 In a recent interview NASA astronaut Christina Koch shared a powerful reflection on what she learned about being part of a crew. Koch said, “A crew is a group that is in it all the time, no matter what, that is stroking together every minute with the same purpose, that is willing to sacrifice silently for each other, that gives grace, that holds accountable. A crew has the same cares and the same needs, and a crew is inescapably, beautifully, dutifully linked.” She concluded with, “I know I haven’t learned everything that this journey has yet to teach me. But there’s one new thing I know, and that is planet Earth: You are a crew.” Ok, what does this mean for you and me?
It seems to me that these are some of the key take-aways:
While these are great ideals, what we need to do is choose our next action step. Maybe it is to talk to and really listen to someone in our family or community that we have different ways of viewing life. Get curious and ask questions to understand why that person thinks that way. Find common ground--things that you both care about, like your grandkids, nieces, or nephews. Begin asking for help and advise. Find ways to connect with and meet new people. Look for ways to interact, engage with others, and get involved with your community. In the words of Margaret Mead, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Read this blogpost for more ideas: 5-keys-to-deeper-connection.html For some recommended books to support you: choose-growth6540845.html Link to the interview: youtu.be/59ccesBAOv0?si=D0aBZNoSnvobpyjC  Parenting and grandparenting for both attachment and authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about creating safety and space at the same time. Attachment gives your child security; authenticity gives them identity. When both are supported, your child feels, “I belong” and “I can be myself.” Let's explore how fostering both can be built into our daily routine.
1. Build connection first: Children thrive when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available. This means noticing feelings, responding with warmth, and repairing after conflict. When a child feels safe, they don’t have to sacrifice themselves to keep your love. They internalize: Even when I mess up or disagree, I’m still connected. 2. Separate behavior from identity: To protect authenticity, correct actions without shaming the child’s character. Instead of “You’re rude,” try “That comment hurt your sister — let’s try again.” This teaches accountability without implying their core self is flawed. When children feel their worth isn’t conditional on performance or agreement, they’re more likely to express their real thoughts and preferences. 3. Model and teach "Like Yourself First": The best way to teach through parenting is to model that same behavior to which we aspire. We cannot preach what we don’t practice. Notice your language and actions about who you are and how you show up. Suppose your child asks, “Do you think my teacher will like my shirt today?” Remind him/her that it was most important that they like her own shirt. Other people’s opinions of us cannot help to build or shatter our own opinions of ourselves. 4. Don’t force them: This can be challenging, especially when you know what needs to be done. Share your request, let them know the consequences, and then let your child decide what they will follow through on. This advice applies to situations like not wanting to eat what’s for lunch or wanting a cookie just before dinner. It might look like this (depending on the age of the child), "I see that you are upset that I said no to having a cookie. We will eat soon and there are some carrots for now and we can have a cookie after dinner." (This obviously does not apply to immediate physical safety concerns, like a toddler running into the road.) 5. Encourage emotional literacy: Help them name what they feel — even feelings that are inconvenient for you. “You’re angry I said no,” validates experience without giving in. When children learn that their inner world matters, they don’t need to distort it to stay connected. Emotional validation strengthens attachment while reinforcing authenticity. There are some great charts that can help kids and adults identify emotions and feelings. www.amazon.com/Teacher-Created-Resources-Colorful-Emotions/dp/B09B231SQC www.amazon.com/Feelings-Therapy-Diameter-Emotion-Upgrade/dp/B0DR362TP2 6. Listen, don’t argue: If you argue with your child, you give power to their position. You engage in stubbornness, which will just take you through a stressful experience. Listen to what your child has to say, without defending or refuting. This is also good advice for spouses and friends. 7. Welcome differences — don’t personalize them: Authenticity grows when kids can safely disagree. If your child has different interests, beliefs, or emotional reactions than you, treat that as development, not defiance. You might say, “I see it differently, but I’m glad you told me.” This protects attachment while signaling that individuality won’t threaten the relationship. The message becomes: We can stay close even when we’re not the same. 8. Give them options: Stubbornness often arises in times of life when children are developing more autonomy. They need choices. They need to know they have power to act in their own lives. So, give them the chance to choose. The choices can even be narrow, depending on the situation: “You can do this in 5 minutes or 10, which one do you prefer?” 9. Model authenticity yourself. Children learn more from observation than instruction. If you admit mistakes, express your feelings appropriately, and set boundaries respectfully, you show them that being real and being loving are not opposites. You demonstrate that connection does not require losing oneself. In short:
The sweet spot in parenting and grandparenting is communicating both, repeatedly. When a child trusts that love is steady, they’re free to grow into who they truly are — and they won’t have to choose between belonging and being themselves.  The Tug-of-War Between Us & We: We all live in this quiet, constant tension between two of our deepest needs: attachment or connection and authenticity. On one hand, we are wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, we look to others for safety and belonging. On the other hand, we have an internal compass—that gut feeling that tells us who we really are and what we actually value. While one side pulls us toward others, the other pulls us toward ourselves.
When Love Gives You Wings: When you feel truly secure in a relationship, these two forces actually work together. Think of it as having a "home base." When you know that your partner, friend, or parent has your back no matter what, you feel braver. You don’t have to "perform" or hide the messy parts of your personality because you aren't afraid they'll leave if you show your true colors. In these healthy spaces, being close to someone actually helps you grow into more of who you are, not less. The Cost of Playing a Part: But when we feel "shaky" or insecure, authenticity is usually the first thing we sacrifice. It’s a survival instinct:
The Big Picture: Healthy love shouldn't feel like a cage where you have to shrink yourself to fit. And being your true self shouldn't mean you have to walk alone. The goal isn't to choose one over the other; it’s to find that sweet spot where you stay connected not because you’re hiding, but because you’re finally being seen. Which side of this tug-of-war do you find yourself leaning toward more often—sacrificing your "truth" to stay close, or keeping your distance to stay "you"? Join me on Saturday, April 18, 10 am PT/1 pm ET for Self-Care Isn't Selfish to discover how to strike a more healthy balance in your life with some practical exercises that will get you started. Register here to get the zoom link: tinyurl.com/April-18-Self-Care Below is an exercise to get you started. And look for next week's blog about applying this topic to parenting. Parenting for both attachment and authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about creating safety and space at the same time. Learn to Say “And” Instead of “Or”. Instead of saying: • “If I’m honest, they’ll leave.” • “If I stay connected, I can’t be fully me.” Practice saying: • “I can be honest and kind.” • “I can disagree and stay connected.” • “I can need space and care about you.” Try out this cognitive shift this week to reduce the false binary between attachment and authenticity. Each year, millions of people travel to mediterranean countries for their unique beauty and rich history and architecture. Many visit the numerous churches, basilicas, monasteries, and mosques and I had the privilege to be one of those visitors. I was struck by the massiveness of the churches, the beauty in the mosaics, windows and other decorations, and the reverence that most of the visitors displayed in these historic places. Since these highly ornate places of worship are not part of my church experience, I was curious about the history behind them and how one experiences God in these various buildings. Here is what I discovered:
Churches in the Mediterranean are highly ornate to serve as "books in stone," capturing the history and stories of the past. Historically, this style is rooted in Byzantine wealth, which allowed for lavish ornamentation, and the theological goal of creating a "heaven on earth" designed for sensory worship. Ornamentation is considered a method of glorifying God and uplifting the human soul, following the tradition of building an elaborate temple. The use of stained-glass windows was primarily to educate, inspire, and create a sacred atmosphere by transforming natural light into a visual, spiritual experience. Historically, these windows, as well as mosaics and other art forms, served as a "visual Bible" to teach religious stories to illiterate congregations. Stained glass lets in natural light; light represents purity, the heavens, spirituality, and genesis. These windows are not merely decorations; they are considered a form of "light theology" that turns a building into a sanctuary. The famous Catalan architect, Antoni Gaudi, who helped to create the Basilica de la Sagrada Família in Barcelona said, "Architecture is the arrangement of light...Glory is light, light brings joy, and joy is the joy of the spirit.” A deeply religious architect who believed his work was a collaboration with the Creator, Gaudi famously stated, "The straight line belongs to Men, the curved one to God". His work, particularly the Sagrada Família, was driven by nature and spirituality, aiming to return to the origins of design. Gaudi intended that church to be a "cathedral for the poor". He wanted the church to dignify the industrial workers of Barcelona and serve as a place of refuge for them, ultimately dedicating the final years of his life to this vision without receiving any payment for it. Our tour guide said that Gaudi asked the Pope for permission to build the cathedral and the Pope answered, "As long as you can pay for it." Some say that's why it has taken so long to complete; the great thing is that all the tourists who visit are helping to fund that completion. My experience while sitting in the Sagrada Familia was definitely one of connecting with God through light and beauty. God spoke to me through music as well whether it was hearing the performance of "The Prayer" on the cruise ship entertainment or attending an evening concert of Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" enthusiastically performed by Interpreti Veneziani, a baroque string ensemble, in a beautiful former church in Vivaldi's hometown of Venice. For inspiration, listen to Céline Dion & Andrea Bocelli sing "The Prayer": www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8DGuvab_Lc and the Interpreti Veneziani play Vivaldi's "Four Seasons." www.youtube.com/watch?v=INPf9XUlCwU Another highlight for me was experiencing God through many of the people that we met on this adventure. One of our guides was originally from Peru. Coming to Barcelona for college, he fell in love with the culture and history and discovered his passion for sharing it with others as a tour guide. It turns out that his mother was going to a university in California and he attended high school for a couple of years in Castro Valley, CA, a town near where I live. He truly made the history of Montserrat Monastery, near Barcelona, come alive as he told us of the monks hiding themselves and significant statues including the Black Madonna--Virgin of Montserrat in the nearby caves during numerous invasions and wars. It is still Catalonia's most important religious retreat and groups of young people from Barcelona and all over Catalonia often make overnight hikes to watch the sunrise from the heights of Montserrat. Food for thought: Whether I acknowledge the presence of the divine as God, Heavenly Parent, my Higher Power, or another name, do I take time to notice the light and truth quietly animating the world around me, and when I do, how do I respond? We do not have to travel to distant locations to experience God if we are intentional in looking at nature, people, places, and even challenges through the 'Divine Lens.' |
