 The third Sunday in June is dedicated to honoring fathers and father figures for the sacrifices they make, for embracing the responsibility of nurturing and raising children, and for devotion to their family. It is a well-known fact that Father's Day doesn't get the same attention that Mother's Day does and there are far less cards, chocolates and flowers sold. As I approach my second Father's Day without my dad, I would like to offer some reflections.
As a child, Mondays were special days because it meant pancakes for breakfast made by my dad. Working as a hospital chaplain and the pastor of a Mennonite congregation kept my father quite busy. Mondays were his days off and he developed a whole wheat flour recipe that he mixed up for us the first school day of each week. Served with butter and warmed syrup, we enjoyed this weekly treat and it became part of our family tradition. And if there were some left over, we might have them that evening with some vanilla ice cream sandwiched inside. At some point, he was given a white chef's hat which he proudly wear as he made the pancakes (pictured above.) As adults, my siblings and I would often request pancakes for breakfast when we visited. As we are approaching Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the influence of my father on my life. Every summer, my dad helped my mom pack us in the car for a day trip to the Oregon coast or a camping trip to Honeyman State Park where we collected sticks and sea shells, built sandcastles and rode the dune buggy on the Oregon Dunes. My dad helped me appreciate the wonders of nature. Later when we moved to Kansas, we spent several summers in the Ozarks. I remember once, we were expecting to hear some local musicians perform on the courthouse steps. However, when we arrived at the empty town square, it became clear that we had outdated information. My dad asked around and eventually found some local musicians gathering nearby to play for their own entertainment. Being an awkward teenager, I am pretty sure I was lobbying for going straight back to our campsite. But soon we found ourselves seated in some battered folding chairs enjoying the music from a dulcimer, some fiddles, a banjo, a few guitars, a hammered dulcimer and even a couple of cloggers (a type of folk dance.), On one of our visits to the Arkansas Ozarks, my dad inquired about how to make a dulcimer and before we headed home, he had purchased plans to build one. I am the proud owner of one of his ‘limited editions.’ From my dad, I learned the importance of curiosity and not letting shyness get in the way of experiencing life. From the very beginning of my life, I was influenced by the lifestyle choices of both my father and mother. I was born in Mathis, a small Texas town near Corpus Christi in a maternity hospital built by volunteers from the Mennonite Church. As the directors of the program, my parents provided leadership, support and meals eaten around a ping pong table. Through the Mennonite Voluntary Service unit, the local community benefited from having access to the maternity hospital, a kindergarten to help children learn English before starting elementary school, cooking & basketball after school clubs, adult education and more. MVS, started in 1944 as a practical peaceful alternative to serving in the military, continues until today as a way for volunteers make a 1-2 year commitment to make a difference. I find the words of American writer Clarence Budington Kelland sum up well what I learned from watching my dad, Millard E. Osborne. “My father didn’t tell me how to live life; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” If you are trying to think of the best way to honor your dad, how about doing something special together that he enjoys instead of buying a gift? If you don't live nearby, organize a zoom call to share your appreciations with him. Create a short video interviewing family members about their favorite memories or a photo book that everyone can collaborate on. Need some more ideas? Check out these: www.allprodad.com/5-ideas-for-fathers-day-to-honor-your-dad/  Many years ago, my husband and I were having a heated discussion in the presence of our then two-year-old son. Without a word, our son came over to me and took my hand. Pulling me toward his dad, he grabbed his dad’s hand and put my hand on top of it. Tears rose in my eyes; I immediately felt the pangs of inadequacy as the parent to my young son.
It has taken me many years to work through the uncomfortable feelings and unhealthy patterns of behavior to heal wounds from the past. Through practicing yoga and meditation, reading numerous books, journaling, joining healing groups, and practicing “telling the truth about myself,” I am learning how to break unhealthy cycles and habits and heal through re-parenting myself. With courage and compassion, we can look at our own past and understand that history is not destiny. We cannot change the past, but we can choose to make a better future. By making sense of your own story, you can become the kind of parent and grandparent you want to be regardless of how you were parented. By staying true to the beauty and truth that our children teach us, we become the parents they need. My children have been the greatest motivation for me to see my way forward. If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to start wherever you are and find support. We are blessed to have many resources available to us--in our communities, online, through books, in support groups, collaborating with coaches, counselors, and more. You can find book suggestions (most are available on Amazon and in libraries) that I have found helpful here: docs.google.com/document/d/12mOiVoI4thx3ylUuUmfO1PWs3wUQ9ySF/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=112786746884112804184&rtpof=true&sd=true A few years ago, I found myself in a multi-leveled parking garage at a public transportation station, walking around clicking my remote to try to locate my car. That morning, in my haste to arrive at my destination on time, I had failed to make note of which level and section I had parked in. After 20 minutes, I heard the faint beep several levels below. I had finally located my car!
Once in my car and on my way home, I began to think about how this incident applies to my daily life. How often have I not been present to my husband because I was caught up in getting a project completed? When was the last time that I missed the cues in my son’s voice as he wanted to tell me more about the challenges of balancing work, life, and family? How many times over the years have I missed opportunities to stop what I was doing and get down beside my child to play, comfort, or support? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I had complained about the tension in my shoulders without realizing that I was not making enough time for self-care? In May of 2019, the ABC network aired a special called “Screen Time,” hosted by Diane Sawyer, which looked at how smartphones are affecting us. One preschooler conveyed the immense importance of presence when he was observed going to his mother, who was talking on a cell phone, taking her face in his hands and saying, “Mommy, I need you to listen to me with your whole face.” Children learn more from who we are when we are with them than what we try to teach them. We don’t need to be perfect, but showing up and being present means noticing the little things, learning to put down our cell phones, and really listening. We can provide presence when we’re meeting their needs, when we’re expressing our love to them, when we’re disciplining them, when we’re laughing together, and even when we’re arguing with them. Who needs your presence this week? Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be taught. It isn’t instinctive to slow down and take the steps necessary to really understand another person. It begins with being present to my partner, my child, friend, or co-worker. Creating connections is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives. Connection is the foundation for communication and for experiencing the greatest joy within our relationships. We can learn to listen to understand, and experience being truly heard as well. In the process, we can experience a greater sense of connection and belonging with others. I have experienced this through Safe Conversations® which was co-created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. They’ve taken their experience working with couples for 40+ years and simplified best practices so all relationships can have greater connection, understanding, empathy and respect. When I first attended a Safe Conversations® workshop:
Learning to use this structured dialogue process enabled me to have honest authentic conversations and connect more deeply with my husband, sons and other family members and friends. When I discovered that my frustrations were really wishes in disguise, I could change my focus from what I didn’t have into what I wanted and desired. My personal experience with Safe Conversations® led me to become a trained facilitator, teaching the process in workshops and coaching sessions. Consider experiencing this amazing process for yourself. I invite you to join the free two hour Safe Conversations webinar on Sunday, May 18, 2025, 10 am to 12 pm PT/1 to 3 pm ET/7-9 pm CET. Register here for the zoom link: tinyurl.com/Safe-Conversations-May-18-2025 Take a look at this two minute testimony of a Safe Conversations' facilitator and her father on how it changed their relationship: youtu.be/QsiO8Ve091k?si=uRLDzZJmp1SSnVfK   In just over one week, it will be Mother's Day. Think about all the things that your mother and other women in your life have done to support you on your life's journey--words of encouragement, numerous meals, support in completing a school project, being a shoulder to cry on, hugs and kisses, and so much more. What can you do to show your appreciation? Maybe buy or make a card, purchase a bouquet of flowers, or treat her to a meal? Or how about a truly unique gift courtesy of a wonderful women's organization that I whole-heartedly support? "My Mother’s Voice: 40 Day Spiritual Practice Journal for Empowered Motherhood" is a beautiful journal that is a 40-day journey into reflection, faith, and empowered motherhood — a perfect gift for any woman seeking deeper connection and purpose. Written and designed by WFWP Vice President, Katarina Connery, I was part of her feedback team. Another option is a choice of three accent mugs with a message. Choose from:
www.wfwp.us/store?blm_aid=135168 If you are a WFWP member like me, don't forget to sign-in for a member discount. Not a member yet, find out more about Women's Federation for World Peace here: www.wfwp.us/membership This Mother's Day, take the time to thank the women who have loved, mentored, and mothered you. And watch this short video for inspiration. |
