 As a preschool and kindergarten teacher, I often read books about Anansi the spider to my students. In one of the beloved West African tales, Anansi, knowing that he was clever but not wise, decided to gather all the wisdom of the village and put it in a hollow gourd. Then, he was sure he would be the wisest of them all!
As he went door to door, everyone freely shared their wisdom with him because they knew that of all the creatures, it was Anansi that needed wisdom the most. Soon his gourd was overflowing with wisdom and he needed to find a place to hide it. Spotting a tall tree, he decided to climb to the top so that no one could steal it from him. The climb was difficult and slow as he struggled to climb the tree with the gourd tied around his waist in front of him. Finally, one of his sons came by and suggested it be easier if he tied the gourd behind him. Anansi rotated the gourd and soon reached the top of the tree. As he looked out over the area, he realized that he had collected so much wisdom from everyone, but his young son was still wiser than him. In that moment, realizing that wisdom is meant to be freely shared, he lifted the gourd high over his head and spilled its contents into the wind. The wisdom blew far and wide and settled across the land. And this is the tale of how wisdom came to the world. As in the Anansi tale, wisdom is learned through experience and often deepens through trial and error, resulting in making a multitude of mistakes. I remember clearly as a child the wisdom I gained concerning my parents’ rule that you must wear shoes while riding a bike after getting my toes caught not once but twice in the bicycle spokes. I still feel pain in the pit of my stomach, remembering my bloody feet and the apprehension I felt as I wondered how I could hide them from my mom. She didn’t need to lecture or reprimand me; the pain did the teaching. In fact, if we focus too much on what our child does wrong, they may respond with defensiveness and we lose a teachable moment. By sharing the thinking with our child, we provide them the opportunity to grapple with the consequences of their choices. When our child misbehaves or makes a mistake, it is best to first express our most heartfelt empathy and then wonder aloud, “Do you think that there might be another way to do this?” or “How might you fix it?” Giving a child some guidance and allowing them to struggle to find a solution helps build responsibility and self-esteem. For the child, having the satisfaction of saying, “I figured it out!” or “I did it!” is part of their development of self-efficacy as discussed in the chapter on Resilience. Thinking, reflecting, and learning from experiences are just like other skills—they need plenty of practice to develop wisdom. The key is asking lots of questions instead of telling our child what to do. Questions allow them to think and digest; issuing commands can cause resistance. We are acting with wisdom when we ask questions and guide our child towards a better solution.  Today, June 20th, is my parents' anniversary and in two days, it will be the one-year anniversary of my father's passing. Since this past Sunday was Father's Day, I have been reflecting on his impact on my life. When I was young, I took for granted the many ways that he shared his love--fixing broken toys, making pancakes every Monday breakfast on his day off as a pastor, taking us camping every summer, building bunkbeds, a sturdy swing set and an A-frame playhouse and more. Building things with his hands was a skill that he learned in college working on a carpenter crew. Throughout his life, building things and gardening was a kind of therapy, a break from the stresses and challenges that come with the role of a pastor. A more recent example of his care and dedication to finding a solution to a challenge came from figuring out how to get a family cedar chest from his home in Virginia to California where I live. As my parents aged and wanted to downsize, my dad took photos of things that they were ready to part with and sent them to my sisters and I. We could request items that we would like to have and the rest, they would share with others or sell. I mostly chose small items because of the distance between us but I really wanted the cedar chest. It was built by a company that my grandfather was a part of, and it had always been at the foot of my parents' bed while I was growing up. Knowing this, my dad took it upon himself to figure out how to ship it by truck and made a crate complete with a pallet base so that it could be moved by a forklift. After traveling across the US, it made it safely to my home and serves as a reminder of the love of my dad. If you have parents, grandparents and others who are growing older, I encourage you to ask them questions about their lives and find out their stories. I had the priviledge of knowing that the end was near for my dad and with my sisters, created the opportunity to share memories and begin saying goodbye. Here is the blog that I wrote about that one year ago as well as one about telling your story. saying-goodbye.html tell-your-story.html  Recently, I was made aware that I had caused someone to feel hurt, judged and misunderstood. It was not my intention and maybe what I had said was taken out of context. But the reality was, I had hurt someone's heart. To be honest, my initial reaction was a bit defensive but if I have learned one thing in all my training to be a relationship coach and educator and communicating with those I care about, it is what I need and want to heal relationships. To do that, I cannot stay in a place where I am self-justifying or seeing things from my point of view. I need to shift my focus to finding a way to reconnect and rebuild trust and understanding. For many of us, it is challenging to say that I am sorry that I hurt you and ask, "Can we talk about it?"
To do this, we need to begin with some self-reflection. If admitting that we are wrong or struggling to say "I am sorry" is a challenge, we may need examine why that is.
I have realized over time that for me that part of the challenge to admit mistakes and own that I have hurt someone else comes from my present outlook on life. If I am in a space that sees myself as a victim or that life is happening to me, it definitely colors my sense of responsibility. It can even make me fearful of admitting fault because then I could be perceived as being weak or not good enough. If you found yourself in this space at times with your spouse, children, friends, boss or co-workers, I encourage you to read a previous blog where I shared about the program that helped me change the view of myself in relationship to others. a-new-way-to-experience-life.html I gained insight and many tools through a program facilitated by Heather Thalheimer, David Young and Sarah Oben which will happen again in September: www.beingwholehearted.com/radical-wholeness-course I did reach out to the person whose heart I hurt and through meeting and talking, we cleared the air and created a deeper connection. Is that what relationships are all about?  Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people." Last week, I had the opportunity to spend time in the towering old-growth redwood trees of Muir Woods in Northern California. Named for John Muir, who often wrote about the beauty and value of ancient forests, the park is truly a sanctuary to experience the symbiotic relationship that exists between trees and humans. As I entered the section of the trail called The Cathedral Grove, I was struck how most of us there observed the signs that requested us to Enter Quietly. It was easy to connect with something larger than myself, surrounded by towering trees, many of them over six hundred years old.
A few days later, I received a newsletter entitled "Breathing With the Forest” from Daily Good--News That Inspires. www.dailygood.org/ After reading the description in the article (below), I clicked on the link and was immediately transported to an amazing experience in the Amazon Rainforest. If you don't live near a forest or cannot travel there today, take the opportunity to visit through this virtual digital experience. 'Breathing with the Forest' is an immersive digital experience that explores the illusion of separation between us and the rest of the planet, a reminder that “with each breath we exchange parts of ourselves with the wider world.” The Capinuri tree grows in the Amazon River floodplain where the Breathing experience creators photographed and collected three-dimensional scans and audio recordings of the wind, trees, animals, and water. Capturing the individual elements demonstrates the beauty of each individual living object; in relayering them for the experience, however, the creators demonstrate the opportunity available to notice how they interact; an invitation to appreciate the symbiosis of living alongside one another. “Entering the forest, we step out of our separateness to embody something much more than human.” Click here and make sure to have the sound turned on: emergencemagazine.org/feature/breathing-with-the-forest/ |
