 If you have been reading my blogs or connected with me as a coach, you know that one of the things I am passionate about is creating connections using Safe Conversations. Often, I work with a couple or a parent and an adult child, but families are the center of relational importance. They're not only who we spend the most time with but it's also where we experience most of our challenges being in a close, safe, and harmonious relationship. I would like to share some ways to use the tools of Safe Conversations within families.
Between parents and children--especially teenagers--we often hear the phrase, "You're not listening to me." Listening is a skill that we aren't usually taught, and research shows that we hear 40% or less of what others say to us, whether that is a friend, parent, child, boss, or co-worker. One tool that Safe Conversations teaches is to mirror back what the other person has said. It might look like this: "So, you said that your brother borrows your things without asking and that really bothers you. Is there more about that?" Asking “Is there more?” invites the other person to reflect and possibly share more. This kind of listening means that I must put aside giving advice or trying to solve the problem. The key element is listening to understand which can take us towards being able to empathize instead of criticizing. Developing a family culture of sharing appreciations about each other supports connection with each other. The best way to model it is for parents to appreciate each other in the presence of their children as well as parents expressing them to the children. It can be as simple as noticing your child for something that they are doing. Saying, "Thanks for taking out the garbage without me even asking you," or "You really seem to like the color blue, that blue shirt brings out the color of your eyes and looks great on you," or "I appreciate that you remembered to put gas in the car after borrow it." Catching our kids acting "good" and acknowledging it shows that we are paying attention and caring about them. Some families make sharing appreciations a family tradition used at family meetings or on special occasions like having each family member give a Birthday Appreciation. Within the family, we have the best opportunity to learn new ways of being in relationship. Finding ways to have better communication and feeling greater joy in our family relationships builds a foundation for all future relationships. For more ideas, activities, and family games to support your family's relationships: steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html listening-to-understand.html  Being comfortable in our own skin isn't a given but there are ways that we can continue to grow and develop in our own self-assuredness. Research has shown that there are certain behaviors that reveal how we are doing on the road to self-acceptance. First is embracing our imperfections. By learning to do this, we not only accepting who we are now, but also open up the potential for growth and development in the future.
The second is something that I have struggled with but I am learning the importance of setting boundaries and saying “No” when needed. If you have the tendency to over-commit and sacrifice your own needs or peace of mind. You might want to examine why you are striving so hard to please others. Being able to say No is a sign of self-respect and a clear indicator that you’re comfortable in your own skin. One way to approach it is to respond with, "I would really love to support. I just have too much on my plate right now to give it the attention that it deserves." Renowned psychologist Dr. Brené Brown states, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” Embodying this kind of authenticity requires courage and self-confidence. It’s an ongoing journey, not a destination. Learning to live your truth openly and fearlessly, it’s a clear indication that you’re supremely comfortable in your own skin. Other behaviors for us to recognize and incorporate into our lives are:
How about picking one of the behaviors that you would like to incorporate more in your daily life and be intentional in how you practice it? Becoming more comfortable in your own skin is a deeply personal and empowering journey. It’s about self-acceptance, authenticity, and embracing your unique path in life.  A Deeper Connection is a podcast empowering healing, strengthening, and enriching the parent child relationship through all phases of life. Hosted by myself, Myrna Lapres, and Crescentia DeGoede in collaboration with the Blessing & Family Ministry of Family Fed USA, we now have ten episodes of interviews with some amazing individuals sharing about their own journey through intergenerational trauma, finding forgiveness, healing themselves and their family relationships, and discovering ways that their experiences have impacted how they are raising their own children. The most recent episode is available here: bfm.familyfed.org/a-deeper-connection-podcast/ep-10 interviewing Crescentia's mother, Claire Hinkle. Checkout all ten of the episodes: bfm.familyfed.org/a-deeper-connection-podcast
As I reflect on my own path as a parent and grandparent, and becoming a relationship and family coach, I have come to believe that a healthy parent-child relationship is one of the most important aspects in finding joy and satisfaction in the life that one is creating. Dr. Gabor Maté shares a profound truth: our healing becomes our children’s inheritance. Perhaps this is one of the greatest gifts I can give to my children and grandchildren, and it begins with an awareness that I want less anger, self-criticism, resentment, and frustration in my life and more peace, joy, presence, gratitude, and connection with others. Often, this realization leads us to begin searching by praying, reading books, exploring meditation and mindfulness practices, asking questions, and seeking help. If you need support in finding your next steps, I offer a free clarity coaching session: Coaching With Myrna. For more food for thought on this: choose-growth.html  I am sharing a post this week that I found on Facebook and used in a sermon a couple of weeks ago.
My neighbor complained about our "ugly" fence for years. So I painted these poppies while she was on vacation. When we moved into this house five years ago, the wooden fence was already weathered and gray. Our neighbor, Mrs. Carlson, made it clear she thought it was an eyesore. "When are you planning to replace that hideous thing?" became her standard greeting. We couldn't afford a new fence. Between my husband's medical bills and putting our daughter through college, extra money was non-existent. I'd apologize and promise we'd get to it "someday." Last winter, I discovered I had a knack for painting while following a tutorial from this incredible artist I found on the Tedooo app. She creates the most beautiful floral murals and sells prints of her work through her shop there. When I messaged her about possibly painting our fence, she was so encouraging and even sent me a detailed guide on which outdoor paints would work best. I practiced for months on canvas in our garage. When Mrs. Carlson mentioned she'd be visiting her sister for two weeks this summer, I knew it was my chance. For seven days straight, I painted from dawn until dusk. My back ached, my fingers blistered, but watching those poppies bloom across our fence filled me with a joy I hadn't felt in years. Yesterday, Mrs. Carlson returned home. I was nervously watering my garden when I heard her car door slam. There was a long silence, and then I heard her call my name. When I turned around, she was crying. "My late husband grew poppies just like these," she said. "Every spring, our yard was filled with them." Now instead of complaints, she brings her friends over to see "her" side of the fence. This morning, she left a handwritten note in my mailbox asking if I'd consider painting bluebells on her side. She's already ordered special paint for me from an artisan on the Tedooo app. Sometimes beauty blooms in the most unexpected places—even on an old, weathered fence that was once considered an eyesore. Credit: Joanna Williamson posted on Facebook www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=628340446909659&id=100092011279045 |