 Do you remember hearing about a Kenyan runner Abel Mutai who was leading the cross-country race at an event in Burlada Savarre, Spain in December 2012? He was just a few feet from the finish line, but became confused with the signage and stopped, thinking he had completed the race. A Spanish runner, Ivan Fernandez, was right behind him and, realizing what was happening, started shouting at the Kenyan to continue running. Mutai didn't know Spanish and didn't understand. Realizing what was taking place, Fernandez pushed Mutai to victory. A journalist asked Ivan, "Why did you do that?" Ivan replied, "My dream is that someday we can have a kind of community life where we push and help each other to win."
The journalist insisted, "But why did you let the Kenyan win?" Ivan replied, "I didn't let him win, he was going to win. The race was his." The journalist insisted again, "But you could have won!" Ivan looked at him and replied, "But what would be the merit of my victory? What would be the honor in that medal? What would my mother think of that?" Values are passed on from generation to generation. What values are we teaching our children? In her recent book, "The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children at Every Age and Stage," Victoria Talwar, PhD writes about how we can teach children about honesty, how we can deal with our children’s dishonesty, and how we can develop a close relationship based on open and truthful communication. She says there are three steps to raising more honest kids.
Let us teach our kids the right ways and means to win and live with honesty and integrity. Let us pass on the beauty and humanity of a helping hand. Because honesty and ethics are winning!"  This past Sunday, my pastor said that two young missionaries from Japan working with our church community paid a remarkably high complement to our congregation. They said that they were really impressed with the volunteer spirit that the community has. I know that all organizations need volunteers, and I was curious to do a little research about the benefits of serving others. According to research at the Western Connecticut State University, the two greatest benefits are that volunteering connects us with others and it is good for our mind and spirit.
#1: Volunteering connects you to others One of the better-known benefits of volunteering is the impact on the community. Unpaid volunteers are often the glue that holds a community together. Volunteering allows you to connect to your community and make it a better place. Even helping with the smallest tasks can make a real difference to the lives of people, animals, and organizations in need. And volunteering is a two-way street: It can benefit you and your family as much as the cause you choose to help. Dedicating your time as a volunteer helps you make new friends, expand your network, and boost your social skills. #2: Volunteering is good for your mind and body Volunteering provides many benefits to both mental and physical health. Volunteering increases self-confidence. It can provide a healthy boost to your self-confidence, self-esteem, and life satisfaction. You are doing good for others and the community, which provides a natural sense of accomplishment. Your role as a volunteer can also give you a sense of pride and identity. And the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to have a positive view of your life and future goals. In addition, reducing the risk of depression is another important benefit of volunteering. A key risk factor for depression is social isolation. Volunteering keeps you in regular contact with others and helps you develop a solid support system, which in turn protects you against stress and depression when you’re going through challenging times. Working with pets and other animals has also been shown to improve mood and reduce stress and anxiety. Volunteering helps you stay physically healthy. It is good for your health at any age, but it’s especially beneficial in older adults. Studies have found that those who volunteer have a lower mortality rate than those who do not, even when considering factors like the health of the participants. Volunteering has also been shown to lessen symptoms of chronic pain or heart disease. I still remember my experience as a teenager traveling with my youth group from Kansas to volunteer at a church in Texas. We helped to repair and paint a preschool that the church was getting ready to reopen to the community. The work that we did could have been done in our own community but by spending a week in this Texas town, we had the opportunity to discover a new cultural reality. One of my friends stayed with a family that had a very humble home but they butchered one of their goats in honor of his visit. I have volunteerism in my blood. When I was born, my parents were the directors for a Mennonite Voluntary Service Center (MVS) in a small town in Texas. I was born in a small hospital that was built by volunteers to support the local Hispanic parents who didn't have access to prenatal and delivery care for pregnant mothers. As pacificists, many Mennonites chose community MVS volunteer programs as an alternate to being drafted during WWII. MVS still plays an integral role in transforming community social systems relating to health, education, immigration, food, housing and more. Do you have a skill you could teach or share with a local nonprofit, or with a neighbor -- even a neighbor on the other side of the planet? Start by identifying a need or your passion. As a coach, I enjoy working with young adults as they figure out their next steps in marriage, career, and life. Consider volunteering as a family. Reach out and create something together! For inspiration, read how several people found their passion to help others: www.dailygood.org/story/3236/when-people-reach-out-to-help-their-neighbors-rosemary-cairns/ www.today.com/life/relationships/librarian-loans-wedding-dress-rentals-rcna155230  Do you have a teenager or are you preparing to have one? Recently, I was interviewed by Amelai Lindemann, director of School of Love. We explored teenagerhood from the perspectives of preparing for it as well as going through it in real time and going through this time as a parent as lovingly as we can. Some of the questions that we explored are: How can we make the absolute most of the time before our kids are adults, where we may have much less time with them? How can we pass on our guidance? How can we approach sensitive topics?
The behavior of adolescents is often puzzling and upsetting for parents; they can be moody and uncommunicative. As parents and grandparents, we need to make peace with the reality that we cannot control our teenagers. We can, however, influence them and if our connection is strong, connecting and communication does happen. Adolescents have a difficult time to accept most things without questioning. It is the age of reasoning and thinking for themselves and we need to learn to not take it personally. It is an opportunity to have discussions, ask questions, listen to their answers and offer our own experiences and opinions in a respectful manner. To watch the podcast video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AaLA97K6Fs&list=PLvGv47y6fMsZdMVMbxIw1kuPC-11957E8 For more on supporting your teenager, see one of my previous blogs: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-stage-of-intimacy-12-to-18-years  As a parenting facilitator, I teach parents to use a process that guides their child to solve their own problems. Using the five steps listed below, the parent begins with understanding and empathy, but then hands the problem back to the child while communicating the message that they are capable. Of course, the younger the child, the more support they may need in coming up with possible solutions. It is important to offer the support that is needed to enable your child to feel empowered and accomplished.
Using this process, even poor choices that the child makes can be part of the learning experience. By first expressing empathy and keeping our relationship intact, the mistake or the poor choice is the “problem.” Even unsuccessful attempts are learning opportunities. The road to responsibility and wisdom is paved with many “affordable” mistakes! Affordable mistakes—your child regrets trading a favorite call with a friend or spending all of their allowance on a toy that disappoints—are ones that have only a short-term impact. They can learn from these mistakes if we resist the urge to rescue them and we respond with empathy—not “I told you so.” The goal is that the child can learn through the outcome of the choices they make and avoid ones with a higher price tag in their future. There are five steps to solving their own problems: Step One: Empathy first! “How sad.” “I bet that hurts.” “I know it is tough to figure this one out.” Step Two: Then, send the “Power Message.” “What might you do to try to fix this?” “What ideas come to mind?” “If anyone can figure this out, I know you can.” Step Three: Offer choices. “Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?” At this point, offer a variety of choices that range from less desirable to good. It’s usually best to start out with the less desirable choices, as an upset child may reject the first ones offered. Each time a choice is offered, go on to step four, helping the child to state the consequence in their own words. This means that you will be going back and forth between steps three and four. Step Four: Have the child state their choice. “And how will that work?” “Do you think that is doable?” Step Five Give Permission for the child to solve the problem or not “Good luck. I hope it works out. Let me know if you need some help from me.” . Don’t be overly worried about the outcome. If your child makes a poor choice, they will have the opportunity to do more processing and learning and you can be the one to support them through the process. |