Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD says, “Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.” She and her husband John Gottman, PhD have spent years working with couples to understand how we can Fight Right. And they have discovered that there are three possible "conflict styles" within a healthy partnership: avoiding, validating, and volatile.

Conflict avoidant couples
There are actually two types of conflict avoidant couples.
The first version:

• Rarely talks about points of disagreement because it makes them uncomfortable.
• There is division in their lives with more clearly defined roles.
• They lead stable lives but are lonely, isolated, and low risk takers who achieve a level of contentment

The second type of conflict avoidant couple:

• Are interested in one another. They learn to listen to one another and then move on without too much conflict.
• They live with their differences.
• However, watch out for emotional drift and distance because they are so focused on the positives that issues aren’t addressed. 

Validating couples

• They are calmer in conflict but aren’t content to agree to disagree.
• They deal with escalation by taking breaks and they see themselves as teammates, not rivals.
• They can get focused on logistics and lose track of positivity.
• And watch out for rising negativity, especially when they become overly focused on solutions and not connection. 

Volatile couples

• The volatile couple has no problem expressing emotions.
• There is plenty of overlap in roles and responsibilities. 
• Overtime, there is a tendency to build up of aggression, loss of humor and positivity, and fights can get out of control.
• Watch out for going dark, sarcastic, or critical. 

We might conclude that the validating couple seems to be the "ideal couple." However, John Gottman said that any of the three styles have an equal shot at being masters of love if they had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict. He discovered that the negative carries a lot more weight than the positive; so, learning how to add in more positives supports having a successful fight. This might seem challenging to do when things are heating up but it can be as simple as smiling, nodding, offering a validation or empathetic word, giving a soft touch, owning your part, or including humor through laughter or an appropriate joke.

Start with identifying your own style--self-awareness gives us power and clarity. Then, try to add in more positivity in your relationship--not just when you are fighting but throughout the day.

Hear John Gottman talk about the Magic 5:1 Ratio: 
www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10155422728185865

Read about how a parent applied this 5:1 Ratio with her child:
happyyouhappyfamily.com/how-to-connect-with-your-child/

For last week's blog that introduces this topic:
​fight-right.html

Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been studying the science of love for over fifty years, and they have uncovered the science of helping people "Fight Right." In their most recent book, "Fight Right--How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Communication", they state that conflict is a human constant and that there are two basic types of fights that couples have: solvable ones that have some kind of solution and perpetual ones that are over issues that don't go away because they tap into some of the deeper differences between the couple--personalities, priorities, values, and beliefs. The good news is that the ultimate goal of conflict is to create something better for yourself, your partner, and for the world. Conflict doesn't have to break us apart. Conflict and peace aren't mutually exclusive; we can arrive at peace through conflict by combining kindness and gentleness with fighting. We can grow closer because of conflict but we need to understand more about the heart of our conflicts and learn to Fight Right.

Through all their research, the Gottmans discovered certain key points about couples fighting. They found that during conflict, couples that exhibited four key behaviors that they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness were more likely to split up by their fifth anniversary. But they also realized that "no conflict" wasn't the answer either. Couples who avoided arguments and conflicts also had no humor, curiosity, or interest in each other and often divorced after ten years. 

Learning how to turn a relationship around, going into conflict as a collaboration, not a war was part of the solution. They found that people could turn relationships around--fight right, love better, and connect more deeply--when they were given practical, science-based interventions to use in conflict. 

Over the next few blogs, I will share more about the Gottmans and the essential resources that they lay out in their book. Watch this short video about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and see if you recognize yourself in any of the behaviors: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is 
​Next week, I will share what they say about Why We Fight The Way We Fight. 

You can also watch the "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" webinars where Kendra Stein guided us through some of the highlights of Fight Right.
Part 1:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn7880NhL0E
Part 2: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0UICizhrBk

Today, 40% of the world’s population is 25 years old or younger. Ready or not, they will lead our world into the future. Members of Generation Y (Millennials born between 1984-2000) and Generation Z (Centennials born between 2001-2018) are hungry to change the world and as parents, teachers and mentors, we can help them.

Both generations are influenced by less than ideal parenting styles (overparenting, paranoid parenting, permissive parenting, etc.) They also are greatly impacted by the advances in technology:  immediate access to world events often difficult to process, availability creating distractions & addictions, loss of real conversations and relationships, instant gratification expectations, and so much more. Simon Sinek, British-American author, motivational speaker and organizational consultant, summarizes how these challenges impact millennials as they enter the workforce in a Ted Talk here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hER0Qp6QJNU&t=13s

​Dr. Tim Elmore, president and founder of Growing Leaders, is passionate about understand the emerging generation and helping adults—parents, teachers, coaches—teach them how to become leaders in their families, schools, communities and careers. As an author and speaker, Dr. Elmore shares four proven parenting strategies.

Four Strategies for Parenting Generation Z
By Dr. Tim Elmore, Growing Leaders Ready for Real Life
So, let me suggest some parenting ideas you might use as you lead your kids:

1. Don’t freak out
We need to let our kids take appropriate risks in our “safety first” world. But, when they choose something odd or even crazy, stay calm. Whatever you do—don’t freak out at the seemingly strange decisions teens feel empowered to make today. From tattoos, to piercings, to decisions about friends, to gender fluidity—kids growing up today are living in a very new world. If we don’t react emotionally, but talk to them respectfully, we earn the right to help them think through the long-term implications of their choices. This is our role: wise and steady leadership. Equip them to think long-term; think big-picture, and think high road.

2. Affirm them accurately and specifically
Generation Z kids are privy to the hyperbolic praise Millennials got from parents. Everything was described as “awesome”—even when it really wasn’t. Adult leaders should be thoughtful with their encouragement, praising teens with words that reflect the genuine performance of the teen. They’ll actually believe us if we do. Also, we must affirm “effort”—which is a controllable—instead of what’s uncontrollable. Instead of saying to a female, “You’re gorgeous,” why not say: “I love the strategy you used when you planned your student council campaign. It was spot on.”

3. Be clear about their equations
I discourage having a ton of “rules,” and encourage you to remind kids of life’s “equations.” Equations are simply outcomes for wise or poor behavior: if you do this, that is the benefit; if you do that, this is the consequence. As a result, students begin to learn that life is full of equations. Upon entering adulthood: if you don’t pay your rent, you lose the apartment; if you do pay rent on time, you get to keep it. Such equations will equip Generation Z kids about how the world works. Make the equations clear and be sure to follow up on them.

4. Model consistency
One of the most conspicuously absent elements in our world today is consistency. Nothing seems to be consistent—except inconsistency. Uncertainty is everywhere. Change is happening all the time: couples divorcing; jobs changing; rules are updated; TV shows are terminated…even our Internet connection can be spotty. Parents and teachers must be consistent in their verbal and visual cues. Kids feel secure when consistent leadership is exemplified.

For more on Growing Leaders: growingleaders.com/about/