 Six years ago, when I was adjusting the various focuses in my life including becoming a coach and starting this blog, I watched the newly released movie about the life of Mr. Rogers, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" I was deeply struck by his message that being nice is not a weakness; that speaking with care is a thing we do simply because we believe the person we’re talking to is a human being with worth and dignity. He said, “Love is at the root of everything; all learning, all parenting, all relationships--love or the lack of it…The greatest thing that we can do is to let somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.”
Most children growing up in the late 1960s through 2001 watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Since my family didn’t own a television until I was in middle school, I didn’t pay much attention to his show until I had children of my own. Together, my boys and l learned many aspects about the world through watching the show—from learning from mistakes and dealing with fears to how crayons, pretzels and brooms were made. Using simple sets and puppets, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood addressed a wide range of topics including relationships and differences as controversial topics as death, divorcee, race and more. On one episode in 1969, Rogers quietly made a civil-rights statement on his show, by companionably sharing a wading pool on a hot day with Officer Clemmons, who is black — at a time of segregated pools in much of the country. In the documentary, Director Morgan Neville intercuts this scene with footage of white lifeguards pouring bleach into a pool where black kids were swimming. Mister Rogers reminded us, in gentle song, that we were special and that he liked us as we were. I want to wield kindness every moment of every day as Fred Rogers did in his life, on his television show, and out in the world. The world is a much scarier place now. Kindness feels like a revolutionary act! I find it challenging as a daily practice, especially when someone honked at me and flipped me off as I was looking for the correct exit. Kindness requires me to work hard at having empathy, patience, understanding and a willingness to listen. But this message is one that we greatly need--to see each other as neighbors and interact with empathy and kindness. “Deep down, we know that what matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win too, even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then.” Mr. Fred Rogers Dartmouth Commencement Speech 2002  Have you heard about creating a God Box for the challenges, situations and relationships in your life that seem too big for you to manage right now? The basic idea is to write on a piece of paper things that feel overwhelming or even impossible and put them in a box. Doing this involves surrendering the stress and worry to God or a higher power. I don't know when I first came across this concept, but it is one that I practice in my life, and I recommend it to clients that I coach as well. I decided to do a little research on where the God Box came from.
It turns out there are several books and numerous blogs written about this idea. One of them, a New York Times bestseller The God Box, written by Mary Lou Guinlan was turned into an off-broadway play. It is the story of Ms. Guinlan's remarkable discovery of her mother’s “God Boxes” filled with hundreds of private petitions on torn pages and Post-its written by the very hand that had recently passed away. Some people have used the God Box as part of their 12-step program. You can even find various DIY instructions on creating your own God Box. Take a moment to think about situations, concerns, and relationships that you find yourself worrying and stressing over. Of course, if there is a simple course of action that you can take to alleviate your concern, figure out how to do something about it. But if they cause you to lose sleep or feel anxiety in your body, consider trying the God Box. It can be any box, container or bowl that holds small pieces of paper. You can decide to decorate it or just use it as is. I recommend having some post-its or small index cards next to the box. Write out your concerns and offer a prayer, asking for God's support, guidance, or intervention. You can even say, "I don't know what to do about this concern and I feel so burdened by it. I am turning it over to you, God." Many find the God Box to be the most tangible way of turning their difficulities with their children, parents, spouses and others over to the care of the Higher Power. The physical act of handing a piece of paper over to God can deepen our understanding of what it means to surrender. A meaningful ritual can be revisiting your God Box at least once a year, seeing how the things that we worry about often work themselves out with time and the help of the higher power. Perhaps, doing it around New Years can give us the opportunity to recognize how God is working in our lives.  I have been listening to the book, "Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools" by Tyler Staton, pastor, and national director of the 24-7 Prayer USA. In Chapter 7, The Middle Voice--Pray as Participation, Tyler Staton says that the assumption of prayer is that God's action always precedes my request. In other words, the aim is not to get God in on what I think he should be doing. Rather, the aim of prayer is to get us in on what God is doing, become aware of it, join it, and enjoy the fruit of participation. Staton quotes author Eugene Peterson describing this type of prayer as praying in the middle voice. “When we pray in the middle voice, we neither manipulate God (active voice) not are manipulated by God (passive voice). We are involved in the action and participate in its result but do not control or define it (middle voice). Prayer takes place in the middle voice." Tyler Staton goes on to explain how prayer as participation is about joining together in active partnership. Contemplating this from the perspective of a parent, I realized that there is much more for me to discover about cultivate this partnership.
Relationships are not built on process, but on partnerships. When we pray in partnership, we focus on becoming aware of how God is already working in our lives and the lives of our families. Participation prayer involves surrender, realizing that I am not in control or in a position to demand. Through surrender and authentically sharing every part of myself as a parent--my victories, my worries, my challenges and my hopes--I can gain clarity, perspective, and the power of synergy with our Heavenly Parent. I remember when my boys went from the small Character Education preschool through 8th grade where I taught and saw them on a daily basis to a large Catholic high school, I was worried how they would handle the transition. Even though I hadn't heard about parental participation prayer, I prayed that they would find the kind of friends that would support the values--kindness, integrity, honesty and loyalty--that lead their dad and I to choose The Principled Academy as their first educational experience. If you haven't thought of prayer in this manner, I encourage you to explore praying from the middle voice. Here are some prayer phrases for you to reflect upon:
"Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools": www.amazon.com/Praying-Like-Monks-Living-Fools/dp/B09YBJDZYD 24-7 Prayer USA: www.24-7prayerusa.com/ I recently came across an interview of a 103-year-old woman doctor, Dr. Gladys McGarey, who was sharing five lessons that she has found to be the key to for living a thriving and healthy life. Dr. McGarey is a centenarian still-practicing doctor and the mother of holistic medicine. She says, "All healing and living is based on love--love is the center. You feel and know that life is there to be lived. You have to choose to live it." Her five lessons all being with L and, not surprisingly, all center around love.
I recommend that you take the opportunity right now to close your eyes, put your hands on your heart and take a few deep breaths. Use this time to pay attention to yourself. Begin by asking, "Where in my life do I need to let in more love? Which of the five L's do I want to explore letting into my life in a greater way? Which of my relationships would be enhanced by bringing in more love, laughter and listening?" To see the whole interview: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp5YZNpa1yQ Dr. McGarey has a new book entitled, "The Well-Lived Life www.amazon.com/dp/1668014483  In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson says, “Showing up means bringing your whole being--your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child whether they are two or twenty-two. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. It is how you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parents are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. How do you develop it with your child? By showing up! We do not have to be perfect parents or grandparents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We simply need to be present. Put aside our phone, computer, or dirty dishes, sit down with them, and listen. Ask thoughtful questions. Admit when you don't know the answers and find them together. It is important for us to remember that parenting isn't just learning the right techniques, a collection of wise words, or the best bag of tricks. We raise responsible and happy children by finding Real Love for ourselves, so we can give our children what they need most. We cannot give our children what we do not have. More than any other relationship, parenting calls us to find our best selves. |
