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On our journey in life, the most profound thing that we can offer others--partners, children, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors--is our own healing and growth towards being a more loving person.
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According to Mark Twain, "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see" and Aesop, the Ancient Greek fabulist, states, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." The gift of kindness may start as a small ripple that over time can turn into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many. How do we cultivate kindness in ourselves and our families?
Some practical ways to do this include:
Kindness is powerful because it activates our brain's reward system, releasing feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which improves the mood and well-being of both giver and receiver. It strengthens social bonds, increases empathy, reduces stress, and creates a ripple effect that fosters a more positive and connected community. This combination of physiological and social benefits makes kindness a potent force for each of us, our families, and our communities. Two books that I recommend using with children and grandchildren are: Kindness Is My Superpower: www.amazon.com/Kindness-Superpower-childrens-Empathy-Compassion/dp/B08DSTHKQB Have Your Filled A Bucket Today?: www.amazon.com/Have-Filled-Bucket-Today-Bucketfilling/dp/099609993X  The definition of growth is becoming something bigger, better, or more. We grow physically and our families grow. Growth can involve developing one's capabilities, gaining new skills, learning how one fits into the world around one, and enhancing one's understanding of oneself. Through personal growth, we expand our capabilities, enrich our relationships, and create more meaningful careers and lives. We also grow spiritually and emotionally which involves cultivating qualities like self-awareness, compassion, and gratitude, and recognizing our interconnectedness with others, God, and the world. This journey often includes exploring personal beliefs, engaging in practices like prayer or meditation, and integrating spiritual values into daily life.
What stops us from growth? There are many factors, but some key ones include fear, lack of confidence and connection to our own self-worth and divinity, lack of vision, complacency or procrastination, complaint, resentment and anger, and the difficulty and pain that we may need to go through in order to grow. The reality is that growth can be painful; we must acknowledge the wounds, mistakes, and difficult memories of our past. The 13th Century poet Rumi saw the clear relationship between our wounds and our awakening--our growth. He said, “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience but shouts in our pain; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." The fact is that not to grow is hard and to grow is hard. If it is going to be hard either way, doesn’t it serve us to choose growth? Below, I share some books that I have found impactful for different areas of growth in life. Pick one to read yourself or use with a book club or small group. I will offer a webinar series on several of these books soon. Over the net few blogs, I will share more resources and stories that I have found meaningful to growth. I challenge you to think of one area of your life that you would like to expand or develop and make some goals for the final four months of 2025.
 A "soft startup" in the Gottman method refers to a gentle and respectful way to begin a conversation about a difficult topic, particularly when addressing a problem or conflict in a relationship. It emphasizes using a calm tone, positive body language, and "I" statements to express feelings and needs without placing blame on the partner. This approach aims to create a safe and open space for discussion, increasing the likelihood of a positive resolution.
In their recent book, "Fight Right", John and Julie Gottman state that couples who use softened start-ups have a much greater chance of success in their relationships which means not just staying together but finding high levels of happiness and satisfaction. The basic steps include:
Here are some examples of hard vs soft startups. Harsh startup: "You've overspent again! When are you going to stop being so irresponsible with our money?" Softened startup: "I feel stressed (the feeling) about our budget this month---it looks like we're going to be short again (the situation). Can we sit down together and plan how to cut some of our expenses (the need)? Harsh startup: "I can't believe you agreed to spend Christmas at your mom's again. You just cave in to whatever she wants. I guess we're never going to spend a holiday at my parents because the only family that matters is yours." Softened startup: "I'm sorry, but I'm still so frustrated (the feeling). Your mom pressured us into spending Christmas with her again (the situation). I miss spending holidays with my family (more feelings). Can we please go back to her and bow out for this year so that we can go to my parents' instead? That would make me feel like you really have my back (the need). I highly recommend this book for any couple who wants to discover more about turning their conflicts into connection. www.amazon.com/dp/B0C3ZJRBNL They also have a free phone app Gottman Card Decks, an amazing resource that gives tons of tips on topics such as I Feel..., Open-Ended Questions, Appreciations, Expressing Needs and more. Check out this video of the Gottmans talking about learning to identify and talk about feelings: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xt6affPLYpo  The Bagel Method is a technique developed by Julie and John Gottman to help couples in conflict find a true compromise--one that feels good to both partners. Offering a whole new way of approaching the "facts" of a fight, it involves mapping out your core needs and areas of flexibility so that you and your partner understand what's important and where there's room for flexibility. It is called the Bagel Method because the diagram literally looks like a bagel with an inner and outer circle. Here are the steps:
Flexibility is key when you can manage it. If all you do is say “No” to your partner, then it can make it difficult for your partner to feel safe and want to collaborate with you. The important thing is to feel heard and work with your partner as a team. For more from the Gottmans and their recently published book "Fight Right--How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection", check out these blogposts: why-we-fight-the-way-we-fight.html fight-right.html |
