A man spotted a chrysalis on a milkweed plant in his garden. After a few days, a small opening appeared.  He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then, it seemed to stop making any progress. The man decided to help the butterfly; he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the chrysalis. The butterfly emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its short life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting chrysalis and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the chrysalis. 

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We might never fly. Just like the butterfly, our children need struggles and challenges to strengthen them. Without any obstacles, they won’t discover their strengths and abilities and may even be lacking when facing new situations.

Even though we know the importance of allowing our children to work through challenges, this is one of the most difficult things to do—standing by as our child or even young adult struggles without stepping in to help. Without thinking about it, we spend a lot of energy every day controlling (or trying to control) our children—telling them what to eat, how quickly to get dressed, how to comb their hair, what friends they should have, how to chew their food, how to sit properly at the table, what they should do in their spare time, what they should study in school, what career they should have, how to raise their own children and so much more! 

When we control our children’s choices too much, we do prevent some of their mistakes, but the consequences are serious. By controlling them, we can cause them to become dependent, weak, unloved, unhappy, angry, and rebellious.  So, what can we do? Children gain experience, wisdom, and strength by making their own choices, struggling through their decisions, and learning to live with the consequences—both the good and the poor ones. 

We can share control with our children by giving lots of choices, even from a young age.  “Would you like juice or milk for lunch?”  “Will you wear your red or your blue shirt today?” “Shall we leave the park now or in 15 minutes?” “Will you do your homework before or after playing outside?” With older children, asking questions can help them think through a problem without telling them what to do. If a child is particularly frustrated, we might saw, “Would you like some ideas that other people have tried?” And it is always supportive to communicate that as the parent, “I believe in you—I know that you can figure this out. Let me know if you get stuck.”

For ideas on how to ask guiding questions instead of telling children and young adults what to do:
docs.google.com/document/d/1vJ_UtVvFR6PYWNFJK0hxLJ93zdepptwf/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=112786746884112804184&rtpof=true&sd=true

Our past impacts our current relationships. If we had experiences of being unconditionally loved for who we are, it is much easier to authentically love our spouse, children, parents, siblings, and friends. However, if we had difficult family relationships, felt unlovable, and doubted our own value, appreciating and loving others can be a challenge--no matter how much we want to. Dr. Lucia Capacchione, author and art therapist said, "Recovery of your Inner Child is the way to begin anew and to heal your life...Only you can reparent your Inner Child."

The good news is that it is never too late to heal the past! Through this process of healing myself, I discovered my passion for working with others as they focus on healing their relationships and their families. Over and over, I am reminded that healing is a process of being intentional; it begins with becoming more present to ourselves and involves peeling back layer after layer to discover our true self. Being willing to do this rewarding but often challenging work is an essential starting point. This journey of recovering and rediscovering your true God-given self may last the rest of your life as you discover the wounds that need healing, learn to use tools that uncover both the pain and the possibilities, find better ways of connecting with family and friends, and enjoy greater happiness and satisfaction. 

It is important to find support as you navigate this process. I am offering a 10 week online small group, using Dr. Capacchione’s book, "Recovery of Your Inner Child--the highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self." This small group which begins on Saturday, October 19 can give you support, safety and tools on this journey. Healing The Inner Child

Even if you aren't ready for a small group, I recommend "Recovery of Your Inner Child" as a resource to guide you through the steps to become aware of who your inner child is. It provides safe, firsthand experiences through a variety of creative art activities that can be done individually or in a group. Dr. Capacchione says, “For us to be fully human, the Child Within must be embraced and expressed. . .. Inside every adult, there is a child crying, ‘Let me out.’” 

The concept of the Inner Child may be new to you. When asked how we know that our Inner Child is present, Dr. Capacchione answered, “When we have feelings. The Inner Child is the emotional self. It is where our feelings live. When you experience joy, sadness, anger, fear, or affection, your Child Within is coming out.”  

Limiting beliefs live in our emotions, and they are our mind’s way of saving us in dangerous or difficult situations when we were little. When we experienced an emotionally challenging situation as a young child, our mind looked for a way to help and save us. Children can absorb overwhelming emotions without logically understanding them; the limiting belief becomes the interpretation to make sense of it. When we are not aware of the limiting beliefs and painful memories that we hold onto, our ability to nurture and love can be inhibited. The emotions are still there, trying to get our attention when we feel anxious, stressed, and feeling overwhelmed at work or with our children.

“Experts have estimated that ninety-five percent of the population received inadequate parenting. . .. Almost all of us have some Inner Child healing to do, says Dr. Capacchione.  The good news is that there are many tools available to support us in reparenting ourselves. Through our relationship with our child, we can become aware of triggers or issues that are unresolved, but it is important to understand that we are the only ones who can do our own work.
Healing The Inner Child