During their childhood, the Adventure Playground in Berkeley, California was one of my sons’ favorite places to visit. Based on the ideas of Danish architect Carl Theodor Sørensen, who had made use of scrap junkyards for playgrounds when Copenhagen was under occupation during World War II, the playground was a place to explore, hammer, saw, paint and create. By being able to go on the zipline and land in the haybales or use real tools to make something out of wood scraps, it gave them the opportunity to try something that is somewhat risky in a safe environment.

As parents, we can find ourselves saying “No” many times a day. “No, don’t throw that rock.” “No, you cannot climb that high in the tree.” “No, don’t do that!” By preventing our child from participating in risky play, we may also be preventing them from learning how to navigate risk, a skill that they will need as teenagers and young adults when we aren’t around to monitor them.

I recently heard a new parenting term, “Hummingbird Parent.” Instead of hovering and micro-managing like the helicopter parent, the hummingbird parent sits nearby, zooms in when necessary and zooms out again. As children grow in age, the parents can step back further to allow more freedom while still being available when needed. I really like this as a parenting model.

In reality, this model was challenging for me to practice. I wanted my active boys to be safe and make it to adulthood! But I realized that I had to let them explore, climb trees, throw rocks into fast-flowing rivers and try things that made me nervous. Sometimes, I had to bite my tongue and even look away for a moment to overcome my instinct to jump in and overprotect them.

Excerpt from my book 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 6, The Gift of Experiences, available here: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH
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The most important component in raising your child is your connection to them. Your relationship with them is the building block for their future relationships. Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us. 

Taking time to talk and listen, really listen, to your child is essential. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is while running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, and establishing family traditions and weekend outings.

Parenting is an inside job. Regardless of all the technological advances in our society today, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their child. As you and your partner guide your child through your relationship with them, you support them in learning to make good choices, taking responsibility and learning from their mistakes.

Through this connection and support, they develop a moral compass—an inner voice—that can guide them throughout their whole life. In fact, I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world.

Excerpt from my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, available here: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

Some of you know that I am wrote a book entitled, "The 7 Best Gifts To Give Your Child." Just thought I'd share an excerpt from the introduction. It is now available here: 
​ www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

As a preschool and kindergarten teacher for 25 years, I had a small plaque hanging in my classroom that read, “I touch the future, I teach.”  This simple reminder helped keep me connected to why I chose the teaching profession, especially during the challenges and frustrations that arise in trying to make learning fun for a room full of young children.

Now as a Parent Educator and Coach, I support parents as they raise their children. My new motto is “I touch the future, I parent!”
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Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years.

The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future.

In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.”

The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe (protected), seen (cared for and loved), soothed (comforted when hurting) and secure (feeling “at home” in the world.)

Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parent are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. And how do you develop it with your child? By showing up.
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We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We just need to be present.

Recently, I heard a story about how a parent handled a mistake that her daughter made.  The girl had dropped a glass that shattered across the hard floor and her face illuminated the horror she felt.

Rather than focusing on the mess on the floor, the mother picked up the girl and carried her to safety.  Then she said, "You feel bad, don't you? Many times I have made you feel ashamed when you made mistakes by frowning, raising my voice or saying hurtful words. I want you to know that I was wrong to do that. You needed me to love you and I was mean. I am sorry."

Then the mother took her daughter to a mirror, asked her to look at her reflection and said, "Do you know what I see? I see my lovely daughter who tries to do the right thing. Sometimes she isn't paying attention and she makes mistakes. But you are not a mistake, you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are.  Let me give you a hug and then, let's go clean up the broken glass."

I was struck with how important it is for us as parents and grandparents to convey to our children/grandchildren that they are so much more than their mistakes and broken parts.  They receive this message constantly from the culture around that no one will love them as they are and so they pretend they are someone else by hiding behind the latest shoes, clothing, makeup, friends, trends and gadgets.

It reminded me of the song from The Greatest Showman "This Is Me." It begins:

I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me...

There is much more to this powerful song.  You can hear it sung by Keala Settle and others from the movie at the link below.  In fact, if you haven't seen The Great Showman movie, I highly recommend it. Even if you have seen it, rewatch it with your middle school and older kids and have a discussion about who we are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw

I believe that for many of us, we still have feelings, wounds and beliefs hidden away that cause us to feel ashamed of our mistakes and broken parts.  We cannot give to others what we don't recognize and honor within ourselves.  To reclaim the power of unconditional love, we have to start with ourselves. 

Sharing from the facebook page of Sarah Sutcliffe
tinyurl.com/r2brw8j

Dear friends,

I wanted to share some food for thought. As we face uncertain times here in WA (and everywhere) I see many parents concerned that their children are going to fall behind as our schools head into a 4-6 week closure. But I see this an incredible opportunity. An opportunity to slow down. To sit in silence and see what makes their souls happy, what interests them. Learning literally happens EVERYWHERE, not just in school.

So take a leap and watch how much growth can come from this. Do they have a love of music? Enjoy watching birds? A passion for cooking? See this as a time to deep dive with them. Learn to play the guitar, watch birds and create a nature journal, or let them cook dinner! This is not a time to fall behind in school this is a time to see what sets their souls on FIRE! 🔥 We can teach them about our community and how we can think bigger than ourselves. We can show them that they can take control over their own education and help them see just how brilliant they are.

There are a ton of resources out there, many that are free or low cost I would be happy to share. One of our favorites is Outschool.com. They can take online classes that interest them and Skype with teachers and other students. It’s time we show these kids what it’s like to slow down and FEEL the ebbs and flows of life. We as a society can either continue to rant and complain about this or we can show the future generation what an incredible opportunity this is for connection. The choice is yours.❤️
.
.
Resources for those that have asked….
But PLEASE, please do not try and recreate ‘School’ at home. This is already a stressful and confusing time for all of us. Use this time to connect deeper with your kids and find out what interests them. School at home doesn’t need to take place for 5-6 hours a day.

Online learning:
Adventureacademy.com
Outschool.com
ABC Mouse tinyurl.com/t7f7l69(little kids)
prodigygame.com (math)
storyboardthat.com (creative thinking)
Websites for printable worksheets:
Education.com
teacherspayteachers.com
k5learning.com
tinmanpress.com
Misc online:
sciencefun.org
kiwico.com/diy
curiositystream.com

Additionally many Museums offer online tours. A few of our Favorites,
The Spy Museum
The Vatican
NASA
The Louvre
Fun activities
flower pressing
stick whittling
create a fairy garden
ART. ART. and more ART.
create a nature journal
photography (let them take and edit)
start a garden (even in a pot)
finger knitting
Read Aloud REALLY GOOD books 

By Dr. Charles Fay
Love and Logic Parenting
www.loveandlogic.com
 
Perseverance is the key to building grit. There is no doubt that kids who develop it will lead happier and more productive lives than those who don’t. Listed below are few “grit builders” with corresponding “grit stealers.”
 
​Teaching perseverance isn’t complicated. It requires a willingness to allow kids to experience healthy challenges as they grow. It also requires that we let them see that they have what it takes to cope with life’s challenges.​

About a month ago, I started hearing noises overhead at night while trying to fall asleep.  We have a large oak tree in our back yard and it isn’t unusual to hear squirrels run across our roof but not at night. After a few nights of lying awake due to the scratching noises, I became convinced that one of the squirrels was living in our attic.

I was met with skepticism when I told my husband, Michael. That is until one night, he heard the noise too. Now I love nature and animals as long as they don’t decide to move into my domain. What I really wanted was for my husband to do something about it—to fix the problem. But he wasn’t quick to respond.

I am not proud to say that I went into victim mode. I whined and fussed and complained. Finally, he said, “Why don’t you do something about it? Call someone to get a quote.” Wow, what a novel idea!  Here I was wanting him to take care of the problem and suddenly, I was empowered to take action.

I contacted four companies that came to our home, tramped around in the attic and gave free quotes for their solution to our problem.  I found out way more than I ever cared to know about critters that live in attics—roof rats, squirrels and even bats. 

Turns out that squirrels can squeeze themselves through a hole the size of an apple core and rats can get through even smaller openings.  And our roof had a number of possible entrances. One of the inspectors pointed out a chewed-out area on one of the gables that looked large enough for a whole family of squirrels to gain access. Michael got in on the action by putting a motion-sensitive camera in the attic and we identified our unwelcome guest—a raccoon!

The amazing thing about acting like a victim is that it puts us in a state to view everything in life as happening to us. Victimhood is the belief that other people need to make us happy and solve our problems for us. 

With impeccable timing, Michael and I have been reading Greg Baer’s “Real Love for Wise Men and Women” during the raccoon habitation. Dr. Baer says, “If I appear pathetic and helpless enough—if I act like a victim—I can attract your sympathy and accomplish two things:  you might not hurt me and you might give me what I want. Victims have to lie about their responsibility for the choices they make, and they have to lie about other people being perpetrators. These lies separate them from the truth and the possibility of feeling Real Love.”

Children learn their beliefs and behaviors from observing us. If in their presence, we whine and complain about our boss, our co-workers, our spouses, the government, the neighbors and so on, our children see us and learn to act like victims themselves. As well, we teach them to act like victims when we allow them to manipulate us. These learned behaviors can contribute to our children developing a sense of entitlement and view the world as treating them unfairly.

Almost all parents, when asked what they most want for their children, would respond that they want them to be happy. Being a victim can buy sympathy and attention, but never Real Love. Genuine happiness comes from taking responsibility, doing what needs to be done and feeling the sense of accomplishment no matter how old we are.
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I am happy to say that we hired one of the pest companies. They have removed the raccoon and will patch up the holes in a few days. And I had the opportunity to relearn an important lesson in part because I have a wise husband who is helping me to recognize and move out of victimhood.

Love and Logic Parenting
By Jedd Hafer, www.loveandlogic.com
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Ali’s kids helped her create a pawn shop and a charity. Her twin toddlers didn’t mean to help create these entities, but they did.
 
Eva and Eric left a mass of toys scattered all over the house. Ali used a Love and Logic phrase she learned in a class: “You get to keep the toys you pick up and I’ll keep the ones I pick up.”
 
Then came the hardest part — following through. She got a trash bag and filled it with the toys her children hadn’t picked up. At first, she worried because the twins didn’t seem particularly upset by their diminished toy supply (thanks to Grandma, it was quite impressive).
 
But Ali did notice there were fewer items spread out the next time. She also noticed the twins moved a bit faster and her daughter Eva checked out of the corner of her eye to see where Mom was while she picked up. Fewer toys went into the bag the second time.
 
By the third repetition, Mom barely had to pick up anything. And as she casually walked near one of Eric’s favorites, he scrambled to pick it up before she got there.
 
Ali’s new dilemma: what to do with these toys in the bag. She had heard that some parents decide to let their kids do extra chores (not their regular contributions to the family) to earn back some toys. She liked that idea, but she took it to another level. She picked out the best of the confiscated toys and placed them on a high shelf with actual price tags (Eva and Eric were learning about numbers and money). Some of the toys had twenty-five cents and a picture of a quarter on their tags.
 
Ali made a list of chores that were worth twenty-five cents when completed. By some strange coincidence, they were also tasks she wanted done. Ali’s pawn shop was born, and they all had quite a bit of fun exchanging chores, money, and toys.
 
Some toys didn’t make it to Ali’s pawn shelf. She tried to donate them to an organization but learned that particular charity would not accept “used toys.” Never one to give up easily, Ali called her local church daycare and asked if they could use some toys. They could! And they were even willing to come to pick them up. To make it worth the church’s while, Ali enlisted a neighbor friend who also needed to get rid of some excess toys. To top it off, she decided to donate some of her own clothes to the church’s program for people in need.
 
Eva and Eric were given the gift of watching some of their toys being handed to the church staff as well as seeing Mom donate, too.
 
While many parents would lecture the kids and hand the toys back quickly (or maybe not enforce the limit in the first place), this mom was able to turn the toy mess into two important lessons.

:Recently, I had several opportunities to speak to a group of parents of young children. As I was preparing my remarks, I looked over the articles that I have written for my blog over the past year and a half. Of all the knowledge that I have gleaned from the numerous parenting books that line my bookshelf and sit in stacks next to where I write can be distilled down to a few fundamental phrases.

Relationship is key.

The world has changed tremendously over the past thirty years. In the past, children and youth developed their ideas, values and worldview largely from their family and community. Today, growing up in a global community, social media impacts our children’s taste in clothing, food, music, social/political/religious beliefs, fears, anxieties and more.
 
Yet, family is still essential and relevant. Regardless of all technological advances, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their growing children. But our relationship with our children is key. Parenting with empathy, love and modeling what we want our children to inherit are a big part of creating connection. Go to this blog for more on this: 
gifts-we-can-give-our-children-empathy.html
 
Love and respect of oneself and others are largely determined by how well a child’s basic needs are met in the first two years of life.

Every time an infant’s basic needs are met, a seed of trust and kindness is planted into that child’s mind and heart. Dr. Foster Cline coined the phrase “The Trust Cycle” in the 1970s. When a child expresses a need by crying/expressing discomfort and the parent responds, trust is achieved. The basic components of eye contact, smiles, hugs, holding, touch and relief from pain and discomfort all contribute to this trust. It is a known fact that an infant will die not only from lack of nourishment but also from not receiving physical touch, eye contact and smiles.
 
Our children never outgrown the need to know that they are loved. We all need touch, connection and to know that we matter!
 
Presence is love

In May of 2019, the ABC network aired a special called “Screen Time” hosted by Diane Sawyer which looked at how smartphones are affecting us. One preschooler conveyed the immense importance of presence when he was observed going to his mother who was talking on a cell phone, taking her face in his hands and saying, “Mommy, I need you to listen to me with your whole face.”
 
Children learn more from who we are when we are with them than what we try to teach them. We don’t need to be perfect but showing up and being present means noticing the little things, learning to put down our cell phones and really listening. Provide it when you’re meeting their needs; when you’re expressing your love to them; when you’re disciplining them; when you’re laughing together; even when you’re arguing with them.
 
Failure is part of growing up; it contributes to developing resilience and succeeding

Dr. E. P. Seligman, often called the father of Positive Psychology, discovered children need to fail in order to succeed. In fact, it can help them figure out how to succeed next time. He discovered that until the early 1960s, achievement was the most important goal that parents sought to instill in their children.
 
However, from the 1960s to the present, the goals of happiness and high self-esteem have replaced achievement and become the key focus. In four large scale studies by Dr. Seligman, the results of this new trend are that depression has skyrocketed and feelings of self-esteem have actually plummeted.
 
In his book. "12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid," Tim Elmore states, “Refusing to let kids fail brings two negative outcomes. First, it fosters the fear of failure later in life as adults…Second, it dilutes the will or motivation to excel.” Click here for his book tinyurl.com/qo3vvn4
 
As a parent, we need to learn to weigh learning experiences against rescuing them. Which choice will enhance our child’s self-concept? Often, learning to ask a guiding question can support our child’s decision without taking away their life lessons. Quiet support and empathy go a long way as our children, youth and young adults are figuring out their next steps.
 
Learn to Prepare the Child for the Path instead of the Path for the Child

Tim Elmore concludes that learning to prepare the child for the path instead of trying to change the path for the child is what is needed. There is much for us to be hopeful about as parents when we learn to be honest about our relationship with our children and see where we need to adapt.