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On our journey in life, the most profound thing that we can offer others--partners, children, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors--is our own healing and growth towards being a more loving person.
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 Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been studying the science of love for over fifty years, and they have uncovered the science of helping people "Fight Right." In their most recent book, "Fight Right--How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Communication", they state that conflict is a human constant and that there are two basic types of fights that couples have: solvable ones that have some kind of solution and perpetual ones that are over issues that don't go away because they tap into some of the deeper differences between the couple--personalities, priorities, values, and beliefs. The good news is that the ultimate goal of conflict is to create something better for yourself, your partner, and for the world. Conflict doesn't have to break us apart. Conflict and peace aren't mutually exclusive; we can arrive at peace through conflict by combining kindness and gentleness with fighting. We can grow closer because of conflict but we need to understand more about the heart of our conflicts and learn to Fight Right.
Through all their research, the Gottmans discovered certain key points about couples fighting. They found that during conflict, couples that exhibited four key behaviors that they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness were more likely to split up by their fifth anniversary. But they also realized that "no conflict" wasn't the answer either. Couples who avoided arguments and conflicts also had no humor, curiosity, or interest in each other and often divorced after ten years. Learning how to turn a relationship around, going into conflict as a collaboration, not a war was part of the solution. They found that people could turn relationships around--fight right, love better, and connect more deeply--when they were given practical, science-based interventions to use in conflict. Over the next few blogs, I will share more about the Gottmans and the essential resources that they lay out in their book. Watch this short video about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and see if you recognize yourself in any of the behaviors: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is Next week, I will share what they say about Why We Fight The Way We Fight. You can also watch the "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" webinars where Kendra Stein guided us through some of the highlights of Fight Right. Part 1: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn7880NhL0E Part 2: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0UICizhrBk Comments are closed.
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