The Freedom to Make Mistakes

Imagine that you are an athlete and as your trainer, I’m concerned that you might overexert or injure yourself during training. Each time you show up for a practice session, I do all the exercises and routines myself. I spare you a lot of sweat and pain, but when it is time for you to perform in a competition, you will discover that you are not prepared. In fact, my efforts have inhibited your development.

Your child needs to gain their own experience, wisdom, strength, and confidence through making their own choices. If we make their decisions for them and rescue them when they make mistakes, they will not learn the important skills needed for their future. Rather than doing the work for them, as parents we need to be available to encourage, support, guide, and challenge them as they develop these skills. 

Let’s think for a minute about what parental approach would support resiliency. If a parent hovers, protects, and rescues their child from any kind of harm, not allowing them to fail or make mistakes, they steal the learning opportunities from their child in the name of love. If the parent barks orders, saying, “Do it or else,” the result is that punishment becomes the imposed consequence. Punishment breeds resentment, hinders the development of intrinsic motivation, and keeps the child from pausing for self-examination of their mistakes. Drill sergeants are great in a battle, but suboptimal as a parenting model.

However, if we allow our child to experience the natural consequences of their choices, we can help them find a solution and own the problem by asking them guiding questions and offering suggestions. Instead of telling them what to do, consultant parents help establish time frames and guidelines within which to work, allowing the child to be responsible. Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem, a prerequisite for resilience, achievement, and happiness in the real world. Consultant parents have discovered that it is important to model the kinds of characteristics that they want their child to inherit.

Ideally, we are meant to have considerable freedom concerning our life choices, including the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them as part of our growth process. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. The older the child gets, the bigger the decisions become, and the graver the consequences of those decisions. It is wise to allow our child to make many mistakes when they are young and the consequences are “affordable.” As painful as it is to stand by and allow them to learn through the result of their choices, this is the price that we must pay in raising responsible children who grow into amazing young adults.

This is an except from a chapter in my book. For more on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child click the link.

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