Using Safe Conversations With The Family

If you have been reading my blogs or connected with me as a coach, you know that one of the things I am passionate about is creating connections using Safe Conversations. Often, I work with a couple or a parent and an adult child, but families are the center of relational importance. They're not only who we spend the most time with but it's also where we experience most of our challenges being in a close, safe, and harmonious relationship.  I would like to share some ways to use the tools of Safe Conversations within families.

Between parents and children--especially teenagers--we often hear the phrase, "You're not listening to me." Listening is a skill that we aren't usually taught, and research shows that we hear 40% or less of what others say to us, whether that is a friend, parent, child, boss, or co-worker.  One tool that Safe Conversations teaches is to mirror back what the other person has said. It might look like this: "So, you said that your brother borrows your things without asking and that really bothers you. Is there more about that?" Asking “Is there more?” invites the other person to reflect and possibly share more. This kind of listening means that I must put aside giving advice or trying to solve the problem. The key element is listening to understand which can take us towards being able to empathize instead of criticizing.

​Developing a family culture of sharing appreciations about each other supports connection with each other. The best way to model it is for parents to appreciate each other in the presence of their children as well as parents expressing them to the children. It can be as simple as noticing your child for something that they are doing. Saying, "Thanks for taking out the garbage without me even asking you," or "You really seem to like the color blue, that blue shirt brings out the color of your eyes and looks great on you," or "I appreciate that you remembered to put gas in the car after borrow it." Catching our kids acting "good" and acknowledging it shows that we are paying attention and caring about them. Some families make sharing appreciations a family tradition used at family meetings or on special occasions like having each family member give a Birthday Appreciation.


Within the family, we have the best opportunity to learn new ways of being in relationship. Finding ways to have better communication and feeling greater joy in our family relationships builds a foundation for all future relationships. For more ideas, activities, and family games to support your family's relationships: 
 
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