Why We Fight the Way We Fight

Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD says, “Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.” She and her husband John Gottman, PhD have spent years working with couples to understand how we can Fight Right. And they have discovered that there are three possible "conflict styles" within a healthy partnership: avoiding, validating, and volatile.

Conflict avoidant couples
There are actually two types of conflict avoidant couples.
The first version:

• Rarely talks about points of disagreement because it makes them uncomfortable.
• There is division in their lives with more clearly defined roles.
• They lead stable lives but are lonely, isolated, and low risk takers who achieve a level of contentment

The second type of conflict avoidant couple:

• Are interested in one another. They learn to listen to one another and then move on without too much conflict.
• They live with their differences.
• However, watch out for emotional drift and distance because they are so focused on the positives that issues aren’t addressed. 

Validating couples

• They are calmer in conflict but aren’t content to agree to disagree.
• They deal with escalation by taking breaks and they see themselves as teammates, not rivals.
• They can get focused on logistics and lose track of positivity.
• And watch out for rising negativity, especially when they become overly focused on solutions and not connection. 

Volatile couples

• The volatile couple has no problem expressing emotions.
• There is plenty of overlap in roles and responsibilities. 
• Overtime, there is a tendency to build up of aggression, loss of humor and positivity, and fights can get out of control.
• Watch out for going dark, sarcastic, or critical. 

We might conclude that the validating couple seems to be the "ideal couple." However, John Gottman said that any of the three styles have an equal shot at being masters of love if they had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict. He discovered that the negative carries a lot more weight than the positive; so, learning how to add in more positives supports having a successful fight. This might seem challenging to do when things are heating up but it can be as simple as smiling, nodding, offering a validation or empathetic word, giving a soft touch, owning your part, or including humor through laughter or an appropriate joke.

Start with identifying your own style--self-awareness gives us power and clarity. Then, try to add in more positivity in your relationship--not just when you are fighting but throughout the day.

Hear John Gottman talk about the Magic 5:1 Ratio: 
www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10155422728185865

Read about how a parent applied this 5:1 Ratio with her child:
happyyouhappyfamily.com/how-to-connect-with-your-child/

For last week's blog that introduces this topic:
​fight-right.html

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