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 I am excited to announce that my book is now available on Amazon here: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child
I'd like to share two tools that I recommend for parents, grandparents, nannies and teachers to help preschool and elementary age children learn to make better choices and gain the gift of accountability. This is an excerpt from 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 5--The Gift of Accountability. Clip Chart: This is a tool that I used as a teacher, but it is easily adapted to home use. Using a piece of construction paper, cardstock, or poster board that is approximately 12” by 18,” divide it into five equal sections and label it according to the diagram. You could even use five paper plates, an idea I saw recently on a play school post. Write each child’s name on a clothespin and clip them on one side of the chart. Every morning, the child’s clip begins at Ready to Learn. When they make good choices, they can move their clip up to Good Choices or Great Job. If they make a poor choice, they move the clip down to Think About It or Conference with Parent for a more serious or repeated offense. Ideally, you let the child think about it for a short time, and then move it back up to Ready to Learn after a conversation about the different choices they need to make. This visual works best with children elementary school age or younger. I found that making each section a different color was helpful. For example, I made Ready to Learn green, Good Choices blue and Great Job purple. I used yellow for Think About It and red for Conference with Parent/Teacher. Be creative with the wording; for instance, maybe labeling the middle section Ready to Grow makes more sense for your child. The chart is most effective if you introduce it as a tool to help your child get feedback on their behavior and choices. Having them move their own clip is an important part of this process. It isn’t meant to be punitive but to serve as a reminder that there are consequences for actions and words. Use it as long as it is effective, and then take a break for a while before revisiting it. Good Choices Jar: Another classroom tool adaptable for the home is the Good Choices Jar. Using any plastic or glass jar, put a marble in the jar each time that you observe your child making a positive choice. You can use it for a specific behavior that you would like to support, or it can be for any helpful or kind words or actions. The jar can be for one child or for everyone in the family. When the jar is full, have a Good Choices Party and do something wonderful or go somewhere special. Let your child help to come up with the reward for a full jar of marbles. Make sure that the size of the jar is challenging but not unattainable to fill. You can have the rule that the child can report helpful things that they did (that you didn’t observe) when it is corroborated by a sibling, friend or parent. Consider reading the book yourself and giving it as holiday gifts to your adult children who are parents. Or give it as a baby shower gift or give it to any other young parents that you know. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, visit: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child  I recently spent the day at a beautiful Maui beach on vacation with family. As I made my way into the water, it was a struggle to navigate with waves break around my knees pulling me towards the shore and the receding water underneath pulling my feet back towards the ocean. Finally, I reached the deeper water and was able to float effortlessly, rising with the swelling waves instead of wrestling with them.
As I relaxed and looked around, I noticed a school of small fish swim by and a sea turtle raise its head out of the water to breathe. A young child, supported by a parent, was learning to ride a surfboard into the shore. Off in the distance, a sailboat glided along. I reflected on the strength of the ocean. The ocean isn’t something to control but we can find ways to cooperate with the ocean's power—like the surfers we had seen the day before. Learning to respect this power is important for anyone living and working near an ocean. If I am honest with myself, I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to control things in my life that weren’t meant to be controlled—people, situations, relationships, circumstances, and more. How about you? What relationship comes to mind—your child, your partner, maybe a boss or co-worker, or how about a parent or in-law? When was the last time you struggled with a frustrating situation at work, on a committee or during a family vacation when things just weren’t working? There are some things that have helped me to learn to let go of this need to control. First, I am learning to not take things personally. Usually, people are doing the best they can. When others overreact, it isn’t just to me but to a lifetime of pain and wounding. Studying and practicing Real Love with intentional small groups has given me the support and safety to discover my own wounding and begin to heal. Secondly, learning the tools of Safe Conversations has helped me become a better listener as well as find ways to communicate my own needs calmly and with respect. Also, I have discovered practices that support me letting go of the need to control—Emotional Freedom Technique, Mindfulness, Inner Child work, Ho’oponopono, journaling, meditation and more. As a coach and educator, I use all of these tools to help others work towards a happier life. Still reflecting, I made my way back toward the beach. Suddenly, I found myself knocked off balance by a wave and landed face down in the sand. Before I could get up, I was on my back, flipped over like a pancake by an aggressive cook. It was a good reminder that I need to be present to the work of continuing to find greater balance in my life. And because I have been working on letting things go that I can’t control, I got up with a smile and as much grace as I could muster. If you would like to know more about what I offer as a coach, click here: Coaching Find out more about Safe Conversations and considering signing up for the next workshop on Saturday, November 13th. Click here: Safe Conversations  Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years.
Technology has changed our world forever. Kids, youth, and young adults today do not know a world without cellphones and other forms of media. These developments in technology connects them to news and trends instantaneously, significantly affecting and shaping their worldview. Events happening around the world are quickly available to us, which can impact our feelings of anxiety and fear. This onslaught of information is unprecedented in human history, and something that we all must learn how to navigate with discernment. As an increasingly global community, we often live far from extended families and the support they could offer. More households have both parents working, which adds additional pressure as they juggle work, school, family, and community. A much higher percentage of single/separated/divorced parents are navigating new challenges on their parenting journey. These added complexities can leave many families feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parents are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. How do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We simply need to be present.  During their childhood, the Adventure Playground in Berkeley, California was one of my sons’ favorite places to visit. Based on the ideas of Danish architect Carl Theodor Sørensen, who had made use of scrap junkyards for playgrounds when Copenhagen was under occupation during World War II, the playground was a place to explore, hammer, saw, paint and create. By being able to go on the zipline and land in the haybales or use real tools to make something out of wood scraps, it gave them the opportunity to try something that is somewhat risky in a safe environment. As parents, we can find ourselves saying “No” many times a day. “No, don’t throw that rock.” “No, you cannot climb that high in the tree.” “No, don’t do that!” By preventing our child from participating in risky play, we may also be preventing them from learning how to navigate risk, a skill that they will need as teenagers and young adults when we aren’t around to monitor them. I recently heard a new parenting term, “Hummingbird Parent.” Instead of hovering and micro-managing like the helicopter parent, the hummingbird parent sits nearby, zooms in when necessary and zooms out again. As children grow in age, the parents can step back further to allow more freedom while still being available when needed. I really like this as a parenting model. In reality, this model was challenging for me to practice. I wanted my active boys to be safe and make it to adulthood! But I realized that I had to let them explore, climb trees, throw rocks into fast-flowing rivers and try things that made me nervous. Sometimes, I had to bite my tongue and even look away for a moment to overcome my instinct to jump in and overprotect them. Excerpt from my upcoming book 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 6, The Gift of Experiences. It will be available on Amazon in August.   The most important component in raising your child is your connection to them. Your relationship with them is the building block for their future relationships. Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us.
Taking time to talk and listen, really listen, to your child is essential. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is while running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, and establishing family traditions and weekend outings. Parenting is an inside job. Regardless of all the technological advances in our society today, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their child. As you and your partner guide your child through your relationship with them, you support them in learning to make good choices, taking responsibility and learning from their mistakes. Through this connection and support, they develop a moral compass—an inner voice—that can guide them throughout their whole life. In fact, I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. Excerpt from my book which is coming soon: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future  At this time of year, we are encouraged to remember what we are grateful for. Whether it is from a post on social media, a sermon on the Sunday before Thanksgiving or around the table before the turkey is carved, we are asked to reflect on what we are thankful for. Having gratitude is a worthy endeavor that I believe shouldn't be reserved for a certain season. For ways to incorporate gratitude into daily life, check out the ideas I shared in a blog post a few years ago. https://www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/gratitude-as-a-daily-practice Today I would like to focus on moving from feeling grateful to doing something to express that gratitude. There are many opportunities that we can take to put our gratitude into action: thanking the checkout clerk at a local store for her efficient service, calling someone that we know is homebound and not able to have visitors, donating canned goods or volunteering at a local food bank, helping your family make a card or a video to send to grandparents or sending a letter or text to someone to express your appreciation for their presence in your life. This is also the time of year that many consider giving an end of the year donation to support non-profits for the differences they are making in the lives of others. An organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board is Women's Federation for World Peace. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee or in our neighborhood. When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of giving back in this way. Some of the WFWP projects serve internationally. For over twenty-five years, WFWP US has financially supported nine schools in eight African countries. https://www.wfwp.us/schools-of-africa Just yesterday, one of my fellow WFWP members created a disaster relief for the victims of the recent typhoon in the Phillipines https://tinyurl.com/yxt872fr Other initiatives are focused on the challenges that we are facing here in the US. Twice a month, we have been coming together on a zoom prayer circle for peace and healing in America, reminding ourselves and each other of what is truly important and unchanging in our lives. Local chapters work collaboratively with other organizations, focusing on reconciliation and ending racism, educating about domestic violence, organizing neighborhood clean-ups and much more. Perhaps, I am most inspired by educational components that I can be a part of. About a year ago, I became a Women's Federation for World Peace Global Friend. https://www.wfwp.us/globalfriends. Global Friends are organizations, companies, and movements who believe in and support core peace tenets and use their outlet to foster lasting peace and prosperity for generations to come. In this way, I can combine my educational and coaching work with giving back and collaborate on some amazing projects. Over the past year, I was able to work together with a small group of talented coaches and educators to create a zoom webinar series entitled "What is the Path to True Freedom? Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships." While we cannot control a lot of what happens in the world around us, we do have control over the choices that we make and how we live each day. I encourage you to be mindful about your interactions and seek ways to express your gratitude to others. If you are looking for an organization that supports women to be peace leaders, please visit https://www.wfwp.us/ to learn more. If you would like to be part of a learning community that is striving to live from a place of unconditional love and learn to communicate more effectively, please visit my website to see upcoming programs. https://www.coachmyrna.org/ Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving! Safe Conversations is a process changing relationships around the world.
On Saturday, December 5, 11 am to 3 pm PST, I will be facilitating an online Safe Conversation® workshop. Beginning with the belief that relationship skills can be taught, Safe Conversations® helps us to train our brains to experience a sense of belonging. The process teaches us how to slow down and take steps to more deeply understand another person. The 3-step dialogue process empowers us to:
Your relationships impact your health, happiness, and the ability to face hard times. The amount of stress in your relationships may currently be at an all-time high. Through this webinar, I will offer you science-based practical steps so you can learn to stay connected even when it feels impossible. This interactive workshop is designed for individuals and couples. You’ll learn Safe Conversations®, which combines relationship education and brain science in the dialogue process that creates safety so people can connect. The workshop will take place on Zoom on Saturday, December 5th and will include teaching, demonstrations, and practice times in breakout rooms. You’ll be able to interact and ask questions. Included is a follow-up session held on Zoom Saturday, January 9, 2021 from 11am – 1pm PST to give you additional practice. The price is $99 for individual and $199 for a couple--for a total of six hours of training and practice. To sign up, go here: https://safeconversations.com/event/online-workshop-12052020/. For more information about Safe Conversations®, click here: https://safeconversations.com/ If you have questions for me, please email me: myrnalapres@gmail.com. I look forward to connecting with you. Myrna Lapres Family Relationship Coach & Safe Conversation® Facilitator  Recently, my husband and I have been preparing to sell our house in Georgia. After de-cluttering and a lot of cleaning, our agent was walking through the place with us and making recommendations about possible changes. She mentioned replacing the chandelier that hangs in our two-story foyer. I was thinking, “What’s wrong with the light? It works fine and seems OK to me.” However, my extremely resourceful and handy husband pulled the light over to the second-floor balcony to have a look. He cleaned every inch of the glass and replaced the light bulbs. It was amazing—the chandelier looks the best it ever has and it definitely didn’t need to be replaced! As I was admiring it that evening, I realized that our experience with the chandelier has applications to our lives. Sometimes, we get busy with the daily details and forget to pay attention to our relationships with those we love the most. They get dusty and gather cobwebs as we rush to get things done. We miss the precious moments to stop and say a kind word or touch a shoulder because we are so focused on what we need to do. Our connection and our lives lose some of their brightness. And we wonder what happened, how we got here and where the time went. After many years of research, Dr. Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.” That connection is what we create when we pay attention to each other and invest in our relationships with our partners, children, parents, grandparents and friends. Even when we are not physically together, we can send a text, share a joke, find time to video chat or write an email. Currently I am in training to become a Safe Conversations facilitator and the founders, Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD state that a relationship is two (or more) people and the “space between” them. What we put into the space between impacts the quality of our connection. Using a dialogue process, affirmations and a commitment to practicing “zero negativity,” I am learning to support individuals as they deepen their connection with each other and find greater joy and wonder in their lives. If you are interested in knowing more, check the website safeconversations.com/ I will be offering a Safe Conversations class in November after relocating to Northern California. Let me know if you would like to be on the list or would like more information Contact Me The more light we allow into our lives and our relationships, the brighter our world will be.  Some of you know that I am currently writing a book entitled, "The 7 Best Gifts To Give Your Child." Just thought I'd share an excerpt from the introduction. Stay tuned for updates and availability.
As a preschool and kindergarten teacher for 25 years, I had a small plaque hanging in my classroom that read, “I touch the future, I teach.” This simple reminder helped keep me connected to why I chose the teaching profession, especially during the challenges and frustrations that arise in trying to make learning fun for a room full of young children. Now as a Parent Educator and Coach, I support parents as they raise their children. My new motto is “I touch the future, I parent!” Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe (protected), seen (cared for and loved), soothed (comforted when hurting) and secure (feeling “at home” in the world.) Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parent are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. And how do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We just need to be present.  Recently, I was watching an episode by Dr. Greg Baer on his "Ridiculously Effective Parenting" Face Book Live event. He described how a parent handled a mistake that her daughter made. The girl had dropped a glass that shattered across the hard floor and her face illuminated the horror she felt.
Rather than focusing on the mess on the floor, the mother picked up the girl and carried her to safety. Then she said, "You feel bad, don't you? Many times I have made you feel ashamed when you made mistakes by frowning, raising my voice or saying hurtful words. I want you to know that I was wrong to do that. You needed me to love you and I was mean. I am sorry." Then the mother took her daughter to a mirror, asked her to look at her reflection and said, "Do you know what I see? I see my lovely daughter who tries to do the right thing. Sometimes she isn't paying attention and she makes mistakes. But you are not a mistake, you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are. Let me give you a hug and then, let's go clean up the broken glass." I am paraphrasing the story. But what an impactful example of reclaiming the power of Real Love! You can watch the complete video with Dr. Greg Baer and check out other content here: https://www.facebook.com/RidiculouslyEffectiveParenting/videos/1473845179464372/UzpfSTEwNjM0MzMzNDA4Njg4MTpWSzozMTcxNTM2NDkyOTMwODY/ Dr. Baer goes on in this session to talk about how important it is for us as parents and grandparents to convey to our children/grandchildren that they are so much more than their mistakes and broken parts. They receive this message constantly from the culture around that no one will love them as they are and so they pretend they are someone else by hiding behind the latest shoes, clothing, makeup, friends, trends and gadgets. He referred to a song from The Greatest Showman "This Is Me." It begins: I'm not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say 'Cause we don't want your broken parts I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one will love you as you are But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me... There is much more to this powerful song. You can hear it sung by Keala Settle and others from the movie at the link below. In fact, if you haven't seen The Great Showman movie, I highly recommend it. Even if you have seen it, rewatch it with your middle school and older kids and have a discussion about who we are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw I believe that for many of us, we still have feelings, wounds and beliefs hidden away that cause us to feel ashamed of our mistakes and broken parts. We cannot give to others what we don't recognize and honor within ourselves. To reclaim our Real Love power, we have to start with ourselves. I would like to invite you to join me in an online free four-week Real Love Small Group begining Wednesday, July 15 at 8 pm ET. For more info and to sign up, click here: Home |
