 As I stated last week, the purpose of a weekly family gathering time is to have one evening each week where the family is the focus and priority. As simple as that sounds, it will not happen unless we reserve the time. Put it on your schedule just like you do with all other appointments. It can include a special meal as well: Taco Tuesday or Crockpot Chili Friday.
Family meetings can make a big difference. They can become the keystone to a happy, harmonious family life. Families who meet weekly find that siblings fight less, children argue less with their parents and there is less yelling and nagging! That is definitely an hour a week well spent. If you missed the WHY, read last week’s blog. www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/the-power-of-weekly-family-time The purpose is two-fold: logistics and connections. Logistics are the nuts and bolts of running a family: what’s coming up next week, what is needed for school (special projects, requests for cookies, sports practice, music lessons, etc.) Connection is what life is all about. It is the love, the hugs, the emotional support, the delight and pride in each other. The connection with people who love us--that is what makes life worth living. Joyful Parenting Coach Elisabeth Stitt suggests that there are four essential elements that make a great family meeting. First is a short sharing time. Each family member shares 1-2 sentences on a given topic: the best thing about my day/week, what I am grateful for, my most embarrassing moment, my favorite family vacation (5 minutes.) Second is a calendar check in about family logistics—what is coming up and who needs to do what (10 minutes.) Third is a time of reading or discussion on a pertinent topic. It could be a short spiritual reading, a few pages from an inspiring biography/autobiography, The Book of Virtues or a favorite chapter book followed by a discussion. This is an opportunity to talk about/share stories of family history and values (15 minutes) Lastly, it is essential to do something fun. This could be anything from a quick board game to a pillow fight to hide-and-seek to charades. If you are just getting started with Family Meetings, use the first time to brainstorm ideas for future meetings (15-30 minutes.) Using these four elements, you can be flexible and creative with family meetings. If your children are young, it may be about establishing a weekly routine without worry about the various parts. With older children, include them in the planning process for the weekly fun activities and reading/discussion topic. Creating new family traditions could be exciting. For ideas, check this blog entry: www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/july-12th-2018 Occasionally, the discussion time could be dedicated to resolving challenges between family members. Come up with your family’s own unique name for the weekly gathering if you like. Planning a family trip or summer vacation would be an excellent opportunity to discuss in order to get everyone’s input. Things that we schedule are more likely to happen and having a regular time both for logistics and for connection as a family will make parenting less stressful and more joyful. What will your next family meeting look like?  Family is the foundation of society. History confirms it and every nation is built on that foundation. But the many changes and advances that our world has seen over the past 70 years puts a great deal of stress on family life.
In the words of economic visionary Stan M. Davis, “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.” As parents, we need to reflect deeply on this and look at how we are prioritizing and leading our families in these changing times. I have come to believe that creating a space each week to invest in our families is key. Holding weekly family meetings is not a new idea, but it brings together several elements that can strengthen your family and help things run more smoothly. When I was a teacher as well as a part of my church’s youth ministry staff, we had regular meetings that were an integral part of the success of the programs. Every company, organization and non-profit rely on monthly or weekly meetings to make things function. Families need to create some order around work & school schedules, church activities, sports, music & dance lessons, doctor & dentist appointments, family vacations, summer jobs, household chores, volunteer projects and more. Meeting together once a week with a family calendar creates the necessary structure needed for harmonious living. In addition, family meetings enable everyone to be engaged in the process of building relationships, solving problems, creating connections and having fun. For many families, the first hurdle is simply making time. In our busy lives, we can feel that family time is just one more thing to juggle. But shouldn’t this be a worthy challenge for all of us to strive for? Oprah Winfrey said, “I know what you’re going to hear from people is ‘We don’t have the time.’ But if you don’t have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.” Whether you have never established a weekly family gathering or yours needs a little tweaking, I invite you to join me over the next few weeks as I guide you through some steps in making your family a priority. I agree with Stephen R. Covey when he says, “…I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it ‘family time,’ ‘family hour,’ ‘family council’ or ‘family night’…Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.”  A visitor to New York City was walking around the streets, enjoying the hustle and bustle. He noticed a new construction site and saw some workers near the sidewalk. Curious about what new building was going up, he approached the first construction worker and asked him what he was doing. Without looking up, he answered, “I’m laying bricks, isn’t it obvious?”
The man walked a little further and asked a second man the same question. The worker grunted, obviously in a foul mood and said, “I am just earning a day’s pay”. Since this wasn’t the answer the visitor was looking for, he persisted and approached the third man. He said, “Excuse me, I am really curious what you are building here.” The third man stopped working, wiped the sweat from his forehead and smiled. Then he looked skyward, and with a gleam in his eye, he responded, “I’m building a cathedral!” All three men were doing basically the same work. However, it was their perspectives that were different. The first man had a job. The second man had a career. The third man was able to see the big picture and how his personal effort was part of something bigger than himself. If we look at these three perspectives in the context of family life, it can help us examine the kind of culture that we are creating. We all have days when we can only see what is right in front of us. But as parents, we can help our children move beyond their own personal tasks to see the big picture. In fact, it is essential in creating synergy and unity in our families. Part of the key in building such a family culture stems from being able to communicate a clear vision of the big picture and how each family member contributes something valuable. We may get caught up in the daily bricklaying, but if we can envision the cathedral and move through our days with intention and passion, we move towards being a healthier, happier family. Stay tuned for an important tool that can support your family as you develop this kind of culture.  Some years ago, my parents decided it was time to start downsizing. While looking at the best way to pass on furniture, momentos and other significant items to myself and my siblings, my dad took photos and created a book with each item labeled with its significant history. Sending copies to each of us, our parents asked us to indicate which ones we were interested in.
The larger pieces went to my youngest sister because she lived the closest and could pick them up. But each of us had the opportunity to request items that held special significance and we received at least some of our top choices. I chose the cedar chest that had always been in my parents’ bedroom. In order to ship it from Virginia to California where I lived, my father built a crate that met the standards of the trucking company complete with a slot underneath for the forklift to load and unload it. There are many stories of siblings becoming embroiled in ugly inheritance battles when their parents pass away. The reading of a will can result in flaring tempers, siblings not speaking to each other and hurt feelings at a time that should be about reflecting on shared memories. Dr. Stephen R. Covey said, "Synergy is better than my way or your way. It's our way.” I am grateful that my parents practiced this while raising my siblings and I. Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. Within a family, it is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. I strove to bring this element into my own family whether it was planning a road trip or tackling a cleanup project. But it doesn't just happen on its own. It's a process that takes commitment, time and making it a priority. Synergy lets us discover things together that we are much less likely to discover by ourselves. It is the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three, or six, or sixty--you name it.  Imagine pulling into your driveway after a long, stressful day at work. Before getting out of your car and greeting your family, you take a few minutes. Closing your eyes, you take three deep breathes. Pushing your pause button to get perspective and reconnect to your family, you say to yourself, “My family is the most enjoyable and important part of my life. I’m going into my home to feel and communicate my love for them.” Getting out of your car, you walk into your house, kiss your spouse, hug your kids and help get dinner on the table. After dinner, you take out the garbage, talk to your son about his school project and listen to your daughter practice her reading. By doing this, you rise above the fatigue and challenges from the work day to express love and care.
M. Scott Peck said in The Road Less Traveled, “The desire to love is not itself love…Love is an act of will—namely an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We chose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.” The message that we get daily is that love is a feeling and relationships are disposable—from Disney stories to glorified Hollywood movies to top hit songs and in every area of advertising. It creates a false expectation about what love looks and feels like--that one just falls in and out of love and the relationship is focused on what I get out of it. Lasting love in our families takes commitment and involve us working through the bumps and rough patches. It is so easy to be reactive. Developing the capacity to pause when emotions are running high allows us to create a space between what happens and our response to it. And in that space, we can step back, reflect and act with wisdom instead of reacting with frustration or anger. As parents, we are called to model those characteristics that we want our children to inherit. So, pushing the pause button starts with us. It involves becoming more self-aware of my part in family interactions. If I am getting angry, I can simple say, “I am too upset to talk about this right now. I make better decisions when I am calm. Let’s talk about this later.” Any successful marriage and family talks work, effort and sacrifice. It takes knowing that love is a verb. What would implementing a pause button in your family relationships look like?  I play flute in a community band and it brings me a great deal of pleasure. From the time I was in 5th grade, I have enjoyed the challenge of improving my sound and technique and learning to play with others.
Any person with an instrument can make lovely music but it is in a group that true synergy happens. Playing in both small groups—trios and quartets—as well as large concert and jazz bands, I have come to appreciate the almost indescribable way that music can move us to tears, inspire us to higher virtues and transport us to somewhere beyond the present. Bruce Springsteen spoke about “those three minutes of perfection – when time stands still and the music just washes over you….” Of course, getting to this point represents a lot of perseverance and hard work behind the scenes. Reflecting on what I have learned from my fifty years of playing my flute, I was struck by a few key lessons.
 Peers, TV shows, movies, magazines … With so many external pressures facing kids at younger and younger ages, parents often wonder:
There is hope. Using the following tips, parents can have a much stronger influence than any friend or TV commercial: Tip #1: Instead of telling your kids how to live, show them. Wise parents commit lots of honest, respectful, kind, and responsible acts in front of their kids. Simply stated, actions speak louder than words. The next time another driver cuts you off or someone in your neighborhood needs help, treat the situation as an important opportunity to show your children how responsible, caring adults act. Tip #2: Talk about your values when they’re eavesdropping. What we say in front of our kids is more important than what we say to them. When you do something great, talk about it within earshot of your kids. For example, when your child is sitting nearby, you might say to your spouse, “Honey, the clerk at the store gave me ten dollars too much in change. I could have kept it, but I gave it back. I always feel better when I do the right thing!” Tip #3: Teach character and responsibility with empathy and consequences At Love and Logic Institute, we’ve found the most effective parents allow children to make mistakes in safe situations. Kids develop character and positive values when they learn that poor decisions result in uncomfortable consequences. Parents who deliver consequences with anger raise kids who spend their lives feeling angry and who reject their parents’ values. If those same parents replace anger with empathy, their children begin to see them as caring and recognize their values are important. For many decades, Love and Logic has helped parents with these life-changing tips. One very grateful parent wrote, “As a teenager, our daughter got caught shoplifting. We were mortified! When this happened, we turned to Love and Logic. With lots of empathy instead of anger, we held her responsible for hiring her own lawyer and paying the court costs. That was fifteen years ago, and she’s grown to be a wonderful, responsible young Woman. On her thirtieth birthday, she even thanked us for being so strict!” Give Love and Logic a try and join thousands of parents who have discovered easy and effective ways to improve their relationships with their kids and teach positive family values. www.loveandlogic.com  Parenting is tricky business. For the first twenty or so years of your child's life, your job is to teach and guide him or her. Often, we give our children unsolicited advice or even override their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. We must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.
"Parents have such a hard time letting go of their control," says Dr. Jennifer Freed, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family counselor. “It's not that parents are trying to butt in because they think their child is incapable; it's because they're concerned about their child's welfare and think they can help by sharing their experiences.” The reality is that our concern often doesn't come across this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as a child. And everyone needs to make their own mistakes and learn from them – that is a necessary part of a the ongoing growth process. So how do we help guide our grown kids without coming across as a bossy or nagging? To begin with, we need to learn to treat our child more like an adult friend instead of a kid. Lowering our expectations on how often they call us, biting our tongues when we want to give them advice, and being careful about rescuing them from their mistakes are all important. Remember, you raised them for this. You raised them to be adults, to embrace the world, to take risks, to be themselves and to be who God designed them to be. They’ll explore and make mistakes just like you did. To further explore, discuss and learn ways to support and relate to your adult children, sign up for my free webinar—Now That They’ve Grown, Loving and Parenting Adult Children--on Monday, March 4 at 9 pm EST here: Webinars  Manners Matter: Four Easy Ways to Teach Kids How to Behave
By Dr. Charles Fay loveandlogic.com In all parts of their lives, children with great manners have a powerful advantage over those who do not. They make friends easier, get along better with their teachers, and eventually make much better employees and spouses. Here are four techniques that will give your child this life-long gift: Tip No. 1: Make a list. Sit down with your kids and make a list of the specific behaviors polite people display. Have fun with this activity. Your written list might look something like: • Say “please” and “thank you” • Eat with their mouths closed • Burp in the privacy of their own rooms • Say “excuse me” • Hold doors open for people Tip No. 2: Model these manners. Children learn much more from our actions than from our words. Tip No. 3: Provide kids what they want only when they use manners. When parents use Love and Logic, they don’t waste their breath lecturing about good manners. Instead, they very politely refuse to provide what their kids want unless they hear a sweet “please” or “thank you” and see the other behaviors on their “manner list.” For this to work, parents must respond to requests with polite sadness instead of anger or sarcasm. For example, a parent might say in a sad tone of voice, “This is such a bummer. We can’t go to the movies today because you need more practice with manners first.” A parent who sets this limit, avoids anger or sarcasm, and holds firm by staying home will see a very upset child in the short-term and a much happier, more responsible one in the long-term. Tip No. 4: Expect them to repay you for any embarrassment they cause. If your child continues to be rude, he or she may need to repay you for the embarrassment or inconvenience created. With genuine empathy and sadness, a parent might say, “How sad! Your rudeness at Aunt Mary’s house really drained the energy out of me. I’ve been too tired to clean the bathrooms. When you get them done, I’m sure I’ll feel a whole lot better.” If the child refuses or forgets to do the chore, wise parents don’t lecture or threaten. Instead, they quietly allow their child to “pay” for their bad manners with one of their favorite toys. Thousands of parents have transformed manner monsters into polite kids who are a pleasure to be around. At one Love and Logic seminar, a parent commented, “When I used these tips, my boys almost immediately started to shape up. They even warned one of their rather rude friends who was visiting: ‘Better stop burping... Our mom’s gonna make you do chores.’” Give these Love and Logic tips a try, and see how much fun parenting can be!  Dr. Brene Brown--professor, author, and speaker said after sixteen years of research, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives…Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued: when they can give and receive without judgement.”
Intuitively, we already sense what we need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy. We see evidences of it in the unifying theme of most literature, movies, magazines, and even our commercial advertisements. More than anything else, what we all need is love, relationship and connection. Scientific studies have demonstrated that from early childhood our brains are molded by love and connection. Without it, infants literally die, even though their basic needs are met. Later in life, those lacking connection experience higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, depression, accidents, addictions and suicide. As parents, our connection and relationship with our children are the building blocks for their future relationships. Connection is key! Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us. Plus, strong family connection supports more cooperation and harmony in the home. This can be a lot of pressure for parents juggling work, school, family, and competing with extra-curricular activities and all media devices. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, establishing family traditions and weekend outings. For more ideas to get you started, click here: www.aha-now.com/creating-family-connections/ |