(Adapted from Love and Logic Parenting) www.loveandlogic.com/
This parent commands and directs the lives of children through the following methods:
1. Provides messages of low personal worth and resistance
2. Makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility
3. Tells the child how he/she should handle responsibility
4. Tells the child how he/she should feel
5. Provides absolutes: “This is the decision you should make!”
6. Demands that jobs or responsibilities be done now
7. Issues orders and threats: “You get that room cleaned up or else…”
8. Takes over the ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem
9. Uses lots of harsh words and very few actions
10. Uses punishment, pain and humiliation to serve as the teacher
This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live through the following methods:
1. Provides messages of weakness and low personal worth
2. Makes excuses for the child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities
3. “Takes on” the responsibility of the child
4. Protects the child from any possible negative feelings
5. Makes decisions for the child
6. Provides no structure, but complains, “After all I’ve done for you…”
7. Whines and uses guilt: “When are you ever going to learn. I always have to clean up after you.”
8. Complains about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” much work and responsibility
9. Uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is not capable or responsible
10. Protects child from natural consequences and uses guilt as the teacher
The consultant parent provides guidance and consultant services for children by:
1. Providing messages of personal worth and strength
2. Seldom mentioning responsibilities
3. Demonstrating how to take care of one’s self and be responsible
4. Sharing personal feelings about own performance and responsibilities
5. Providing and helping the child explore alternatives and then allowing the child to make his/her own decision
6. Providing “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities
7. Modeling doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it
8. Asking one’s self, “Who owns the problem?” and helping the child explore solutions to his/her problem
9. Using lots of actions, but very few words
10. Allowing the child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher
God gave all of us free will and that includes the opportunity to mess up. Failure and Success are two sides of the same coin. Drill sergeant and helicopter parents take away the opportunity for children to make choices and to learn from their mistakes. We increase the odds of raising resilient individuals by guiding our children with lots of empathy and natural consequences.
For more on this, see my earlier blog: https://www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/archives/09-2018
Check out my new four-week parenting series “Mission Possible: Raising Resilient, Responsible, Respectful and Fun-To-Be-With Kids” to support you as you parent your children. coachmyrna-webinars
Have you ever disappointed someone you love dearly, someone who believed in you? That feeling can be crushing. The closer we feel to another person, the more devastated we are when we do something that they disapprove of. When relationships are damaged, it takes a lot of investment to repair them.
As parents, we need to realize that loving relationships give consequences their power. Consequences are opportunities for our children to learn from mistakes if we remember to keep our relationships intact by putting empathy first. For parents who get pulled into endless arguments, that becomes the focus of their relationships with their kids.
I think we can all agree that arguing with our children is not a good thing. Fighting, arguing, and lecturing causes us to move from the frontal cortex part of our brain where thinking, reasoning and impulse-control happen to the brain stem which is responsible for basic survival and the “fight-or-flight” response. When we or our children are in “fight-or-flight” mode, understanding, reasoning and connection get buried beneath angry words and feelings.
Empathy allows children to learn from their mistakes. Anger short circuits learning. Sarcasm backfires every time, sincere empathy works wonders. It allows the parent to remain the “good guy” and the poor choice to be the “bad guy.” Empathy prevents fight-or-flight & maintains lifelong loving relationships!
One tip that I love to teach parents to avoid arguing and keep the relationship connection comes from Love and Logic Parenting. It is a two-step process:
Focusing on the connection creates a living thread between us and our children, and these threads weave a powerful bond that fills them with a genuine and lasting happiness. When we unconditionally care about our children’s happiness, they feel a powerful connection to us. They feel whole, safe and included in our lives.
Check out my new four-week parenting series “Mission Possible: Raising Resilient, Responsible, Respectful and Fun-To-Be-With Kids” to support you in creating stronger connection as you parent your children. coachmyrna-webinars
The world that parents are raising children in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty-to-thirty years. People are living longer which means that grandparents can be more a part of their grandchildren’s lives.
We see a large increase of three and four generation families. Yet, we are a global community and often live far from our extended family. Most often, both parents work outside of the home. There are many children being raised by single parents and by grandparents.
Technology has changed our world forever. Children and youth today do not know a world without cellphones and tablets. Communication is instantaneous and we can connect with those halfway around the globe.
Among all those advances and changes, the fact is that family is important and is the most basic social unit. It has been said that family is the only institution created by God. I believe that regardless of all the technological and societal advances, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their growing children.
I would like to ask you to think for a moment about your goals in raising your children. For many parents, one of their goals is to teach them to obey. However, I would propose that having this at the most important goal is an inferior one because it creates a family culture based on rules and compliance instead of relationship, choice, freedom and love.
Parenting is an inside job. We guide our children through our relationship with them. Through our connection with our children, we build trust, respect and love. This allows them to make choices, learn from their mistakes and develop their own moral compass. As parents, when we remain calm and ask guiding questions to help our child sort out problems and emotions, our relationship is strengthened and the poor choice remains “the bad guy.”
Brene Brown said, “Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and values; when they can give and receive judgment.” As we parent our children, we are creating the inner workings of our future adult children. Connection is key. Relationship is the heart of the matter!
Check out my new four-week parenting series “Mission Possible: Raising Resilient, Responsibility, Respectful and Fun-To-Be-With Kids” to support you in creating connection as you parent your children. coachmyrna-webinars
Reprinted from a Face Book post by Leah Carroll
To the mom of three at Chick-Fil-A: I sensed your panic when your five year old son pointed at my son in his wheelchair and shouted "Mom look at THAT boy!" You leaned forward and quietly told him and his three year old brother that we don't say things like that and they shouldn't point or stare.
But as in most cases, these suggestions are futile with young, curious minds and they continued to stare and loudly ask questions about my son's differences. When you realized your whispers weren't working I saw the panic disappear and you took a deep breath and took a step of courage.
You brought your boys over to Malachi and said "I bet he would like to know your names!". As they said their names my little Malachi started grinning from ear to ear and jabbering back to them. The joy on his face brought tears to my eyes- he loves kids his age but so many are fearful to come and speak to him. Your boys continued to ask questions about his foot braces, his wheelchair, why his legs don't work, why he holds his mouth open like that.
You took the time to educate your sons in that moment and help them understand that different is okay. Different is not something to fear. And that it was okay to ask questions!
Thank you for giving my son a chance to meet your kids. Thank you for being the type of mom who educates your children instead of frantically trying to silence them. Special needs moms have to develop tough skin- we get used to stares, comments, and whispers.
Please know it takes a lot to offend us, particularly when the comments are coming from young children. Give your kids the same grace we give them and use the opportunity to teach them about differences.
So Chick-Fil-A mom, thank you for raising your children to embrace children like Malachi. And thank you for giving my son something to smile about.
UPDATE: After this post went viral the Chick-Fil-a Mom reached out and Malachi reconnected with his new friends. We still meet up for play dates and she and I have become very close friends. Chick-Fil-a did a follow up video of our reunion that can be found here: youtu.be/_FqXgxnfzd4
"Meltdowns are terrible, nasty things, but they're a fact of childhood," says Ray Levy, PhD, a Dallas-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies That Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation. "Young kids—namely those between the ages of 1 and 4—haven't developed good coping skills yet. They tend to just lose it instead."
What is it that sets off a tantrum? Basically, every single tantrum results from one simple fact: the child isn’t getting what he or she wants. For children between 1 and 2, tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need—more milk, a diaper change, that toy over there—but not having the language skills to do it. For older toddlers, tantrums are more of a power struggle. "By the time kids are 3 or 4, they have grown more autonomous. They're keenly aware of their needs and desires—and want to assert them more. If you don't comply? Tantrum city” says Levy.
When your kid's in the middle of a tantrum, it can be tough to keep yourself from having your own meltdown as well. Author, psychologist and trusted guest expert Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore says that a parent’s response to tantrums has a big impact on whether they continue or not. “If you pay attention to tantrums, they are going to happen more often. If you get angry in response to tantrums, they are going to escalate.”
So, as a parent, what can you do?
One of the biggest challenges as parents is managing our own emotions when our children do unexpected, even "awful" things. Looking back, I realize that it was often in these very moments that I learned to be present to my children without trying to fix, manage or organize anything. My mantra became "This too shall pass." and "I am enough."
Children need to figure out themselves in relationship to the world and we are their guides, their support and their teachers. The most important thing is that we find ways to take good care of ourselves, learn how to stay as calm as possible, forgive ourselves when we get upset or lose it and reach out to others (spouse, friends, family, a coach) to get the support we need.
Check out my new four-week parenting series “Mission Possible: Raising Resilient, Responsibility, Respectful and Fun-To-Be-With Kids” to support you as you parent your children. Webinars
In the book, “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul,” Dr. Stuart Brown explains that play is anything but trivial. It is a biological drive as integral to our health as sleep or nutrition. We are designed by nature to flourish through play.
Play explains why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve and more. Particularly in tough times, we need to play more than ever, as it's the very means by which we prepare for the unexpected, search out new solutions, and remain optimistic. In fact, play just might be the most important work we can ever do.
One point that Brown makes again and again is that true play requires a person to let go of pride and self-consciousness. A game of Twister would be horrible if everybody were concerned about what others thought of them. In short, play requires humility. Developing a humble spirit around others allows one to truly play with others- and since play is that which fosters creativity, a culture where humility is the rule is a far healthier culture, economically and socially.
Play is the cornerstone of happiness and being a parent allows the opportunity to play without getting weird looks when we let our silly sides to show.
So, what is on your family’s play list? What fun do you have planned in the coming summer months that can engage the whole family? If your family play list needs some work, use the next family-meeting to discuss this topic. Have each member of the family answer the following three questions:
By Dr. Charles Fay www.loveandlogic.com
What do parents do when their children become truthfulness-challenged? If many adults in today's world suffer from Honesty Deficit Disorder, who are we to think that our offspring will always be immune? The good news is that conscientious parents can turn the tide on truth-bending behavior by applying the Three E's of Love and Logic.
The First "E" of Love and Logic: Example
Obviously, parents who act truthfully around their kids are far more likely to have kids who tell the truth. A not-so-obvious application of good modeling involves discussing our moral dilemmas with other adults when our children are within earshot. When our children overhear us talking about temptations… and how we've chosen truthfulness instead of deceit… powerful lessons get locked in.
The Second "E" of Love and Logic: Experience
When children lie, they need to experience logical consequences. One of the most practical involves expecting them to replace any energy they've drained from us as a result of their fibbing. Does lying drain your parental energy?
The Third "E" of Love and Logic: Empathy
Those who understand the Love and Logic approach understand that consequences preceded with empathy are far more effective than consequences delivered with anger, guilt, or sarcasm. An added benefit of responding to our children's mistakes with empathy is that they'll be far more likely to admit making them. Do you want your children to be afraid of you when they blunder? Do you want them to hide their mistakes rather than bringing them to your attention? Of course you don't! That's why it's so important to discipline with love rather than lectures.
As a child, Mondays were special days because it meant pancakes for breakfast made by my dad. Working as hospital chaplain and the pastor of a Mennonite congregation kept my father quite busy. Mondays were his days off and he developed a whole wheat flour recipe that he mixed up for us the first school day of each week.
Served with butter and warmed syrup, we enjoyed this weekly treat and it became part of our family tradition. And if there were some left over, we might have them that evening with some vanilla ice cream sandwiched inside. As adults, my siblings and I would often request pancakes for breakfast when we visited.
As we are approaching Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the influence of my father on my life. Every summer, my dad helped my mom pack us in the car for a day trip to the Oregon coast or a camping trip to Honeyman State Park where we collected sticks and sea shells, built sandcastles and rode the dune buggy on the Oregon Dunes. My dad helped me appreciate the wonders of nature.
Later when we moved to Kansas, we spent several summers in the Ozarks. I remember once, we were expecting to hear some local musicians perform on the courthouse steps. However, when we arrived at the empty town square, it became clear that we had outdated information.
My dad asked around and eventually found some local musicians gathering nearby to play for their own entertainment. Being an awkward teenager, I am pretty sure I was lobbying for going straight back to our campsite. But soon we found ourselves seated in some battered folding chairs enjoying the music from a dulcimer, some fiddles, a banjo, a few guitars, a hammered dulcimer and even a couple of cloggers (a type of folk dance.),
On one of our visits to the Arkansas Ozarks, my dad inquired about how to make a dulcimer and before we headed home, he had purchased plans to build one. I am the proud owner of one of his ‘limited editions.’ From my dad, I learned the importance of curiosity and not letting shyness get in the way of experiencing life.
From the very beginning of my life, I was influenced by the lifestyle choices of both my father and mother. I was born in Mathis, a small Texas town near Corpus Christi in a maternity hospital built by volunteers from the Mennonite Church. As the directors of the program, my parents provided leadership, support and meals eaten around a ping pong table.
Through the Mennonite Voluntary Service unit, the local community benefited from having access to the maternity hospital, a kindergarten to help children learn English before starting elementary school, cooking & basketball after school clubs, adult education and more. MVS, started in 1944 as a practical peaceful alternative to serving in the military, continues until today as a way for volunteers make a 1-2 year commitment to make a difference.
I find the words of American writer Clarence Budington Kelland sum up well what I learned from watching my dad, Millard E. Osborne. “My father didn’t tell me how to live life; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”
Thanks, Dad and Happy Father’s Day.
According to the most recent market research to sharpen your brain, we should be taking fish oil supplements, use turmeric, do exercise and puzzle books and invest in a language course. But SURPRISE—the easiest, cheapest and most time-tested method is…READING!
It’s summer and any teacher will tell you that summer reading is critical for students to retain knowledge and skills learned in the previous school year. Students who don't read are at risk of falling behind their classmates. Parents and teachers can avoid this by making sure kids take time to read. Suggestions on how to help this to happen in your home to follow.
The very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better. “Typically, when you read, you have more time to think,” says Maryanne Wolf, EDD, director of the UCLA Center for Dyslexia, Diverse Learners, and Social Justice. “Reading gives you a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. By and large, with oral language— when you watch a film or listen to a tape—you don’t press pause.”
What if you are (or someone you know is) a poor, or even a dyslexic, reader who feels as if you’ll never be able to read enough to reap these benefits? A book can fix that problem too! Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University studied children ages eight to ten who were below-average readers. One hundred hours of remedial reading classes significantly improved the quality of their brains’ white matter—the tissue that carries signals between areas of gray matter, where information is processed. The researchers’ conclusion: The brains of these children had begun to rewire themselves in ways that could benefit the entire brain, not only the reading-centric temporal cortex. (Reader’s Digest, March 2019)
So, what can you do as a parent to encourage reading in your home?
“Reading fiction not only develops our imagination and creativity, it gives us the skills
to be alone. It gives us the ability to feel empathy for people we've never met, living
lives we couldn't possibly experience for ourselves, because the book puts us inside
the character's skin.” Ann Patchett
Connection is Key: Kids are wired to be attached to their caregivers. They want to be noticed, listened to, understood, and supported. When this connection is strong, kids are more likely to listen and comply with less resistance. Look for opportunities to connect with each child daily — playing, reading, running around the yard, or take time to listen, observe, and be quiet together. Relationship is the heart of the matter.
Kids are Immature: They are going to be forgetful, impulsive, messy, and silly. The ability to make a good choice over a not-so-good choice takes time. There’s nothing you can do to rush this process. In the meantime, focus on guiding them as they learn how to handle tricky situations, giving them grace when they mess up, and letting them try again. Mistakes = learning opportunities!
Don’t Fear the Meltdown: Big emotions cause parents to shift into panic mode, which usually leads to yelling, giving consequences that don’t make sense, or giving up entirely. Meltdowns are a normal part of life with kids, unfortunately. Focus on being the calm, confident, supportive parent your child needs. If you find yourself having a meltdown of your own, stop, take a deep breath (or a break), and get your own emotions in check. As a parent, strive to model the kind of behavior that you want your child to inherit!
Trust Your Gut: Social media, parents at the bus stop, and even family members can give you a long list of things your child “should” be doing. Remember, you are the expert on your child. If you think your child needs additional support to thrive, seek help. Otherwise, embrace your child’s unique personality, needs, strengths, and growth areas as they develop at their own pace. Mom, Dad—you’ve got this!
Your Own Stuff Matters: There’s a reason you’re getting upset, giving in, or over-reacting. Learning about your triggers and understanding why some things bother you more than others is an important part of parenting. Sometimes you can work through these challenges on your own, but sometimes you need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional…and that’s ok. Parenting and grandparenting is the opportunity to re-parent yourself!
As a parent coach, it would be my honor to support you on your journey of parenting. A parent coach is a trained and certified professional who helps you achieve your goals in creating a fulfilling family life and cultivating a better relationship with your children. Addressing issues such as problems with routines and transitions (morning and night, for example), power struggles, parental anger, discipline, homework challenges, chores, and “disrespectful” behavior, I give customized support, tools and advice based on your family's needs.
Whether on the phone, in-person, or over Zoom, I work with you to clarify what you want to accomplish, set specific goals, make an effective action plan and help hold you accountable for making progress toward meeting your goals. To find out more, visit my website and make an appointment for a complimentary Clarity Coaching Session Parent Coaching.