The Stage of Identity covers the ages from 3 to 4 years old and this child is seeking answers to the question, “Who am I in relationship to others and the world?” As with the Stage of Exploration  www.coachmyrna.org/blog/stage-of-exploration-18-months-to-3-years,  this comes on the foundation of a strong attachment to the parent. Your child wants to know that you are nearby but there is a strong need to explore the world. They are embarking on the journey to become their own distinct self. “I am discovering that I can be me and keep my connection with you at the same time.”

It is important to recognize that they are trying on identities now which are not forecasting what they will be in the future. Examples of this are when your son wants to wear dress-up clothes—frilly dress and high heels. Or your young daughter wants to wear hardhat and obsessed with forklifts and backhoes. These are just examples of experimenting and discovering like when they announce that today they are a fairy princess, spiderman, or another superhero.

What parents need to know about this stage:

• Parent needs to acknowledge, validate, and mirror what the child is exploring right now. Say things like, “Oh, I see we have a visit from Batman or a beautiful princess today." This age child is a quick change artist, trying on different roles but always seeking the parent's approval.
• There is still need for safety boundaries and stepping to support when needed.. When we do this consistently, the effect carries over when we are not there.
• Three- and four-year-olds needs space to explore. As parents, we need to not take their distancing too personal; it is part of the stage and we need to be available when needed.
• Look for teaching opportunities that are supportive and encouraging, not punitive. Parents are the first great moral teachers.
• Say things like, “It’s ok that you are mad but it is not ok to bite your sibling/others.” Or “I see that you wanted that toy, didn’t you? Sometimes I want something that someone else has but I cannot just take it from them. How about if you ask ‘May I have a turn after you?”
• If the parent has intense negative reactions to the child’s expressions or behavior, it is important to explore your own wounding and need for healing. Children are excellent at pushing our buttons and bringing things to the surface that we may have forgotten or want to keep hidden. I like to think that when something surfaces in myself, it is something being uncovered or revealed that I need to pay attention to. It is an opportunity to be awakened to my own need for healing and my child is helping me to pay attention to it.

An excellent tool that works well with this age child is Share the Control:

• Control is a basic human need; it is like love. As parents, we can learn to give it away as much as possible by giving choices. The more we give away, the more we get back in cooperation.
• There are only a few basic guidelines: 1) Never give a choice that you don’t like/doesn’t fit your value system, 2) Give only two options and 3) the child has 10-20 seconds to decide--if they don’t’ choose, you decide.
• Every choice you give becomes a “deposit” into your child’s sense of healthy control. Even when the choices seem small or a bit silly, they can be very powerful for a child.
• The more choices parents give, the better chance of having cooperative kids.
• When necessary, the parent can say, “Didn’t I give you a lot of choices today? This time, it’s my turn to decide. Thanks for understanding.”
• Examples:
  • ​Would you like milk or juice for breakfast?
  • Are you going to wear your red shirt or your green shirt?
  • Are you going to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?
  • Would you like carrots or peas for your vegetable?
  • Bedtime is in 15 minutes. Do you want a story before bed or no story tonight?
  • Do you want to carry your jacket or wear it?
  • Will you put your shoes on yourself or would you like my help?

With a secure attachment and connection to parents, the child’s energy turns to exploring the world around them. This stage is all about answering the questions, “Who are you?” and “What is this?” An important developmental part of this stage is learning that they are a distinct being, separate from their parents. 

The ability for the child to take this step is rooted in the strong bond the child has already established with their parents. Throughout our lives, connection and attachment are essential elements for happiness. We never outgrow the need to belong.

Many label this stage as "the terrible twos" and sometimes parents see it as the age of aggression or the era of NO! For the young child, this is an essential stage to establish themselves and their own power. Child begins a love affair with the world, emerging from the protective parents’ cocoon  eager to explore and discover all that is around them. 

It is a time of balance for the parent--letting them go but not too much. Boundaries need to be set, both to protect the child from any physical harm and to increase the comfort of the parent. As with any stage, if the parent finds that they have a strong react to their child's compulsion to explore, it may be that they have some wounding around their own exploration stage and now, have the opportunity to discover and healing along with their child.
​
What the child needs:

• Parents need to begin letting go but not too much—allow exploration within safety
• They need boundaries that protect the child (and support the parents’ feelings of them being safe)
• This is a time of pushing away from the parent but still wanting them nearby-presence.
• They need encouragement, presence but opportunities to explore and discover.
• As a preschool and kindergarten teacher, I often had to help parents understand that young child need to be allowed to get dirty--exploring the outdoors, mud, fingerpainting and more. This exploration is much more important that keeping clean and looking tidy.

​
​If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.

Newborns give their parents a gift--the opportunity to give unconditionally. This experience is transforming, and we are able to put aside our own needs for the sake of our child. We can grow beyond our own self-involvement and self-centeredness. Babies come packaged in a way to invite us to protect and nurture them. They are in the process of self-creation and parents have the opportunity to be co-creators and partners with them as they develop their brain, senses and discover the world.

During this one and one-half years, the most important thing that the parent can do for their child is to be reliably available and embracing. This means to meet their physical needs--keeping them warm, dry, fed and safe. It also means to meet the emotional needs of the child. The parent speaks in a soft, comforting voice, smiles a lot and communicates to the child that they are do not need to be afraid--they are in the presence of a safe, nurturing person.

What parents need to know about the attachment stage:

• Their child is totally dependent on them, the parents or caregivers.
• They need parents who are reliably available, present and loving.
• Their survival depends on parent to provide safety and support.
• Parents need to structure the environment, so it is safe and teach their young child what is unsafe (knives, fire, the street, etc.) as well as that others in the environment deserve respect (parent, sibling, pet.)​

It is during these important first stage of attachment that the trust cycle is established (see the diagram below.) The child expresses a basic need by crying or fussing. The need of being feed, changed, burped or held is fulfilled by the parent. When this happens consistently, over and over again, trust is established.

When we understand the significance that this process of attachment and the establishment of trust has on who the child will become, we are awakened to being conscious parents. We can be profoundly moved by our role in this. It can also feel overwhelming, causing us to feel inadequate at times. It is important to have the support of family members and friends and ask for their help.

If you find yourself reacting strongly to your child's dependence on you, you may have been wounded yourself at this stage--not receiving the support and care that you needed. All parents are challenged with their children at the stages in parenting when they were wounded themselves. Instead of being overcome with stress or frustration, we can see this as another gift our child has given us--the chance to be awakened to the need of our own healing.

If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.

A musician was approached by a fifty-year old man, asking him if he could teach him to play the trombone. The musician replied, "Sure." Then the man asked, "How long will it take?" and the musician replied that he could teach almost anyone to play in five years’ time. Startled, the man replied that he would be fifty-five years old by then. The musician replied, “Yes, you will. And how old will you be in five years if you don’t learn how to play the trombone?"

If we apply this to our role as parents, it can seem like a long journey to become the kind of parent that we want to be and that our children deserve. The reality is we cannot change what we haven't done or what we regret about our parenting choices from yesterday or last year. We cannot change the past but we can take all that we have discovered and impact the future with our children and grandchildren.

During Covid, when I was writing my book, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak spoke of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.

Deepak shared an analogy:
Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book.

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child.

I like the definition of parenthood that I read recently: A sacred relationship that can preserve the wholeness of the child and heal the childhood wounds of the parents. If we look at the emotions that children evoke in us as awakenings or uncovering things that I need to pay attention to, this gives me an opportunity to recognize and begin to address things that I probably already had a hint about. This allows me to see what is lurking in the shadow part of me.

I have a choice. I can choose to let it overtake me and ruin my next patch of life, or I can choose to look at it straight on and see it with all its fear, untruths, and destabilizing qualities. I can let it remind me that I have work to do, we can reframe, rename, and redefine how we experience our own healing as we love and attend to our children.

Over the next weeks. I will be discussing the various stages of development that children grow through and what they need from us as their parents:

• Stage of Attachment--birth to 18 months
• Stage of Exploration--18 months to 3 years
• Stage of Identity--3-4 years
• Stage of Competence--4-7 years
• Stage of Concern--7-12 years
• Stage of Intimacy--12-18 years
• Stage of Independence--18 + years

Regardless of their age, the most important thing that our children and grandchildren need is a connection of heart and relationship with us as well as seeing that we are continuing to learn and grow in our relationship with them. I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. No matter what mistakes we made in the past, begin anew today.

If you would like some support in your parenting, check out the next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2: 7 Gifts Webinar.