​The world we live in and raise our children and support our grandchildren in is one filled with noise, distractions, and devices. This creates unique challenges in nurturing meaningful connections, especially with the younger generation.   It requires intentionality, curiosity, and presence. I ran across an article that underscores how asking open-ended questions can transcend mere small talk and explore topics that ignite curiosity and encourage self-expression in children. 

This insightful piece delves into the art of fostering deeper bonds with children and grandchildren through the simple yet profound act of asking great questions. Some of the suggested questions are:

• What is something about you that is unique?
• What makes somebody a good friend?
• What do you think is the most important rule for people to follow?
• What is something kind that someone has done for you?
• What is your favorite thing about yourself?
• If you could ask God a question, what would you say? 

​The author, Marie Holmes, is the parenting reporter at HuffPost. She says, "More important than the question that gets them talking is how well you listen once you get them started." Read the whole article and see all fifty questions here:
www.huffpost.com/entry/great-questions-grandchildren_l_6616a4a8e4b02edf2008d53d

Want to improve your family's communication? Print out this list of conversation starters, cut them into strips, fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children or grandchildren.) Over dinner, at a family meeting or on a car ride have someone pull out one of the questions. Everyone can answer the same question or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start talking.
tinyurl.com/conversation-starters

Many cultures have celebrations for the rites of passage from childhood to adulthood. The Jewish tradition has coming of age ceremony of bar or bat mitzvah. For Hispanic girls, at age 15, the quinceanera marks the transition from childhood to being a woman. Growing up in the Mennonite church, I made the decision at age 14, with my parents' guidance and support, to be baptized as a member of the church and a follower of Jesus. On a family level, we too can be part of honoring and affirming our children's growth and development at different stages.

When kids are younger, it may be easier to celebrate with them when they move from elementary to middle and high school, get a driver's license, enter puberty, or get their first job. We may give them a gift, host a party, and maybe include a ceremony as part of the celebration.

I am a firm believer in connecting new levels of privileges to being responsible. This assures that they can handle the challenges as well as knowing when to ask for help. For example, completing their chores without reminders, waking up on time on their own, and displaying respect, honesty and self-control in their relationships demonstrates they can be responsible with a new cell phone, later curfew, getting a driver's license and using the family car. I recommend a teen cell phone contract that encourages accountabiity with this new priviledge. It can be adapted for other areas of new responsibility. joshshipp.com/teen-cell-phone-contract/

Guiding your child to develop new levels of responsibility may involve conversations, spelling out expectations, making a written contact with a time period and helping them gain the new skills needed (i.e., taking care of the family car, have more chores around the house the include shopping, preparing meals, making a budget, etc.) Of course, it is important to acknowledge and celebrate any new accomplishments.

I read about one family who celebrated their son's 18th birthday by not only inviting his friends but also people who had been important in supporting his journey. The family asked these people to prepare some wisdom or advice to share with him at the party. It was a moving and powerful evening of fun, celebration and blessing for all who attended.

If your children are already adults and you feel that you wish you had done more to celebrate their rites of passages, Jim Burns, author of "Doing Life With Your Adult Children" says it isn't too late. Here a few transitional times that he suggests you might use as an opportunity to celebrate.​

• Starting college
• Taking a gap year to volunteer 
• College graduation or completion of trade school
• Military enlistment
• First full-time job
• Job promotion or change
• Marriage
• Birth of a baby
• Buying a first home
• Special occasions with grandchildren, such as baptisms, dedications, and spiritual commitments. As a grandparent, you can make such rites of passage meaningful for your adult children as well as your grandchildren.

​​

As a parent or grandparent, it is easy to see the mistakes that we have made: losing our temper,  being late to pick up our kid afterschool, burning the dinner, forgetting an adult child's birthday, saying something mean in the heat of the moment that we cannot easily take back, missing a drama or orchestra performance because of work, and so many more. 

I was challenged by my pastor in a recent sermon to claim my victories of the past year because if I don't, I can lose perspective of the growth and the areas in which I have made progress. In addition, we were encouraged to think of ten challenges considering what I learned through them. As the first blog post of 2023, this is a worthy exercise for each of us to undertake.

To make a list of your victories of 2022, start small. When I asked my husband about this task, he said, "First of all, I woke up every morning." That is indeed something to be grateful and to claim that I am still here, on this journey of life. One of my goals this past year was to continue to educate myself by reading and when I looked back, I realized I can claim the goal of reading at least one book per month. I also claim as a victory that my husband and I traveled 5+ hours every month to spend time with my 90-year parents. I have to say that listening to books on Audible on our car ride helped me achieve the victory of one book a month.

Your victories might include having a meal together as a family at least three or more times every week. Maybe it has to do with a new friendship that you are building or a relationship that you have begun to heal. Did you start any new projects or find service opportunities? Did you walk or exercise consistently? Perhaps, you found a unique way to connect with and celebrate the relationship with your spouse, child, or grandchild. I know a grandfather who communicates with his teenage grandson by texting and sending each other jokes that tickle their unique sense of humor. 

How about the challenges that you faced? Did you discover that you are stronger than you thought? Did your capacity to find joy in small victories increase? Some of the things that I discovered through my challenges are:

• Being humble and listening more than speaking is a crucial step in being authentic.
• Practicing mindfulness and being present to those I care about opens me up to new possibilities.
• Admitting that I was wrong or that I made a mistake is easier than I thought.
• Learning from my mistakes and asking for help builds connection with others.

I offer you the opportunity to look back on 2022 if you haven't already to claim your victories and contemplate what you learned from your challenges. 


​

Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.

In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school.

The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.”

There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:

• Model it. If you love what you do, let others know. Wear your passion on your sleeve. When you fail, openly share your frustration, but go out of your way to point out what you learned from the experience. Emphasize playing the long game—life is a marathon, not a sprint.
• Celebrate it. When you see grit, draw attention to it: “Your work this past quarter has demonstrated enormous dedication. I know it wasn’t always easy.” Praise passion: “You’re so into this! That’s just awesome!”
• Enable it. The paradox of grit is that the steely determination of individuals is made possible by the warmth and support of friends, families, teachers, and mentors. Don’t let people you love quit on a difficult day.

If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and  consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child

More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.

It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. 

Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart.

Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak.

The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion.

Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands.

There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative. 

A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”

This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. 

Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.

Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process.

As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. 

With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation.

You are giving a lecture when:

• You do most of the talking
• Your voice is raised
• You sound a little preachy
• You sound like you are speaking to a child
• Your statements make you sound superior​

You know you are having a conversation when:

• You are listening to and reflecting on what the other person says​
• You engage in a dialogue
• Your tone and demeanor show respect
• Your language is free from "you should" statements
• You have been given permission to speak into the other person's life

 ​On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.

Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city.

When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project.

Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow.

Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future:     www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

A few years ago, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.

Deepak shares an analogy:  Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book. 

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child. 

In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.”
 
When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory.

Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go!

Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others.

What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?

​I have written previously about Women's Federation for World Peace, an organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee, at work or in our neighborhood.

When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of something bigger than myself.

WFWP has three areas of focus:

• Leadership of the Heart
• Marriage and Family
• Peace Building

All three areas are essential in fulfilling the mission of WFWP which is:  Empowering women with knowledge, skills and supportive community to discover their unique value and bring lasting peace. However, Marriage and Family is my life's work and what I am the most passionate about. It has lead me from being a teacher, to a coach and parent educator and most recently, a published author. In my book, I say, "We guide our children through our relationship with them by cultivating a place of belonging and connection in our home. I believe that more than any other relationship, parenting calls us to be our best selves. And through the process, we discover our own healing and joy!"

I would like to invite you to join me on Tuesday, March 29 at 8 pm ET/5 pm PT for a program sponsored by WFWP. I will be sharing from my book, 7 GIfts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future:  how we can strengthen the relationships with our children and give them tools that will serve them their whole life. For more information and to register:  www.wfwp.us/yomo   

For more information about Women's Federation for World Peace: www.wfwp.us/
To purchase my book: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH