 Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school. The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.” There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:
If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  The Asaro ethnic group in Indonesia and Papua New Guinea has a beautiful saying: “Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.” Having knowledge about something is a great start but moving that knowledge into practice is when it comes alive. We can move what we are learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands with practice and experience.
During high school, I had struggled enormously with science classes. I could memorize the material for tests, but I couldn’t really understand it or explain it. Deep inside, I felt that I wasn’t smart enough—at least not in this area. I felt like a fraud—pretending to know something that I didn’t. I had a profound experience when I was 29 years old, having recently graduated from two years of seminary. I participated in an Ocean Challenge leadership program that involved fishing on the ocean in a 28-foot boat using handlines to catch tuna. After an initial training period, I became a boat captain. The first thing I had to do was to repair the engine which wasn’t working after being in storage over the winter. Since the engine needs to be in the ocean to start it, we attached a piece of plywood to the back end of the boat and labored to fix the engine without falling in. Through this experience of collaborating with a female mechanic, I discovered that I wasn’t dumb; I just needed the hands-on opportunity to move knowledge into practical experience. Learning about the roles that spark plugs and pistons play in bringing the engine to life was so liberating. That summer, I gained a great deal of confidence and I caught an 800 pound tuna with my crew--pictured above. In my book, "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future," I have included a chapter on The Gift of Experience because this is an essential part of our parenting role—giving our children the experiences of doing activities together as a family (creating memories) as well as opportunities to discovery, explore and experience moving knowledge into the heart, the body, and the present. The Gift of Experience covers many different areas. There are experiences together as a family—exploring or camping in nature, going on a memorable trip, or looking at creating special experiences around birthdays and other holidays. Our children need community experiences, activities, and organizations that support healthy challenges and collaboration—hiking clubs, sports, 4-H programs, choir, band, church youth groups, Big Brother-Big Sister programs, and more. For my boys, Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts provided amazing adventures that they could participate in together with their friends. They learned how to camp overnight in the snow, safely use a bow and arrow, as well as load and shoot a BB gun and shotgun. As our children approach the teen years, we might take some advice from Dr. Tim Elmore, international speaker, and best-selling author. He states that he has found six experiences that help foster authentic maturity as youth grow towards adulthood. They include supporting them to:
If you are already a grandparent, think about what kind of experiences you would like to have together with your grandkids. It has been said that one of the greatest legacies we leave our children and grandchildren is happy memories created by our experiences together. The best gifts are not things. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer, richer experiences.” Make experiences a part of your family traditions—start now so they don’t need to wait until 29 (or even older.) For more information on my book, click here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  When was the last time that you said to yourself, “Why is this happening to ME?” It could have been when your spouse forgot to pick-up the items need for dinner. Maybe it was when your young child spilt their drink for the third time that day or drew on the wall with a permanent marker AGAIN. Or you got into the car to go to an important meeting or appointment, and you realized your teenager or young adult had returned the family car on empty once again. Some months ago, I had such a moment at the gym. After swimming and sitting in the hot tub, I took off my swimsuit before taking a shower and hung it on a hook so that it wouldn’t drip everywhere. Coming out of the shower, I found my swimsuit sitting on top of the trash can! Someone had decided that they needed all four of the hooks in the shower area and had moved my swimsuit out of their way. I have to say that I overreacted, saw myself as a victim of this “horrible” injustice and said some less than kind words to the woman who had done this. Fortunately for me, I had just finished participating in a program, Radical Wholeness, which helped me reflect on and get some perspective on my response. I gained many things from this ten-week online course. But one of the presentations that struck me the most was “The Four Levels or Stages of Consciousness.” Based on concepts by Michael Beckwith, Spiritual Director of Agape International Spiritual Center, the founders of WholeHearted—Heather Thalheimer, David Young and Sarah Oben—incorporated “Levels of Consciousness” into their program Radical Wholeness. I have summarized my understanding of these four stages below. The key is to begin with awareness of where I am in a particular area of my life, to accept and love myself at the place I am at, and to allow acceptance, love, and patience to guide me in making progress. (See a diagram of the four stages below.) To Me: At this stage, we experience life as happening to us. We may feel like a victim, things are other people's fault. We blame others or ourselves but feel that we are powerless to change what is happening. To shift to the next stage--By Me--we must let go of blaming others and seek to take ownership of the situation. By Me: This is a building stage. We can learn new skills and see results from our efforts. We look at a situation and ask ourselves, “How can I change this?” We begin to realize that I have something to do with the problem, so I have the power to solve it. Problems can now be seen as opportunities. It can be challenging work, but we can be successful. We may not experience great happiness or peacefulness at this stage. To move to the Through Me stage, we must let go of control and surrender and recognize that we need others as well as God/Higher Power. Through Me: This stage is one of recognizing that there is something greater than myself that wants to flow through me. Surrendering to needing others, needing God helps us to relax and open to possibilities and our own creativity. We can become co-creators in our life. A sense of trust and connectedness occurs. To move to the next level, we need humility to experience being connected to all of life. As Me: This level is experiencing that we are at once a unique individual and at the same time, part of a greater whole. Through this awareness, we experience fusion between the individual and the whole--we cannot ignore the wellbeing of another because we are one. It is important to understand that growth through these stages is not linear, moving from one to the next sequentially. Instead, we move in and out of the various levels. In different areas of our lives, we could experience two or more of these stages in the same day. If this article piques your interest, I invite you to check out Radical Wholeness, a ten-week online Journey. I have included some information below about the course. Registration for the Fall program is now open at beingwholehearted.com. The group meets Wednesdays, September 7 – November 16, 8-10 pm EST. Through Radical Wholeness You Will: • Discover a new way to love yourself. • Experience wholeness through becoming aware of the ways you have separated from yourself, others, and your environment. • Gain learnable, usable, and sustainable practices to experience a new and more satisfying way of living. • Meet other people who want to be part of a heart-centered community.   More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”
This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy. Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process. As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation. You are giving a lecture when:
You know you are having a conversation when:
 On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.
Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  A highly effective tool that I teach to parents is the Enforceable Statement, also known as Turning Your Words to Gold. If you are like most parents, you find yourself telling your child things like, “Sit down,” “Be Quiet,” “Hurry up,” or “Brush your teeth right now.” The problem with these statements is that you are telling them to do something that you cannot control. Children quickly learn to test, push our buttons, and even win battles. Every time we tell our child to do something that we cannot enforce, we give away some of our power and a lot of our credibility.
Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do. An enforceable statement might sound like this:
Another way to think about the effectiveness of enforceable statements is that we are using words that help our child think about what is being communicated; we are using thinking words instead of fighting words. Some examples are:
Check out the new 7 week series based on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future. Beginning in May, this will support parents of all ages. 7 Gifts Webinar  Are cell phones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones can also be harmful when used during family time! When you text and drive, the harm can be imminent. The risk of texting during family gatherings is cumulative, as it can gradually erode relationships.
Our lives are busy juggling work, school, family, extra-curricular activities, and more. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day that everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with those at our dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. If I use a phone at the dinner table, I send the message to my family, “You are so not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” More importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. When we model conversation skills, our table manners can become theirs. Technology can be a great tool to create connections. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite—it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time and becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family times, the impact can be enormous. We can become strangers to each other. Having some guidelines or rules about cell phones are important. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
 A few years ago, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.
Deepak shares an analogy: Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book. As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child. In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.” When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory. Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go! Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others. What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?  I have written previously about Women's Federation for World Peace, an organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee, at work or in our neighborhood. When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of something bigger than myself. WFWP has three areas of focus:
All three areas are essential in fulfilling the mission of WFWP which is: Empowering women with knowledge, skills and supportive community to discover their unique value and bring lasting peace. However, Marriage and Family is my life's work and what I am the most passionate about. It has lead me from being a teacher, to a coach and parent educator and most recently, a published author. In my book, I say, "We guide our children through our relationship with them by cultivating a place of belonging and connection in our home. I believe that more than any other relationship, parenting calls us to be our best selves. And through the process, we discover our own healing and joy!" I would like to invite you to join me on Tuesday, March 29 at 8 pm ET/5 pm PT for a program sponsored by WFWP. I will be sharing from my book, 7 GIfts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: how we can strengthen the relationships with our children and give them tools that will serve them their whole life. For more information and to register: www.wfwp.us/yomo For more information about Women's Federation for World Peace: www.wfwp.us/ To purchase my book: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  |