 Do you have a child who has become truthfulness-challenged? If so, there is hope. As a conscientious parent, you can turn the tide on truth-bending behavior by applying the Three E's: Example, Experience, and Empathy. These three techniques can be applied to a variety of parenting experiences whether our child is two or twenty.
The First "E”: Example Obviously, parents who act truthfully around their child are far more likely to have a truthful child. A not-so-obvious application of good modeling involves discussing our moral dilemmas with others when our child is within earshot. This can even be accomplished by having a “conversation” on the telephone recounting a recent situation. When our child overhears us talking about temptations, and how we've chosen truthfulness instead of deceit, powerful lessons get locked in. The Second "E": Experience When a child lies, they need to experience logical consequences. One of the most practical involves expecting them to replace any energy they've drained from us because of their fibbing. Does lying drain your parental energy? This is a wonderful time to introduce the Energy Drain. energy-drain.html The Third "E": Empathy Consequences preceded with empathy are far more effective than consequences delivered with anger, guilt, or sarcasm. An added benefit of responding to our child's mistakes with empathy is that they'll be far more likely to admit making them. Do we want our child to be afraid of us when they blunder? Do we want them to hide their mistakes rather than bringing them to our attention? Of course not. That's why it's so important to discipline with love rather than lectures. Approaching with empathy, curiosity, and the desire to understand will keep the connection between parent and child thriving. Using the Three E’s—example, experience, and empathy—we can guide our child to gain understanding and wisdom about the impact of their behavior and choices on the quality of their life and their relationships with others. Naturally, the Three E’s are adaptable to many other areas of parenting besides lying. Think about situations with your own children where you could apply the Three E's. Understanding that we are most effective as parents when we teach by example, we can see how important it is that our daily life resembles being courteous, grateful, appreciative, and being responsible. Modeling is one of the most powerful ways that we can parent. Developing manners, respect, consideration, and appreciation towards ourselves and others are habits that need to be practiced and cultivated within our family. The things that we focus on the most are the things that we will do the best. Focusing on positive habits develops habits that contribute to present and future wisdom about healthy relationships. Doing all of this is also the best assurance that we are not raising entitled individuals.  Sometimes when your child misbehaves, it is difficult to find a natural consequence to apply. The Energy Drain approach is the perfect solution to give us a practical way of creating logical consequences that teach responsibility. Simply stated, the child or teen is required to replace energy “drained” from the adult by their misbehavior.
The parent could say, “That is so sad. When you _______, it drains my energy.” Fill in the blank with the inappropriate action that the child did, i.e. arguing, fight with a sibling, lying, etc. The next step would be “How are you going to put my energy back in?” If the child says, “Don’t know,” you ask if they would like some ideas. When they agree, you might say, “Well, some kids decide to clean the bathroom or wash some dishes or clean up the backyard. Those are energy builders. How would one of those work for you?” Of course, the suggestions must be age appropriate. You can offer to show them how to do the task if needed. If the child completes the chores, thank them and don’t lecture. If they refuse, don’t reprimand. Instead, you can remind them that before you can drive them to soccer practice or their friend’s house, or before using the computer or watch a favorite show, the energy needs to be replenished.  When our child is having a hard time, how we respond will shape the way they see themselves. When we react with harsh words or criticism, they may start to believe they are the problem—that they’re too much to manage, that their feelings don’t matter. Over time, this becomes their inner voice. But here’s the good news: we can break that cycle. By staying calm and showing compassion when your child is upset, you teach them they are never too much for you. You show them that mistakes don’t mean rejection and their big feelings won’t drive love away. 💛This creates a foundation for emotional resilience, helping them navigate their own feelings, set healthy boundaries, and show up for others with empathy and love. Understanding that we are most effective as parents and grandparents when we teach by example, we can see how important it is that our daily life resembles being courteous, grateful, appreciative, and self-responsible. Modeling is one of the most powerful ways that we can parent, including how we deal with challenges and our emotions. Developing manners, respect, consideration, and appreciation towards ourselves and others are habits that need to be practiced and cultivated within our family. The things that we focus on the most are the things that we will do the best. Focusing on positive habits develops habits that contribute to present and future wisdom about healthy relationships. Doing all of this is also the best assurance that we are not raising entitled individuals. A few books that I have found helpful in dealing with emotions and feelings are:
For blogs on what our children need from us at the different developmental stages and family tools to support these needs: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/category/child-development-stages
 The world we live in and raise our children and support our grandchildren in is one filled with noise, distractions, and devices. This creates unique challenges in nurturing meaningful connections, especially with the younger generation. It requires intentionality, curiosity, and presence. I ran across an article that underscores how asking open-ended questions can transcend mere small talk and explore topics that ignite curiosity and encourage self-expression in children.
This insightful piece delves into the art of fostering deeper bonds with children and grandchildren through the simple yet profound act of asking great questions. Some of the suggested questions are:
The author, Marie Holmes, is the parenting reporter at HuffPost. She says, "More important than the question that gets them talking is how well you listen once you get them started." Read the whole article and see all fifty questions here: www.huffpost.com/entry/great-questions-grandchildren_l_6616a4a8e4b02edf2008d53d Want to improve your family's communication? Print out this list of conversation starters, cut them into strips, fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children or grandchildren.) Over dinner, at a family meeting or on a car ride have someone pull out one of the questions. Everyone can answer the same question or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start talking. tinyurl.com/conversation-starters  Many cultures have celebrations for the rites of passage from childhood to adulthood. The Jewish tradition has coming of age ceremony of bar or bat mitzvah. For Hispanic girls, at age 15, the quinceanera marks the transition from childhood to being a woman. Growing up in the Mennonite church, I made the decision at age 14, with my parents' guidance and support, to be baptized as a member of the church and a follower of Jesus. On a family level, we too can be part of honoring and affirming our children's growth and development at different stages.
When kids are younger, it may be easier to celebrate with them when they move from elementary to middle and high school, get a driver's license, enter puberty, or get their first job. We may give them a gift, host a party, and maybe include a ceremony as part of the celebration. I am a firm believer in connecting new levels of privileges to being responsible. This assures that they can handle the challenges as well as knowing when to ask for help. For example, completing their chores without reminders, waking up on time on their own, and displaying respect, honesty and self-control in their relationships demonstrates they can be responsible with a new cell phone, later curfew, getting a driver's license and using the family car. I recommend a teen cell phone contract that encourages accountabiity with this new priviledge. It can be adapted for other areas of new responsibility. joshshipp.com/teen-cell-phone-contract/ Guiding your child to develop new levels of responsibility may involve conversations, spelling out expectations, making a written contact with a time period and helping them gain the new skills needed (i.e., taking care of the family car, have more chores around the house the include shopping, preparing meals, making a budget, etc.) Of course, it is important to acknowledge and celebrate any new accomplishments. I read about one family who celebrated their son's 18th birthday by not only inviting his friends but also people who had been important in supporting his journey. The family asked these people to prepare some wisdom or advice to share with him at the party. It was a moving and powerful evening of fun, celebration and blessing for all who attended. If your children are already adults and you feel that you wish you had done more to celebrate their rites of passages, Jim Burns, author of "Doing Life With Your Adult Children" says it isn't too late. Here a few transitional times that he suggests you might use as an opportunity to celebrate.
 In the book, “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul,” Dr. Stuart Brown explains that play is anything but trivial. It is a biological drive as integral to our health as sleep or nutrition. We are designed by nature to flourish through play. As we approach summer and having family time and vacations, think about how play can enter into your time together.
Play explains why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve and more. Particularly in tough times, we need to play more than ever, as it's the very means by which we prepare for the unexpected, search out new solutions, and remain optimistic. In fact, play just might be the most important work we can ever do. One point that Dr. Brown makes again and again is that true play requires a person to let go of pride and self-consciousness. A game of Twister would be horrible if everybody were concerned about what others thought of them. In short, play requires humility. Developing a humble spirit around others allows one to truly play with others- and since play is that which fosters creativity, a culture where humility is the rule is a far healthier culture, economically and socially. Play is the cornerstone of happiness and being a parent gives us the opportunity to play without getting weird looks when we let our silly sides to show. So, what is on your family’s play list? What fun do you have planned in the coming summer months that can engage the whole family? If your family play list needs some work, use the next family-meeting to discuss this topic. Have each member of the family answer the following three questions:
Next, figure out what types of play all of you share. Then, plan your family’s next play outing or activity. Need some ideas to get started? Check out this site: fun-family-activity-ideas-together  As a parent or grandparent, it is easy to see the mistakes that we have made: losing our temper, being late to pick up our kid afterschool, burning the dinner, forgetting an adult child's birthday, saying something mean in the heat of the moment that we cannot easily take back, missing a drama or orchestra performance because of work, and so many more.
I was challenged by my pastor in a recent sermon to claim my victories of the past year because if I don't, I can lose perspective of the growth and the areas in which I have made progress. In addition, we were encouraged to think of ten challenges considering what I learned through them. As the first blog post of 2023, this is a worthy exercise for each of us to undertake. To make a list of your victories of 2022, start small. When I asked my husband about this task, he said, "First of all, I woke up every morning." That is indeed something to be grateful and to claim that I am still here, on this journey of life. One of my goals this past year was to continue to educate myself by reading and when I looked back, I realized I can claim the goal of reading at least one book per month. I also claim as a victory that my husband and I traveled 5+ hours every month to spend time with my 90-year parents. I have to say that listening to books on Audible on our car ride helped me achieve the victory of one book a month. Your victories might include having a meal together as a family at least three or more times every week. Maybe it has to do with a new friendship that you are building or a relationship that you have begun to heal. Did you start any new projects or find service opportunities? Did you walk or exercise consistently? Perhaps, you found a unique way to connect with and celebrate the relationship with your spouse, child, or grandchild. I know a grandfather who communicates with his teenage grandson by texting and sending each other jokes that tickle their unique sense of humor. How about the challenges that you faced? Did you discover that you are stronger than you thought? Did your capacity to find joy in small victories increase? Some of the things that I discovered through my challenges are:
I offer you the opportunity to look back on 2022 if you haven't already to claim your victories and contemplate what you learned from your challenges.  Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school. The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.” There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:
If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”
This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy. Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process. As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation. You are giving a lecture when:
You know you are having a conversation when:
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