 As a parent or grandparent, it is easy to see the mistakes that we have made: losing our temper, being late to pick up our kid afterschool, burning the dinner, forgetting an adult child's birthday, saying something mean in the heat of the moment that we cannot easily take back, missing a drama or orchestra performance because of work, and so many more.
I was challenged by my pastor in a recent sermon to claim my victories of the past year because if I don't, I can lose perspective of the growth and the areas in which I have made progress. In addition, we were encouraged to think of ten challenges considering what I learned through them. As the first blog post of 2023, this is a worthy exercise for each of us to undertake. To make a list of your victories of 2022, start small. When I asked my husband about this task, he said, "First of all, I woke up every morning." That is indeed something to be grateful and to claim that I am still here, on this journey of life. One of my goals this past year was to continue to educate myself by reading and when I looked back, I realized I can claim the goal of reading at least one book per month. I also claim as a victory that my husband and I traveled 5+ hours every month to spend time with my 90-year parents. I have to say that listening to books on Audible on our car ride helped me achieve the victory of one book a month. Your victories might include having a meal together as a family at least three or more times every week. Maybe it has to do with a new friendship that you are building or a relationship that you have begun to heal. Did you start any new projects or find service opportunities? Did you walk or exercise consistently? Perhaps, you found a unique way to connect with and celebrate the relationship with your spouse, child, or grandchild. I know a grandfather who communicates with his teenage grandson by texting and sending each other jokes that tickle their unique sense of humor. How about the challenges that you faced? Did you discover that you are stronger than you thought? Did your capacity to find joy in small victories increase? Some of the things that I discovered through my challenges are:
I offer you the opportunity to look back on 2022 if you haven't already to claim your victories and contemplate what you learned from your challenges.  Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school. The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.” There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:
If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”
This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy. Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process. As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation. You are giving a lecture when:
You know you are having a conversation when:
 On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.
Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  A few years ago, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.
Deepak shares an analogy: Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book. As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child. In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.” When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory. Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go! Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others. What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?  I have written previously about Women's Federation for World Peace, an organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee, at work or in our neighborhood. When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of something bigger than myself. WFWP has three areas of focus:
All three areas are essential in fulfilling the mission of WFWP which is: Empowering women with knowledge, skills and supportive community to discover their unique value and bring lasting peace. However, Marriage and Family is my life's work and what I am the most passionate about. It has lead me from being a teacher, to a coach and parent educator and most recently, a published author. In my book, I say, "We guide our children through our relationship with them by cultivating a place of belonging and connection in our home. I believe that more than any other relationship, parenting calls us to be our best selves. And through the process, we discover our own healing and joy!" I would like to invite you to join me on Tuesday, March 29 at 8 pm ET/5 pm PT for a program sponsored by WFWP. I will be sharing from my book, 7 GIfts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: how we can strengthen the relationships with our children and give them tools that will serve them their whole life. For more information and to register: www.wfwp.us/yomo For more information about Women's Federation for World Peace: www.wfwp.us/ To purchase my book: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH   Family is the foundation of society. History confirms it and every nation is built on that foundation. But the many changes and advances that our world has seen over the past 70 years puts enormous stress on family life. In the words of economic visionary Stan M. Davis, “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.” As parents, we need to reflect deeply on this and look at how we are prioritizing and leading our families in these changing times. I have come to believe that creating a space each week to invest in the family is essential.
Holding weekly family meetings is not a new idea, but it brings together several elements that can strengthen your family and help things run more smoothly. When I was a teacher as well as a part of my church’s youth ministry staff, we had regular meetings that were an integral part of the success of the programs. Every company, organization, and non-profit relies on monthly or weekly meetings to make things function. Similar to any organization, families need to create some order around work and school schedules, church activities, sports, music and dance lessons, doctor appointments, family vacations, summer jobs, household chores, volunteer projects, and more. Meeting together once a week with a family calendar creates the necessary structure needed for harmonious living. In addition, family meetings enable everyone to be engaged in the process of building relationships, solving problems, creating connections, and having fun. For many families, the first hurdle is simply making time. In our busy lives, we can feel that family time is just one more thing to juggle. But shouldn’t this be a worthy challenge for each of us to strive towards? If we want to make our family a priority, finding one hour a week is essential. Whether you have never established a weekly family gathering or yours needs a little tweaking, I invite you to take the next step in making this happen. I agree with Stephen R. Covey when he says, “I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it ‘family time,’ ‘family hour,’ ‘family council’ or ‘family night’. . .Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.” The purpose of a weekly gathering time is to have one evening each week where the family is the focus and priority. As simple as that sounds, it will not happen unless you reserve the time. Put it on your schedule just like you do with all other appointments. It can include a special meal as well: Chili Tuesday or Pizza Friday. Family meetings can make an enormous difference. They can become the keystone to a happy, harmonious family life. Families who meet weekly find that siblings fight less, children argue less with their parents, and there is less yelling and nagging! Now, isn’t that an hour a week well spent? Using the four elements that I introduce in the first chapter of my book, tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child, you can be flexible and creative with family meetings. If your children are young, it may be about establishing a weekly routine without worrying about the various parts. With older children, include them in the planning process for the weekly fun activities and reading/discussion topic. This helps them have input, which can contribute to their level of enthusiasm about the family gatherings. It is also a great skill for their future—learning teamwork, taking on responsibility for the outcome, and experiencing synergy that comes from collaboration. If your children are adults and maybe have children of their own, find a weekly or monthly time to get together over a meal. Delicious food always enhances connection and making time to enjoy each others company can create opportunities to reminisce about past family adventures and make new memories. An added benefit to weekly family meetings is that it gives an opportunity to share your values and stimulate conversation about topics like honesty, gratitude, respect, perseverance, friendship, and kindness in a natural way. Read a classic from The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett or another favorite, and ask open-ended questions. You can Google “Books That Build Character” to find lots of great suggestions. You might also watch a YouTube video together like “Grateful: A Love Song to the World” and discuss what being grateful looks like in your family. Challenge your kids to find other inspirational videos and TED Talks to share at family meetings. If you have young children, get the book Have You Filled A Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud and learn how to be a bucket filler instead of a bucket dipper. Pick a value or virtue for a week or a month, and have the kids create and decorate a poster with the virtue to put around your house to remind everyone. Occasionally, the discussion time could be dedicated to resolving challenges between family members. You can also use the meeting to plan an upcoming family trip or summer vacation to get everyone’s input. Things that we schedule are more likely to happen, and having a regular time both for logistics and for connection as a family will make parenting less stressful and more joyful. Nothing says “I belong” like a family activity that creates laughter and memories. What will your next family meeting look like? For more information about "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future" please visit: www.coachmyrna.org/7-gifts-to-give-your-child.html  If you are trying to figure out what gift to give your child, grandchild, niece or nephew--consider gifting an experience/the gift of time.
What would get the recipient of your gift excited? Maybe it is a day spent at a wonderful museum with interactive exhibits about outer space, art, animals or construction. It may be a special meal out with mom and dad and no other siblings. Perhaps it is going on a train ride to discover a new place. Maybe it is going camping and fishing or attending a concert. How about learning a new skill like painting, using a potter's wheel, snowboarding or gardening? Maybe it a plane ticket to fly to visit you during spring break. The possibilities are endless and limited only by your imagination. One of the experiences that I remember as a child is from my recently released book: www.coachmyrna.org/7-gifts-to-give-your-child.html All of us fall into the habit of purchasing lots of gifts for birthdays and holidays. We do so to express our love, but often what our child really wants most is to spend time together. I remember when my parents purchased two season passes to a series of cultural events. Each month, one of my siblings or I went with one parent to experience a string quartet or hear highlights from a musical performance of H.M.S. Pinafore. It meant getting dressed up and having time alone with my mom or dad. In addition, there was the opportunity to go backstage and meet the performers, see their costumes or instruments up close, and get them to sign the program. The memories of these evenings far outlasted any toy that I received. I want to re-share a post from a few years ago because it has an important message for all of us as parents, grandparents and even aunts, uncles and other family members. I am not the author of this post but as a teacher for over 20 years, the truth of these words are so powerful. Dear Parents & Grandparents, I know at this time of year the sounds, smells and decorations of Christmas are everywhere. As a parent, there is pressure to make a perfect, magical experience. You want to create lasting memories and give your children the best gifts possible. Sometimes that means a lot of stress on you to get everything done. You may wonder how you can afford to buy all that their hearts’ desires or how you will possibly have enough time to fit everything in. I want to tell you a secret. Every January, when your children come back to school, they tell me all about the Christmas holidays. I hear about the day that everyone stayed in their pajamas and watched favorite movies. They tell me about walking together in the freezing cold to get something at McDonalds. They remember driving around looking at the best decorated houses and having hot cocoa afterwards. I hear about the morning that you didn’t have to go to work and how everyone snuggled together in your bed. Or about the days that they stayed at Grandma’s until you came back from work. They tell me about visiting cousins that they haven’t seen for a long time and how they stayed in a hotel with a pool. Sometimes, I hear about how they visited friends on New Year’s Eve and they got to stay awake until midnight. Or how it snowed and everyone had a huge snowball fight! Usually they mention their presents, but for them Christmas is about you and your love, time, routines and feeling safe. You are their favorite gift! A teacher (adapted from an Instagram post) If you have adult children who are parents, consider giving them "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future" as a gift this year. www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years.
Technology has changed our world forever. Kids, youth, and young adults today do not know a world without cellphones and other forms of media. These developments in technology connects them to news and trends instantaneously, significantly affecting and shaping their worldview. Events happening around the world are quickly available to us, which can impact our feelings of anxiety and fear. This onslaught of information is unprecedented in human history, and something that we all must learn how to navigate with discernment. As an increasingly global community, we often live far from extended families and the support they could offer. More households have both parents working, which adds additional pressure as they juggle work, school, family, and community. A much higher percentage of single/separated/divorced parents are navigating new challenges on their parenting journey. These added complexities can leave many families feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parents are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. How do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We simply need to be present. |