 The culture of the home that we grow up in impacts our ability to connect and relate to others--classmates, teachers, friends, bosses, co-workers, partners, and our own children. If during our childhood, we experienced our parents interacting with kindness, respect, and love, most likely, we have learned these skills ourselves. If, however, we didn't experience this type of home environment, we may not know how to do this with our family and friends. Living together is an art. Even with the best of intentions, we can cause others to feel unhappy.
Through being intentional, we can learn the art of creating happiness in our relationships. It begins with mindfulness and self-awareness. In fact, the practice of mindfulness is said to be the practice of love itself. Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese monastic, and peace activist, was often called the Father of Mindfulness and is credited as one of the key figures who brought Buddhism to the west. He said that he would like to create a one-year program for individuals before they get married. For a whole year, the students would practice looking deep within to discover all that exists there—their flowers and their compost—developed from their own choices, what they gained from their family and society experiences and what they inherited from their ancestors. He said, "If people don't take time to come to know themselves well and untie their internal knots, when they enter into a relationship with another person, their union will be difficult." Starting with our own awareness, we can begin to recognize the knots that need to be untangled. It isn't easy to look at our own negative feelings and we often create elaborate defense mechanisms to deny their existence. But it is actually a blessing when they surface because we can recognize that we need to pay attention to them. As we practice the art of mindful living together, we can learn to help untie each other's knots. I will be sharing over the next four weeks a four-step process of restoring connection and communication--untangling the knots within ourselves and with our partner and children. The concepts come from a book entitled "Beginning Anew" by Sister Chan Khong. In the meantime, feel free to read several previous blogs that I have written on related topics. begin-anew-today.html a-new-way-to-experience-life.html  Recently, while feeling overwhelmed about how I can impact the world in a positive way, I was reminded of the words of Jane Goodall. She said, "I like to envision the whole world as a jigsaw puzzle… If you look at the whole picture, it is overwhelming and terrifying, but if you work on your little part of the jigsaw and know that people all over the world are working on their little bits, that’s what will give you hope." I remember at family gatherings, it was a tradition to put together a 1000- or 1500-piece puzzle over the course of our time together.
Opening the box and looking at the numerous pieces inside, it was hard to imagine them changing into the picture on the cover of the box. It was like a ritual--setting a card table, sorting out the outside edges and creating the frame. Slowly, the pieces were fitted together to create a flower, a building, or a bridge. My mom and my brother-in-law were among the most patient and consistent contributors. As I reflect on the lessons that I can draw from the words of Jane Goodall and my own experience with watching the puzzle unfold, I am struck by how these very elements are what we need to work on in our own niche of the world.
I am challenging myself--and I invite you as well--to find ways to work on your own section of the puzzle. Look for opportunities to create connections and conversations with your neighbor, co-worker, partner, parent, sibling, or child. Which puzzle pieces need your attention right now?  Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening, the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits us with 86,400 seconds. Each night, at midnight, our count starts over. Nothing is carried over from the previous day.
Each day opens a new account for us, ripe with possibities. Each night, it burns the remains of the day. If we fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is ours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the tomorrow. We have the opportunity to choose how we will use today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special.
Time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. Perhaps that's why it's called the present!  In her book, The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says, “Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t in control—with all the frustrations, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation.” We have many opportunities to get upset, react, or get triggered throughout our day--with our boss or a co-worker, while driving in traffic, with a friend, or our spouse. However, children seem to have the unique ability to know how to push our buttons! I'd like to point out that this gives us the opportunity to re-parent ourselves.
There is a reason we are getting upset, giving in, or overreacting. Learning about what causes us to react and understanding why some things bother us more than others is an important part of parenting. Getting triggered is when we have an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Often something our child or someone else says or does connects us to a difficult childhood memory. We can begin by realizing that getting overly upset or triggered is something to pay attention to rather than be ashamed of. I like to think of such opportunities as "awakenings." These intense interactions uncover something in me that perhaps I already knew deep inside. Starting with this awareness, we can begin to see that there is more at stake than simply someone else's words or actions. At times, we can work through these challenges on our own, but sometimes we need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional, and that’s okay. Parenting and grandparenting give us the tremendous opportunity to reparent ourselves! Reparenting means to work through emotions, habits and experiences from our past that stand in the way of being our best selves right now and make different choices in our current relationships. To do this involves learning to:
www.prepare-enrich.com/blog/4-benefits-of-understanding-your-triggers |