 Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.
I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person. Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine. Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.
Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:
For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between  More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”
This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy. Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process. As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation. You are giving a lecture when:
You know you are having a conversation when:
 In a couple of weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating our fortieth anniversary. Reflecting back on this journey that we have traveled together, I am acutely aware that there is no shortcuts to achieving closeness and connection as a couple. Relationships take consistent investment, a commitment to grow together, a willingness to share honestly even when we are scared or hurt, finding ways to practice forgiveness and grace, and discovering unconditional love. As parents and grandparents, one of the most powerful ways that we impact those we love is in how we relate to and treat others--our spouse, our children & grandchildren, our friends and more. Research shows that when children see their parents love each other in a respectful, trustful and positive manner, they have a much better chance of having the same kind of relationship with their future spouse. And the greatest sense of security for a child is the knowledge that his or her parents love each other. No matter where you are on this journey, it is always worthwhile to make time to invest in your important relationships. I would like to share with you a couple of resources to support your work. As a Prepare Enrich facilitator, one of the first resources I suggest to a couple is a inventory: tinyurl.com/Relationship-Check Feel free to use to as a way to begin a conversation with your partner. If you would like to know more about the Prepare Enrich program, Contact Me A second resource is a four week course beginning on Wednesday, July 5th entitled Relationship Readiness--Transformation of Heart. It is a program presented by Hilde Wiemann, founder of Generational Healing. As a relationship coach who trained under Hilde, I highly recommend this course for engaged couples, individuals looking to prepare for a future marriage as well as those who have been together for a number of years and are looking to deepen their relationship. You can find information and register here: www.generationalhealing.org/relationship-prep   The third Sunday in June is dedicated to honoring fathers and father figures for the sacrifices they make, for embracing the responsibility of nurturing and raising children, and for devotion to their family. It is a well-known fact that Father's Day doesn't get the same attention that Mother's Day does and there are far less cards, chocolates and flowers sold.
If you are trying to think of the best way to honor your dad, how about doing something special together that he enjoys instead of buying a gift? If you don't live nearby, organize a zoom call to share your appreciations with him. Create a short video interviewing family members about their favorite memories or a photo book that everyone can collaborate on. Need some more ideas? Check out these: www.allprodad.com/5-ideas-for-fathers-day-to-honor-your-dad/ For me, I want to reshare a blog post from a few years ago. The photo for this blog is my dad, my husband and three sons, putting together a bird house on one of our visits. As a child, Mondays were special days because it meant pancakes for breakfast made by my dad. Working as a hospital chaplain and the pastor of a Mennonite congregation kept my father quite busy. Mondays were his days off and he developed a whole wheat flour recipe that he mixed up for us the first school day of each week. Served with butter and warmed syrup, we enjoyed this weekly treat and it became part of our family tradition. And if there were some left over, we might have them that evening with some vanilla ice cream sandwiched inside. As adults, my siblings and I would often request pancakes for breakfast when we visited. As we are approaching Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the influence of my father on my life. Every summer, my dad helped my mom pack us in the car for a day trip to the Oregon coast or a camping trip to Honeyman State Park where we collected sticks and sea shells, built sandcastles and rode the dune buggy on the Oregon Dunes. My dad helped me appreciate the wonders of nature. Later when we moved to Kansas, we spent several summers in the Ozarks. I remember once, we were expecting to hear some local musicians perform on the courthouse steps. However, when we arrived at the empty town square, it became clear that we had outdated information. My dad asked around and eventually found some local musicians gathering nearby to play for their own entertainment. Being an awkward teenager, I am pretty sure I was lobbying for going straight back to our campsite. But soon we found ourselves seated in some battered folding chairs enjoying the music from a dulcimer, some fiddles, a banjo, a few guitars, a hammered dulcimer and even a couple of cloggers (a type of folk dance.), On one of our visits to the Arkansas Ozarks, my dad inquired about how to make a dulcimer and before we headed home, he had purchased plans to build one. I am the proud owner of one of his ‘limited editions.’ From my dad, I learned the importance of curiosity and not letting shyness get in the way of experiencing life. From the very beginning of my life, I was influenced by the lifestyle choices of both my father and mother. I was born in Mathis, a small Texas town near Corpus Christi in a maternity hospital built by volunteers from the Mennonite Church. As the directors of the program, my parents provided leadership, support and meals eaten around a ping pong table. Through the Mennonite Voluntary Service unit, the local community benefited from having access to the maternity hospital, a kindergarten to help children learn English before starting elementary school, cooking & basketball after school clubs, adult education and more. MVS, started in 1944 as a practical peaceful alternative to serving in the military, continues until today as a way for volunteers make a 1-2 year commitment to make a difference. I find the words of American writer Clarence Budington Kelland sum up well what I learned from watching my dad, Millard E. Osborne. “My father didn’t tell me how to live life; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” If you are interested in knowing more about the origins of Father's Day: www.almanac.com/content/when-fathers-day  Many years ago, American novelist and college professor Toni Morrison was on the Oprah Winfrey Show to launch her book The Bluest Eye. During the conversation, Oprah asked her to talk about the messages we give our children.
Ms. Morrison explained that it’s interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, “Does your face light up?” She went on to explain, “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face--What’s wrong now? Instead, let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room, my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?” Dr. Brené Brown said after many years of research, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.” Intuitively, we already sense what we need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy. We see evidence of it in the unifying theme of most literature, movies, songs, magazines, and even commercial advertisements. More than anything else, what we all need is love, relationship, and connection. Scientific studies have demonstrated that from early childhood, our brains are molded by love and connection. Without it, infants literally die, even though their basic needs are met. Later in life, those lacking connection experience higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, depression, accidents, addictions, and suicide. In fact, loss of connection is the cause of emotional wounding which can lead to anxiety, self-absorption, and loss of empathy. The lack of feeling connected to others is part of the core human problem resulting in mistrust, lack of empathy for others, conflict and more. As a Safe Conversations workshop facilitator, I help individuals, couples and families communicate and connect. We are all meant to be connecting as couples, families, social institutions, and communities. Connecting is how we find joy, satisfaction and happiness. The good news is that relationship skills can be taught—we can all learn to reconnect with those most important to us! If you would like to create greater connection in your relationships, consider joining the upcoming 7-week series Building Connection in Relationships. Beginning on Monday, June 20, I will be facilitating a small group using the tools of Love, Safe Conversations, Inner Child and more. To learn more: https://www.coachmyrna.org/buildconnection.html. If you are interested to discover what a coaching session involves, learn more here: https://www.coachmyrna.org/coaching.html
Did you know that having healthy relationships helps us to have a healthy brain? Relationship is essential to our development and helps us learn to connect and regulate our emotions and our brain. To better understand our brain in relationships, let's look at the three important parts of the brain involved:
The diagram above of the Brain in Relationships is one I use during the Safe Conversations workshops that I facilitate. Safe Conversations Connecting is our deepest desire and losing connection is our greatest fear. Learning how to connect and communicate with each other without getting triggered is essential. The fact of the matter is that connection cannot occur when Fight, Flight or Freeze is engaged. Learning how to speak to each other calmly and taking a break when we get too upset are important steps in creating connection. One way to do this for ourselves and to model this to others, especially our children, is learning to recognize when we are getting upset or triggered. Recognizing the clues--body tensing up, butterflies in our stomach, heat rising in our face or head--means I can make a choice before I explode. We might say something like, "I am feeling really upset right now. I need to take a break but can we talk about this later?" Getting up and walking away takes us away from the situation and moving our bodies helps ground us and lessen the tension inside. Breathing is a wonderful way to calm down. Mindful breathing is a great way to calm our heart, body and mind. Basically, it means to breathe with intention. You can do it for yourself as well as with your children or your partner. Consider beginning the day with a moment of mindful breathing or before going to sleep at night as a helpful way to unwind. Make this a ritual with your family. Doing breathing practice helps us to tune into ourselves and practice a skill when we calm that we can use when the situation arises. One tool that I have discovered for myself is using the app Insight Timer. Having it on my phone means I can find a quiet place to restore calmness and connection with myself anytime of the day. A resource for teaching mindful breathing to children is: annakaharris.com/mindfulness-for-children/ Expressing our appreciation to those we love strengthens our relationship. It is one thing to feel grateful for our child, spouse or friend. But when we express it to them, it enhances our connection. It says, "I notice you, you are important to me." If you would want to strengthen your relationships with your spouse, children and friends, I invite you to join my 7-week series, Building Connection in Relationship, beginning on Monday, June 20. Do you want to learn to love more unconditionally and to have more fulfilling relationships? The truth is that this journey begins by learning to love and accept ourselves. Combining tools from Real Love, Safe Conversations, Inner Child and more, I will be facilitating a new small group by zoom that creates a safe, supportive environment for you to discover greater connection, belonging and unconditional love in your relationships. For more info: Build Connection Webinar  In her book, Radical Acceptance—Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha, author Tara Brach tells a tale of a tiger who lived for years in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. The tiger spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.
Eventually, biologists and staff at the zoo worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond, and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new and expansive environment. But sadly, it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. The tiger paced back and forth in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet became worn bare of any grass. If we take an honest look at how we live our lives, most of us will find that we have developed unhealthy patterns in our relationships. Entangled in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, self-judgement, and unworthiness, we have difficulty expressing our appreciation and love for those that we care about the most—parents, children, siblings, spouse, and friends. Like the tiger, we cage ourselves in and do not achieve the love, joy, and satisfaction that we were created to have. The way out of our cage begins with two important steps:
This is not an easy journey as we often live our lives from the neck up, not wanting to acknowledge the pain, turmoil and wounds that is going on within. It might seem counter-intuitive to focus on the things that are causing us pain, but we cannot heal or change those things of which we are not aware or do not acknowledge. As parents, we are given an amazing experience to grow and heal because we are choosing to be in an intimate parent-child relationship but this time our role is different. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell state in Parenting from the Inside Out, “How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children…your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood.” Negative emotions are not pleasant, but they are useful to understand what we need to address. When we pay attention to what we feel and experience in the relationship with our child, we can be awakened to those things that need our attention. We have a choice how we see the challenges that arise in our relationship with our child:
There is a misconception that others have the power to make us angry, sad, upset, or depressed. When we have unprocessed wounds and pain, we are reactive and respond unconsciously. But we can learn to think, feel, and act mindfully instead of repeating learned patterns of behavior. This takes time and patience and may involve collaborating with a coach, a counselor, working together with others in a parenting group, and/or reading books to support you on this journey.  I recently spent the day at a beautiful Maui beach on vacation with family. As I made my way into the water, it was a struggle to navigate with waves break around my knees pulling me towards the shore and the receding water underneath pulling my feet back towards the ocean. Finally, I reached the deeper water and was able to float effortlessly, rising with the swelling waves instead of wrestling with them.
As I relaxed and looked around, I noticed a school of small fish swim by and a sea turtle raise its head out of the water to breathe. A young child, supported by a parent, was learning to ride a surfboard into the shore. Off in the distance, a sailboat glided along. I reflected on the strength of the ocean. The ocean isn’t something to control but we can find ways to cooperate with the ocean's power—like the surfers we had seen the day before. Learning to respect this power is important for anyone living and working near an ocean. If I am honest with myself, I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to control things in my life that weren’t meant to be controlled—people, situations, relationships, circumstances, and more. How about you? What relationship comes to mind—your child, your partner, maybe a boss or co-worker, or how about a parent or in-law? When was the last time you struggled with a frustrating situation at work, on a committee or during a family vacation when things just weren’t working? There are some things that have helped me to learn to let go of this need to control. First, I am learning to not take things personally. Usually, people are doing the best they can. When others overreact, it isn’t just to me but to a lifetime of pain and wounding. Studying and practicing Real Love with intentional small groups has given me the support and safety to discover my own wounding and begin to heal. Secondly, learning the tools of Safe Conversations has helped me become a better listener as well as find ways to communicate my own needs calmly and with respect. Also, I have discovered practices that support me letting go of the need to control—Emotional Freedom Technique, Mindfulness, Inner Child work, Ho’oponopono, journaling, meditation and more. As a coach and educator, I use all of these tools to help others work towards a happier life. Still reflecting, I made my way back toward the beach. Suddenly, I found myself knocked off balance by a wave and landed face down in the sand. Before I could get up, I was on my back, flipped over like a pancake by an aggressive chef. It was a good reminder that I need to be present to the work of continuing to find greater balance in my life. And because I have been working on letting things go that I can’t control, I got up with a smile and as much grace as I could muster. If you would like to know more about what I offer as a coach, click here: Coaching Find out more about Safe Conversations and considering signing up for the next workshop, click here: Safe Conversations  The most important component in raising your child is your connection to them. Your relationship with them is the building block for their future relationships. Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us.
Taking time to talk and listen, really listen, to your child is essential. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is while running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, and establishing family traditions and weekend outings. Parenting is an inside job. Regardless of all the technological advances in our society today, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their child. As you and your partner guide your child through your relationship with them, you support them in learning to make good choices, taking responsibility and learning from their mistakes. Through this connection and support, they develop a moral compass—an inner voice—that can guide them throughout their whole life. In fact, I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. Excerpt from my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, available here: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH |
