 Albert Einstein said, "He who can no longer pauses to wonder and stand wrapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." We live in trying times and it takes intention and presence to notice all that is amazing and wonderful in the people and nature surrounding us.
Almost every day, it seems that we can find evidence of how annoying, inconvenient, and inconsiderate people and situations can be. Travel gets interrupted because of weather. Your commute to work is stressful because of people driving recklessly, the person ahead of you in line at the checkout counter is exchanging items and asking too many questions, your spouse forgets to pick up something at the store, there is that person in the grocery store talking on their phone on speaker, your child tells you the night before that they need to bring something for a school project or a bake sale—the list can go on and on. It is easy to take the nature that surrounds for granted--the colors of the leaves in the fall, the beautiful flowers blooming in our neighbors yard or the incredible colors painted across the sky at sunset. We also forget that people are impressive, amazing individuals created in the image of God. Pearl Bailey, actress, singer and author said that people see God every day, they just don’t recognize him. If you haven't seen the entertaining short video, "Eating Twinkies With God," watch and share it with your family. www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9N8OXkN0Rk&t=5s Recently, I watched the movie, "My Octopus Teacher" about Craig Foster, a nature documentary filmmaker, naturalist and founder of Sea Change Project. This project is a community of scientists, storytellers, journalists and filmmakers who are dedicated to the ocean. Their work is motivating scientists, policymakers, and individuals to engage meaningfully with nature and protect our oceans. For Craig Foster, the ocean and one particular octopus changed his life. He went to the ocean originally because he was overwhelmed and stressed out. He went every day, swimming without a wetsuit or oxygen tank because he felt it would be a barrier to interacting with the ocean life and he discovered an amazing world underwater with a unique and curious octopus that befriended him. The movie is both a gorgeous wildlife documentary and a moving tale of how a man in crisis found joy, wonder and purpose through immersion in nature and a remarkable relationship with an octopus. I highly recommend this movie as a great family watch. Awe is the feeling we get when something moves us, maybe it stops us in our tracks and enables us to feel truly alive. Research shows that awe and wonder can decrease stress and anxiety and increase positive emotions and overall satisfaction in our life. The practice of wonder can engender greater compassion for others, build brain health, a sense of more expansive time, and the recognition that there are greater forces at work within the universe. It also helps us to feel greater support and increases the likelihood that we will help others.  Later this month, many of us will be sitting down to enjoy Thanksgiving meal with family and friends. Dinner conversations in homes across the country will begin with the ritual of going around the table to share what each is thankful for and why. This is a wonderful and meaningful ritual to have, but how many of us limit this ritual to this one special day when we are gathered around a turkey dinner with all the trimmings? Giving thanks and showing appreciation is an art and one that needs to be worked on daily. It is a habit that we need to develop and practice and then, pay forward the art of gratitude to those around us. Many of us struggle to remember gratitude when life is challenging. Parents say: “I tell my kids to appreciate what they have-that there are a lot of other children in the world that don’t have what they have. But they don’t seem to get it AND they take everything I do for them and what I give to them for granted!” So I propose that this November, we have a gratitude challenge, finding ways to be grateful and appreciative what we have. Perhaps, it would work best if you have a family meeting to present the idea and see what ideas your kids have. Here are five suggestions to get you started: 1- Express, share and model your own gratitude. Express gratitude for what we often take for granted--having a roof over our head at night or food on the table—when your children are present. Doing this allows us to become mindful of life’s daily blessings and to shift our focus to the blessings instead of complaints. The more we share our gratitude for life’s simple pleasures each day, the more our children will naturally discover their own reasons to be grateful and learn to express their gratitude, too! 2- Appreciate your children. Here are some ways you can express gratitude to your children beginning today!
Showing and expressing our appreciation to our children is a gift that will keep on giving. Imagine the sheer joy of your children feeling appreciated and then imagine and savor in how much more cooperative your children will be. Now that is something, we can all be grateful for! 3- Give your children chores. Chores are contributions to the family and make the family work better. We all need to be needed, especially our children. Through helping, not only will your children learn that the family runs more effortlessly and efficiently but they will learn to understand that consistent work and effort is required to accomplish tasks (clean dishes do not miraculously appear on the table each night) and that their effort is appreciated. The more your children feel appreciated, the more they will be willing to help. An important note is that children should not be paid for these regular contributions. Otherwise, they are hired help. Of course, you can have a list of additional chores that you are willing to pay them to complete 4- Teach the value of patience and hard work. There was a time that children would dream and brainstorm how they could earn the newest pair of sneakers or the latest hi-tech gadget. Today, a common complaint is that children have an increased sense of entitlement. It is important to keep in mind that their lack of appreciation is being fueled by parents and others catering to their every desire without sacrifice of any kind. And then we become resentful that our children do not show appreciation and act like spoiled brats. We have robbed our children of the excitement of dreaming and of the understanding of what it means to wait and to even work for something that is out of their immediate reach. Brainstorm with your children on ways they can earn what they want. Helping our children learn to work and to wait for life’s treasures by focusing on needs vs. wants will cultivate a stronger sense of internal gratitude and increased feelings of happiness. Being patient while waiting and working towards a goal helps to create a sense of appreciation for what we have and don’t have. 5- Give back to others. Look for opportunities to help others as a family and talk about ways to help others in daily life. Talk about the saying, “to give is better than to receive” and ask your children what they think it means. Have a challenge for a week to see how many people each person can help and talk about it over dinner. To give to others is powerful but we must provide our children with opportunities to be selfless and to give back to others. What opportunities will you give your children this holiday season to give back? What ways does your community offer to get involved?   The Asaro ethnic group in Indonesia and Papua New Guinea has a beautiful saying: “Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.” Having knowledge about something is a great start but moving that knowledge into practice is when it comes alive. We can move what we are learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands with practice and experience.
During high school, I had struggled enormously with science classes. I could memorize the material for tests, but I couldn’t really understand it or explain it. Deep inside, I felt that I wasn’t smart enough—at least not in this area. I felt like a fraud—pretending to know something that I didn’t. I had a profound experience when I was 29 years old, having recently graduated from two years of seminary. I participated in an Ocean Challenge leadership program that involved fishing on the ocean in a 28-foot boat using handlines to catch tuna. After an initial training period, I became a boat captain. The first thing I had to do was to repair the engine which wasn’t working after being in storage over the winter. Since the engine needs to be in the ocean to start it, we attached a piece of plywood to the back end of the boat and labored to fix the engine without falling in. Through this experience of collaborating with a female mechanic, I discovered that I wasn’t dumb; I just needed the hands-on opportunity to move knowledge into practical experience. Learning about the roles that spark plugs and pistons play in bringing the engine to life was so liberating. That summer, I gained a great deal of confidence and I caught an 800 pound tuna with my crew--pictured above. In my book, "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future," I have included a chapter on The Gift of Experience because this is an essential part of our parenting role—giving our children the experiences of doing activities together as a family (creating memories) as well as opportunities to discovery, explore and experience moving knowledge into the heart, the body, and the present. The Gift of Experience covers many different areas. There are experiences together as a family—exploring or camping in nature, going on a memorable trip, or looking at creating special experiences around birthdays and other holidays. Our children need community experiences, activities, and organizations that support healthy challenges and collaboration—hiking clubs, sports, 4-H programs, choir, band, church youth groups, Big Brother-Big Sister programs, and more. For my boys, Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts provided amazing adventures that they could participate in together with their friends. They learned how to camp overnight in the snow, safely use a bow and arrow, as well as load and shoot a BB gun and shotgun. As our children approach the teen years, we might take some advice from Dr. Tim Elmore, international speaker, and best-selling author. He states that he has found six experiences that help foster authentic maturity as youth grow towards adulthood. They include supporting them to:
If you are already a grandparent, think about what kind of experiences you would like to have together with your grandkids. It has been said that one of the greatest legacies we leave our children and grandchildren is happy memories created by our experiences together. The best gifts are not things. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer, richer experiences.” Make experiences a part of your family traditions—start now so they don’t need to wait until 29 (or even older.) For more information on my book, click here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  I am excited to announce that my book is now available on Amazon here: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child
I'd like to share two tools that I recommend for parents, grandparents, nannies and teachers to help preschool and elementary age children learn to make better choices and gain the gift of accountability. This is an excerpt from 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 5--The Gift of Accountability. Clip Chart: This is a tool that I used as a teacher, but it is easily adapted to home use. Using a piece of construction paper, cardstock, or poster board that is approximately 12” by 18,” divide it into five equal sections and label it according to the diagram. You could even use five paper plates, an idea I saw recently on a play school post. Write each child’s name on a clothespin and clip them on one side of the chart. Every morning, the child’s clip begins at Ready to Learn. When they make good choices, they can move their clip up to Good Choices or Great Job. If they make a poor choice, they move the clip down to Think About It or Conference with Parent for a more serious or repeated offense. Ideally, you let the child think about it for a short time, and then move it back up to Ready to Learn after a conversation about the different choices they need to make. This visual works best with children elementary school age or younger. I found that making each section a different color was helpful. For example, I made Ready to Learn green, Good Choices blue and Great Job purple. I used yellow for Think About It and red for Conference with Parent/Teacher. Be creative with the wording; for instance, maybe labeling the middle section Ready to Grow makes more sense for your child. The chart is most effective if you introduce it as a tool to help your child get feedback on their behavior and choices. Having them move their own clip is an important part of this process. It isn’t meant to be punitive but to serve as a reminder that there are consequences for actions and words. Use it as long as it is effective, and then take a break for a while before revisiting it. Good Choices Jar: Another classroom tool adaptable for the home is the Good Choices Jar. Using any plastic or glass jar, put a marble in the jar each time that you observe your child making a positive choice. You can use it for a specific behavior that you would like to support, or it can be for any helpful or kind words or actions. The jar can be for one child or for everyone in the family. When the jar is full, have a Good Choices Party and do something wonderful or go somewhere special. Let your child help to come up with the reward for a full jar of marbles. Make sure that the size of the jar is challenging but not unattainable to fill. You can have the rule that the child can report helpful things that they did (that you didn’t observe) when it is corroborated by a sibling, friend or parent. Consider reading the book yourself and giving it as holiday gifts to your adult children who are parents. Or give it as a baby shower gift or give it to any other young parents that you know. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, visit: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child  Dr. Brene Brown--professor, author, and speaker said after sixteen years of research, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives…Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued: when they can give and receive without judgement.”
Intuitively, we already sense what we need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy. We see evidences of it in the unifying theme of most literature, movies, magazines, and even our commercial advertisements. More than anything else, what we all need is love, relationship and connection. Scientific studies have demonstrated that from early childhood our brains are molded by love and connection. Without it, infants literally die, even though their basic needs are met. Later in life, those lacking connection experience higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, depression, accidents, addictions and suicide. As parents, our connection and relationship with our children are the building blocks for their future relationships. Connection is key! Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us. Plus, strong family connection supports more cooperation and harmony in the home. This can be a lot of pressure for parents juggling work, school, family, and competing with extra-curricular activities and all media devices. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, establishing family traditions and weekend outings. For more ideas to get you started, click here: www.aha-now.com/creating-family-connections/  Control is a basic human need. All of us fight to gain power and feel in control of our lives. Most parents first experience this power struggle with their child around two years old. From this young age, children begin to establish their own individuality, recognizing themselves as separate from their parents and the world around them. Although this is a necessary process of learning to make decisions for themselves and exert their own will and authority, these can be trying times for us parents. Often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood and the teen years.
Parents can turn these difficult times into opportunities for growth. Instead of viewing children’s willful behavior as “bad” and reacting in a way that overpowers the child, we can view this as a healthy positive sign of our child’s development and find ways to empower him. One way to do this is to offer choices instead of making statements or giving commands. Every choice you give becomes a “deposit” into your child’s sense of healthy control. Even when the choices seem small or a bit silly, they can be very powerful. The more choices parents give, the more chance of having cooperative kids. Some basic guidelines are:
As needed, the parent can say, “Didn’t I give you a lot of choices today? This time, it’s my turn to decide. Thanks for understanding.” For example, instead of asking your two-year-old if they are ready for a nap, ask, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" If your 18-month-old is resisting a diaper change, ask, “Do you want me to change it on the floor or on the bed?” When it is time to leave the park or a friend’s house, don’t simply say that it is time to go. Prior to your desired departure time, ask your child if she would like to leave now or in 10 minutes. Sharing control through choices can be effective with older children as well. Some examples of choices include: “Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?” “Are you going to clean the garage or mow the lawn this week?” “Will you have these chores done tomorrow or do you need an extra day to finish them?” “Are you two going to stop bickering or do you want to pay me for having to listen to you?” Control is like love. The more we give away, the more we get back. Choices gives the child plenty of practice at thinking and solving problems.  In families, parents are tasked with the responsibility to lead. If we want our children to learn self-control, respect, responsibility and love, we need to model it in our daily lives. Greg Baer in “Real Love in Parenting” says “Our children can’t achieve those qualities…until they feel more loved, and that is our responsibility, which requires that we find Real Love for ourselves and then share it with them. It all starts with a desire to change ourselves.”
Kids’ greatest sense of security comes from the confidence that the people that they love the most—their parents and family—love each other. It has been said that the family is the school of love, the place where loving relationships are meant to be learned. Through our examples as parents, we can teach and show that happiness comes from being loving. We also model accepting and loving other people that we interact with and talk about—employers, co-workers, store clerks, neighbors, friends, relatives and other drivers on the road. The way that children learn to be responsible is the same way they learn to play an instrument or ride a bike--practice. Give them plenty of practice and opportunities. We model through our actions but also, we can think out loud saying things like: “I feel so much better when I keep my desk neat and organized.” “This task is difficult, but I know I can finish it.” It is important for children to know that we sometimes have to work hard at tasks that we don’t like. We can teach our children respect, self-control and so many other qualities through our relationships and daily interactions. The entire goal of life is to be happy, a feeling of profound peace that does not come and go with changing circumstances. Real happiness comes from feeling loved and from loving other people, and that feeling stays with us through struggle and hardship. As parents, we are responsible for loving our children and teaching them to love others. All of us are doing the best we can but we need the support and love of others to become more loving ourselves.  By sharing the thinking with our children, we provide them the opportunity to grapple with the consequences of their choices. When our child misbehaves or makes mistakes, we can hand the problem back to her by asking, “How are you going to solve this?” Giving a child some guidance and allowing him to struggle to find a solution builds responsibility and self-esteem. For the child, having the satisfaction of saying, “I did it!” is key.
Thinking is just like any other skill—it takes practice. The key is asking lots of questions instead of telling your child what to do. Questions cause children to think, commands cause them to resist. Wise parents choose thinking over resistance any day. The five-step process from Love and Logic Parenting listed below clearly hands the problem back to the child and gives the message that he is capable. With this tool, parents can look forward to the poor choices of their children as learning opportunities. After all, the road to responsibility and wisdom is paved with many “affordable” mistakes! Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems—Love and Logic Parenting www.loveandlogic.com/ Step One: Empathy. “How sad.” “I bet that hurts.” Step Two: Send the “Power Message.” “What do you think you’re going to do?” Step Three: Offer choices. “Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?” At this point, offer a variety of choices that range from bad to good. It’s usually best to start out with the poor choices. Each time a choice is offered, go on to step four, forcing the child to state the consequence in his/her own words. This means that you will be going back and forth between Love and Logic steps three and four. Step Four: Have the child state the consequences. “And how will that work?” Step Five: Give permission for the child to solve the problem or not. “Good luck. I hope it works out.” Have no fear. If the child is fortunate enough to make a poor choice, he/she may have a double learning lesson.  Imagine that you are an athlete and as your trainer, I’m concerned that you might overexert or injure yourself during training. Each time you show up for a practice session, I do all the exercises and routines. I spare you a lot of sweat and pain, but when it is time for you to perform in a competition, you will discover that you are not prepared. In fact, I have crippled you.
Our children need to gain their own experience, wisdom, strength and confidence through making their own choices. If we make their decisions for them and rescue them when they make mistakes, they will not learn the important skills needed for their future. Of course, as parents we need to be available to encourage, support, guide and challenge our children as they develop these skills. Let’s think for a moment about different parenting styles. Love and Logic Parenting describes three basic parenting styles. The helicopter parent hovers, protects and rescues his/her child from any kind of harm. In doing this, such parents don’t allow their child to fail or make mistakes. Helicopter parents steal the learning opportunities in the name of love. Drill sergeant parents bark orders and expect blind obedience. They can be heard saying, “Do it or else.” This style of parenting often uses punishment as a consequence. Punishment breeds resentment and keeps children from pausing for self-examination of their mistakes. Drill sergeants are great in a battle but difficult as a parenting model. Consultant parents allow their child to experience the natural consequences of their choices. By asking guiding questions and offering suggestions, they help the child find a solution and own the problem. Instead of telling them what to do, consultant parents help establish time frames and guidelines within which to work, allowing the child to be responsible. Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem, a prerequisite for achievement and happiness in the real world. Consultant parents have discovered that it is key to model the kinds of characteristics that they want their children to inherit. God gave each of us considerable freedom and that includes making mistakes. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. The older the child gets, the bigger the decisions become and the graver the consequences of those decisions. It is wise to allow our children to make many mistakes when they are young and the consequences are “affordable.” As painful as it is to stand by and allow our children to learn through the natural consequences of their choices, this is the price that we must pay in raising responsible children who grow into amazing young adults.  As we begin 2019, I would like to offer a series of article about gifts that we can give our children. For some of these gifts, you will see immediate evidence in your relationship with your child. For other gifts, the impact may not show up until far into the future.
Empathy opens our children’s mind to learning. When we emphasize with the challenge or mistake that our child is facing, we create a supportive connection. Sincere empathy expressing our sadness and sorrow works wonders. It allows the parent to remain the “good guy” and the poor choice the child made to be the “bad guy. If we respond to our child’s mistakes with anger, lectures, warnings or sarcasm, it creates a fight-or-flight response. There are two parts to the human brain: frontal cortex where thinking, reasoning and impulse-control happen and the brain stem which is responsible for our basic survival and the “fight-or-flight” response. When we deliver consequences with anger, children’s brains go into “survival” mode rather than “learning” mode. “Fight or flight” response exists in all of us and is a basic part of our survival. Children in flight mode are thinking more about how to escape or maybe how to get revenge. Anger backfires every time and short-circuits learning. Therefore, responding with empathy prevents fight or flight and allows children to learn from their mistakes. The child has a harder time blaming their parent for the problem and is forced to look inside to learn from the consequence of his poor choice. When we use empathy, we allow our child’s reasoning brain to turn on. It promotes the development of a healthy voice or conscience that can ask, “How will this decision impact my life? Which choice is wiser?” As parents, we can give our child the gift of empathy by turning mistakes or misbehaviors into a learning opportunity. By giving a strong dose of sadness or empathy before delivering a consequence, we allow our child to gain wisdom from the consequence instead of having a meltdown of anger, frustration or resentment. Empathy maintains lifelong loving relationships. |