 Are cell phones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones can also be harmful when used during family time! When you text and drive, the harm can be imminent. The risk of texting during family gatherings is cumulative, as it can gradually erode relationships.
Our lives are busy juggling work, school, family, extra-curricular activities, and more. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day that everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with those at our dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. If I use a phone at the dinner table, I send the message to my family, “You are so not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” More importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. When we model conversation skills, our table manners can become theirs. Technology can be a great tool to create connections. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite—it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time and becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family times, the impact can be enormous. We can become strangers to each other. Having some guidelines or rules about cell phones are important. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
 I was recently interviewed on FamVestor Podcast, by Sunny and Sunmarie Burns. Check out my interview and the many other valuable resources that they offer.
www.famvestor.com/051 (audio only) youtu.be/oq148Oqz9Ag (video) www.famvestor.com/ (website)  A young preschooler was trying to get his mother’s attention as she scrolled through social media sites on her phone. After trying repeatedly to get her attention, the young boy finally put his hands on either side of her face. Moving her face towards him, he said, “Mommy, I need you to listen to me with your whole face.”
This mother was participating in an experiment organized by ABC News. In May of 2019, the network spent six months traveling the country and talking to families, teachers, doctors and even tech insiders to put together a two-hour special about how screen time is affecting us and what we can do about it. The project was headed up and hosted by Diane Sawyer. You can watch several short reports about what Ms. Sawyer discovered. I would like to first mention a shocking fact that I learned from this report by asking you a question? Do you know how many times a day you look at your phone? If you're like the average American, you unlock your phone around 80 times a day which adds up to about 49 days out of the year! If you think, “That can’t be right, that’s impossible,” at the end of this article you will find resources to help you monitor the screen time usage of yourself and your family. During the six-month experiment, ABC News ran screen time experiments to see how young children reacted when their parent was distracted by his or her phone. Even though the parents were instructed to ignore the young child for only two minutes, most children got upset, cried or withdrew after less than 30 seconds. Watch a sample here. www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7_2K9E2m-w In another video report, a brave family invited ABC News to come into their home and monitor their device usage for 30 weekend hours. The family was stunned to learn how much time they had spent on their phones and other devices. The good news is that they walked away from the experience with some steps to help make better choices as a family: 1) have a family meeting to discuss what they learned, 2) plan a family outdoor adventure and 3) embrace technology as a way to connect with each other through the day. www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqeOWatgN9w&list=PLQOa26lW-uI-pNs2w7ie09BET5LY_xDOF If this issue is a challenge that your family faces or you want to be more aware for the future, there are tools available to help you monitor your own screen time as well as that of your family members. Remember, it is important as a parent that we lead by example. Check out these websites or find other options online. Getting buy in from your kids is key and might include some kind of family discussion or even a challenge to find out what your family’s devise usage really looks like! Here are eleven apps that help you monitor/reduce your screen time: www.theladders.com/career-advice/11-apps-that-will-help-you-reduce-your-screen-time Apps to help parents: www.parents.com/kids/safety/internet/best-apps-for-parents-to-monitor-and-limit-screen-time/ Today, our children need our attention and presence more than ever. Making time to connect is a challenge for most families in our rapidly changing world. Navigating phones and other media devises are just one of many issues parents face today. It is important to remember that despite all the technological advances we have seen in the past 20 years, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their growing children. Building relationships with our kids takes time, investment, patience and presence.  According to the most recent market research to sharpen your brain, we should be taking fish oil supplements, use turmeric, do exercise and puzzle books and invest in a language course. But SURPRISE—the easiest, cheapest and most time-tested method is…READING!
It’s summer and any teacher will tell you that summer reading is critical for students to retain knowledge and skills learned in the previous school year. Students who don't read are at risk of falling behind their classmates. Parents and teachers can avoid this by making sure kids take time to read. Suggestions on how to help this to happen in your home to follow. The very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better. “Typically, when you read, you have more time to think,” says Maryanne Wolf, EDD, director of the UCLA Center for Dyslexia, Diverse Learners, and Social Justice. “Reading gives you a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. By and large, with oral language— when you watch a film or listen to a tape—you don’t press pause.” What if you are (or someone you know is) a poor, or even a dyslexic, reader who feels as if you’ll never be able to read enough to reap these benefits? A book can fix that problem too! Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University studied children ages eight to ten who were below-average readers. One hundred hours of remedial reading classes significantly improved the quality of their brains’ white matter—the tissue that carries signals between areas of gray matter, where information is processed. The researchers’ conclusion: The brains of these children had begun to rewire themselves in ways that could benefit the entire brain, not only the reading-centric temporal cortex. (Reader’s Digest, March 2019) So, what can you do as a parent to encourage reading in your home?
“Reading fiction not only develops our imagination and creativity, it gives us the skills to be alone. It gives us the ability to feel empathy for people we've never met, living lives we couldn't possibly experience for ourselves, because the book puts us inside the character's skin.” Ann Patchett  Just imagine that an alien suddenly dropped into our world to find out what our society thinks about sex. He’d observe how sex is presented in the TV shows we watch, the movies we go to see, the magazines and books we read, and what we look at on our computer screens and smartphones. Maybe he’d go to a high school and sit in on a sex education class to learn what kids are taught about sex. It’s not hard to figure out what his conclusions would be. He’d assume that everyone’s ‘doing it,’ that there aren’t any consequences (or none that anyone worries about ahead of time), that it’s apparently enjoyable but not meaningful, that marriage has nothing to do with it (if he’d even come across the concept of marriage), that there’s no moral component (if he’d come across the concept of morality), and that there’s no connection between sex and planning a family. Marcia Segelstein
In her new book, “Don’t Let the Culture Raise Your Kids,” Marcia Segelstein shows us how today’s parents need a different parenting plan than in the past. Written with the journalistic thoroughness she honed for many years covering family issues as a columnist and producer for CBS, Ms. Segelstein sheds light on the issues and trends that justifiably cause parents to be concerned for the health, safety and spiritual well-being of their kids. She does an incredible job of demonstrating, from studies and various anecdotes, that the influence of parents over their children tends to be limited in our current society. As the influence of parents decreases, the influence of the culture increases. Through the book, Segelstein highlights five major cultural influences (school, media, sex, pornography, and consumerism), shows the impact these influences have on our children, and highlights ways that parents can take back the role as influencers in a positive way. The first chapter, "The Critical Role of Parents" is an amazing reframing of what it means to be a parent, a welcome shift from the modern approach. Ms Segelstein states, "If we want our children to follow us, instead of the culture, we need to gain their respect. We need our children to listen to us and to trust us so that ours are the values they embrace and ours are the voices they heed She further asserts that our first task is to become confident, authoritative parents. This does not mean stern and rigid but rather parents who provide love and limits. Quoting Dr. Jane Anderson, a Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California San Francisco, Ms. Segelstein says that, “These are parents who provide rules and standards…for their children…they’re nurturing, responsive and loving. I call them the nurturing, loving, rule-setting parents.” The chapter on the media is a hugely important wake up call for our media dependent culture--especially when connected to the later chapter on pornography, an issue which I believe parents need to be extremely aware. The use of cell phones, computers and other forms of media has become the leading activity for children and teens other than sleeping. “Don’t Let the Culture Raise Your Kids” gives parents support in making some family rules and managing this huge influence on our children. Written from the Christian perspective, Ms. Segelstein draws on her experience as a Catholic, her years of writing for the National Catholic Register, the “Family Time” segments that she produced for CBS This Morning as well as her own experience as a mother. Parents of all backgrounds can find valuable resources and information in this book. Each chapter includes a section of Solutions, Tips & Tools with many resources and suggestions. I especially resonate with the ones presented in the first chapter as they are foundational components of creating a happy family that I recommend in my weekly blogs and webinars. These include having rules about manners and respect, establishing rituals, family dinners, chores (which are contributions to the family), creating a family mission statement, and weekly family meetings. I highly recommend this book for parents and grandparents of children birth through high school. It is eye-opening, at times confronting and scary but also provides a wealth of information and tools. Thomas Lickona, author, psychologist and education professor said it best, "This book is a godsend for families of faith, but it’s also for everyone who cares about kids and wants to learn more about how to deal with the very real threats to their hearts, minds, and souls from the world they now how to grow up in. Consider it for a book study in your church, school, or community—and offer a copy to your pastor." To order on Amazon, click here: tinyurl.com/yy8oxues  Josh Shipp, author, global youth empowerment expert, speaker and former at-risk foster kid says that every kid is one caring adult away from being a success story. To hear about his own powerful experience with an adult who cared about him and helped him change the course of his life, click here joshshipp.com/oca-lp/. I believe that Josh has some solid advice for parents navigating the often bumpy road of raising healthy, happy children and youth.
As parents, we know one of the challenges that we face in helping our youth navigate healthy boundaries is the cell phones. The question isn’t really a matter of “if” my child will have a cell phone but “when.” For all of us, the goal is to become a well-rounded person who can coexist with technology, not be ruled by it. And of course, as parents, we need to model this and help our kids as well. If you are feeling more than a little freaked out about this, you are not alone. After all, with any smart phone, kids have at their fingertips all that the internet provides including social media, cyberbullying, porn, creepy strangers and more! However, as parents, we cannot let fear rule our decisions. We need to remember, Josh Shipp says, that our kids are good people who we love and trust most of the time. What we need to do is empower them to make responsible decisions and to help them understand that a cell phone, like all privileges, is a responsibility. He has created a cell phone contract to support parents in having conversations and making guidelines with their youth cell phone use and responsibility. Josh says, “Self control is like a muscle that can be strengthened and improved. Technology is a great tool to strengthen self-control.” Click here for Josh Shipp’s Teen Cell Phone Contract. joshshipp.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/teenage-cell-phone-agreement.pdf  Are cellphones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones are also dangerous to use while dining! When you text and drive, the harm is imminent. When you text and dine, the harm is cumulative as it gradually erodes relationships.
Today’s life is busy. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day when everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with the closest people, right there with us at the dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. When I use a phone at the dinner table, I send those next to me a message, “You are not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” Most importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. We model conversation skills. Our table manners become theirs. Technology is a great tool to create connection. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite--it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time, becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family meals, the disconnect in our families will grow to the point of no return. We will all become strangers to each other. Here are some solutions that I have tried. What others can you and your family think of to keep the family connected to each other? Solutions:
 By Dr. Charles Fay, Love and Logic Parenting, www.loveandlogic.com
Children who’ve spent their first few years of life being entertained by television, exciting toys with batteries, and well-meaning adults lack critical skills for success in school. That’s the bottom line. Children who have spent years playing in the sandbox, coloring with crayons, chasing butterflies, and stomping around in mud puddles have been given a great gift. The skills they develop through these simple yet important activities foster success from preschool through graduate school. That’s the good news. Unfortunately, too many loving, intelligent, and well-meaning parents have fallen into the trap of believing that “good parents” keep their children entertained and stimulated each and every moment of the day. When they see their children getting “bored,” they quickly intervene with a fun activity or gadget. As a result, their youngsters spend way too much time pushing the buttons on exciting electronic toys, staring at the television, and riding in the car from one activity to another. Sadly, little or no time is left over for running, playing, and being creative. Children who’ve been constantly entertained grow into adults who are constantly bored. Love and Logic parents give their kids an advantage in life by understanding that children need plenty of opportunities to find themselves in a rather dull or “boring” situation. Why? Because these situations encourage youngsters to develop and practice creative ways of entertaining themselves… and exploring the vast and exciting frontiers of imagination and creative problem solving. Where would we be today if Ben Franklin, Albert Einstein or Thomas Edison had grown up believing that it was another’s responsibility to be creative and keep them entertained? Because they know the importance of creative play and exploration, Love and Logic parents have plenty of “Boredom Training Sessions.” As I wrote our book, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave You Speechless, the “Boredom Training Session” follows these steps: Step 1: Plan for providing dull periods in your home. Step 2: Provide plenty of materials and toys that foster creativity. Step 3: Pray that your child will come to you and say "I'm bored." Step 4: Place primary responsibility for solving this "boredom problem" on your child. Step 5: “Notice and describe” when your child is playing independently. “You built that by yourself?” “That book looks really interesting.” “You turned Teddy into a monster.” “I noticed that you made three pictures.” You’ll be amazed at how brightly your child’s eyes will shine when you apply this step! |