 When our child is having a hard time, how we respond will shape the way they see themselves. When we react with harsh words or criticism, they may start to believe they are the problem—that they’re too much to manage, that their feelings don’t matter. Over time, this becomes their inner voice. But here’s the good news: we can break that cycle. By staying calm and showing compassion when your child is upset, you teach them they are never too much for you. You show them that mistakes don’t mean rejection and their big feelings won’t drive love away. 💛This creates a foundation for emotional resilience, helping them navigate their own feelings, set healthy boundaries, and show up for others with empathy and love. Understanding that we are most effective as parents and grandparents when we teach by example, we can see how important it is that our daily life resembles being courteous, grateful, appreciative, and self-responsible. Modeling is one of the most powerful ways that we can parent, including how we deal with challenges and our emotions. Developing manners, respect, consideration, and appreciation towards ourselves and others are habits that need to be practiced and cultivated within our family. The things that we focus on the most are the things that we will do the best. Focusing on positive habits develops habits that contribute to present and future wisdom about healthy relationships. Doing all of this is also the best assurance that we are not raising entitled individuals. A few books that I have found helpful in dealing with emotions and feelings are:
For blogs on what our children need from us at the different developmental stages and family tools to support these needs: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/category/child-development-stages
 Did you know that most of us significantly overestimate our listening abilities? Many of us think that we are good listeners but research indicates that the average person only retains around 50% or less of what they hear in a conversation or lecture. One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. David W. Augsburger, "Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable." Being present to those we love takes effort, especially in the fast-paced world that we live in where:
However, learning to listen with intention is a skill that we can all get better at. Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be learned. More on this in a previous blog--link below. learning-better-ways-to-communicate.html I challenge you to pay attention this week to ways that you can love through listening. Need some more ideas how to get started? Here are some: questions-to-ask-your-child-or-grandchild.html rethinking-family-dinners.html  The world we live in and raise our children and support our grandchildren in is one filled with noise, distractions, and devices. This creates unique challenges in nurturing meaningful connections, especially with the younger generation. It requires intentionality, curiosity, and presence. I ran across an article that underscores how asking open-ended questions can transcend mere small talk and explore topics that ignite curiosity and encourage self-expression in children.
This insightful piece delves into the art of fostering deeper bonds with children and grandchildren through the simple yet profound act of asking great questions. Some of the suggested questions are:
The author, Marie Holmes, is the parenting reporter at HuffPost. She says, "More important than the question that gets them talking is how well you listen once you get them started." Read the whole article and see all fifty questions here: www.huffpost.com/entry/great-questions-grandchildren_l_6616a4a8e4b02edf2008d53d Want to improve your family's communication? Print out this list of conversation starters, cut them into strips, fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children or grandchildren.) Over dinner, at a family meeting or on a car ride have someone pull out one of the questions. Everyone can answer the same question or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start talking. tinyurl.com/conversation-starters Have you ever done any embroidery? It starts with putting the material into a hoop or frame to keep it taut, making it easier to work with. A pattern provides a diagram to the various stitches that eventually create a picture or a pattern. I've done my share of pillowcase designs and a wall hanging for my mother-in-law. When I was teaching kindergarten, my students stitched their initials on some colorful canvas with supervision from me, of course. Over the years, I learned some important tips that also serve as life lessons.
Previously, I have written several past blogs about effective ways of communicating with our children. Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do such as, "I listen to people who talk to me in a calm and respectful manner" or "I drive kids to soccer practice/the mall/their friends’ house who have finished their chores." It is about replacing threats and warnings with simple action and turning your words into gold. You can read more about Enforceable Statements here: enforceable-statements.html
Another tool that I highly recommend is learning to use guiding questions instead of trying to tell your child what to do. This approach is effective because it empowers the child or youth to begin to solve their own problems, it creates cooperation instead of resistance, it develops self-efficacy and ownership, and it shares control with the child. More about learning to share control here: sharing-control-through-choices.html and gifts-we-can-give-our-children-sharing-control.html I'd like to give you a few examples of how to use guiding questions. Mom and four-year-old Alex are getting ready to leave the home for school and work. Below is their conversation through which Mom was able to help Alex think through his choices and arrive at the best one without getting upset or having Mom make it for him. Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on, and we must go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.” Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.” Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.” “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.” Alex; “Great” Mom: “How do you think they’ll work when you go outside for recess?” Alex: “Oh” (He thinks about this for a bit. His mom is quiet and doesn’t say a word, giving Alex time to think.” “I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?” Mom: “Sure, honey. Car leaves in four minutes.” Another scenario could go like this: Fifteen-year-old Holly once again left the kitchen a mess after several conversations about cleaning up after herself. Holly had agreed to do this each morning before going to school. Mom: "You didn’t clean the kitchen before school this morning." Holly: "I couldn’t help it. I started cleaning, but I didn’t have time to finish before we had to leave for school." Mom: "What time did you get up this morning?" Holly: "Seven." Mom: "Who made you get up at that time?" Holly: "Nobody." Mom: "So you chose to get up at seven, is that right?" Holly: "Yes." Mom: "Then you could have chosen to get up earlier—at 6:30 am, for example—and cleaned the kitchen." Holly: "But I was up late last night?" Mom: "And whose choice was that?" Holly: "Okay, I get the point." It is important to note that both Alex and Holly could listen to their moms because they had a foundation of love and the parents weren't angry or upset. Children need to be loved and taught to understand choices and responsibility and guiding questions are a great tool to support this process.  Are you aware that children who know details about their family history--where their parents and grandparents grew up, how they overcame difficulties, what their hopes and dreams were as a child or teenager, where certain family traditions came from, how their parents and grandparents met, what their first car or house was like--are emotionally healthier and happier? Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush developed the “Do You Know…?” scale, sometimes called “The 20 Questions,” that tap into different kinds of family stories. The questions were designed as a starting point for sharing family stories and the result was that knowing about one's family history gave rootedness in something bigger than themselves. The process of families sharing stories about their lives provides bedrock upon which to build our own future. The links at the bottom of this blog give more details about the research.
As a child, I remember visiting my mother's parents in Doylestown, PA where my grandfather had a shoe store. My mother told me that in the beginning, my grandfather would buy shoes in Philadelphia and sell them out of the trunk of his car before he opened a store. I was impressed with his entrepreneurship! My father, as the youngest of ten children, became his family's historian and has authored several books that provide a rich history of where I come from. As a teenager, I enjoyed wearing bib overalls, much to the amusement of my father. I learned that he was eager to put wearing bib overalls behind him when he entered high school. As the youngest son of a farmer, it was a practical thing to wear and often, the clothes were handed down because times were hard during WW2. Whether you are a parent or a grandparent or even a beloved uncle or aunt, the children in your lives need to hear stories of where they came from. Below are some questions to get you started in the family tradition of telling your stories.
Resources: Dr. Marshall Duke at Emory University: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jE_oaW-ezc Dr. Robyn Fivush: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-stories-our-lives/201611/the-do-you-know-20-questions-about-family-stories 
There are many ways to do this that do not involve dinner. Be creative and rethink the ritual!
In The Secrets of Happy Families, author Bruce Feiler shares a very cool “10-50-1 formula” for improving your family meals. Here is what it means:
 Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be taught.
It isn’t instinctive to slow down and take the steps necessary to really understand another person. It begins with being present to my partner, my child, friend, or co-worker. Creating connections is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives. Connection is the foundation for communication and for experiencing the greatest joy within our relationships. We can learn to listen to understand, and experience being truly heard as well. In the process, we can experience a greater sense of connection and belonging with others. I have experienced this through Safe Conversations® which was co-created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. They’ve taken their experience working with couples for 40+ years and simplified best practices so all relationships can have greater connection, understanding, empathy and respect. When I first attended a Safe Conversations® workshop:
Beginning with the understanding that differences of opinions and choices in life are inevitable, we can learn to better navigate our relationships with our partner, our children, parents, friends and more. Accept that the person you’re talking with has triggers just like you do and that you can choose not to pull those triggers. Accept that conflict is inevitable, but how we manage it makes all the difference. Learning to use this structured dialogue process enabled me to have honest authentic conversations and connect more deeply with my husband, sons and other family members and friends. When I discovered that my frustrations were really wishes in disguise, I could change my focus from what I didn’t have into what I wanted and desired. My personal experience with Safe Conversations® leads me to become a trained facilitator, teaching the process in workshops and coaching sessions. Consider experiencing this amazing process for yourself. I invite you to join the three hour online webinar Saturday, April 29 from 9 am to 12 noon PT/12--3 pm ET. Join with a family member and learn to create greater connection and understanding. For more information and to register: Create Connection in Relationships Take a look at this two minute testimony of a Safe Conversations' facilitator and her father on how it changed their relationship: youtu.be/4m9xgXuKCB8  Later this month, many of us will be sitting down to enjoy Thanksgiving meal with family and friends. Dinner conversations in homes across the country will begin with the ritual of going around the table to share what each is thankful for and why. This is a wonderful and meaningful ritual to have, but how many of us limit this ritual to this one special day when we are gathered around a turkey dinner with all the trimmings? Giving thanks and showing appreciation is an art and one that needs to be worked on daily. It is a habit that we need to develop and practice and then, pay forward the art of gratitude to those around us. Many of us struggle to remember gratitude when life is challenging. Parents say: “I tell my kids to appreciate what they have-that there are a lot of other children in the world that don’t have what they have. But they don’t seem to get it AND they take everything I do for them and what I give to them for granted!” So I propose that this November, we have a gratitude challenge, finding ways to be grateful and appreciative what we have. Perhaps, it would work best if you have a family meeting to present the idea and see what ideas your kids have. Here are five suggestions to get you started: 1- Express, share and model your own gratitude. Express gratitude for what we often take for granted--having a roof over our head at night or food on the table—when your children are present. Doing this allows us to become mindful of life’s daily blessings and to shift our focus to the blessings instead of complaints. The more we share our gratitude for life’s simple pleasures each day, the more our children will naturally discover their own reasons to be grateful and learn to express their gratitude, too! 2- Appreciate your children. Here are some ways you can express gratitude to your children beginning today!
Showing and expressing our appreciation to our children is a gift that will keep on giving. Imagine the sheer joy of your children feeling appreciated and then imagine and savor in how much more cooperative your children will be. Now that is something, we can all be grateful for! 3- Give your children chores. Chores are contributions to the family and make the family work better. We all need to be needed, especially our children. Through helping, not only will your children learn that the family runs more effortlessly and efficiently but they will learn to understand that consistent work and effort is required to accomplish tasks (clean dishes do not miraculously appear on the table each night) and that their effort is appreciated. The more your children feel appreciated, the more they will be willing to help. An important note is that children should not be paid for these regular contributions. Otherwise, they are hired help. Of course, you can have a list of additional chores that you are willing to pay them to complete 4- Teach the value of patience and hard work. There was a time that children would dream and brainstorm how they could earn the newest pair of sneakers or the latest hi-tech gadget. Today, a common complaint is that children have an increased sense of entitlement. It is important to keep in mind that their lack of appreciation is being fueled by parents and others catering to their every desire without sacrifice of any kind. And then we become resentful that our children do not show appreciation and act like spoiled brats. We have robbed our children of the excitement of dreaming and of the understanding of what it means to wait and to even work for something that is out of their immediate reach. Brainstorm with your children on ways they can earn what they want. Helping our children learn to work and to wait for life’s treasures by focusing on needs vs. wants will cultivate a stronger sense of internal gratitude and increased feelings of happiness. Being patient while waiting and working towards a goal helps to create a sense of appreciation for what we have and don’t have. 5- Give back to others. Look for opportunities to help others as a family and talk about ways to help others in daily life. Talk about the saying, “to give is better than to receive” and ask your children what they think it means. Have a challenge for a week to see how many people each person can help and talk about it over dinner. To give to others is powerful but we must provide our children with opportunities to be selfless and to give back to others. What opportunities will you give your children this holiday season to give back? What ways does your community offer to get involved?   Imagine that you have in front of you two glasses of clear, refreshing water. Then, I come along and put a few drops of contaminated, sewage water into one of them. Would you take a drink of that glass? Even though I put in only a small amount, it is highly unlikely that you would drink out of the one that is polluted.
When we allow criticism, negativity, and put-downs to be part of our family culture, like that contaminated water, it taints our relationships. There are steps that can help us work towards having less negativity in our families.
It might be necessary to practice/role play this in a family meeting. Ask for volunteers or volunteer yourself. Try a having a Zero Negativity Day and include sharing three appreciations or affirmations with family members. Talk about how it went: Was it hard to not use negativity? What did each family member realize about their own habits? How can you help each other continue to decrease negativity in your family? This concept comes from my training as a Safe Conversation facilitator. For more on this subject, check out two previous blogs: learning-to-have-safe-conversations.html steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html |
