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Tell Your Story!

6/15/2023

 
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Are you aware that children who know details about their family history--where their parents and grandparents grew up, how they overcame difficulties, what their hopes and dreams were as a child or teenager, where certain family traditions came from, how their parents and grandparents met, what their first car or house was like--are emotionally healthier and happier? Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush developed the “Do You Know…?” scale, sometimes called “The 20 Questions,” that tap into different kinds of family stories. The questions were designed as a starting point for sharing family stories and the result was that knowing about one's family history gave rootedness in something bigger than themselves. The process of families sharing stories about their lives provides bedrock upon which to build our own future. The links at the bottom of this blog give more details about the research.

As a child, I remember visiting my mother's parents in Doylestown, PA where my grandfather had a shoe store. My mother told me that in the beginning, my grandfather would buy shoes in Philadelphia and sell them out of the trunk of his car before he opened a store. I was impressed with his entrepreneurship! My father, as the youngest of ten children, became his family's historian and has authored several books that provide a rich history of where I come from. As a teenager, I enjoyed wearing bib overalls, much to the amusement of my father. I learned that he was eager to put wearing bib overalls behind him when he entered high school. As the youngest son of a farmer, it was a practical thing to wear and often, the clothes were handed down because times were hard during WW2. 

Whether you are a parent or a grandparent or even a beloved uncle or aunt, the children in your lives need to hear stories of where they came from.  Below are some questions to get you started in the family tradition of telling your stories.

  • Do you know how your parents met?
  • What traditions did they have growing up?
  • What was their first job?
  • What was their favorite vacation?
  • What were they doing/where were they living when you were born?
  • Why did they choose your name for you?
  • Where did your grandparents meet?
  • What kind of work did they do?
  • What kind of car did they drive?
  • Who in the family do you most look like?

Resources:
Dr. Marshall Duke at Emory University: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jE_oaW-ezc
Dr. Robyn Fivush:  www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-stories-our-lives/201611/the-do-you-know-20-questions-about-family-stories

Rethinking Family Dinners

6/4/2023

 
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  • Most likely, you have heard research that shows that children who eat dinner with their families have healthier diets, better manners, larger vocabulary, and higher self-esteem. They are also less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, and develop eating disorders. But it turns out that it isn't about the dinner--it is about building relationships and strengthening connection within the family.

There are many ways to do this that do not involve dinner. Be creative and rethink the ritual!
  • Can't get everyone together at dinner? Gather at 8 pm for dessert, a bedtime snack or just to share about the day.
  • Weekdays too busy? Aim for a weekend. One family with adult married children and grandchild get together for a family breakfast once a month. This can be at someone's house, and it is a potluck, or it could be at a restaurant.
  • Don't have time to cook? Try Leftover Mondays, Chinese Takeout Tuesdays, or breakfast for dinner.
  • How about a Sunday lunch after church? Put something in the crockpot, throw together a salad and enjoy hanging out together.

In The Secrets of Happy Families, author Bruce Feiler shares a very cool “10-50-1 formula” for improving your family meals. Here is what it means:
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  • 10 – Aim for ten minutes of quality talk per meal: usually, our conversations at the table are mostly about food and getting everyone fed (especially with small children): “Could I have more water please?” or “Mama, Max took my tomato!”. The quality talk involves reflecting on the day, talking about a topic, telling stories, sharing dreams and concerns and so on. That may sound like a time-consuming task, but according to research, ten minutes of substantial conversation is enough for mental and emotional benefits. So even if you are in a rush, you can do it.
  • 50 – Let your kids speak at least half of the time: adults usually use up most of the ten minutes talking. But the whole point is to socialize with your children. So let them talk for half of the time. You can also practice your listening skills.
  • 1 – Teach your kids one new word at every meal: “a large vocabulary is a great boost in life” – states Bruce Feiler. Children with large vocabulary perform better at school and succeed in life. Watch this TED talk by Dr Brenda Fitzerald on her fascinating research on this topic! www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8qc8Aa3weE



Learning Better Ways to Communicate

4/12/2023

 
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Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be taught.

It isn’t instinctive to slow down and take the steps necessary to really understand another person. It begins with being present to my partner, my child, friend, or co-worker. Creating connections is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives. Connection is the foundation for communication and for experiencing the greatest joy within our relationships.

We can learn to listen to understand, and experience being truly heard as well. In the process, we can experience a greater sense of connection and belonging with others. I have experienced this through Safe Conversations® which was co-created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. They’ve taken their experience working with couples for 40+ years and simplified best practices so all relationships can have greater connection, understanding, empathy and respect.

When I first attended a Safe Conversations® workshop:
  • I learned that a relationship consists of two people and the space between—their relationship.
  • What I put into that space between myself and my child or my partner--positive energy or negativity and putdowns—impacts our relationship.
  • I discovered just how much negativity I was putting into my relationships through participating in the Zero Negativity Challenge for 30 days.
  • Striving for Zero Negativity was difficult but making this commitment created safety within my relationships and I learned to replace negativity with appreciation which brings gratitude and connection.

​Beginning with the understanding that differences of opinions and choices in life are inevitable, we can learn to better navigate our relationships with our partner, our children, parents, friends and more. Accept that the person you’re talking with has triggers just like you do and that you can choose not to pull those triggers. Accept that conflict is inevitable, but how we manage it makes all the difference.

Learning to use this structured dialogue process enabled me to have honest authentic conversations and connect more deeply with my husband, sons and other family members and friends. When I discovered that my frustrations were really wishes in disguise, I could change my focus from what I didn’t have into what I wanted and desired. My personal experience with Safe Conversations® leads me to become a trained facilitator, teaching the process in workshops and coaching sessions. 

Consider experiencing this amazing process for yourself. I invite you to join the three hour online webinar Saturday, April 29 from 9 am to 12 noon PT/12--3 pm ET. Join with a family member and learn to create greater connection and understanding. For more information and to register:
Create Connection in Relationships

​Take a look at this two minute testimony of a Safe Conversations' facilitator and her father on how it changed their relationship: youtu.be/4m9xgXuKCB8
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Gratitude Challenge

11/1/2022

 
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Later this month, many of us will be sitting down to enjoy Thanksgiving meal with family and friends.  Dinner conversations in homes across the country will begin with the ritual of going around the table to share what each is thankful for and why.

This is a wonderful and meaningful ritual to have, but how many of us limit this ritual to this one special day when we are gathered around a turkey dinner with all the trimmings? Giving thanks and showing appreciation is an art and one that needs to be worked on daily. It is a habit that we need to develop and practice and then, pay forward the art of gratitude to those around us.

Many of us struggle to remember gratitude when life is challenging. Parents say: “I tell my kids to appreciate what they have-that there are a lot of other children in the world that don’t have what they have.  But they don’t seem to get it AND they take everything I do for them and what I give to them for granted!”

So I propose that this November, we have a gratitude challenge, finding ways to be grateful and appreciative what we have. Perhaps, it would work best if you have a family meeting to present the idea and see what ideas your kids have. Here are five suggestions to get you started:
 
1- Express, share and model your own gratitude.  Express gratitude for what we often take for granted--having a roof over our head at night or food on the table—when your children are present. Doing this allows us to become mindful of life’s daily blessings and to shift our focus to the blessings instead of complaints.  The more we share our gratitude for life’s simple pleasures each day, the more our children will naturally discover their own reasons to be grateful and learn to express their gratitude, too!
 
2- Appreciate your children. Here are some ways you can express gratitude to your children beginning today!

  • “Wow, thank you for holding the door open for me!”  
  • “Thank you for your tight hugs!  They make me feel sooo good!” 
  • “I appreciate your willingness to help me rake the leaves.  It certainly makes this more fun when we are doing this together!  Thank you!!” 
  • “Your smiles make my day that much better!  Thank you for being my sunshine today!” 
  • “Thank you for taking the trash out!  Our family works so much better when we all chip in together!” 
  • “I just love how the two of you have played together today.  You became a team when deciding how to build the fort.”
  • Tuck a handwritten note into their lunchbox or on their pillow for gifts that they have given you.
 
Showing and expressing our appreciation to our children is a gift that will keep on giving.  Imagine the sheer joy of your children feeling appreciated and then imagine and savor in how much more cooperative your children will be. Now that is something, we can all be grateful for!
 
3- Give your children chores. Chores are contributions to the family and make the family work better. We all need to be needed, especially our children. Through helping, not only will your children learn that the family runs more effortlessly and efficiently but they will learn to understand that consistent work and effort is required to accomplish tasks (clean dishes do not miraculously appear on the table each night) and that their effort is appreciated. The more your children feel appreciated, the more they will be willing to help.

An important note is that children should not be paid for these regular contributions. Otherwise, they are hired help. Of course, you can have a list of additional chores that you are willing to pay them to complete

4- Teach the value of patience and hard work.  There was a time that children would dream and brainstorm how they could earn the newest pair of sneakers or the latest hi-tech gadget. Today, a common complaint is that children have an increased sense of entitlement. It is important to keep in mind that their lack of appreciation is being fueled by parents and others catering to their every desire without sacrifice of any kind. And then we become resentful that our children do not show appreciation and act like spoiled brats.

We have robbed our children of the excitement of dreaming and of the understanding of what it means to wait and to even work for something that is out of their immediate reach.  Brainstorm with your children on ways they can earn what they want.

​Helping our children learn to work and to wait for life’s treasures by focusing on needs vs. wants will cultivate a stronger sense of internal gratitude and increased feelings of happiness. Being patient while waiting and working towards a goal helps to create a sense of appreciation for what we have and don’t have. 
 
5- Give back to others. Look for opportunities to help others as a family and talk about ways to help others in daily life. Talk about the saying, “to give is better than to receive” and ask your children what they think it means. Have a challenge for a week to see how many people each person can help and talk about it over dinner. To give to others is powerful but we must provide our children with opportunities to be selfless and to give back to others.  What opportunities will you give your children this holiday season to give back?  What ways does your community offer to get involved?
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The Impact of Negativity

10/24/2022

 
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Imagine that you have in front of you two glasses of clear, refreshing water. Then, I come along and put a few drops of contaminated, sewage water into one of them. Would you take a drink of that glass? Even though I put in only a small amount, it is highly unlikely that you would drink out of the one that is polluted.
                                            
When we allow criticism, negativity, and put-downs to be part of our family culture, like that contaminated water, it taints our relationships. There are steps that can help us work towards having less negativity in our families.

  1. First of all, we need to remember that connection is the essence of all thriving relationships and all forms of criticism and negativity break that connection.
  2. Second, we need to realize that something can be perceived as negative even if that isn't our intention. The other person is the judge. If they say it was negative, we need to believe that they experienced it as negative! Negativity can be expressed through words, a tone of voice, or an eye roll that communicates criticism, shame, or blame. It may be intentional or accidental. But in all cases, a “put down” ruptures connection. 
  3. The key to obtaining healthy relationships is working towards communication with zero negativity. In the absence of negative energy, safety, connection, and joy can be restored. So, the next step is to make the decision to work on this as a family. Hold a family meeting. If you need some tips on how to get started, check out this blogposts:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/family-meetings-recipe-for-success
  4. During the family meeting, come up with a code word for your family that signals that someone has experienced negativity. It can be something like: bing, ouch, wow or whatever you decide. The individual who has experienced the put-down or criticism says the word.
  5. Then comes the redo process. This might include taking a break if the individual needs to calm down. The one who experienced the negativity can ask for the other person to restate what they said with no criticism or sarcasm. After that, a reconnecting behavior--a hug, an apology, or a kind note--can help everyone get back on track.
  6. It is important for all family members to begin to get curious about each other rather than being defensive. Learning to ask questions can help:   
  • I wonder why they does he or she think or say that? (ask oneself)
  • I am curious, can you tell me more about .......? (ask another family member)

It might be necessary to practice/role play this in a family meeting. Ask for volunteers or volunteer yourself. Try a having a Zero Negativity Day and include sharing three appreciations or affirmations with family members. Talk about how it went: Was it hard to not use negativity? What did each family member realize about their own habits? How can you help each other continue to decrease negativity in your family?

This concept comes from my training as a Safe Conversation facilitator. For more on this subject, check out two previous blogs:

learning-to-have-safe-conversations.html

steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html




Listening to Understand

8/9/2022

 
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​Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.

I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person.

Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine.

Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. 

Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.
  • Hear: Physically take in the sound. This means that we need to stay focused on the person speaking instead of looking at our phone or tuning them out because we think we know what they’re going to say.
  • Listen: This is a step up from hearing; it means that we bring empathy into the picture and really try to listen to what the other person is saying, all the while considering their perspective. Don’t forget to pay attention to their body language and tone of voice too: they account for 93% of communication!
  • Understand: After we’ve heard someone and listened to them, we need to confirm our understanding of what was said with the other person. Why? Because it’s easy to misinterpret something based on our own assumptions or a mistaken understanding of someone else’s map. By confirming what was said with the other person, we not only demonstrate to them that we’re listening, which is hugely honoring, it also helps us avoid responding based on a mistaken belief.
  • Acknowledge: Let the other person know that we’re present and that we’re paying attention. This can be as simple as nodding or saying, “uh huh” or “go on.” It’s all about showing the other person that we care so we can build rapport and keep the conversation going.

Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:
  • Pick a topic and divide into pairs. Have one person be the listener and the other person shares for 3-5 minutes or less. (With younger children, start with a shorter amount of time.) Come back together as a whole family and have the listener share what their partner told them, seeing how much they can remember. Do a second round switching roles within the pairs.
  • Play the game, "I'm going on a trip and I am taking..." One person begins saying the statement and adding an item that begins with A. The next person says the whole sentences including the A item and adds an item that begins with B. Continue around the family circle repeating the whole sentence and adding a new item that begins with the next letter.
  • Break into pairs and provide one blindfold for each pair. One person puts on the blindfold and the other person guides them through the house or backyard by giving clear verbal directions. Remind everyone before starting that goal is for everyone to be safe (not get hurt) and to communicate clearly.

​For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: 

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between

Touch--The Power to Comfort & Heal

8/1/2022

 
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More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.

It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. 

Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart.

Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak.

The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion.

Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands.

There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative. 

Our Adult Children

7/27/2022

 
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A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”

This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. 

Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.

Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process.

As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. 

With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation.

You are giving a lecture when:
  • You do most of the talking
  • Your voice is raised
  • You sound a little preachy
  • You sound like you are speaking to a child
  • Your statements make you sound superior​

You know you are having a conversation when:
  • You are listening to and reflecting on what the other person says​
  • You engage in a dialogue
  • Your tone and demeanor show respect
  • Your language is free from "you should" statements
  • You have been given permission to speak into the other person's life

Steps to Cultivating Family Communication and Connection--The Space Between

7/17/2022

 
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Ever feel that your family is always on the go and that there is too little time for communication? Or perhaps the arguing, bickering and putdowns in your home seem overwhelming. Whatever the stage of your family's interactions, I would like to introduce you to the concept of the Space Between. As a Safe Conversations® facilitator, I teach a new definition of relationship which is two (or more) people and the space between them. What we put into that space--complaint and negativity or appreciation and understanding--greatly impacts the quality of our relationship with each other. To hear the founders of Safe Conversation®, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly-Hunt, explain more about the Space Between, watch this 6 minute video: 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7pq1KI2KTw

One area of communication that we are usually don't pay enough attention to is listening. Did you know that research shows that we only remember 25% or less of what another person is saying to us? If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time we listen to respond--that is to give our opinion, share our experience or disagree with what the other person has said. To bring empathy into the space between, we need to begin to listen to understand

Want to improve your family’s communication? Start a new tradition in your home. Over a family meal or at a family meeting, say that you would really like to create more appreciation and kindness in the family. Explain the concept of the space between and how it impacts the way that the family interacts. Print out the list of conversation starters at the link below and cut them into strips.
tinyurl.com/conversation-starters

Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children, etc.) Fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Have someone pull out a question to begin. Everyone can answer the same question, or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start changing your family's culture. If you have never held a family meeting, refer to this previous blogpost: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority

Another activity that works great for families for whom everyone is old enough to read and write begins by gathering everyone, giving them a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Tell each family member to print their name in the middle of the paper. Then, tell everyone that this is an opportunity to express the things that they appreciate about each other. When everyone is ready, tell them to pass the paper to the right and begin. Each family member writes something that they appreciate about the person whose name is on the paper. Give enough time each round for each person to write--usually a minute is good. Having everyone work in silence is also a way to support the atmosphere; play some beautiful music in the background.

​Keep passing the papers until everyone gets their own paper back and has a chance to read over what has been written. If anyone wants to read theirs aloud or express what they feel after reading it, do so. This is a terrific opportunity to give a voice to that which often goes unspoken.

​Both of these activities can be adapted to be used with adult children and even grandchildren. Whether it is one-on-one or at the next family get-together, we have the opportunity to impact the space between.

Enforceable Statements

4/12/2022

 
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A highly effective tool that I teach to parents is the Enforceable Statement, also known as Turning Your Words to Gold. If you are like most parents, you find yourself telling your child things like, “Sit down,” “Be Quiet,” “Hurry up,” or “Brush your teeth right now.” The problem with these statements is that you are telling them to do something that you cannot control. Children quickly learn to test, push our buttons, and even win battles. Every time we tell our child to do something that we cannot enforce, we give away some of our power and a lot of our credibility.

Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do. An enforceable statement might sound like this:
  • “Breakfast will be on the table for the next 15 minutes.” (Or until the timer rings for a young child.)
  •  “I listen to people who do not yell at me.”
  • “I give dessert/treats to children who protect their teeth by brushing.”
  • “We will leave for school/the park/your friend’s as soon as you have your coat and shoes on. Would you like to do it by yourself or would you like help?”
  • “Feel free to go out back and play as soon as your homework is finished.”
  •  “You may join us on the couch as long as you keep your hands to yourself.”

Another way to think about the effectiveness of enforceable statements is that we are using words that help our child think about what is being communicated; we are using thinking words instead of fighting words. Some examples are:
  • Fighting words: “Don’t talk to me like that!”
  • Thinking words: “You sound upset. I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine.”
  • Fighting words: “Quit fighting and treat each other nicely.”
  • Thinking words: “You are welcome to come back as soon as the two of you work out the issue.”
  • Fighting words: “I want that lawn cut now.”
  • Thinking words: “I’ll be happy to take you to your soccer game as soon as the lawn mowing is finished.”
Enforceable statements partner with sharing control as I discussed in a previous blog post: gifts-we-can-give-our-children-sharing-control.html. Control is a basic human need. All of us fight to gain power and feel in control of our lives.

Check out the new 7 week series based on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future. Beginning in May, this will support parents of all ages.  7 Gifts Webinar
​

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