Imagine that you have in front of you two glasses of clear, refreshing water. Then, I come along and put a few drops of contaminated, sewage water into one of them. Would you take a drink of that glass? Even though I put in only a small amount, it is highly unlikely that you would drink out of the one that is polluted.
                                            
When we allow criticism, negativity, and put-downs to be part of our family culture, like that contaminated water, it taints our relationships. There are steps that can help us work towards having less negativity in our families.

1. First of all, we need to remember that connection is the essence of all thriving relationships and all forms of criticism and negativity break that connection.
2. Second, we need to realize that something can be perceived as negative even if that isn't our intention. The other person is the judge. If they say it was negative, we need to believe that they experienced it as negative! Negativity can be expressed through words, a tone of voice, or an eye roll that communicates criticism, shame, or blame. It may be intentional or accidental. But in all cases, a “put down” ruptures connection. 
3. The key to obtaining healthy relationships is working towards communication with zero negativity. In the absence of negative energy, safety, connection, and joy can be restored. So, the next step is to make the decision to work on this as a family. Hold a family meeting. If you need some tips on how to get started, check out this blogposts:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/family-meetings-recipe-for-success
4. During the family meeting, come up with a code word for your family that signals that someone has experienced negativity. It can be something like: bing, ouch, wow or whatever you decide. The individual who has experienced the put-down or criticism says the word.
5. Then comes the redo process. This might include taking a break if the individual needs to calm down. The one who experienced the negativity can ask for the other person to restate what they said with no criticism or sarcasm. After that, a reconnecting behavior--a hug, an apology, or a kind note--can help everyone get back on track.
6. It is important for all family members to begin to get curious about each other rather than being defensive. Learning to ask questions can help:   

• I wonder why they does he or she think or say that? (ask oneself)
• I am curious, can you tell me more about .......? (ask another family member)

It might be necessary to practice/role play this in a family meeting. Ask for volunteers or volunteer yourself. Try a having a Zero Negativity Day and include sharing three appreciations or affirmations with family members. Talk about how it went: Was it hard to not use negativity? What did each family member realize about their own habits? How can you help each other continue to decrease negativity in your family?

This concept comes from my training as a Safe Conversation facilitator. For more on this subject, check out two previous blogs:

learning-to-have-safe-conversations.html

steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html

​Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.

I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person.

Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine.

Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. 

Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.

• Hear: Physically take in the sound. This means that we need to stay focused on the person speaking instead of looking at our phone or tuning them out because we think we know what they’re going to say.
• Listen: This is a step up from hearing; it means that we bring empathy into the picture and really try to listen to what the other person is saying, all the while considering their perspective. Don’t forget to pay attention to their body language and tone of voice too: they account for 93% of communication!
• Understand: After we’ve heard someone and listened to them, we need to confirm our understanding of what was said with the other person. Why? Because it’s easy to misinterpret something based on our own assumptions or a mistaken understanding of someone else’s map. By confirming what was said with the other person, we not only demonstrate to them that we’re listening, which is hugely honoring, it also helps us avoid responding based on a mistaken belief.
• Acknowledge: Let the other person know that we’re present and that we’re paying attention. This can be as simple as nodding or saying, “uh huh” or “go on.” It’s all about showing the other person that we care so we can build rapport and keep the conversation going.

Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:

• Pick a topic and divide into pairs. Have one person be the listener and the other person shares for 3-5 minutes or less. (With younger children, start with a shorter amount of time.) Come back together as a whole family and have the listener share what their partner told them, seeing how much they can remember. Do a second round switching roles within the pairs.
• Play the game, "I'm going on a trip and I am taking..." One person begins saying the statement and adding an item that begins with A. The next person says the whole sentences including the A item and adds an item that begins with B. Continue around the family circle repeating the whole sentence and adding a new item that begins with the next letter.
• Break into pairs and provide one blindfold for each pair. One person puts on the blindfold and the other person guides them through the house or backyard by giving clear verbal directions. Remind everyone before starting that goal is for everyone to be safe (not get hurt) and to communicate clearly.

​For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: 

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between

More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.

It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. 

Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart.

Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak.

The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion.

Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands.

There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative. 

A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”

This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. 

Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.

Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process.

As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. 

With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation.

You are giving a lecture when:

• You do most of the talking
• Your voice is raised
• You sound a little preachy
• You sound like you are speaking to a child
• Your statements make you sound superior​

You know you are having a conversation when:

• You are listening to and reflecting on what the other person says​
• You engage in a dialogue
• Your tone and demeanor show respect
• Your language is free from "you should" statements
• You have been given permission to speak into the other person's life

Ever feel that your family is always on the go and that there is too little time for communication? Or perhaps the arguing, bickering and putdowns in your home seem overwhelming. Whatever the stage of your family's interactions, I would like to introduce you to the concept of the Space Between. As a Safe Conversations® facilitator, I teach a new definition of relationship which is two (or more) people and the space between them. What we put into that space--complaint and negativity or appreciation and understanding--greatly impacts the quality of our relationship with each other. To hear the founders of Safe Conversation®, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly-Hunt, explain more about the Space Between, watch this 6 minute video: 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7pq1KI2KTw

One area of communication that we are usually don't pay enough attention to is listening. Did you know that research shows that we only remember 25% or less of what another person is saying to us? If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time we listen to respond--that is to give our opinion, share our experience or disagree with what the other person has said. To bring empathy into the space between, we need to begin to listen to understand

Want to improve your family’s communication? Start a new tradition in your home. Over a family meal or at a family meeting, say that you would really like to create more appreciation and kindness in the family. Explain the concept of the space between and how it impacts the way that the family interacts. Print out the list of conversation starters at the link below and cut them into strips.
tinyurl.com/conversation-starters

Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children, etc.) Fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Have someone pull out a question to begin. Everyone can answer the same question, or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start changing your family's culture. If you have never held a family meeting, refer to this previous blogpost: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority

Another activity that works great for families for whom everyone is old enough to read and write begins by gathering everyone, giving them a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Tell each family member to print their name in the middle of the paper. Then, tell everyone that this is an opportunity to express the things that they appreciate about each other. When everyone is ready, tell them to pass the paper to the right and begin. Each family member writes something that they appreciate about the person whose name is on the paper. Give enough time each round for each person to write--usually a minute is good. Having everyone work in silence is also a way to support the atmosphere; play some beautiful music in the background.

​Keep passing the papers until everyone gets their own paper back and has a chance to read over what has been written. If anyone wants to read theirs aloud or express what they feel after reading it, do so. This is a terrific opportunity to give a voice to that which often goes unspoken.

​Both of these activities can be adapted to be used with adult children and even grandchildren. Whether it is one-on-one or at the next family get-together, we have the opportunity to impact the space between.

​Connecting describes us, it is our true nature. We are meant to feel connected to each other as couples, within families, even in our neighborhoods and communities. When we feel connection, we experience happiness, joy and feeling fulling alive. So why don't we feel wonderful all the time? We experience disconnection from others and we feel separate and sad. We forget the power of feeling connected and we begin to believe the illusion that we are truly alone.

As a certified Safe Conversations facilitator, I begin my workshops with these statements. The reality is that most of us are born into connection with our parents, we feel some kind of disconnect and then we live our lives trying desperate to reconnect. In the 1970s, Dr. Edward Tronick of Harvard University ran a series of experiments called the Still Face Experiments that looked at the power of connection between a parent and child and what happened when it was broken even for a few minutes. Watch a recording of one of the sessions here: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

This video shows us a the distress that a young child goes through when she doesn't feel the connection from her mother for just a short time. However, the reality is that this is a pattern played out over and over in our lives: feeling connected, that connection is disrupted and then, and we strive to reconnect. 

Think about the last time that you had an argument or misunderstanding with someone in your life. If this person is someone that you really care about, chances are that after the disagreement, you felt stressed. Maybe you were angry at the other person for not seeing things from your point of view. But when we experience this rupture in our relationships, we can feel tension in our body, stress in our neck and shoulders and maybe a knot in our stomach. If the disconnect continues, we may experience sadness, depression, lack of energy, little appetite. Or maybe we push the feelings down by overeating, drinking, binging on Netflix or a computer game.

We don't have to get stuck in feeling disconnected from others. One of the reason I love the tool of Safe Conversations is because it teaches us a new way of being in relationships. Learning how to make talking and listening safe is possible and then, so is reconnecting. I'd like to share with you, Rah and her experience with Safe Conversations. 
https://youtu.be/jAUH05vMZbE

Safe Conversations has the power to change the way that you relate to others. I'd like to invite you to join me on Saturday, February 26, 9 am to 1 pm PST to experience it for yourself. During the workshop, you will learn three things:

• Practice One Skill--Safe Conversations: A Structured Dialogue Process
• Make One Decision--Care for the SPACE BETWEEN:  Zero Negativity and Affirmations
• Learn One Idea--How the Past impacts your Present Relationships

​To learn more and find out how to register: 
https://www.coachmyrna.org/safe-conversations.html 
For more on Safe Conversations, visit the website: 
https://safeconversations.com/

Safe Conversations is a process changing relationships around the world.

Each month, I facilitate an online Safe Conversation® workshop. Beginning with the belief that relationship skills can be taught, Safe Conversations® helps us to train our brains to experience a sense of belonging. The process teaches us how to slow down and take steps to more deeply understand another person.  

The 3-step dialogue process empowers us to:

• Talk without criticism
• Listen without judgment 
• And connect beyond differences

Your relationships impact your health, happiness, and the ability to face hard times. The amount of stress in your relationships may currently be at an all-time high. Through this webinar, I will offer you science-based practical steps so you can learn to stay connected even when it feels impossible.

This interactive workshop is designed for individuals and couples. You’ll learn Safe Conversations®, which combines relationship education and brain science in the dialogue process that creates safety so people can connect.

The workshops take place on Zoom and will include teaching, demonstrations, and practice times in breakout rooms. You’ll be able to interact and ask questions. For more information and to find out the next workshop dates, Safe Conversations
​
I look forward to connecting with you.

Myrna Lapres
Family Relationship Coach & Safe Conversation® Facilitator

Recently, my husband and I have been preparing to sell our house in Georgia.  After de-cluttering and a lot of cleaning, our agent was walking through the place with us and making recommendations about possible changes.  She mentioned replacing the chandelier that hangs in our two-story foyer. 

I was thinking, “What’s wrong with the light? It works fine and seems OK to me.” However, my extremely resourceful and handy husband pulled the light over to the second-floor balcony to have a look. He cleaned every inch of the glass and replaced the light bulbs. It was amazing—the chandelier looks the best it ever has and it definitely didn’t need to be replaced!

As I was admiring it that evening, I realized that our experience with the chandelier has applications to our lives.  Sometimes, we get busy with the daily details and forget to pay attention to our relationships with those we love the most. They get dusty and gather cobwebs as we rush to get things done. We miss the precious moments to stop and say a kind word or touch a shoulder because we are so focused on what we need to do. Our connection and our lives lose some of their brightness. And we wonder what happened, how we got here and where the time went.

After many years of research, Dr. Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here;  it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.” 

That connection is what we create when we pay attention to each other and invest in our relationships with our partners, children, parents, grandparents and friends. Even when we are not physically together, we can send a text, share a joke, find time to video chat or write an email.

Currently I am in training to become a Safe Conversations facilitator and the founders, Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD state that a relationship is two (or more) people and the “space between” them. What we put into the space between impacts the quality of our connection. Using a dialogue process, affirmations and a commitment to practicing “zero negativity,” I am learning to support individuals as they deepen their connection with each other and find greater joy and wonder in their lives. 

​If you are interested in knowing more, check the website safeconversations.com/  I will be offering a Safe Conversations class in November after relocating to Northern California. Let me know if you would like to be on the list or would like more information Contact Me

          The more light we allow into our lives and our relationships, the brighter our world will be.

When you're a bucket filler, you make the world a better place! Using a simple metaphor of a bucket and a dipper, author Carol McCloud illustrates in her book “Have You Filled A Bucket Today?” that when we choose to be kind, we not only fill the buckets of those around us, but also fill our own bucket!   

Sometimes we forget this in our family relationships, at work and in the hectic pace of life.  Living within a snow globe of swirling responsibilities, demands, checklists and choices is stressful. We need to stop and remember that life is a journey--not a race, a destination or a competition-but a beautiful journey to be walked, danced and enjoyed with those we care most about.

Our days are not something to survive, endure or merely get through but we are meant to enjoy and revel in our meaningful relationships. The world is changed by our example, not our opinion or words but how we live our lives!

So, this week, I challenge you to take time to let the snow globe settle. Make time to ask your daughter to tell you about her best friends at school and be present to her while she talks. Take your son to the hardware store and ask him to help with a project around the house.  Cook dinner together. Go for a walk as a family.  Use a meal time to talk about favorite family vacations. Call your son or daughter that is away at college. Make a lunch date for the next time they will be home. Write a text or mail a card to your adult children just to say you are thinking of them.

Read “Have You Filled A Bucket Today?”  tinyurl.com/y6zes5vb and talk about ways your family can practice kindness in your neighborhood. Watch the YouTube video “Grateful: A Love Song to the World” together. www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO2o98Zpzg8  Challenge your kids to find other inspirational videos and Ted Talks to share with the family.

Buckminster Fuller, 20th century architect, inventor and visionary dedicated his life to making the world work for all of humanity. He said, "In order to change an existing paradigm you do not struggle to try and change the problematic model. You create a new model and make the old one obsolete. That, in essence, is the higher service to which we are all being called."

​We all have the opportunity to create amazing experiences, connections and memories in our families and in the process, we heal ourselves and influence those around us.

​Some years ago, my parents decided it was time to start downsizing. While looking at the best way to pass on furniture, momentos and other significant items to myself and my siblings, my dad took photos and created a book with each item labeled with its significant history. Sending copies to each of us, our parents asked us to indicate which ones we were interested in.

The larger pieces went to my youngest sister because she lived the closest and could pick them up. But each of us had the opportunity to request items that held special significance and we received at least some of our top choices.  I chose the cedar chest that had always been in my parents’ bedroom. In order to ship it from Virginia to California where I lived, my father built a crate that met the standards of the trucking company complete with a slot underneath for the forklift to load and unload it.

There are many stories of siblings becoming embroiled in ugly inheritance battles when their parents pass away. The reading of a will can result in flaring tempers, siblings not speaking to each other and hurt feelings at a time that should be about reflecting on shared memories.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey said, "Synergy is better than my way or your way. It's our way.” I am grateful that my parents practiced this while raising my siblings and I. Synergize is the habit of creative cooperation. Within a family, it is teamwork, open-mindedness, and the adventure of finding new solutions to old problems. I strove to bring this element into my own family whether it was planning a road trip or tackling a cleanup project.

​But it doesn't just happen on its own. It's a process that takes commitment, time and making it a priority. Synergy lets us discover things together that we are much less likely to discover by ourselves. It is the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One plus one equals three, or six, or sixty--you name it.