 More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A few weeks ago, I was with my three- and one-half-year-old granddaughter--I have the privilege of spending time with her each week and giving her parents a break. It was a warm day and I had on shorts. She asked me, "Nan, what is that ouchy on your leg?"
Looking down at the permanent purplish mark on my leg that she was gently touching, I replied that it was from an injury from a long time ago that did not go away. Her concern was obvious as she asked me if it hurt, how did it happen and did I need a band-aid. Thinking about this conversation after I was back home, I realized that I do not remember how I got this permanent bruise--the medical term for it is an ecchymosis. It means that I got hit on the leg hard enough for it to bleed under the skin, leaving a permanent mark. I have, in fact, two of these on my right leg with no memory of how they happened. It made me think about how much I have no memory of in my life because I was focused on whatever task I was doing without really being present to those around me and even what I was experiencing. For the past seven years, I have been making effort to become more present to the moment. There are practices that I have discovered that help me develop self-awareness and presence in my daily life. About seven years, I began practicing yoga. Initially, I joined a yoga studio because it was within walking distance from my house, and I wanted to get exercise and develop more core strength. But I also realized that it helped me to stop my busyness and focus inward. I have a yoga mat in my office area to remind me to stop and spend some time practicing each day. Meditation is also something that I highly recommend. Meditation is a tool that combines awareness and mindfulness practices. It is known to reduce anxieties, body fat, chronic medical situations, depression, dementia, loneliness, and stress. It also improves one's attention span, sleep, positivity and overall peace of mind. There are numerous apps that make it easy to access a meditation whenever we want. Some that I use are Insight Timer, Tapping Solution, Mind Valley, and Headspace. These have both meditations for free and for a fee. Finding a meditation practice that you feel connected to is important. For some people, walking in nature with the intention of connecting to the beautiful surroundings is the best method. Taking moments out of your day to simple close your eyes and take deep breaths reduces stress and helps to reconnect with your inner self. Another possibility is to take time at the beginning or the end of the day to reflect, meditate and journal. Qigong is form of moving meditation with many health benefits. One that I have practiced is Wisdom Healing Qigong: www.youtube.com/c/MingtongGu but you can search for practices online and in your own community. If you think that meditation isn’t for you, check out this article that gives even more ideas and options. tinyurl.com/5d5x7vnh Try out different methods of bringing more awareness and presence into your life to find the ones that resonate the most with you. Currently, I am combining gardening with my meditative practices. I used to buy plants for my back patio and forget to water them. Now, I am actively working to create a beautiful space where I can relax, meditate, breath and enjoy the fragrant flowers and the vibrant hummingbirds. How well my garden is doing is my litmus test for how I am doing with including presence and self-awareness in my own life.  In her book, “The Conscious Parent—Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children,” Dr. Shefali Tsabary says that to be more effective in relating to our children, we need to be willing to face and resolve issues in ourselves that come from the way we were parented. She states that, “In fact, it’s my experience that the relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent’s transformation and only secondarily for the raising of the child.”
Think for a moment about a recent time that you were triggered by something that your child did or said. If you are not familiar with the term, getting triggered is an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Maybe that trigger comes from your two-year-old refusing to get in her car seat after a particularly stressful outing to the grocery store. Perhaps it comes when your preteen screams, “I hate you, you never understand me” or your young adult child returns your car on empty or forgets your birthday. Regardless of the cause, the reality is that the things that trigger us almost always connect back to wounds and unmet needs of our inner child. Instead of blaming our children for our emotional reactions, we can use this opportunity to recognize that we are uncovering or awakening something in ourselves that needs our attention as I wrote about in my blog a few weeks ago. www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/triggers-and-awakenings Earlier this year, I had the privilege of helping my son and daughter-in-law while they became first-time parents. It was amazing to be able to support them as they discovered all the joys and challenges of caring for a newborn. However, at one point, I found myself becoming angry and at first, I couldn’t figure out why. As I examined my emotions, I realized that it had to do with not feeling valued or appreciated. Could it be that I was jealous of all the attention that this beautiful child was getting? If so, where is that coming from? As I explored more deeply, I realized that this was an opportunity to revisit a book that I had been reading, “Recovering Your Inner Child.” Author Dr. Lucia Capacchione says, “Without awareness, we automatically repeat the kind of parenting we received as children…However, if we do not like the way we were parented, we do have a choice. We can change. We can re-parent ourselves…Recovery of your Inner Child is the way to begin anew and heal your life.” If you are intrigue to explore this topic more, I encourage you to:
“Healing happens when we open the door and invite the Inner Child to come out and be a part of our lives.” Dr. Capacchione  Is there anyone in your life who seems to fly off the handle at the slightest perceived insult? Do you know anyone who throws verbal barbs and biting accusations your way any time you try to engage in conversation? If you have vital signs, the odds are very high that you do.
Success with occasionally angry people… as well as the chronically ticked-off variety… involves remembering these three essential truths:
The first truth reminds us that we maintain our personal power only when we choose to separate ourselves from the other’s anger. Empathy provides a powerful tool for accomplishing this. That's right! When we perceive the other person as hurting… rather than as obnoxious… we are far less likely to find ourselves being triggered by their ire. The second truth reminds us that ears are mightier than the mouth. Some people remain angry and confrontational regardless of how well we understand their point of view. Most, however, calm significantly when they see that we care enough to listen. The third truth reminds us that thoughtful, sincere questions cause others to think. Examples include:
In our audio, Putting Parents at Ease, we describe how teachers can apply these skills with difficult parents. One educator relayed his surprise at how well the skills worked with his adult son: I was ready to use the skills I learned with the parents of my students. I wasn't prepared for how well they worked when my 25-year-old son blasted me for saying "no" to a loan. Instead of us fighting over the phone, we ended the conversation with some mutual dignity.  In his book “Tribes” Seth Godin tells the story of the Balloon Factory and the Unicorn. The people who work in the balloon factory are timid and afraid of pins, needles, porcupines and other sharp objects. They don’t like sudden changes in temperature either.
It wasn’t a bad place to work except when the unicorns show up. Usually, the balloon factory folks shush the unicorn and are able to shoo him away. But sometimes, the unicorn wanders into the factory anyway. That’s when everyone runs for cover as explosions occur right and left. Godin uses this story to talk about change—the balloon factory is the status quo and the unicorn represents the impetus for change. However, I think that this story can be applied to how we deal with our emotions. Most of the time, we go through life trying to be nice and helpful, keeping our anger, frustration, fear and sadness under wraps. But sometimes, someone says something, and we pop just like a balloon. In the world of therapy and healing, this is referred to as getting triggered. Triggers are anything that reminds a person of a previous trauma or painful situation. In more extreme cases, it is referred to as PTSD or posttraumatic stress disorder and usually involves experiences from wars, disasters, and horrific crimes. However, Greg Baer, author of “Real Love and Post-Childhood Stress Disorder” says that most of us suffer from a form of PTSD because we experienced numerous traumatic events through our childhood and beyond. From early childhood, our brains are literally molded by love and when we are misunderstood and not loved unconditionally, Dr. Baer says we gather many minor hidden wounds. Most of the time, we are initially blind to the injuries they cause within but overtime, they can become troublesome and even unbearable. Recently I became aware that I have a trigger around not being acknowledged. Somehow, as a child, I did not feel recognized for my own unique gifts and talents. My parents were loving parents who were overwhelmed with trying to balance work, church, community and family and as the oldest, I felt that I had to play the role of the responsible daughter who downplayed her own feelings, ideas and wishes. How many times have I reacted badly--allowing my balloon to pop--with my husband, my children, my friends when I didn’t feel appreciated or acknowledged without recognizing that I was connecting back to childhood pain? I am realizing that being triggered isn’t something to be ashamed of or to keep hidden. Rather, it is an opportunity to become aware of my need to healing. I would like to conclude this post with an excerpt from an article by Becca Stevens, founder of Thistle Farm www.beccastevens.org/ “I would like to test the word ‘uncover’. Something happens that ‘uncovers’ something in me. That something awakens something I already knew deep down, and this something has allowed me to see what was lurking in the shadow part of me. This uncovering gives me the opportunity to see it. It has been uncovered for me. I can now choose to put it aside for a bit, I can choose to let it overtake me and ruin my next patch of life, or I can choose to look at it straight on and see it with all its fear, untruths, and destabilizing qualities that I carry like precious pearls. I then asked, “What other words are out there waiting for us to use them to aid in trauma healing?” Some of the great words that were offered were: disruption, stirring, alert, and awakening…It reminds me that as we do the work, we can reframe, rename, and redefine how we experience healing.” If you would like support on your own journey of healing, connect with me here: Contact Me  Last week, I found myself in a multi-leveled parking garage at the MARTA station in Atlanta, walking around clicking my remote to locate my car. That morning, in my haste to arrive at my destination on time, I had failed to make note of which level and section I parked in. After 20 minutes, I heard the faint beep several levels below. I finally located my car!
Once in my car and on my way home, I began to think about how this incident applied to my own life. I am a doer! I thrive on organizing, making lists, accomplishing tasks, getting things done. On my healing journey, I have begun to realize that it is my way of making order out of chaos. It is my “safe place” where I don’t deal with feelings and emotions. However, I am also learning this stops me from being present. Being a doer keeps me from connecting to myself, my family and my loved ones on a deeper level. How often in life am I not present to my impact on my husband because I am caught up in getting a project completed? When was the last time that I missed the cues in my son’s voice as he wanted to tell me more about the challenges of balancing work, life, family and the addition of a new baby? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I complained about the tension in my shoulders without realizing that I am not making enough time for self-care? So, how does one undo years of “doing” and grow to be more present? First, it must start with being more connected to myself. For me, the awareness began a long time ago, but I fought it tooth and nail, always falling back into what I knew—the familiarity of doing. But just over four years ago, my husband and I moved to Georgia for his work and I found myself without all the “doer hats” that I had been wearing. I struggled to find what I was supposed to “do.” I read “Who Moved the Cheese?”, “What Color is My Parachute?” and I did a bunch of crying, praying and meditating. Joining a nearby yoga studio gave me the opportunity to become more self-aware and taught me incredible lessons about being more flexible and letting things to flow. Joining a community band allowed me to reconnect with the love and joy of creating music with others while playing my flute. Over the past few years, I have discovered my passion for working with others as they begin to heal their relationships and their families. Over and over, I am reminded that healing is a process of being intentional, takes being present and involves peeling back layer after layer to discover our true self. It takes a willingness to do the work. “Recovery of Your Inner Child” is a book that is helping me to heal. The author Lucia Capacchione says, “For us to be fully human, the Child Within must be embraced and expressed…Inside every adult, there is a child crying, ‘Let me out.’” Look for more on this in future blogs. If you would like support on your own healing journey, please go to my website and connect with me. www.coachmyrna.org  Connection is Key: Kids are wired to be attached to their caregivers. They want to be noticed, listened to, understood, and supported. When this connection is strong, kids are more likely to listen and comply with less resistance. Look for opportunities to connect with each child daily — playing, reading, running around the yard, or take time to listen, observe, and be quiet together. Relationship is the heart of the matter.
Kids are Immature: They are going to be forgetful, impulsive, messy, and silly. The ability to make a good choice over a not-so-good choice takes time. There’s nothing you can do to rush this process. In the meantime, focus on guiding them as they learn how to handle tricky situations, giving them grace when they mess up, and letting them try again. Mistakes = learning opportunities! Don’t Fear the Meltdown: Big emotions cause parents to shift into panic mode, which usually leads to yelling, giving consequences that don’t make sense, or giving up entirely. Meltdowns are a normal part of life with kids, unfortunately. Focus on being the calm, confident, supportive parent your child needs. If you find yourself having a meltdown of your own, stop, take a deep breath (or a break), and get your own emotions in check. As a parent, strive to model the kind of behavior that you want your child to inherit! Trust Your Gut: Social media, parents at the bus stop, and even family members can give you a long list of things your child “should” be doing. Remember, you are the expert on your child. If you think your child needs additional support to thrive, seek help. Otherwise, embrace your child’s unique personality, needs, strengths, and growth areas as they develop at their own pace. Mom, Dad—you’ve got this! Your Own Stuff Matters: There’s a reason you’re getting upset, giving in, or over-reacting. Learning about your triggers and understanding why some things bother you more than others is an important part of parenting. Sometimes you can work through these challenges on your own, but sometimes you need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional…and that’s ok. Parenting and grandparenting is the opportunity to re-parent yourself! As a parent coach, it would be my honor to support you on your journey of parenting. A parent coach is a trained and certified professional who helps you achieve your goals in creating a fulfilling family life and cultivating a better relationship with your children. Addressing issues such as problems with routines and transitions (morning and night, for example), power struggles, parental anger, discipline, homework challenges, chores, and “disrespectful” behavior, I give customized support, tools and advice based on your family's needs. Whether on the phone, in-person, or over Zoom, I work with you to clarify what you want to accomplish, set specific goals, make an effective action plan and help hold you accountable for making progress toward meeting your goals. To find out more, visit my website and make an appointment for a complimentary Clarity Coaching Session Parent Coaching.  When you're a bucket filler, you make the world a better place! Using a simple metaphor of a bucket and a dipper, author Carol McCloud illustrates in her book “Have You Filled A Bucket Today?” that when we choose to be kind, we not only fill the buckets of those around us, but also fill our own bucket!
Sometimes we forget this in our family relationships, at work and in the hectic pace of life. Living within a snow globe of swirling responsibilities, demands, checklists and choices is stressful. We need to stop and remember that life is a journey--not a race, a destination or a competition-but a beautiful journey to be walked, danced and enjoyed with those we care most about. Our days are not something to survive, endure or merely get through but we are meant to enjoy and revel in our meaningful relationships. The world is changed by our example, not our opinion or words but how we live our lives! So, this week, I challenge you to take time to let the snow globe settle. Make time to ask your daughter to tell you about her best friends at school and be present to her while she talks. Take your son to the hardware store and ask him to help with a project around the house. Cook dinner together. Go for a walk as a family. Use a meal time to talk about favorite family vacations. Call your son or daughter that is away at college. Make a lunch date for the next time they will be home. Write a text or mail a card to your adult children just to say you are thinking of them. Read “Have You Filled A Bucket Today?” tinyurl.com/y6zes5vb and talk about ways your family can practice kindness in your neighborhood. Watch the YouTube video “Grateful: A Love Song to the World” together. www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO2o98Zpzg8 Challenge your kids to find other inspirational videos and Ted Talks to share with the family. Buckminster Fuller, 20th century architect, inventor and visionary dedicated his life to making the world work for all of humanity. He said, "In order to change an existing paradigm you do not struggle to try and change the problematic model. You create a new model and make the old one obsolete. That, in essence, is the higher service to which we are all being called." We all have the opportunity to create amazing experiences, connections and memories in our families and in the process, we heal ourselves and influence those around us.  It was a warm summer day and I was getting ready to drive kids to a week-long summer camp. Before loading up the van, we were doing some cleaning—sweeping and mopping the kitchen, loading the dishwasher and vacuuming the living room. After driving the windy road through the Santa Cruz mountains and back, I arrived back home.
Walking through the house to the back deck, my heart sank and I felt sick to my stomach. There was the guinea pig cage which I had moved outside while mopping the floor and had forgotten to move back! In the summer heat, the guinea pigs ran out of water and perished. In disbelief, I cried, yelled and wanted to deny that this was my fault. How could I have been so careless? I wanted to hide my mistake or go back and redo this but of course, this was impossible. I was reminded about this incident while preparing for one of my webinars on “Real Love in Parenting” by Greg Baer. Dr. Baer says that being inadequately prepared for the job of parenting, we unavoidably make many mistakes. Most of us do not do anything as drastic as my guinea pig example but we often respond in unloving ways. We get angry at other people—including our kids—not because of what they do in any given moment but because of a lack of Real Love we have received and experienced for our whole lives. As parents, we can learn how to give and receive unconditional love and improve the quality of our relationships. Whether you:
 Last week, I spent four days working at my former school to help the teachers get ready for their new school year. (Yes, schools in Georgia start the beginning of August!?!?) One of my students Mandy (not her real name) and her mom arrived on Monday to find out that she had been switched to the Orange Group of the last week of summer camp. Mandy doesn’t do well with new situations and was a little anxious about the change. However, she knew me and had several friends in the Orange Group, so I was sure that she would do fine. However, the challenge for Mandy was compounded because her mother got upset and took Mandy with her to speak with one of the administrators. In front of Mandy, the mom escalated the whole thing by overacting, demanding a refund for the week. Clearly, the daughter wasn’t the only one getting emotional.
As parents, how many times have we done this? We step in to speak for our children, fight their battles, go to bat when a teacher or a friend is treating them unfairly. We have the best of intentions and we act out of love. But what kind of message are we sending to our children? Some experts call this being a “helicopter parent.” The parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live. To protect them, we take on the responsibilities of our child and we give them the message that he or she cannot handle them. Children need to hear the message from us: “I love you and you can do this. I believe in you, and I am here if you need help.” By asking guiding questions and offering our support, we give them the gift of problem solving. If we are honest with ourselves, many times the challenges that our children face trigger feelings in ourselves: fear, anxiety, low self-worth, inadequacy, and memories of being bullied/misunderstood and more. Raising children is an opportunity to heal and reparent ourselves. In order to love our children unconditionally, we need to continue to love and heal ourselves from the wounds that life has brought us. Learning to forgive and love ourselves and others is a key part of the healing process. As a Parent Coach, I help people identify their goals and the obstacles they are facing. As a certified relationship coach, I believe that you have the answers within to work toward solving any issues that you have. I would guide you to discover what is blocking you, what needs healing and work to empower you to move forward. For more information, click here Parent Coaching |