The Asaro ethnic group in Indonesia and Papua New Guinea has a beautiful saying: “Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.” Having knowledge about something is a great start but moving that knowledge into practice is when it comes alive. We can move what we are learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands with practice and experience.

During high school, I had struggled enormously with science classes. I could memorize the material for tests, but I couldn’t really understand it or explain it. Deep inside, I felt that I wasn’t smart enough—at least not in this area. I felt like a fraud—pretending to know something that I didn’t.

I had a profound experience when I was 29 years old, having recently graduated from two years of seminary. I participated in an Ocean Challenge leadership program that involved fishing on the ocean in a 28-foot boat using handlines to catch tuna. After an initial training period, I became a boat captain.

The first thing I had to do was to repair the engine which wasn’t working after being in storage over the winter. Since the engine needs to be in the ocean to start it, we attached a piece of plywood to the back end of the boat and labored to fix the engine without falling in.

Through this experience of collaborating with a female mechanic, I discovered that I wasn’t dumb; I just needed the hands-on opportunity to move knowledge into practical experience. Learning about the roles that spark plugs and pistons play in bringing the engine to life was so liberating. That summer, I gained a great deal of confidence and I caught an 800 pound tuna with my crew--pictured above.

In my book, "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future," I have included a chapter on The Gift of Experience because this is an essential part of our parenting role—giving our children the experiences of doing activities together as a family (creating memories) as well as opportunities to discovery, explore and experience moving knowledge into the heart, the body, and the present.

The Gift of Experience covers many different areas. There are experiences together as a family—exploring or camping in nature, going on a memorable trip, or looking at creating special experiences around birthdays and other holidays.
 
Our children need community experiences, activities, and organizations that support healthy challenges and collaboration—hiking clubs, sports, 4-H programs, choir, band, church youth groups, Big Brother-Big Sister programs, and more. For my boys, Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts provided amazing adventures that they could participate in together with their friends. They learned how to camp overnight in the snow, safely use a bow and arrow, as well as load and shoot a BB gun and shotgun.

As our children approach the teen years, we might take some advice from Dr. Tim Elmore, international speaker, and best-selling author. He states that he has found six experiences that help foster authentic maturity as youth grow towards adulthood. They include supporting them to:

• Do something scary—out of their comfort zone
• Meet someone influential—growth opportunities to explore future career possibilities
• Travel someplace different—travel is an education in itself
• Chase a meaningful goal—information is meaningful as it becomes application
• Wait and work for something you want—delayed gratification
• Practice a new habit—may be tied to accountability and new levels of responsibility in the family

​If you are already a grandparent, think about what kind of experiences you would like to have together with your grandkids.

It has been said that one of the greatest legacies we leave our children and grandchildren is happy memories created by our experiences together. The best gifts are not things. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer, richer experiences.” Make experiences a part of your family traditions—start now so they don’t need to wait until 29 (or even older.)

For more information on my book, click here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child

When was the last time that you said to yourself, “Why is this happening to ME?” It could have been when your spouse forgot to pick-up the items need for dinner. Maybe it was when your young child spilt their drink for the third time that day or drew on the wall with a permanent marker AGAIN. Or you got into the car to go to an important meeting or appointment, and you realized your teenager or young adult had returned the family car on empty once again.

Some months ago, I had such a moment at the gym. After swimming and sitting in the hot tub, I took off my swimsuit before taking a shower and hung it on a hook so that it wouldn’t drip everywhere. Coming out of the shower, I found my swimsuit sitting on top of the trash can! Someone had decided that they needed all four of the hooks in the shower area and had moved my swimsuit out of their way. I have to say that I overreacted, saw myself as a victim of this “horrible” injustice and said some less than kind words to the woman who had done this.

Fortunately for me, I had just finished participating in a program, Radical Wholeness, which helped me reflect on and get some perspective on my response. I gained many things from this ten-week online course. But one of the presentations that struck me the most was “The Four Levels or Stages of Consciousness.”

Based on concepts by Michael Beckwith, Spiritual Director of Agape International Spiritual Center, the founders of WholeHearted—Heather Thalheimer, David Young and Sarah Oben—incorporated “Levels of Consciousness” into their program Radical Wholeness. I have summarized my understanding of these four stages below. The key is to begin with awareness of where I am in a particular area of my life, to accept and love myself at the place I am at, and to allow acceptance, love, and patience to guide me in making progress. (See a diagram of the four stages below.)

To Me:  At this stage, we experience life as happening to us. We may feel like a victim, things are other people's fault. We blame others or ourselves but feel that we are powerless to change what is happening. To shift to the next stage--By Me--we must let go of blaming others and seek to take ownership of the situation.

By Me: This is a building stage. We can learn new skills and see results from our efforts. We look at a situation and ask ourselves, “How can I change this?” We begin to realize that I have something to do with the problem, so I have the power to solve it. Problems can now be seen as opportunities. It can be challenging work, but we can be successful. We may not experience great happiness or peacefulness at this stage. To move to the Through Me stage, we must let go of control and surrender and recognize that we need others as well as God/Higher Power.

Through Me: This stage is one of recognizing that there is something greater than myself that wants to flow through me. Surrendering to needing others, needing God helps us to relax and open to possibilities and our own creativity. We can become co-creators in our life. A sense of trust and connectedness occurs. To move to the next level, we need humility to experience being connected to all of life.

As Me: This level is experiencing that we are at once a unique individual and at the same time, part of a greater whole. Through this awareness, we experience fusion between the individual and the whole--we cannot ignore the wellbeing of another because we are one.

It is important to understand that growth through these stages is not linear, moving from one to the next sequentially. Instead, we move in and out of the various levels. In different areas of our lives, we could experience two or more of these stages in the same day. If this article piques your interest, I invite you to check out Radical Wholeness, a ten-week online Journey. I have included some information below about the course.

Registration for the Fall program is now open at beingwholehearted.com. The group meets Wednesdays, September 7 – November 16, 8-10 pm EST. 

Through Radical Wholeness You Will:
• Discover a new way to love yourself.
• Experience wholeness through becoming aware of the ways you have separated from yourself, others, and your environment.
• Gain learnable, usable, and sustainable practices to experience a new and more satisfying way of living. 
• Meet other people who want to be part of a heart-centered community.

​Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.

I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person.

Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine.

Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. 

Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.

• Hear: Physically take in the sound. This means that we need to stay focused on the person speaking instead of looking at our phone or tuning them out because we think we know what they’re going to say.
• Listen: This is a step up from hearing; it means that we bring empathy into the picture and really try to listen to what the other person is saying, all the while considering their perspective. Don’t forget to pay attention to their body language and tone of voice too: they account for 93% of communication!
• Understand: After we’ve heard someone and listened to them, we need to confirm our understanding of what was said with the other person. Why? Because it’s easy to misinterpret something based on our own assumptions or a mistaken understanding of someone else’s map. By confirming what was said with the other person, we not only demonstrate to them that we’re listening, which is hugely honoring, it also helps us avoid responding based on a mistaken belief.
• Acknowledge: Let the other person know that we’re present and that we’re paying attention. This can be as simple as nodding or saying, “uh huh” or “go on.” It’s all about showing the other person that we care so we can build rapport and keep the conversation going.

Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:

• Pick a topic and divide into pairs. Have one person be the listener and the other person shares for 3-5 minutes or less. (With younger children, start with a shorter amount of time.) Come back together as a whole family and have the listener share what their partner told them, seeing how much they can remember. Do a second round switching roles within the pairs.
• Play the game, "I'm going on a trip and I am taking..." One person begins saying the statement and adding an item that begins with A. The next person says the whole sentences including the A item and adds an item that begins with B. Continue around the family circle repeating the whole sentence and adding a new item that begins with the next letter.
• Break into pairs and provide one blindfold for each pair. One person puts on the blindfold and the other person guides them through the house or backyard by giving clear verbal directions. Remind everyone before starting that goal is for everyone to be safe (not get hurt) and to communicate clearly.

​For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: 

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between

More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.

It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. 

Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart.

Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak.

The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion.

Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands.

There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.