Many of us struggle with our own worthiness, not feeling that we are enough as a parent, partner, child, or friend. Spouses, parents, and teachers often contribute to this by point out mistakes, what is missing or lacking. Many faith traditions include beliefs that it is more blessed to give than receive--be selfless, not selfish which can leave us wondering how we are to do this. For many years, I have searched to understand how to love my neighbor as myself.

These words, known as "The Golden Rule", come from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. There are versions of this in most faith traditions. When I was a teacher, I adapted this as the basic class guideline--treat others the way that you want to be treated. And yet, I think that we often miss the point that we are to love and treat others as we treat ourselves. As I have explored this in my own life, I realized that often I didn't love myself very much; sometimes, I didn't even like myself at all. 

Below are some of the realizations that I have had on my personal healing journey:

• Start with recognizing the limiting beliefs and attitudes that I have--I cannot change what I am not aware of.
• Realize that this is my life's work--it isn't easily fixed but it is essential and important.
• Many of the beliefs that we have about ourselves come from the early years of life. It is so important that children from birth to 6 years old have parents, caregivers and teachers who nurture and love them unconditionally.
• And yet, most of us didn't have enough unconditional love as children. It is difficult to give what we haven't received, but it is never too late.
• As an adult, I need to be responsible for my own healing. It isn't healthy to simply dwell on my resentments and anger; I need to move from feeling like a victim to finding a path forward. 
• I am learning to be enough even when I mess-up, make mistakes and fall short. It has taken having honest conversations, moving beyond the anger, finding loving, supportive people and groups to be a part of, forgiving myself and others and making consistent, daily effort to move from surviving to thriving.

 
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to find your next step forward on your own healing journey. On my website, you can find resources and info about my coaching programs. www.coachmyrna.org/coaching.html I have made my own version of an Emotional Freedom Technique/Tapping video that has helped me.
​Tapping video "I Am Enough":   youtu.be/dwfotycdCmY

​Recently, I attended an "Unconditionally Loving" retreat where we were guided towards living a life of loving without conditions and what we needed to do that. The definition of loving without conditions is caring about the other person's happiness without wanting anything in return. It also includes accepting others for who they are, not wanting the other person to change. Finally, loving starts with caring about ourselves because we cannot give what we don't have.
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To live this way requires us to begin to practice radical responsibility. 
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• Become aware of my own behaviors. Change starts with awareness--I cannot change that of which I am unaware. Pay attention to interactions and relationships where I am not being authentic. This may show up as making excuses about being late for a family event or not having completed a project at work. We may get defensive, frustrated, or angry when our child or partner challenges us about something. If we check-in with our physical body, we may feel tension in our neck, shoulders, back or jaw.
• Learn about my motivations. What lies behind those behaviors? Am I afraid that others won't like me or will think less of me? Do memories come to mind of when we were blamed or shamed about something in the past? Do we have the tendency to insist on being right and have difficulty admitting that we are wrong or made a mistake?
• Create intentions to change unloving and irresponsible behaviors. As we become aware of behaviors that we would like to change, consider ways to move towards more loving, honest, and more responsible actions and attitudes. Because we have developed these patterns over a lifetime, this is not simple work and often takes support of a loving partner, a small intentional group, or a coach.
• Tell the truth about my own actions. Learning to admit when we are wrong without making excuses is a game-changer. 
• Keep my word--do our best to live a life of integrity and follow through with commitments and promises that we make.
• Be open to feedback. Feedback is a gift if we can hear what another is telling us about how our behavior impacts them. 

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Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worthwhile living…let no day pass without examining yourself." If you find yourself wanting to change unhealthy patterns of relating and to move towards living with greater radical responsibility, check out the tools and resources that I use in supporting growth and healing in relationships on my website: Coaching With Myrna

Sunday, May 14th is Mother's Day. You might think that Hallmark invented Mother’s Day, but it was not motivated by commercialism but by women’s peace groups. In 1868, Ann Jarvis– mother of Anna Jarvis – created a committee to establish a "Mother's Friendship Day.” The purpose was to reunite families that had been divided during the Civil War. When the Civil War broke out, Ann Jarvis called together women to pledge that friendship and good will would not be a casualty of the war. 

In a remarkable display of courage and compassion, the women nursed soldiers from both sides and saved many lives from both sides. Jarvis – who had previously organized "Mother's Day Work Clubs" to improve sanitation and health for both Union and Confederate encampments undergoing a typhoid outbreak – wanted to expand this into an annual memorial for mothers, but she died in 1905 before the celebration became popular.

Her daughter continued her mother's efforts and what began as a celebration in a church in West Virginia spread over a few years to many states and eventually became a national and international holiday.  Carnations were Ann Jarvis’ favorite flowers, so it became a tradition to give out carnations on Mother’s Day. “The carnation does not drop its petals, but hugs them to its heart as it dies, and so, too, mothers hug their children to their hearts, their mother’s love never dying," Jarvis explained in a 1927 interview.

Designated as the second Sunday in May by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914, aspects of Mother’s Day have since spread overseas, sometimes mingling with local traditions. Jarvis took great pains to acquire and defend her role as “Mother of Mother's Day,” and to focus the day on children celebrating their mothers.

Ann Jarvis did not like the commercialism that become associated with Mother’s Day—buying flowers, cards, and candy to one’s mother.  In this spirit, I challenge you to find a unique way to celebrate your mother or someone who has been there to support and mother you this year. 

How about an experience that you can share together?  A picnic and a hike in the woods?  A visit to a local botanical garden or park? Breakfast in bed? (Make sure you clean up the kitchen afterwards.) A drive on a scenic road? Maybe photo album with a cover that the kids help decorate. Be creative and make it personal.

​I am sure that you will figure out something that is special and wonderful. You have just over a week. And if you need some help to connect to all that your mom means to you, let this video inspire you.