There is a secret hidden in plain sight for all parents of young children:  the most important—and astoundingly simple—thing you can do for your children’s future success in life is to talk to them. The way you talk with your growing child literally builds his or her brain. Parent talk can drastically improve school readiness and lifelong learning in everything from math to art. Indeed, parent–child talk is a fundamental, critical factor in building grit, self-control, leadership skills, and generosity.  
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​Dr. Dana Suskind, surgeon, pediatrician, professor and author, wrote her groundbreaking book “Thirty Million Words: Building A Child’s Brain” in 2015. Dr. Suskind says, "Every parent has the words, the language, the nurturance necessary to build their baby's brain. It's really about families understanding that they matter in their children's education and that they matter from the first day that their children are born." For more on her research and her book, link
     
Just how do you talk with a baby or toddler? Try the three T’s (from Thirty Million Words: Building A Child’s Brain):

• Tune In: Notice what the child is focused on and talk about that. Respond when a child communicates – including when a baby cries or coos.
• Talk More: Narrate day to day routines, such as diaper changes and tooth brushing. Use details: "Let Mommy take off your diaper. Oh, so wet. And smell it. So stinky!"
• Take Turns: Keep the conversation going. Respond to your child's sounds, gestures and, eventually, words – and give them time to respond to you. Ask lots of questions that require more than yes or no answers.

Other tips for supporting your child’s developing language are:

• Talk with your children and encourage them to talk with one another. Keep the conversation going by asking questions, making comments, and inviting them to think and share their ideas.
• Read every day, taking time to go over new words. Look for books with illustrations that provide clues to word meanings.
•  Think about new vocabulary words that might come up when visiting a new place. A trip to an art exhibit could introduce the word landscape, while going to a pizza restaurant might introduce kneading dough.
•  Give children ample time to learn the meaning and uses of new words before moving onto other words.

Finally, let me encourage all young parents out there:  to the exhausted mom who is reading The Cat in the Hat or Goodnight Moon for the fourteenth time after a long work day, to the dad who gets up early on Saturday morning and heads with his kids to the library instead of playing golf, I salute you. Keep up the good work! Because someday, after many years of reading to them, they might start reading to you.

Most young children are aware of death, even if they don’t understand it. I remember vividly my first personal experience with death--my neighborhood friend’s dog was hit by a car. We were standing on the sidewalk and it seemed to unfold in slow motion right in front of us. I can still connect with the helpless feeling I had at six years old—there was nothing I could do about the horrible outcome of the collision or for my friend as she sobbed uncontrollably.

​Death is a common theme in cartoons and television, and some of your child’s friends may have already lost a loved one. But experiencing grief firsthand is a very different and often confusing process for kids. As a parent, you can’t protect a child from the pain of loss, but you can help her feel safe. And by allowing and encouraging him to express his feelings, you can help him build healthy coping skills that will serve him well in the future.

Other points to help your child process the death of a loved one are:

• Be guided by your child’s questions instead of offering too much information. Young children don’t have the concept of forever. Older children need simple but direct answers, not euphemisms like “Grandma went to sleep” which could conjure up scary feelings around bedtime.
• If you have religious beliefs about the afterlife, now is the time to share them. But even if you aren’t religious, you can still comfort your child with the concept that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved and cared for them.
• Children will often imitate the grieving behavior of their parents. It is important to show your emotions as it reassures children that feeling sad or upset is okay.
• Making a special gathering to share favorite stories of the person who has passed on can keep us connected to the memories of their life. Some families do this on their birthday or other significant holiday, sharing a favorite meal together. Others hold a memorial service instead of a funeral. Creating a special photo album or display in the home helps children and adults to connect with the heart of the person beyond the sadness.
• Books that deal with death and dying are excellent ways to open conversations. Several good books are “The Tenth Good Thing About Barney” by Judith Viorst, “The Fall of Freddie the Leaf” by Leo Buscaglia, and “Badger’s Parting Gifts” by Susan Varley. Here is a link to “Badger’s Parting Gifts” beautifully read by Rube Dee. Video link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRTRABhJTbo

 
If you know children who are dealing with a big loss, these books can encourage them to talk about and work through their sadness and cherish the special memories they have. For more on helping children deal with loss and grief:
https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-deal-grief/
https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
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Did you know the average North American child now spends about seven hours a day staring at screens and mere minutes engaged in unstructured play outdoors? Yet recent research indicates that experiences in nature are essential for healthy growth. Regular exposure to nature can help relieve stress, depression, and attention deficits. It can reduce bullying, combat obesity, and boost academic scores. Most critical of all, abundant time in natural settings seems to yield long-term benefits in kids’ cognitive, emotional, and social development.  Of course, spending time outdoors is important for adults as well!

Growing up, Scott Sampson—the paleontologist and CEO of Science World in Vancouver, Canada — went on annual camping trips to the Rocky Mountains with his family. However, he said in a recent TED talk, “This was not where I fell in love with nature. That happened close to home — looking for rocks in the backyard, playing kick-the-can in the neighborhood, bushwhacking in the local forest.” 

Sampson recommends three steps we can take with our children to connect with nature.

• Notice:  Take time to see what is around us when we step outside of our homes.  Look at the sky and notice the clouds, see the many variations of the color green on a walk, ask questions like “What does the air feel like?” or “Did you hear that bird in our backyard?” We impact the future when we value and care about the natural world together with our children because they value what we value.
• Engage: Allow kids the time to interact with nature whether it is collecting sticks, throwing rocks into a pond or taking an adventure (hike) together. Tell them about your own experiences and memories—apple-picking a local farm, growing pumpkins in your garden, seeing an eclipse, or using binoculars to look at birds. Check out books from the library to help them find out more information on things that they are interested—"Why do crickets chirp?” “Where do birds go when it rains?” or “What kind of cloud is that?”
• Wonder: When it comes to the natural world, Sampson says that love and wonder should go hand in hand — if we want our children to connect with it, they need to have the chance to be captivated by it. He says, “You can give them amazing experiences like harvesting and eating plants that they themselves planted and nurtured.” 

As parents, we are always aware of the potential dangers of exploring nature whether it is our child having a close encounter with poison ivy or a snake, getting too close to rushing water or climbing high into the branches of an inviting tree. As you choke back the words “Be Careful!” consider these tips that can help foster awareness and problem solving in your child. Say:

• Notice how…these rocks are slippery, that branch is strong.
• Do you see---the poison ivy, your friends nearby?
• Try moving…your feet carefully, quickly, strongly.
• Try using your…hands, feet, arms, legs.
• Can you hear…the rushing water, the singing birds, the wind?
• Do you feel…stable on that rock, the heat from the fire?
• Are you feeling…scared, excited, tired, safe?
• What’s your plan…if you climb that boulder, cross that log?
• What can you use…to get across, to help you stable yourself?
• Where will you…put that rock, climb that tree, dig that hole?
• How will you…get down, go up, get across?
• Who will…be with you, go with you, help you if…?

To view the full TED Talk:  “How to Raise a Wild Child” by Scott Sampson https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=Mn4ve9fLsuA
Sampson also wrote a great book on the same topic www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Wild-Child-Science/dp/0544705297?tag=teco06-20

As many families are preparing their children to start a new school year, I would like to share this article with parenting advise on how to help your child get off to a good start. As a former teacher for 25 years, I totally support the ideas and insights presented here.

Love and Logic Parenting, by Dr. Charles Fey, www.loveandlogic.com/
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Centuries ago, I presume, a tradition developed whereby parents felt compelled to provide a tangible expression of their gratitude toward teachers. The original motivations for this tradition are unclear. Some may have been prompted by genuine appreciation; others may have been spurred by guilt and attempts to atone for the unruly classroom conduct of their children; some may have darker motivations where it was hoped a small payoff would “grease the wheels” a bit toward a better grade for their child.
 
While I’m sure that most educators truly appreciate the gesture, I’m not sure how many apples an average person can eat. I wonder how many of those cute little picture frames, paper weights, plaques, and other cute thingies eventually get regifted.
 
Of course, all of us dedicated educators want to be appreciated for our hard work, long hours, and willingness to be exposed to every germ known to humankind. It’s nice to be appreciated for the fact that we choose to love kids even when they behave badly and produce noxious fumes. It’s great to be appreciated for the fact that we take classrooms full of kids with different needs, abilities, behaviors, and troubles and turn them into high-powered learning teams.
 
Great teachers are amazing!
 
The best gift we can give them involves our own parenting. The most wonderful display of our appreciation is to send them students truly ready to be respectful, responsible, and eager to learn. No doubt this gift also benefits our children, who will rise to the top when equipped with such character attributes.
 
Listed below are just a few things you can do:

• Make sure that your kids overhear you saying positive things about their school and their teachers.
• Ensure that they are doing chores without reminders at home, so that they know how to do assignments without reminders at school.
• Allow very little time with technology, including video games, texting, surfing the web, watching videos, television, etc. These activities make it more difficult for our children to remain calm and content at school.
• Have family meals together, where you enjoy each other and talk about all of the things you’ve learned during the day. 
  
  

Thanks for reading, and thanks for raising great kids who have what it takes to benefit from the privilege of schooling!

(Adapted from Love and Logic Parenting) www.loveandlogic.com/

​DRILL SERGEANT 
This parent commands and directs the lives of children through the following methods:

1. Provides messages of low personal worth and resistance 
2. Makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility 
3. Tells the child how he/she should handle responsibility 
4. Tells the child how he/she should feel 
5. Provides absolutes: “This is the decision you should make!” 
6. Demands that jobs or responsibilities be done now 
7. Issues orders and threats: “You get that room cleaned up or else…” 
8. Takes over the ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem 
9. Uses lots of harsh words and very few actions 
10. Uses punishment, pain and humiliation to serve as the teacher
   
HELICOPTER PARENT 
This parent hovers over children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live through the following methods:

1. Provides messages of weakness and low personal worth 
2. Makes excuses for the child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities
3. “Takes on” the responsibility of the child 
4. Protects the child from any possible negative feelings 
5. Makes decisions for the child 
6. Provides no structure, but complains, “After all I’ve done for you…” 
7. Whines and uses guilt: “When are you ever going to learn. I always have to clean up after you.” 
8. Complains about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” much work and responsibility 
9. Uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is not capable or responsible 
10. Protects child from natural consequences and uses guilt as the teacher   
 
CONSULTANT PARENT 
The consultant parent provides guidance and consultant services for children by: 

1. Providing messages of personal worth and strength
2. Seldom mentioning responsibilities 
3. Demonstrating how to take care of one’s self and be responsible 
4. Sharing personal feelings about own performance and responsibilities 
5. Providing and helping the child explore alternatives and then allowing the  child to make his/her own decision 
6. Providing “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities
7. Modeling doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it 
8. Asking one’s self, “Who owns the problem?” and helping the child explore solutions to his/her problem 
9. Using lots of actions, but very few words 
10. Allowing the child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher
 
God gave all of us free will and that includes the opportunity to mess up.  Failure and Success are two sides of the same coin. Drill sergeant and helicopter parents take away the opportunity for children to make choices and to learn from their mistakes. We increase the odds of raising resilient individuals by guiding our children with lots of empathy and natural consequences. 
 
For more on this, see my earlier blog: https://www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/archives/09-2018