The behavior of adolescents is often puzzling and upsetting for parents; they can be moody and uncommunicative. As parents and grandparents, we need to make peace with the reality that we cannot control our teenagers. We can, however, influence them and if our connection is strong, connecting and communication does happen. Adolescents have a difficult time to accept most things without questioning. It is the age of reasoning and thinking for themselves and we need to learn to not take it personally. It is an opportunity to have discussions, ask questions, listen to their answers and offer our own experiences and opinions in a respectful manner.
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The years from age 12 to 18 are the final passage before adulthood. During this stage, teenagers go through puberty with all of its rollercoaster of emotions, experience new levels of attraction to the opposite sex which can be both exciting and confusing, and are still discovering their ever-evolving identity. They are learning how to share their thoughts and desires in a deeper way and developing the foundation for a future intimate relationship with a committed partner.

Nurturing the capacity for emotional intimacy is a family matter. Children learn to share their thoughts and feelings by doing it in their family and seeing it modeled for them by loving parents. Learning to trust and be trusted involves safety. It is important that there is the family culture creates a feeling of safety and that parents are aware of and address belittling, putdowns and other negative forms of sibling interaction. Use family meetings to work on ways of connecting and communicating:  the-power-of-weekly-family-time.html

If the connection is strong with their parents, adolescence can be a rewarding time for the family. A teenager is able of caring about the interests and concerns of their parents, siblings and others as well as having meaningful conversations about what is happening in the world around them and their ideas about their future.

What they need from parents and grandparents:

• Family matters—nurture the capacity for emotional connection and intimacy and pay attention. Your relationship with your teenager is the best way to communicate your values. It is very possible to have authentic and honest communication. Model what you want them to inherit.
• Children learn to share thoughts and feelings by seeing others do so—our modeling of this skill is important. Sharing deep thoughts and feelings together is preparation for future relationships, spouse, and close friends. If this is something that is difficult for you, admit it and look for opportunities to work on your listening and communication skills. Consider signing up for a Safe Conversations workshop: Create Connection in Relationships
• Teens are very perceptive, observant and dislike hypocrisy. It is important that home is a space where they can express their views and opinions and learn to respectfully disagree with each other.  
• Conversations that provide information on choices, sex, negotiate rules and limits. They need to hear that they can say “No” to friends and situations that make them uncomfortable. Consciously helping a child to learn to say no is helping them develop respect for themselves and their inner integrity.
• They need parents who pay attention and ask questions/step in to provide safety. The paradox is that the teenager wants freedom but needs structure and guidance. If the parents aren’t providing it, they sometimes do things that get them into trouble and ignore rules in order to get their parents to pay attention.
• Teenagers need to see that their parents are continuing to learn and grow. The best environment is one in which the parents are working on their relationship with each other.

A tool that my husband and I learned many years ago through a course entitled, "Growing Kids God's Way" is called Couch Time. Illustrated in the image below, it simply involves showing that your relationship is a priority, ideally in the presence of your kids. This isn't a time to talk about what they did wrong that day, when to get the car serviced or what to do this weekend. It is about being present and demonstrating your care and support for each other.

​Research shows that children's greatest sense of security comes when they are secure in the knowledge that their parents respect and love each other.

​Between age 7 and 12 years old, your child begins to spend a great deal of time in relationship with others, outside of the parents’ control. This can be a source of uneasiness for parents. The child interacts with new relationships and environments with all their challenges and the impulses they call forth. Your child's ability to handle these new experiences isn't not because you are there with your child to help them navigate but because they have internalized what you have taught them. They are developing an inner moral compass that will serve them throughout their whole life.

Inside each child is the impulse to do will best helps them to become an adult. This is a part of each of our nature--part of God’s plan. There is an inner drive to attach and separate and reattach, explore and differentiate and develop their own identity. This happens with siblings, peers, friends and unlike much of the parent--child dynamic, this is a two-way relationship. They are asking themselves, “How do I fit in?” and “Who do I like to be with?” 

Up until now, the child has been focused on survival, self-development, and achieving personal power. The previous stage helped them to develop a sense of themselves relating to their parents and siblings. Now they begin the task of reorienting themselves to a larger world, they begin to make room in their lives for other people besides family. Usually during this stage, the child learns how to form successful friendships with same-sex peers and learns to care about the feelings of others.


What they need:

• This age child needs wisdom and guidance from you, their parents. On the foundation of a loving relationship between you and your child, they will confide in you their struggles and seek your input and guidance. If the parent is over- or under-involved in their child's life, this is a cue to look at their own wounding from this stage in their life and begin to recognize what needs to be healed.
• Preteens need to take risks and understandably, this causes parents to feel distressed. Some time ago, I heard a new parenting term--being a hummingbird parent. Instead of hovering and micro-managing like the helicopter parent, the hummingbird parent sits nearby, zooms in when necessary and zooms out again. As children grow in age, the parents can step back further to allow more freedom while still being available when needed. I really like this model. We need to assess what is needed and sometimes engage, sometimes back off. For more on this, see the past blogpost on hummingbird-parenting.html
• As much as possible, try to like and approve of their friends—invite them over, get to know them, provide food and a place to hang out. Instead of lecturing, ask guiding questions.
• Provide balance—step in to help them resolve the tension between wanting to belong vs sense of right and wrong.
• Loving our children means being emotionally available but also respect privacy and need to try things out.
• At this stage, children move from being self-centered to caring for others. Find ways to encourage and support this developing characteristic is important.

FAMILY TOOL:  Family meetings create opportunities to build relationships, solve problems and having the whole family engaged in the process of cooperating together. The purpose of the family meeting is three-fold.

• It is an opportunity to create connection.
• Everyone works together to make a schedule that fits everyone's needs.
• It is an opportunity to share your family values with your children. 

Meeting together once a week with a family calendar helps to create the necessary structure needed for harmonious living and it communicates that your family is a priority. Discover more about how to host your first family meeting or enhance your current one here:
www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority

The Stage of Competence sees the child eager to develop new skills and discover more about themselves and what they are capable of. They begin to compare themselves to others, recognizing similarities and differences: Dad is stronger, a friend is taller, another friend runs faster, etc. They are ready to see what impact they can have on the world. They are able to begin to take risks and recover from loss or failure although the primary goal is winning. They have a strong sense of ownership—my toy, my dad, etc. This is the age of preschool and kindergarten when they are ready for “real learning.”

From birth through age seven, the development stages lay the foundation for a healthy life:

• Attachment stage-of-attachment-birth-to-18-months.html
• Exploration stage-of-exploration-18-months-to-3-years.html
• Identity stage-of-identity-3-4-years.html
• Competence 

​The security that the child develops through strong connections with family and the confidence to explore helps them get ready to meet the world. It is preparing them to try new tasks, take risks, face the unknown, handle possible failures, deal with crises and learn to ask for help. Integration of  these four stages gives the foundation for future success in relationships and school, work and social environments.

What 4 to 7 year olds need from parents:

• They need consistent availability, warmth and support from the parents.
• They need to be rewarded/acknowledged for the child’s engagement in the process, not a successful outcome. Encourage the sense that failure to master a task at first gives opportunity to try again. Support, encourage and praise the process of learning how to learn.
• They continue to need physical and emotional safety.
• Time and space to explore is essential; allow an area of the home where it is ok to make a mess.
• Focus on what the child does, not their character, motivation, or result. Focus on their behavior, not who they are as a person. Say, “I see that you are upset or frustrated", not “Why are you so lazy, mean or giving up so easily?” Ask “Would you like some help or show you how to do that…?”
• They need to question authority; have conversations about why we do things a certain way or have specific rules and values.

A tool that supports your child during this stage of development is Share the Thinking. Give your child the opportunity to have to think about how to solve a problem. Ask guiding questions and give them practice at making choices, solving problems and learning from mistakes. As a parent, watch your tendency to step in too quickly to fix something. Asking guiding questions instead of telling a child what to do empowers the child, creates cooperation instead of resistance and develops self-efficacy and ownership. See the example below of how a mom uses this tool with her four year old son Alex.

Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.”
Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.”
Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.”  “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.”
Alex: "Great."
Mom: "How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?"
Alex: (He thinks for a bit and his mom is quiet, not saying a word, giving Alex time to think.) "I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?"
Mom: "Sure honey. The car leaves in four minutes.

The Stage of Identity covers the ages from 3 to 4 years old and this child is seeking answers to the question, “Who am I in relationship to others and the world?” As with the Stage of Exploration  www.coachmyrna.org/blog/stage-of-exploration-18-months-to-3-years,  this comes on the foundation of a strong attachment to the parent. Your child wants to know that you are nearby but there is a strong need to explore the world. They are embarking on the journey to become their own distinct self. “I am discovering that I can be me and keep my connection with you at the same time.”

It is important to recognize that they are trying on identities now which are not forecasting what they will be in the future. Examples of this are when your son wants to wear dress-up clothes—frilly dress and high heels. Or your young daughter wants to wear hardhat and obsessed with forklifts and backhoes. These are just examples of experimenting and discovering like when they announce that today they are a fairy princess, spiderman, or another superhero.

What parents need to know about this stage:

• Parent needs to acknowledge, validate, and mirror what the child is exploring right now. Say things like, “Oh, I see we have a visit from Batman or a beautiful princess today." This age child is a quick change artist, trying on different roles but always seeking the parent's approval.
• There is still need for safety boundaries and stepping to support when needed.. When we do this consistently, the effect carries over when we are not there.
• Three- and four-year-olds needs space to explore. As parents, we need to not take their distancing too personal; it is part of the stage and we need to be available when needed.
• Look for teaching opportunities that are supportive and encouraging, not punitive. Parents are the first great moral teachers.
• Say things like, “It’s ok that you are mad but it is not ok to bite your sibling/others.” Or “I see that you wanted that toy, didn’t you? Sometimes I want something that someone else has but I cannot just take it from them. How about if you ask ‘May I have a turn after you?”
• If the parent has intense negative reactions to the child’s expressions or behavior, it is important to explore your own wounding and need for healing. Children are excellent at pushing our buttons and bringing things to the surface that we may have forgotten or want to keep hidden. I like to think that when something surfaces in myself, it is something being uncovered or revealed that I need to pay attention to. It is an opportunity to be awakened to my own need for healing and my child is helping me to pay attention to it.

An excellent tool that works well with this age child is Share the Control:

• Control is a basic human need; it is like love. As parents, we can learn to give it away as much as possible by giving choices. The more we give away, the more we get back in cooperation.
• There are only a few basic guidelines: 1) Never give a choice that you don’t like/doesn’t fit your value system, 2) Give only two options and 3) the child has 10-20 seconds to decide--if they don’t’ choose, you decide.
• Every choice you give becomes a “deposit” into your child’s sense of healthy control. Even when the choices seem small or a bit silly, they can be very powerful for a child.
• The more choices parents give, the better chance of having cooperative kids.
• When necessary, the parent can say, “Didn’t I give you a lot of choices today? This time, it’s my turn to decide. Thanks for understanding.”
• Examples:
  • ​Would you like milk or juice for breakfast?
  • Are you going to wear your red shirt or your green shirt?
  • Are you going to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?
  • Would you like carrots or peas for your vegetable?
  • Bedtime is in 15 minutes. Do you want a story before bed or no story tonight?
  • Do you want to carry your jacket or wear it?
  • Will you put your shoes on yourself or would you like my help?

With a secure attachment and connection to parents, the child’s energy turns to exploring the world around them. This stage is all about answering the questions, “Who are you?” and “What is this?” An important developmental part of this stage is learning that they are a distinct being, separate from their parents. 

The ability for the child to take this step is rooted in the strong bond the child has already established with their parents. Throughout our lives, connection and attachment are essential elements for happiness. We never outgrow the need to belong.

Many label this stage as "the terrible twos" and sometimes parents see it as the age of aggression or the era of NO! For the young child, this is an essential stage to establish themselves and their own power. Child begins a love affair with the world, emerging from the protective parents’ cocoon  eager to explore and discover all that is around them. 

It is a time of balance for the parent--letting them go but not too much. Boundaries need to be set, both to protect the child from any physical harm and to increase the comfort of the parent. As with any stage, if the parent finds that they have a strong react to their child's compulsion to explore, it may be that they have some wounding around their own exploration stage and now, have the opportunity to discover and healing along with their child.
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What the child needs:

• Parents need to begin letting go but not too much—allow exploration within safety
• They need boundaries that protect the child (and support the parents’ feelings of them being safe)
• This is a time of pushing away from the parent but still wanting them nearby-presence.
• They need encouragement, presence but opportunities to explore and discover.
• As a preschool and kindergarten teacher, I often had to help parents understand that young child need to be allowed to get dirty--exploring the outdoors, mud, fingerpainting and more. This exploration is much more important that keeping clean and looking tidy.

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​If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.

Newborns give their parents a gift--the opportunity to give unconditionally. This experience is transforming, and we are able to put aside our own needs for the sake of our child. We can grow beyond our own self-involvement and self-centeredness. Babies come packaged in a way to invite us to protect and nurture them. They are in the process of self-creation and parents have the opportunity to be co-creators and partners with them as they develop their brain, senses and discover the world.

During this one and one-half years, the most important thing that the parent can do for their child is to be reliably available and embracing. This means to meet their physical needs--keeping them warm, dry, fed and safe. It also means to meet the emotional needs of the child. The parent speaks in a soft, comforting voice, smiles a lot and communicates to the child that they are do not need to be afraid--they are in the presence of a safe, nurturing person.

What parents need to know about the attachment stage:

• Their child is totally dependent on them, the parents or caregivers.
• They need parents who are reliably available, present and loving.
• Their survival depends on parent to provide safety and support.
• Parents need to structure the environment, so it is safe and teach their young child what is unsafe (knives, fire, the street, etc.) as well as that others in the environment deserve respect (parent, sibling, pet.)​

It is during these important first stage of attachment that the trust cycle is established (see the diagram below.) The child expresses a basic need by crying or fussing. The need of being feed, changed, burped or held is fulfilled by the parent. When this happens consistently, over and over again, trust is established.

When we understand the significance that this process of attachment and the establishment of trust has on who the child will become, we are awakened to being conscious parents. We can be profoundly moved by our role in this. It can also feel overwhelming, causing us to feel inadequate at times. It is important to have the support of family members and friends and ask for their help.

If you find yourself reacting strongly to your child's dependence on you, you may have been wounded yourself at this stage--not receiving the support and care that you needed. All parents are challenged with their children at the stages in parenting when they were wounded themselves. Instead of being overcome with stress or frustration, we can see this as another gift our child has given us--the chance to be awakened to the need of our own healing.

If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.

A musician was approached by a fifty-year old man, asking him if he could teach him to play the trombone. The musician replied, "Sure." Then the man asked, "How long will it take?" and the musician replied that he could teach almost anyone to play in five years’ time. Startled, the man replied that he would be fifty-five years old by then. The musician replied, “Yes, you will. And how old will you be in five years if you don’t learn how to play the trombone?"

If we apply this to our role as parents, it can seem like a long journey to become the kind of parent that we want to be and that our children deserve. The reality is we cannot change what we haven't done or what we regret about our parenting choices from yesterday or last year. We cannot change the past but we can take all that we have discovered and impact the future with our children and grandchildren.

During Covid, when I was writing my book, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak spoke of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.

Deepak shared an analogy:
Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book.

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child.

I like the definition of parenthood that I read recently: A sacred relationship that can preserve the wholeness of the child and heal the childhood wounds of the parents. If we look at the emotions that children evoke in us as awakenings or uncovering things that I need to pay attention to, this gives me an opportunity to recognize and begin to address things that I probably already had a hint about. This allows me to see what is lurking in the shadow part of me.

I have a choice. I can choose to let it overtake me and ruin my next patch of life, or I can choose to look at it straight on and see it with all its fear, untruths, and destabilizing qualities. I can let it remind me that I have work to do, we can reframe, rename, and redefine how we experience our own healing as we love and attend to our children.

Over the next weeks. I will be discussing the various stages of development that children grow through and what they need from us as their parents:

• Stage of Attachment--birth to 18 months
• Stage of Exploration--18 months to 3 years
• Stage of Identity--3-4 years
• Stage of Competence--4-7 years
• Stage of Concern--7-12 years
• Stage of Intimacy--12-18 years
• Stage of Independence--18 + years

Regardless of their age, the most important thing that our children and grandchildren need is a connection of heart and relationship with us as well as seeing that we are continuing to learn and grow in our relationship with them. I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. No matter what mistakes we made in the past, begin anew today.

If you would like some support in your parenting, check out the next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2: 7 Gifts Webinar.