Each year, as I unpack ornaments and decorations, I am flooded with many memories of Christmases past. The ones that stand out the most are not the presents I received but the experiences that we had together as a family.

As a child, I remember the annual outing to get a live tree from a family friend in Oregon.  He planted and sold trees on his land and he generously offered our family the opportunity to cut our own tree for free from one of the second-growths that sprouted up from the stump.

One year, my three siblings and I accompanied my dad on a damp Saturday morning.  As my dad tells the story, finding a suitable tree and sawing it down was not the biggest challenge.  As we made our way back to the car along the muddy path, my brother Eric who was three, was having a difficult time keeping up.  My dad, pulling the tree with one hand, grabbed my brother around the middle and lifted him up. Unfortunately, his boots remained stuck in the mud. For me, the highlight of the adventure was the retelling of the story to my mother back at home—how my dad had gotten all of us, the tree and even the boots safely back to the car.

Although we lived across the country from both sets of grandparents, we were able to spend some Christmases together with them.  I remember the opportunities to spend time talking with them, the annual jigsaw puzzles, getting reacquainted with cousins, and eating the cookies and special Christmas treats.

One Christmas, we were in Plevna, Indiana with my paternal grandfather.  My grandmother had been gone for several years and I am sure that it was a source of great happiness to have several of his children and their families spend the holidays together.  On Christmas Eve, all of us cousins decided to bundle up and go caroling in the small town. I remember having a feeling of joy sharing carols with my grandfather’s neighbors who we had never met before.  My dad reminded me that this was special because it was the last Christmas that my grandfather alive. I am glad that I helped to make it memorable.

The Christmas with my own children that stands out is the one we spent in Puerto Rico.  The trip was to celebrate my parents’ sixty wedding anniversary which was in June. But December was when everyone was available. Renting a small villa with separate rooms for each family, we cooked meals in the outdoor kitchen and enjoyed the sounds of the tree frogs and tropical birds.  We had our Christmas meal on a rooftop patio enjoying an incredible sunset. My Christmas wish that year was fulfilled as my children had the opportunity to spend time with and reconnect to their grandparents as young adults.
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​What memories will you be creating this holiday season? It may not be possible to cut down a tree yourself. But what can you do to make selecting and decorating the tree a family tradition? Do you recognize and celebrate more than one holiday--Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? How can you bring these traditions together to create new memories? There are a number of wonderful books to read with your children about the background of these holidays. Perhaps your family or grandparents live far away--who can your family invite to share a meal that also is missing family? The possibilities are endless but it takes intention to plan experiences that create new memories.

​Did you know that there is a resource for imparting wisdom and love that we often overlook? It is the use of books and literature in our homes to subtly set the stage for a conversation about a topic that we’d like to explore. As I mentioned in a previous blogpost, having a weekly family meeting that includes reading a short book or a chapter of a longer book provides the opportunity to share family values or open a discussion. family-meetings-recipe-for-success.html

Books and stories provide the opportunity to visit a culture that we know little about, and widen our view of the world. Ann Patchett, renowned American author has said, “Reading fiction not only develops our imagination and creativity, it gives us the skills to be alone. It gives us the ability to feel empathy for people we've never met, living lives we couldn't possibly experience for ourselves, because the book puts us inside the character's skin.”

In addition, the most recent market research on how to sharpen our brain suggests that the easiest and most time-tested method is . . . READING! The very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better. Typically, when we read, we have more time to think. Reading gives us a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. With oral language—when we watch a film or listen to an audio story—we don’t press pause.

This is especially true for anyone who struggles with reading. Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University studied children ages eight to ten who were below-average readers. One hundred hours of remedial reading classes significantly improved the quality of their brains’ white matter—the tissue that carries signals between areas of gray matter, where information is processed. The researchers’ concluded that the brains of these children had begun to rewire themselves in ways that could benefit the entire brain, not only the reading-centric temporal cortex.

So, if you still have a present to buy for your child, a grandchild or a favorite niece or nephew, consider buying a book and read it to them, if you can. In the case that you have already purchased all of your holiday gifts, consider doing this for an upcoming birthday or other occasion. If you need some book suggestions, here is a list of some of my favorites that I have read to my children and students over the years. https://tinyurl.com/2p83c24j

And for parents, consider giving them 7 Gifts to Give Your Child: Parenting That Will Touch Their Future as a present to allow them to discover more wisdom for themselves.
SPECIAL PRICE THROUGH DEC. 30--$7.99 paperback/$2.99 Kindle  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

While writing my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us. Deepak shares an analogy:
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Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book.

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child.

In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.”

When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory.

Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go!

Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others.
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What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?

This is an excerpt from the chapter--The Gift of Being the Best Parent You Can Be in my book: 
7 Gifts to Give Your Child  Consider buying the book for yourself or for a gift this holiday season. Purchase it on Amazon here:
 www.amazon.com/Gifts-Give-Your-Child-Parenting/dp/B09LGWWXVZ

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Adapted from original unknown source

​A preteen girl went to her mother and complained about how hard life was for her.  Between the challenges at school, with her siblings and her friends, she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that, as soon as she figured out one problem, a new one arose. The mother said, "Come with me to the kitchen."

She asked the daughter to fill three pots with water and place them on the stove, turning the settings to high. Soon the pots came to a boil. 

• In the first, the mother placed carrots.
• In the second, she placed eggs. 
• In the last, she placed ground coffee beans.

 
Then she said, "Let's check these in fifteen minutes. While we wait, let's make some brownies." After fifteen minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots  and the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee into a mug. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” the young girl replied. The mother asked her to examine the carrots. She did and noticed they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to add some milk and sugar to the coffee and take a sip. The daughter smiled as she smelled its rich aroma and tasted its rich flavor. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, Mom?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity—boiling water—but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, it became hardened inside.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. While they were boiling away in the pot, they  changed the water.

“Then the mother asked, "Which one do you want to be? When challenges arise, how will you respond--as a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? I'd like to hear what you think about this as we enjoy some of the brownies together."

Food for thought for each of us?:
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Which one am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong but, with pain and adversity, do I falter, become soft, and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit but, after a hardship or some harsh criticism, does my shell look the same, yet on the inside am I bitter, with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the bean’s fragrance and flavor. If I am like the bean, when things are at their worst, do I get better and change the situation around me? When the hours are darkest and trials are their hottest, am I able to elevate and transform the situation?

​At this time of year, we are encouraged to think about and express what we are grateful for.  Whether it is during a classroom discussion, a sermon on the Sunday before Thanksgiving or around the table before the turkey is carved, we are asked what we are thankful for. Having gratitude is a worthy endeavor.  But should it be reserved for only certain times of the year?

All parents want their children to be grateful for their blessings in life. Studies have shown that parents usually focus on what being grateful looks like or what we do to express that gratitude. For example, saying thank you for a gift received or a meal that we prepared. However, in a Raising Grateful Kids project conducted at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, they discovered that gratitude as an experience has four parts:

• What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful
• How we THINK about why we have been given those things
• How we FEEL about the things we have been given
• What we DO to express appreciation in turn

 
As we find ways to incorporate it into our daily life, we can model ways to notice, think, feel and express gratitude. It can be a part of our dinner conversations or bedtime routine. You can play the Rose and Thorn game, where each person tells about one rose (a good thing) and one thorn (a challenging thing).  

Show appreciation by conveying you paid attention to real effort in your child: "Your room looks so nice with the toys in their bins. I'm so happy that you remembered to put them away!"

Set expectations when shopping by saying, "Today is a 'look' day. Just like going to the museum, we enjoy the beautiful things, but we aren't planning to buy anything today.”  And of course, let your children know when it is a ‘buy’ day.

Thank those who serve. Your example of acknowledging those who quietly make a difference in your life, from the bus driver to the person sweeping up the aftermath of a family lunch out, sends a powerful message to your children. 

Have them pitch in when they want something. If your kids get an allowance or earn money at a job, have them participate in buying some of the things they want. When kids themselves take the time to save up, they have an ownership stake in the purchase and gain an understanding of the value of a dollar by working toward what they want. It also teaches restraint and encourages kids to appreciate what they have, as well as giving them a more realistic perspective on what you and others do for them.

​And be a grateful parent. What an invaluable exercise it is to tell our kids why we're grateful to have them! It goes without saying that we love our kids, and that we're thankful beyond words for their love, their smiles, their hugs and so much more. When we tell them what makes them special to us, their self-esteem is boosted for the right reasons (not because they have the latest smartphone or because they're dressed fashionably). Plus, our example shows them that gratitude extends well beyond material things.

Today, almost one-half the world’s population is 30 years old or younger. Ready or not, they will lead our world into the future. Members of Generation Y (Millennials born between 1981-1996) and Generation Z (Centennials born between 1997-2012) are hungry to change the world and as parents, teachers and mentors, we can help them. Generation Alpha (born between 2013 and 2025) are watching and preparing.

These generations are influenced by less than ideal parenting styles (overparenting, paranoid parenting, permissive parenting, etc.) They also are greatly impacted by the advances in technology:  immediate access to world events often difficult to process, availability creating distractions & addictions, loss of real conversations and relationships, instant gratification expectations, and so much more. Simon Sinek, British-American author, motivational speaker and organizational consultant, summarizes how these challenges impact millennials as they enter the workforce in a Ted Talk here tinyurl.com/y7a9txzz

​Dr. Tim Elmore, president and found of Growing Leaders, is passionate about understand the emerging generation and helping adults—parents, teachers, coaches—teach them how to become leaders in their families, schools, communities and careers. As an author and speaker, Dr. Elmore shares four proven parenting strategies. You can read the whole article here   tinyurl.com/y7jmc2xt

Four Strategies for Parenting Generation Z
By Dr. Tim Elmore, Growing Leaders Ready for Real Life
So, let me suggest some parenting ideas you might use as you lead your kids:

1. Don’t freak out
We need to let our kids take appropriate risks in our “safety first” world. But, when they choose something odd or even crazy, stay calm. Whatever you do—don’t freak out at the seemingly strange decisions teens feel empowered to make today. From tattoos, to piercings, to decisions about friends, to gender fluidity—kids growing up today are living in a very new world. If we don’t react emotionally, but talk to them respectfully, we earn the right to help them think through the long-term implications of their choices. This is our role: wise and steady leadership. Equip them to think long-term; think big-picture, and think high road.

2. Affirm them accurately and specifically
Generation Zers are privy to the hyperbolic praise Millennials got from parents. Everything was described as “awesome”—even when it really wasn’t. Adult leaders should be thoughtful with their encouragement, praising teens with words that reflect the genuine performance of the teen. They’ll actually believe us if we do. Also, we must affirm “effort”—which is a controllable—instead of what’s uncontrollable. Instead of saying to a female, “You’re gorgeous,” why not say: “I love the strategy you used when you planned your student council campaign. It was spot on.”

3. Be clear about their equations
I discourage having a ton of “rules,” and encourage you to remind kids of life’s “equations.” Equations are simply outcomes for wise or poor behavior: if you do this, that is the benefit; if you do that, this is the consequence. As a result, students begin to learn that life is full of equations. Upon entering adulthood: if you don’t pay your rent, you lose the apartment; if you do pay rent on time, you get to keep it. Such equations will equip Generation Z kids about how the world works. Make the equations clear and be sure to follow up on them.

4. Model consistency
One of the most conspicuously absent elements in our world today is consistency. Nothing seems to be consistent—except inconsistency. Uncertainty is everywhere. Change is happening all the time: couples divorcing; jobs changing; rules are updated; shows are terminated…even our Internet connection can be spotty. Parents and teachers must be consistent in their verbal and visual cues. Kids and young adults feel secure when consistent leadership is exemplified.

Later this month, many of us will be sitting down to enjoy Thanksgiving meal with family and friends.  Dinner conversations in homes across the country will begin with the ritual of going around the table to share what each is thankful for and why.

This is a wonderful and meaningful ritual to have, but how many of us limit this ritual to this one special day when we are gathered around a turkey dinner with all the trimmings? Giving thanks and showing appreciation is an art and one that needs to be worked on daily. It is a habit that we need to develop and practice and then, pay forward the art of gratitude to those around us.

Many of us struggle to remember gratitude when life is challenging. Parents say: “I tell my kids to appreciate what they have-that there are a lot of other children in the world that don’t have what they have.  But they don’t seem to get it AND they take everything I do for them and what I give to them for granted!”

So I propose that this November, we have a gratitude challenge, finding ways to be grateful and appreciative what we have. Perhaps, it would work best if you have a family meeting to present the idea and see what ideas your kids have. Here are five suggestions to get you started:
 
1- Express, share and model your own gratitude.  Express gratitude for what we often take for granted--having a roof over our head at night or food on the table—when your children are present. Doing this allows us to become mindful of life’s daily blessings and to shift our focus to the blessings instead of complaints.  The more we share our gratitude for life’s simple pleasures each day, the more our children will naturally discover their own reasons to be grateful and learn to express their gratitude, too!
 
2- Appreciate your children. Here are some ways you can express gratitude to your children beginning today!

• “Wow, thank you for holding the door open for me!”  
• “Thank you for your tight hugs!  They make me feel sooo good!” 
• “I appreciate your willingness to help me rake the leaves.  It certainly makes this more fun when we are doing this together!  Thank you!!” 
• “Your smiles make my day that much better!  Thank you for being my sunshine today!” 
• “Thank you for taking the trash out!  Our family works so much better when we all chip in together!” 
• “I just love how the two of you have played together today.  You became a team when deciding how to build the fort.”
• Tuck a handwritten note into their lunchbox or on their pillow for gifts that they have given you.

 
Showing and expressing our appreciation to our children is a gift that will keep on giving.  Imagine the sheer joy of your children feeling appreciated and then imagine and savor in how much more cooperative your children will be. Now that is something, we can all be grateful for!
 
3- Give your children chores. Chores are contributions to the family and make the family work better. We all need to be needed, especially our children. Through helping, not only will your children learn that the family runs more effortlessly and efficiently but they will learn to understand that consistent work and effort is required to accomplish tasks (clean dishes do not miraculously appear on the table each night) and that their effort is appreciated. The more your children feel appreciated, the more they will be willing to help.

An important note is that children should not be paid for these regular contributions. Otherwise, they are hired help. Of course, you can have a list of additional chores that you are willing to pay them to complete

4- Teach the value of patience and hard work.  There was a time that children would dream and brainstorm how they could earn the newest pair of sneakers or the latest hi-tech gadget. Today, a common complaint is that children have an increased sense of entitlement. It is important to keep in mind that their lack of appreciation is being fueled by parents and others catering to their every desire without sacrifice of any kind. And then we become resentful that our children do not show appreciation and act like spoiled brats.

We have robbed our children of the excitement of dreaming and of the understanding of what it means to wait and to even work for something that is out of their immediate reach.  Brainstorm with your children on ways they can earn what they want.

​Helping our children learn to work and to wait for life’s treasures by focusing on needs vs. wants will cultivate a stronger sense of internal gratitude and increased feelings of happiness. Being patient while waiting and working towards a goal helps to create a sense of appreciation for what we have and don’t have. 
 
5- Give back to others. Look for opportunities to help others as a family and talk about ways to help others in daily life. Talk about the saying, “to give is better than to receive” and ask your children what they think it means. Have a challenge for a week to see how many people each person can help and talk about it over dinner. To give to others is powerful but we must provide our children with opportunities to be selfless and to give back to others.  What opportunities will you give your children this holiday season to give back?  What ways does your community offer to get involved?
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Imagine that you have in front of you two glasses of clear, refreshing water. Then, I come along and put a few drops of contaminated, sewage water into one of them. Would you take a drink of that glass? Even though I put in only a small amount, it is highly unlikely that you would drink out of the one that is polluted.
                                            
When we allow criticism, negativity, and put-downs to be part of our family culture, like that contaminated water, it taints our relationships. There are steps that can help us work towards having less negativity in our families.

1. First of all, we need to remember that connection is the essence of all thriving relationships and all forms of criticism and negativity break that connection.
2. Second, we need to realize that something can be perceived as negative even if that isn't our intention. The other person is the judge. If they say it was negative, we need to believe that they experienced it as negative! Negativity can be expressed through words, a tone of voice, or an eye roll that communicates criticism, shame, or blame. It may be intentional or accidental. But in all cases, a “put down” ruptures connection. 
3. The key to obtaining healthy relationships is working towards communication with zero negativity. In the absence of negative energy, safety, connection, and joy can be restored. So, the next step is to make the decision to work on this as a family. Hold a family meeting. If you need some tips on how to get started, check out this blogposts:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/family-meetings-recipe-for-success
4. During the family meeting, come up with a code word for your family that signals that someone has experienced negativity. It can be something like: bing, ouch, wow or whatever you decide. The individual who has experienced the put-down or criticism says the word.
5. Then comes the redo process. This might include taking a break if the individual needs to calm down. The one who experienced the negativity can ask for the other person to restate what they said with no criticism or sarcasm. After that, a reconnecting behavior--a hug, an apology, or a kind note--can help everyone get back on track.
6. It is important for all family members to begin to get curious about each other rather than being defensive. Learning to ask questions can help:   

• I wonder why they does he or she think or say that? (ask oneself)
• I am curious, can you tell me more about .......? (ask another family member)

It might be necessary to practice/role play this in a family meeting. Ask for volunteers or volunteer yourself. Try a having a Zero Negativity Day and include sharing three appreciations or affirmations with family members. Talk about how it went: Was it hard to not use negativity? What did each family member realize about their own habits? How can you help each other continue to decrease negativity in your family?

This concept comes from my training as a Safe Conversation facilitator. For more on this subject, check out two previous blogs:

learning-to-have-safe-conversations.html

steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html

​We are meant to experience connection and learn how to relate to and love each other through the relationships within our families and our communities. Connection is the energy that is created between us when we feel seen, heard, and valued. Striving for this first in our families creates an environment of acceptance and love where we can learn to give and receive without criticism or judgement.

By creating a loving family culture, parents give children the opportunity to develop healthy emotions, collaborative skills, empathy and understanding. They can learn the social skills they will need to create a meaningful and even beautiful life no matter what challenges they may face. The parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world.

When we work on this in our family, naturally our communities are healthier. The quality of the relationships with parents and siblings lay the foundation for all future relationships—with classmates and teachers, with co-workers and supervisors, with friends, and future spouse and children.

We also have the opportunity to support and mentor others in our community--a middle school or high school student who is having a tough time with their parents, a college student or young adult living away from home for the first time, a newly married couple navigating their new life together, a new parent adjusting to life with a young child, an older couple who are empty-nesters for the first time or someone grieving the loss of a spouse. Finding a way to show that we care could mean an invitation to have coffee or tea together, sending a text or giving a call, having the couple/individual over for a meal or inviting them to a community or church event.

If we think about it, creating connection and unconditional love in our families and communities is one of our superpowers and a simple way to impact the world around us