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On our journey in life, the most profound thing that we can offer others--partners, children, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors--is our own healing and growth towards being a more loving person.
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 Most parents of adult children have said that they lost sleep worrying about their kids when they were younger, but perhaps surprisingly, some stress and wonder nearly as much about them when they are grown. How many of you have thought or said one or more of the following:
Jim Burns, Ph.D. is an author, speaker, and president of HomeWord which seeks to advance the work of God in the world by educating, equipping, and encouraging parents and churches to build God-honoring families from generation to generation. In his book entitled, "Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & the Welcome Mat Out," he says: "My goal is to give you hope and encouragement on your journey. Like Cathy and me, you may have nights when you lie awake and wonder, What in the world is going on with my kid? Today, now that our kids have gotten older, we are experiencing the incredible joy of grandparenting and have made the transition from an adult-child relationship with our kids to our dream of an adult-adult relationship. Has it been easy? For us, not really. Have the principles introduced in my book and course helped us? Yes, immeasurably. My prayer is that this content will reassure you that life with your adult child can be the best years of your relationship. Keep the welcome mat out." To support you in this journey of navigating the challenging and rewarding relationship with your adult children, join me in a 6 week online series using resources by Jim Burns, Ph.D entitled "Doing Life With Your Adult Child--Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out." For more information and to register: Adult Children  Dr. Jim Burns, author, speaker, and president of HomeWord has used his experience raising three daughters and speaking with and learning from thousands of other parents to develop nine principles that can help parents of adult children through common challenges in a productive way. The first principle is that our role as the parent must change.
Our old job description for two decades of was that we were the parent, in control and it was our clear-cut responsibility to be our children's providers, caretakers, and nurturers. Even when our children disagreed, they ultimately knew that we were the bosses. The new job description requires us to, first, love them enough to let them go. In order to rewrite the script and establish a new relationship with our adult children, we need to fire ourselves from our old job of being in control and daily nurturing. In fact, this is essential for them to transition from adolescence to responsible adulthood. Dr. Burns says in our new role, we need the following four strategies: 1. Be encouraging but not intrusive 2. Be caring, but do not enable dependency 3. Invest in your own emotional, physical, and spiritual health 4. Have serious fun and enjoy life In his book Doing Life With Your Adult Children, he states," It's important to me that you know these nine principles aren't just abstract theory. They were developed and applied primarily in the lab of doing life with my own adult children. Although my career has given me a platform to write and speak on topics such as parenting, marriage, and relationships, this is a much more personal book. I wanted to figure out how to be the best possible dad to my adult children, who are the deepest joy and greatest challenge. At this stage in my journey there is more joy than challenge, but it hasn't always been easy." To support you in this journey of navigating the challenging and rewarding relationship with your adult children, join me in a 6 week online series beginning Sunday, October 26, 5 pm PT/8 PM ET, using resources by Jim Burns, Ph.D entitled "Doing Life With Your Adult Child--Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out." For more information and to register: Adult Children  Parenting is tricky business. For the first eighteen to twenty years of your child's life, your job is to teach and guide them. Often, we give our children unsolicited advice or even override their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. We must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.
"Parents have such a hard time letting go of their control," says Dr. Jennifer Freed, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family counselor. “It's not that parents are trying to butt in because they think their child is incapable; it's because they're concerned about their child's welfare and think they can help by sharing their experiences.” The reality is that our concern often doesn't come across this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as a child. And everyone needs to make their own mistakes and learn from them – that is a necessary part of a the ongoing growth process. So how do we help guide our grown kids without coming across as bossy or nagging? To begin with, we need to learn to treat our child more like an adult friend instead of a kid. Lowering our expectations on how often they call us, biting our tongues when we want to give them advice, and being careful about rescuing them from their mistakes are all important. Remember, you raised them for this. You raised them to be adults, to embrace the world, to take risks, to be themselves and to be who God designed them to be. They’ll explore and make mistakes just like you did. To support you in this journey of navigating the challenging and rewarding relationship with your adult children, join me in a 6 week online series on Sundays at 5 pm PT/8 pm ET beginning on Sunday, October 25, 2026. We will be using resources by Jim Burns, Ph.D entitled "Doing Life With Your Adult Child--Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out." For more information and to register: Adult Children  Have you ever wondered how your childhood experiences have impacted who you are today? On Saturday, October 10, 2026, 10 am PT/1 pm ET, Elizabeth Buergi will guide us to discover how our past has shaped our lives today as well as help us to discover the protective roles we developed to survive and belong and how to integrate all this in greater self-awareness and healing.
Ms. Buergi is a coach and Story Work facilitator who has volunteered for many years with High Noon, a community dedicated to helping people live lives free from addiction and becoming their best selves. Her desire is to create safe spaces where people feel seen, understood, and empowered to become the loving, grounded adults their younger selves needed. During her webinar on the monthly WFWP "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" series, you will experience a live Story Work demonstration, participate in a guided reflection and discussion in a safe, supportive community, and hear how you can join a future program to develop your own "Story." To register for the October 10 webinar and get the zoom link, click here: tinyurl.com/Self-Care-Oct-10  What if there was a study dedicated to unearthing the secrets to a happy and purposeful life? In fact, just such a study has been carried for the past seven decades with students at the Harvard Medical School. Starting in 1939, the study examined the childhood events and circumstances that impacted the quality of relationships and happiness in life as the students aged. Connecting with them every two years, one of the clear messages from this study was that professional success in life comes from having done chores, rolling up one’s sleeves and pitching in to do even the unpleasant things. Having the attitude of “contributing to the whole” goes a long way in the work place.
The word chores often has a negative connotation for children. But really, chores are contribution to the family. When we approach it from the point that chores help make the family run, children can feel more important while contributing to the wellbeing of the family. Children need to be needed and learning responsibility through chores builds self-esteem. Start small with young ones. Preschoolers can help set the table and it provides a good math lesson. Ask, “How many forks or plates do we need?” Three and four year old children can carry their own plate and cup over to the sink after a meal. Kindergartners can help with laundry, folding small towels and match up the socks. It is important to do the tasks together with them and give lots of praise, appreciating their effort. Don’t tell them what they did wrong. Model the best way to do it and praise even it is less than perfect. With older kids, you can make a list of the chores that need to be done and let them have a choice, rotating them each week. One way to help children elementary age and above understand what it takes to make a family run smoothly is to post a large piece of paper on the wall. Ask everyone to contribute by writing down all of the things that keeps the family running. Leave it there for a few days and make sure to include items like jobs to make the money, shopping for groceries, planning meals, taking the car to the garage, etc. Then, hold a family meeting and talk about the items on the list. Discuss who does various jobs and how it is too much for mom and dad. Everyone is needed to contribute and ideally, discuss how each of the children/youth can help the family As kids get older, they can handle more responsibility. This is an excellent time for them to learn life skills that they will need when they are on their own like doing laundry, cooking meals, helping with meal planning and grocery shopping, making a budget and planned activities for a family vacation and so much more. Make sure that they know how important their contributions are and that you couldn’t do it without them. Regular chores are not paid. They are contributions to help the family run smoothly. Being paid for chores robs them of the dignity of holding up their fair share of the family work load. However, you can have a list of extra chores that they can get paid for--you can even ask them to put in a bid for various task. Give kids a time period to complete the chores; for instance, have them finished before the soccer game on Saturday morning or before dinner time. With younger children, ask them would you like to do this before or after dinner. Giving an allowance is important so that they get the real world experience of learning to budget. As kids get older, they can have more responsibility & accountability. If they forget to do their chores, maybe they have to pay you for doing their chores. This is one reason for them to get an allowance. Or if they are younger, they can pay with toys or with a chore of your choice before they can do something that they enjoy like watching a show. Traditions and rituals create family cohesion, comfort and security. They often tell a story about our family and they help us to focus our lives around experiences rather than things creating greater lasting happiness. Traditions help teach our children where their family came from or give them insights into their cultural or religious history.
Growing up, we had a family whistle that could be easily heard above the noise of a crowd. Inherited from my mother’s family, it was known as the Nyce whistle--my mom’s maiden name--and it helped us find each other on many occasions. Although this might not seem like a family tradition, it was something unique to our family. Many family traditions center around holidays—special foods, getting and decorating the Christmas tree, setting up the menorah, and eating turkey at grandma’s home. Birthday celebrations can include special traditions that make the day special for the birthday child. Traditions can include eating their favorite food together, making time to share heartfelt appreciations about the child over the birthday dessert and measuring them on the growth chart to see how much they have grown. One of my son’s birthday tradition was requesting a pumpkin pie instead of a traditional cake. In my family, camping was another family tradition--one that we continued with our own boys and now with our adult sons and their families. There is something special about sitting around a campfire with no lights except a lantern on the picnic table and the stars overhead. It was magical to discover aspects of nature that we usually rush by in our daily life. It was also a tradition that we took turns cooking meals and cleaning up afterwards in pairs. Another aspect of camping that I loved was the natural opportunity to disconnect from electronics and spend more time talking together or playing board games. Author, speaker and storyteller Bruce Feiler wrote “6 Things the Happiest Families Have in Common.” He was asked what he would recommend as the most important advice he had for families. His answer? “Set aside time to talk about what it means to be a part of your family. Sit down with them and say ‘Okay, these are our ten central values.’ ‘This is the family we want to be. We want to be a family that doesn’t fight all the time.’ or ‘We want to be a family that goes camping or sailing’ or whatever it might be. When my family did it, it was literally a transforming experience. We ended up printing it and it hangs now in our dining room.” In other words, make a family mission statement--something Steven Covey strongly advocated as a way to strengthen the family through identifying values and traditions. Family traditions help to create lasting memories that children remember and continue with their own families. As we approach the holiday seasons, think about some of your family traditions. Taco Tuesdays? Taking evening walks after dinner? Favorite bedtime routines? Is it time to create some new traditions? For some inspiration and more ideas, check out “60+ Family Tradition Ideas” by Brett & Kate McKay. www.artofmanliness.com/articles/60-family-tradition-ideas/  Do you struggling to say no without feeling guilty? Are you sometimes drained by relationships that take more than they give? Join our monthly Self-Care Isn't Selfish** webinar featuring Coach Kendra Stein who will guide us to explore what boundaries really are (and aren’t), why they’re essential to our emotional and relational health, and support us in finding practical steps to start reclaiming our sense of self.
In this September 19th zoom webinar, you’ll learn the core principles from the best selling book Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend--and how to actually apply them in your everyday life. Walk away knowing how to protect your time, energy, and peace, while having more clarity and peace in how to show up in your relationships in a healthy way! Join us on Saturday, September 19, 2026, 10-11:30 am PT/1-2:30 pm ET. Register here for the zoom link: tinyurl.com/Self-Care-Sept-19 For more about Kendra Stein: www.apathtofamilyhealing.com/services **Self-Care Isn't Selfish is a project begun in 2022. We are a group of coaches who were trained by Hilde Wiemann, Generational Healing as well as members of Women's Federation for World Peace who feel inspired to combine our healing work with the vision of WFWP-- Women working together to establish a culture of heart in the family, community, nation, and world in order to achieve genuine and sustainable peace under God. You can view our past webinars on our YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/@Self-Care.Isnt.Selfish/videos  A few weeks ago, I published a blog entitled "Showing Up" and one of my readers asked how they can be present to their children when they already have so much on their plate. I realize that parents are juggling a great deal--jobs, getting kids to school on time, packing lunches, extra-curricular activities, laundry, making meals, dealing with homework, sick kids, and so much more. But I would like to offer a few suggestions that may help. Pick ONE that resonates with you and try it for a few weeks.
 A few weekends ago, I had the privilege of being part of an amazing intergenerational Family Camp in Northern California. This is the fourth year that I have served as the director, and I have been reflecting on the value of helping to create this kind of space. This Family Camp has been happening for almost 40 years and was started by Kristina Seher and others with the vision of bringing families together to experience connection and growth in God's beautiful creation. Now, the children who attended are bringing their children and we had a number of three generational families enjoying S'mores, swimming, family games, archery and more together.
There is something about singing and having a Sunday message while sitting next to 400–500-year-old trees, watching the sunlight filter through, and breathing in the fresh morning air that cannot be achieved in any church building. And it seems so much easier to have conversations between a teenager, a young couple, or someone my age in this magnificent setting. The question that comes to my mind is: How can we extend these experiences beyond a weekend at a scout camp in the Redwoods? With the help of Google and ChatGPT, I offer some suggestions. Perhaps I might inspire you to try one or two.
 A few years ago, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years.
Technology has changed our world forever. Kids, youth, and young adults today do not know a world without cellphones and other forms of media. These developments in technology connects them to news and trends instantaneously, significantly affecting and shaping their worldview. Events happening around the world are quickly available to us, which can impact our feelings of anxiety and fear. This onslaught of information is unprecedented in human history, and something that we all must learn how to navigate with discernment. As an increasingly global community, we often live far from extended families and the support they could offer. More households have both parents working, which adds additional pressure as they juggle work, school, family, and community. A much higher percentage of single/separated/divorced parents are navigating new challenges on their parenting journey. These added complexities can leave many families feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parents are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. How do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We simply need to be present. |
