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On our journey in life, the most profound thing that we can offer others--partners, children, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors--is our own healing and growth towards being a more loving person.
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 In her book, Radical Acceptance—Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha, author Tara Brach tells a tale of a tiger who lived for years in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. The tiger spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.
Eventually, biologists and staff at the zoo worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond, and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new and expansive environment. But sadly, it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. The tiger paced back and forth in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet became worn bare of any grass. If we take an honest look at how we live our lives, most of us will find that we have developed unhealthy patterns in our relationships. Entangled in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, self-judgement, and unworthiness, we have difficulty expressing our appreciation and love for those that we care about the most—parents, children, siblings, spouse, and friends. Like the tiger, we cage ourselves in and do not achieve the love, joy, and satisfaction that we were created to have. The way out of our cage begins with two important steps:
This is not an easy journey as we often live our lives from the neck up, not wanting to acknowledge the pain, turmoil and wounds that is going on within. It might seem counter-intuitive to focus on the things that are causing us pain, but we cannot heal or change those things of which we are not aware or do not acknowledge. As parents, we are given an amazing experience to grow and heal because we are choosing to be in an intimate parent-child relationship but this time our role is different. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell state in Parenting from the Inside Out, “How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children…your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood.” Negative emotions are not pleasant, but they are useful to understand what we need to address. When we pay attention to what we feel and experience in the relationship with our child, we can be awakened to those things that need our attention. We have a choice how we see the challenges that arise in our relationship with our child:
There is a misconception that others have the power to make us angry, sad, upset, or depressed. When we have unprocessed wounds and pain, we are reactive and respond unconsciously. But we can learn to think, feel, and act mindfully instead of repeating learned patterns of behavior. This takes time and patience and may involve collaborating with a coach, a counselor, working together with others in a parenting group, and/or reading books to support you on this journey.  On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.
Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  A highly effective tool that I teach to parents is the Enforceable Statement, also known as Turning Your Words to Gold. If you are like most parents, you find yourself telling your child things like, “Sit down,” “Be Quiet,” “Hurry up,” or “Brush your teeth right now.” The problem with these statements is that you are telling them to do something that you cannot control. Children quickly learn to test, push our buttons, and even win battles. Every time we tell our child to do something that we cannot enforce, we give away some of our power and a lot of our credibility.
Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do. An enforceable statement might sound like this:
Another way to think about the effectiveness of enforceable statements is that we are using words that help our child think about what is being communicated; we are using thinking words instead of fighting words. Some examples are:
 Are cell phones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones can also be harmful when used during family time! When you text and drive, the harm can be imminent. The risk of texting during family gatherings is cumulative, as it can gradually erode relationships.
Our lives are busy juggling work, school, family, extra-curricular activities, and more. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day that everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with those at our dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. If I use a phone at the dinner table, I send the message to my family, “You are so not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” More importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. When we model conversation skills, our table manners can become theirs. Technology can be a great tool to create connections. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite—it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time and becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family times, the impact can be enormous. We can become strangers to each other. Having some guidelines or rules about cell phones are important. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
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