 Recently, I attended a retreat focused on the inner work needed to become unconditionally loving. It gave me the opportunity to reflect on my journey over the past seven years of moving from surviving to thriving. I will be sharing some of that journey here and in upcoming blogs. If you would like support on your own path, I invite you to visit my coaching page: Coaching With Myrna Most days find us juggling too much, and just trying to get through the day becomes our goal. So, how do we become more present to those we care about the most? It starts with being more connected to ourselves and shining the light on the path in front of us. Recognizing that we cannot change the past but that we can impact our future, we need to acknowledge those moments when we need support. Asking for help, learning to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, and making time for reflection will serve us best as we move bravely forward into unexplored regions. Becoming aware of what is blocking or hindering us is a key place to start—whether it is limiting beliefs, a difficult childhood, a traumatic event, or habits cultivated over many years. Realizing that our parents did the best they could, we can begin to look at what is helpful from our past, and what we need to release because it is not serving our best interests. With patience and understanding when looking in the mirror of self-awareness, we can fold back the layers of who we have become to discover who we really want to be. For me, the awareness that I am holding on to unnecessary baggage began a long time ago, but I fought it tooth and nail, always falling back into what I knew—the familiarity of “doing.” I got my value from being responsible and getting things done, even though it was often from a place of duty. But in 2015, my husband and I moved to Georgia for his work, and I found myself without all the “doer hats” that I had been wearing. I struggled to find what I was supposed to “do.” I read many books including Who Moved My Cheese? and What Color is Your Parachute? I did a lot of crying, praying, and meditating. Finding a nearby yoga studio gave me the opportunity to become more self-aware and taught me incredible lessons about learning to be more flexible and to let things flow. Joining a community band allowed me to reconnect with the love and joy of creating music with others while playing my flute. Having some close friends and finding a coach with whom I could share honestly and feel supported and accepted helped tremendously. Reading the Real Love books by Dr. Greg Baer allowed me to understand that in order to be heard, seen, and loved for who I am, I need to recognize that the masks that I have worn to hide the pain no longer are serving me, and find ways to uncover the real me—warts and all. I discovered qigong, tapping, inner child work, the power of small groups (both in-person and over the internet), and so much more.  A student visited a famous Zen master and asked for guidance about living a life centered on Buddhism. The master began to discuss several topics: emptiness, mindfulness and meditation. But the student interrupted the master, saying, “Oh, I already know that.” Then the master invited the student to have some tea. He began pouring the tea into a teacup, filling it to the brim, spilling tea over the sides of the cup and onto the table. The student exclaimed, “Stop! You can’t pour tea into a full cup" to which the master replied, “Exactly, return to me when your cup is empty.”
If we think about our own lives, we can probably realize that our creativity and thinking abilities are relatively low, making us less open to new ways of looking at a situation or discovering new possible opportunities or solutions. After all, so much of adult life is about structure, coming up with concrete solutions to problems, and thinking in more black-and-white terms. We tend to lose more of that out-of-the-box thinking the older we get. Perhaps our teacup is filled with facts, thoughts and opinons that we have come to expect and accept. Divergent thinking is a type of creative process where several solutions and ideas are offered to address a challenge. This way of thinking can help increase creativity and innovation in problem-solving. Understanding how this thinking strategy works can also help us more successfully implement it at work, school, in our families and life. The opposite of divergent thinking is convergent thinking. If divergent thinking is all about coming up with creative solutions to a particular problem, convergent thinking is about evaluating a problem and coming up with a single correct answer. To be successful in life, we need both kinds of thinking. The challenge is that young children engage in creative thinking to a very high degree. In their early years, imaginative play is the dominant type of play they engage in--98% of kindergartners engage in “genius” levels of divergent thinking. But by the time they are 8-10 years old, research shows that number drops to about 50%. One way researchers evaluate divergent thinking in individuals is by the number of answers they give to questions like:
The good news is that we can cultivate divergent thinking in our children and ourselves. Some suggestions are:
The behavior of adolescents is often puzzling and upsetting for parents; they can be moody and uncommunicative. As parents and grandparents, we need to make peace with the reality that we cannot control our teenagers. We can, however, influence them and if our connection is strong, connecting and communication does happen. Adolescents have a difficult time to accept most things without questioning. It is the age of reasoning and thinking for themselves and we need to learn to not take it personally. It is an opportunity to have discussions, ask questions, listen to their answers and offer our own experiences and opinions in a respectful manner. The years from age 12 to 18 are the final passage before adulthood. During this stage, teenagers go through puberty with all of its rollercoaster of emotions, experience new levels of attraction to the opposite sex which can be both exciting and confusing, and are still discovering their ever-evolving identity. They are learning how to share their thoughts and desires in a deeper way and developing the foundation for a future intimate relationship with a committed partner. Nurturing the capacity for emotional intimacy is a family matter. Children learn to share their thoughts and feelings by doing it in their family and seeing it modeled for them by loving parents. Learning to trust and be trusted involves safety. It is important that there is the family culture creates a feeling of safety and that parents are aware of and address belittling, putdowns and other negative forms of sibling interaction. Use family meetings to work on ways of connecting and communicating: the-power-of-weekly-family-time.html If the connection is strong with their parents, adolescence can be a rewarding time for the family. A teenager is able of caring about the interests and concerns of their parents, siblings and others as well as having meaningful conversations about what is happening in the world around them and their ideas about their future. What they need from parents and grandparents:
A tool that my husband and I learned many years ago through a course entitled, "Growing Kids God's Way" is called Couch Time. Illustrated in the image below, it simply involves showing that your relationship is a priority, ideally in the presence of your kids. This isn't a time to talk about what they did wrong that day, when to get the car serviced or what to do this weekend. It is about being present and demonstrating your care and support for each other. Research shows that children's greatest sense of security comes when they are secure in the knowledge that their parents respect and love each other.   Between age 7 and 12 years old, your child begins to spend a great deal of time in relationship with others, outside of the parents’ control. This can be a source of uneasiness for parents. The child interacts with new relationships and environments with all their challenges and the impulses they call forth. Your child's ability to handle these new experiences isn't not because you are there with your child to help them navigate but because they have internalized what you have taught them. They are developing an inner moral compass that will serve them throughout their whole life.
Inside each child is the impulse to do will best helps them to become an adult. This is a part of each of our nature--part of God’s plan. There is an inner drive to attach and separate and reattach, explore and differentiate and develop their own identity. This happens with siblings, peers, friends and unlike much of the parent--child dynamic, this is a two-way relationship. They are asking themselves, “How do I fit in?” and “Who do I like to be with?” Up until now, the child has been focused on survival, self-development, and achieving personal power. The previous stage helped them to develop a sense of themselves relating to their parents and siblings. Now they begin the task of reorienting themselves to a larger world, they begin to make room in their lives for other people besides family. Usually during this stage, the child learns how to form successful friendships with same-sex peers and learns to care about the feelings of others. What they need:
FAMILY TOOL: Family meetings create opportunities to build relationships, solve problems and having the whole family engaged in the process of cooperating together. The purpose of the family meeting is three-fold.
Meeting together once a week with a family calendar helps to create the necessary structure needed for harmonious living and it communicates that your family is a priority. Discover more about how to host your first family meeting or enhance your current one here: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority  The Stage of Competence sees the child eager to develop new skills and discover more about themselves and what they are capable of. They begin to compare themselves to others, recognizing similarities and differences: Dad is stronger, a friend is taller, another friend runs faster, etc. They are ready to see what impact they can have on the world. They are able to begin to take risks and recover from loss or failure although the primary goal is winning. They have a strong sense of ownership—my toy, my dad, etc. This is the age of preschool and kindergarten when they are ready for “real learning.” From birth through age seven, the development stages lay the foundation for a healthy life:
The security that the child develops through strong connections with family and the confidence to explore helps them get ready to meet the world. It is preparing them to try new tasks, take risks, face the unknown, handle possible failures, deal with crises and learn to ask for help. Integration of these four stages gives the foundation for future success in relationships and school, work and social environments. What 4 to 7 year olds need from parents:
A tool that supports your child during this stage of development is Share the Thinking. Give your child the opportunity to have to think about how to solve a problem. Ask guiding questions and give them practice at making choices, solving problems and learning from mistakes. As a parent, watch your tendency to step in too quickly to fix something. Asking guiding questions instead of telling a child what to do empowers the child, creates cooperation instead of resistance and develops self-efficacy and ownership. See the example below of how a mom uses this tool with her four year old son Alex. Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.” Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.” Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.” “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.” Alex: "Great." Mom: "How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?" Alex: (He thinks for a bit and his mom is quiet, not saying a word, giving Alex time to think.) "I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?" Mom: "Sure honey. The car leaves in four minutes.  |
