A student visited a famous Zen master and asked for guidance about living a life centered on Buddhism. The master began to discuss several topics: emptiness, mindfulness and meditation.  But the student interrupted the master, saying, “Oh, I already know that.” Then the master invited the student to have some tea. He began pouring the tea into a teacup, filling it to the brim, spilling tea over the sides of the cup and onto the table. The student exclaimed, “Stop! You can’t pour tea into a full cup" to which the master replied, “Exactly, return to me when your cup is empty.”

If we think about our own lives, we can probably realize that our creativity and thinking abilities are relatively low, making us less open to new ways of looking at a situation or discovering new possible opportunities or solutions. After all, so much of adult life is about structure, coming up with concrete solutions to problems, and thinking in more black-and-white terms. We tend to lose more of that out-of-the-box thinking the older we get. Perhaps our teacup is filled with facts, thoughts and opinons that we have come to expect and accept.

Divergent thinking is a type of creative process where several solutions and ideas are offered to address a challenge. This way of thinking can help increase creativity and innovation in problem-solving. Understanding how this thinking strategy works can also help us more successfully implement it at work, school, in our families and life.

The opposite of divergent thinking is convergent thinking. If divergent thinking is all about coming up with creative solutions to a particular problem, convergent thinking is about evaluating a problem and coming up with a single correct answer. 

To be successful in life, we need both kinds of thinking. The challenge is that young children engage in creative thinking to a very high degree. In their early years, imaginative play is the dominant type of play they engage in​--98% of kindergartners engage in “genius” levels of divergent thinking. But by the time they are 8-10 years old, research shows that number drops to about 50%​.

One way researchers evaluate divergent thinking in individuals is by the number of answers they give to questions like:

• How many uses are there for a shoe?
• How many uses can you think of for a paper clip?

Most people offer 10 to 15 answers for these types of questions. Those who are able to access a divergent thinking process can come up with close to 200 answers. 

The good news is that we can cultivate divergent thinking in our children and ourselves. Some suggestions are:

• Ask open-ended questions which promotes thinking from different perspectives and not having only one answer.
• Don't demand absolute obedience. Creativity and obedience are often at odds. Work together to find solutions that work for both parties.
• Teach questioning assumptions in a respectful manner. Being able to challenge the norm in a safe environment with parents not only fosters divergent thinking but also teaches kids how to analyze problems.
• Learn a second language. Studies have found that children who learn a second language in elementary school years have more flexible and divergent thinking than those who speak only one language.
• Listening to music, practicing meditation, participating in improv experiences, and including humor in one's life all contribute to being a more creative person.

Like the empty teacup, our mind and life needs to open so that we may discover, learn, grow and see things differently. Awe and wonder can challenge or expand our thinking—allowing us to see beyond what is on the surface. This allows us to collaborate together to find win-win solutions that support thriving families and communities.

The behavior of adolescents is often puzzling and upsetting for parents; they can be moody and uncommunicative. As parents and grandparents, we need to make peace with the reality that we cannot control our teenagers. We can, however, influence them and if our connection is strong, connecting and communication does happen. Adolescents have a difficult time to accept most things without questioning. It is the age of reasoning and thinking for themselves and we need to learn to not take it personally. It is an opportunity to have discussions, ask questions, listen to their answers and offer our own experiences and opinions in a respectful manner.
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The years from age 12 to 18 are the final passage before adulthood. During this stage, teenagers go through puberty with all of its rollercoaster of emotions, experience new levels of attraction to the opposite sex which can be both exciting and confusing, and are still discovering their ever-evolving identity. They are learning how to share their thoughts and desires in a deeper way and developing the foundation for a future intimate relationship with a committed partner.

Nurturing the capacity for emotional intimacy is a family matter. Children learn to share their thoughts and feelings by doing it in their family and seeing it modeled for them by loving parents. Learning to trust and be trusted involves safety. It is important that there is the family culture creates a feeling of safety and that parents are aware of and address belittling, putdowns and other negative forms of sibling interaction. Use family meetings to work on ways of connecting and communicating:  the-power-of-weekly-family-time.html

If the connection is strong with their parents, adolescence can be a rewarding time for the family. A teenager is able of caring about the interests and concerns of their parents, siblings and others as well as having meaningful conversations about what is happening in the world around them and their ideas about their future.

What they need from parents and grandparents:

• Family matters—nurture the capacity for emotional connection and intimacy and pay attention. Your relationship with your teenager is the best way to communicate your values. It is very possible to have authentic and honest communication. Model what you want them to inherit.
• Children learn to share thoughts and feelings by seeing others do so—our modeling of this skill is important. Sharing deep thoughts and feelings together is preparation for future relationships, spouse, and close friends. If this is something that is difficult for you, admit it and look for opportunities to work on your listening and communication skills. Consider signing up for a Safe Conversations workshop: Create Connection in Relationships
• Teens are very perceptive, observant and dislike hypocrisy. It is important that home is a space where they can express their views and opinions and learn to respectfully disagree with each other.  
• Conversations that provide information on choices, sex, negotiate rules and limits. They need to hear that they can say “No” to friends and situations that make them uncomfortable. Consciously helping a child to learn to say no is helping them develop respect for themselves and their inner integrity.
• They need parents who pay attention and ask questions/step in to provide safety. The paradox is that the teenager wants freedom but needs structure and guidance. If the parents aren’t providing it, they sometimes do things that get them into trouble and ignore rules in order to get their parents to pay attention.
• Teenagers need to see that their parents are continuing to learn and grow. The best environment is one in which the parents are working on their relationship with each other.

A tool that my husband and I learned many years ago through a course entitled, "Growing Kids God's Way" is called Couch Time. Illustrated in the image below, it simply involves showing that your relationship is a priority, ideally in the presence of your kids. This isn't a time to talk about what they did wrong that day, when to get the car serviced or what to do this weekend. It is about being present and demonstrating your care and support for each other.

​Research shows that children's greatest sense of security comes when they are secure in the knowledge that their parents respect and love each other.

​Between age 7 and 12 years old, your child begins to spend a great deal of time in relationship with others, outside of the parents’ control. This can be a source of uneasiness for parents. The child interacts with new relationships and environments with all their challenges and the impulses they call forth. Your child's ability to handle these new experiences isn't not because you are there with your child to help them navigate but because they have internalized what you have taught them. They are developing an inner moral compass that will serve them throughout their whole life.

Inside each child is the impulse to do will best helps them to become an adult. This is a part of each of our nature--part of God’s plan. There is an inner drive to attach and separate and reattach, explore and differentiate and develop their own identity. This happens with siblings, peers, friends and unlike much of the parent--child dynamic, this is a two-way relationship. They are asking themselves, “How do I fit in?” and “Who do I like to be with?” 

Up until now, the child has been focused on survival, self-development, and achieving personal power. The previous stage helped them to develop a sense of themselves relating to their parents and siblings. Now they begin the task of reorienting themselves to a larger world, they begin to make room in their lives for other people besides family. Usually during this stage, the child learns how to form successful friendships with same-sex peers and learns to care about the feelings of others.


What they need:

• This age child needs wisdom and guidance from you, their parents. On the foundation of a loving relationship between you and your child, they will confide in you their struggles and seek your input and guidance. If the parent is over- or under-involved in their child's life, this is a cue to look at their own wounding from this stage in their life and begin to recognize what needs to be healed.
• Preteens need to take risks and understandably, this causes parents to feel distressed. Some time ago, I heard a new parenting term--being a hummingbird parent. Instead of hovering and micro-managing like the helicopter parent, the hummingbird parent sits nearby, zooms in when necessary and zooms out again. As children grow in age, the parents can step back further to allow more freedom while still being available when needed. I really like this model. We need to assess what is needed and sometimes engage, sometimes back off. For more on this, see the past blogpost on hummingbird-parenting.html
• As much as possible, try to like and approve of their friends—invite them over, get to know them, provide food and a place to hang out. Instead of lecturing, ask guiding questions.
• Provide balance—step in to help them resolve the tension between wanting to belong vs sense of right and wrong.
• Loving our children means being emotionally available but also respect privacy and need to try things out.
• At this stage, children move from being self-centered to caring for others. Find ways to encourage and support this developing characteristic is important.

FAMILY TOOL:  Family meetings create opportunities to build relationships, solve problems and having the whole family engaged in the process of cooperating together. The purpose of the family meeting is three-fold.

• It is an opportunity to create connection.
• Everyone works together to make a schedule that fits everyone's needs.
• It is an opportunity to share your family values with your children. 

Meeting together once a week with a family calendar helps to create the necessary structure needed for harmonious living and it communicates that your family is a priority. Discover more about how to host your first family meeting or enhance your current one here:
www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority

The Stage of Competence sees the child eager to develop new skills and discover more about themselves and what they are capable of. They begin to compare themselves to others, recognizing similarities and differences: Dad is stronger, a friend is taller, another friend runs faster, etc. They are ready to see what impact they can have on the world. They are able to begin to take risks and recover from loss or failure although the primary goal is winning. They have a strong sense of ownership—my toy, my dad, etc. This is the age of preschool and kindergarten when they are ready for “real learning.”

From birth through age seven, the development stages lay the foundation for a healthy life:

• Attachment stage-of-attachment-birth-to-18-months.html
• Exploration stage-of-exploration-18-months-to-3-years.html
• Identity stage-of-identity-3-4-years.html
• Competence 

​The security that the child develops through strong connections with family and the confidence to explore helps them get ready to meet the world. It is preparing them to try new tasks, take risks, face the unknown, handle possible failures, deal with crises and learn to ask for help. Integration of  these four stages gives the foundation for future success in relationships and school, work and social environments.

What 4 to 7 year olds need from parents:

• They need consistent availability, warmth and support from the parents.
• They need to be rewarded/acknowledged for the child’s engagement in the process, not a successful outcome. Encourage the sense that failure to master a task at first gives opportunity to try again. Support, encourage and praise the process of learning how to learn.
• They continue to need physical and emotional safety.
• Time and space to explore is essential; allow an area of the home where it is ok to make a mess.
• Focus on what the child does, not their character, motivation, or result. Focus on their behavior, not who they are as a person. Say, “I see that you are upset or frustrated", not “Why are you so lazy, mean or giving up so easily?” Ask “Would you like some help or show you how to do that…?”
• They need to question authority; have conversations about why we do things a certain way or have specific rules and values.

A tool that supports your child during this stage of development is Share the Thinking. Give your child the opportunity to have to think about how to solve a problem. Ask guiding questions and give them practice at making choices, solving problems and learning from mistakes. As a parent, watch your tendency to step in too quickly to fix something. Asking guiding questions instead of telling a child what to do empowers the child, creates cooperation instead of resistance and develops self-efficacy and ownership. See the example below of how a mom uses this tool with her four year old son Alex.

Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.”
Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.”
Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.”  “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.”
Alex: "Great."
Mom: "How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?"
Alex: (He thinks for a bit and his mom is quiet, not saying a word, giving Alex time to think.) "I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?"
Mom: "Sure honey. The car leaves in four minutes.