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 I have a troubled past with plants. I buy them with every intention of watering and nourishing them. But often, I get busy, distracted and I forget to take care of them. Recently, I was so excited to see that my lavender plant (pictured here) is blooming beautifully. Then, after a hot spring day, I went to my back patio, and all the purple heads were bending over from lack of water. After giving it a good soak, the plant revived but it made me think about what else I need to pay more attention to.
Paying attention to others can be as simply as noticing something positive and mentioning it in a casual way. It might be that I commented to my adult son that I noticed how patient he is with his daughter. I can appreciate my sister who is the one to take care of our parents when they need a new phone or help with something at their assisted living. Thanking her for her loving care and asking how she is doing is putting words to my gratitude. Or it is noticing how carefully my granddaughter is watering the lavender plant in the backyard, mentioning that I see that she is trying to not get the bees wet. Children benefit from the attention grown-ups give them in ordinary, everyday ways as well as harder moments when they are struggling. And this process of attuning to each other can benefit parents too—paying attention is a way to establish and strengthen their connection. Provide each child with at least 10 minutes of your undivided attention each day. When kids receive regular doses of healthy, positive attention, they reduce their attention-seeking behaviors. Kids are less likely to whine, ask the same question over and over, or start poking at their sibling when they've been given regular doses of positive attention. Adult children, spouses, parents, siblings, and friends all appreciate being noticed as well. Expressing an appreciation about something we are grateful for to another helps them feel seen and loved. When someone shares something that they are dealing with, asking, "Is there more about that?" expresses our interest in how they are doing. Lastly, we all need to pay attention to our own needs as well. Self-care isn't selfish--it helps us be our best selves which makes the world a better place for ourselves and all those we care about. Who or what do you need to pay attention to this week?  Safe Conversations® has a three-step dialogue process: Mirroring, Validating, and Empathizing. This process helps us find common ground and conduct all our conversations within a safe space. Imagine what it would be like if you and your partner could have that annual money talk without fighting! Imagine talking about it calmly, lovingly, with both of you feeling heard and valued. How about discussing with your teenager the importance of making better choices about chores and curfew without any arguments or drama?
The aim of the structure dialogue process is to create safety in relationships so that honest conversations can happen without a power struggle. The three-steps help us to stay in the prefrontal cortex of our brain. Also, known as the upper brain, it is here that we can think, observe, remember past good experiences, and find win-win solutions. It is the portal through which interpersonal relationships are established. You can find more about the brain impacts our relationships and our emotions in these previous blog posts: our-brain-in-relationships.html flipping-your-lid.html Mirroring is the important first step because it is about being heard and understood. If I am the one listening, my job is to listen to understand and mirror back what I’ve heard. This is a new way of listening that can open us up to curiosity instead of judgement. If I am the one speaking, I can feel safe to explore my feelings and begin to recognize that I am influenced by events from my past. It is important to recognize that our past impacts our current relationships and explore how this may be happening. The first part of mirroring—asking for an appointment—changed my relationship with my husband. Asking, “Is now a good time to talk?” helped me to approach him with greater respect and allowed him to say “Yes, it is” or “No, now is not a good time.” If he said not now, I could ask for a future appointment. This simple question changed my habit of beginning a conversation without considering what he was doing. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone you didn’t see eye-to-eye with and they said, “You know? You make sense. I can totally see why you’d think that.” It’s a pretty safe bet that doesn’t happen very often. Most of us are taught to talk at or around or over each other rather than listen to truly understand. Validating another person’s thoughts and feelings is not about agreeing or disagreeing with what they express. It is acknowledging that they make sense. It removes us from our defensiveness and helps us begin to look at the situation from the other’s point of view. Even if we don’t agree with them, we still let them know that they make sense – that THEY are what matters, not the opinions they hold. Validating one another is so important. It shows that our relationships can weather even the most polarizing opinions because, through the skill of validation, we can connect beyond our differences. Validating is the bridge to Empathy. If a person’s experiences make sense, we can imagine how they might feel. Empathizing is the highest form of connection in the Space Between. Connecting happens when we hear the words and experiences of another (mirroring) and understand their impact (validating). Then and only then, can we imagine how they might feel. Dr. Harville Hendrix, co-founder of Safe Conversations®, has said, “Empathy is the capacity for one individual to imagine or experience the emotional state of another person even when they have not had a similar experience.” Receiving empathy is our deepest longing--to have our feelings recognized and acknowledged. I invite you to experience this amazing dialogue process for yourself. Check for the next Safe Conversations workshop opportunity here: Create Connection in Relationships  Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be taught.
It isn’t instinctive to slow down and take the steps necessary to really understand another person. It begins with being present to my partner, my child, friend, or co-worker. Creating connections is what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives. Connection is the foundation for communication and for experiencing the greatest joy within our relationships. We can learn to listen to understand, and experience being truly heard as well. In the process, we can experience a greater sense of connection and belonging with others. I have experienced this through Safe Conversations® which was co-created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. They’ve taken their experience working with couples for 40+ years and simplified best practices so all relationships can have greater connection, understanding, empathy and respect. When I first attended a Safe Conversations® workshop:
Beginning with the understanding that differences of opinions and choices in life are inevitable, we can learn to better navigate our relationships with our partner, our children, parents, friends and more. Accept that the person you’re talking with has triggers just like you do and that you can choose not to pull those triggers. Accept that conflict is inevitable, but how we manage it makes all the difference. Learning to use this structured dialogue process enabled me to have honest authentic conversations and connect more deeply with my husband, sons and other family members and friends. When I discovered that my frustrations were really wishes in disguise, I could change my focus from what I didn’t have into what I wanted and desired. My personal experience with Safe Conversations® leads me to become a trained facilitator, teaching the process in workshops and coaching sessions. Consider experiencing this amazing process for yourself. I invite you to join the three hour online webinar Saturday, April 29 from 9 am to 12 noon PT/12--3 pm ET. Join with a family member and learn to create greater connection and understanding. For more information and to register: Create Connection in Relationships Take a look at this two minute testimony of a Safe Conversations' facilitator and her father on how it changed their relationship: youtu.be/4m9xgXuKCB8  I work with a group of coaches who host a monthly "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" webinar series. (See more info at the end of this blog about this series.) You would think that I would be better at taking care of my own needs--physical, emotional, spiritual, relational. And yet, I find that I still need to remind myself to make time each day for meditation, prayer, reflection, conversation and connection. It has been a life-long journey to learn that my own needs matter; when I don't pay attention to this, I get irritated, grumpy, resentful, argumentative and even angry. And the thing that is difficult to admit is that I take it out on those that I care about the most. But it is never too late to make changes in how we live life. Through understanding and taking care of our own needs, we can be better parents, spouses, siblings, children and friends. Below is an excerpt from the chapter in my book entitled, "The Gift of Being the Best Parent You Can Be. I want to convey that it is never too late to heal the past! No matter where you are on this life journey, just find the next step. In this chapter, I will share resources that can support you as you navigate this process. And I want to commend you for your courage of being willing to face that which blocks you from being your best self and parent. For me, I will always be a wounded healer, but I can reach back to help others as I step forward. Through this process of healing myself, I discovered my passion for working with others as they focus on healing their relationships and their families. Over and over, I am reminded that healing is a process of being intentional; it begins with becoming more present to ourselves, and involves peeling back layer after layer to discover our true self. Being willing to do this rewarding but often challenging work is an essential starting point. This journey may last the rest of your life as you discover the wounds that need healing, learn to use tools that uncover both the pain and the possibilities, find better ways of connecting with family and friends, and enjoy greater happiness and satisfaction. It is important to find support as you navigate this process. This support may come in a parents’ group, individual or group therapy, or studying one of the books that I recommend here and at the end of this chapter. There are many resources available online or in your local community. Learning meditation, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), yoga, qigong or other mindful practices can help you become more self-aware. I recommend Recovery of Your Inner Child, by Dr. Lucia Capaccione, as a resource to guide you through the steps to become aware of who your inner child is. It provides safe, firsthand experiences through a variety of creative art activities that can be done individually or in a group. Dr. Capacchione says, “For us to be fully human, the Child Within must be embraced and expressed. . . . Inside every adult, there is a child crying, ‘Let me out.’” The concept of the Inner Child may be new to you. When asked how we know that our Inner Child is present, Dr. Capacchione answered, “When we have feelings. The Inner Child is the emotional self. It is where our feelings live. When you experience joy, sadness, anger, fear or affection, your Child Within is coming out.” Limiting beliefs live in our emotions, and they are our mind’s way of saving us in dangerous or difficult situations when we were little. When we experienced an emotionally challenging situation as a young child, our mind looked for a way to help and save us. Children can absorb overwhelming emotions without logically understanding them; the limiting belief becomes the interpretation to make sense of it. When we are not aware of the limiting beliefs and painful memories that we hold onto, our ability to nurture and love can be inhibited. The emotions are still there, trying to get our attention when we feel anxious, stressed, and feeling overwhelmed at work or with our children. Healing of the Inner Child begins by recognizing and experiencing our own child. Often, recurring emotional and physical issues in adulthood are signs that our Inner Child is trying to be heard. Since the 1980s, the need for this kind of healing has been recognized by psychologists who used Voice Dialogue and recovery groups as they worked toward the roots of addictions and mental health challenges. “Experts have estimated that ninety-five percent of the population received inadequate parenting. . . . Almost all of us have some Inner Child healing to do, says Dr. Capacchione. The good news is that there are many tools available to support us in reparenting ourselves. Through our relationship with our child, we can become aware of triggers or issues that are unresolved, but it is important to understand that we are the only ones who can do our own work. Stefanie Stahl, German psychologist, author, and presenter, has another great resource on the inner child. Her book, The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self is now available in English—originally written in German in 2015. Her approach focuses on making friends with our inner child. By doing this, we can discover amazing ways to resolve conflicts, make our relationships happier, and find answers to almost any problem. Dr. Stahl states that only when we befriend our inner child can we recognize the unmet childhood needs and scars that we carry inside us. Her book offers many insights and methods of recognizing old patterns and developing new attitudes and behaviors to support healthier relationships. Self-Care Isn't Selfish/past webinars: www.youtube.com/channel/UCjNse0OLKMACp0LknHIbdFA Register for Saturday, May 13 at 10 am PT: tinyurl.com/Self-Care-May-2023  |