 In her book, Radical Acceptance—Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha, author Tara Brach tells a tale of a tiger who lived for years in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. The tiger spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.
Eventually, biologists and staff at the zoo worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond, and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new and expansive environment. But sadly, it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. The tiger paced back and forth in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet became worn bare of any grass. If we take an honest look at how we live our lives, most of us will find that we have developed unhealthy patterns in our relationships. Entangled in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, self-judgement, and unworthiness, we have difficulty expressing our appreciation and love for those that we care about the most—parents, children, siblings, spouse, and friends. Like the tiger, we cage ourselves in and do not achieve the love, joy, and satisfaction that we were created to have. The way out of our cage begins with two important steps:
This is not an easy journey as we often live our lives from the neck up, not wanting to acknowledge the pain, turmoil and wounds that is going on within. It might seem counter-intuitive to focus on the things that are causing us pain, but we cannot heal or change those things of which we are not aware or do not acknowledge. As parents, we are given an amazing experience to grow and heal because we are choosing to be in an intimate parent-child relationship but this time our role is different. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell state in Parenting from the Inside Out, “How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children…your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood.” Negative emotions are not pleasant, but they are useful to understand what we need to address. When we pay attention to what we feel and experience in the relationship with our child, we can be awakened to those things that need our attention. We have a choice how we see the challenges that arise in our relationship with our child:
There is a misconception that others have the power to make us angry, sad, upset, or depressed. When we have unprocessed wounds and pain, we are reactive and respond unconsciously. But we can learn to think, feel, and act mindfully instead of repeating learned patterns of behavior. This takes time and patience and may involve collaborating with a coach, a counselor, working together with others in a parenting group, and/or reading books to support you on this journey.  I recently spent the day at a beautiful Maui beach on vacation with family. As I made my way into the water, it was a struggle to navigate with waves break around my knees pulling me towards the shore and the receding water underneath pulling my feet back towards the ocean. Finally, I reached the deeper water and was able to float effortlessly, rising with the swelling waves instead of wrestling with them.
As I relaxed and looked around, I noticed a school of small fish swim by and a sea turtle raise its head out of the water to breathe. A young child, supported by a parent, was learning to ride a surfboard into the shore. Off in the distance, a sailboat glided along. I reflected on the strength of the ocean. The ocean isn’t something to control but we can find ways to cooperate with the ocean's power—like the surfers we had seen the day before. Learning to respect this power is important for anyone living and working near an ocean. If I am honest with myself, I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to control things in my life that weren’t meant to be controlled—people, situations, relationships, circumstances, and more. How about you? What relationship comes to mind—your child, your partner, maybe a boss or co-worker, or how about a parent or in-law? When was the last time you struggled with a frustrating situation at work, on a committee or during a family vacation when things just weren’t working? There are some things that have helped me to learn to let go of this need to control. First, I am learning to not take things personally. Usually, people are doing the best they can. When others overreact, it isn’t just to me but to a lifetime of pain and wounding. Studying and practicing Real Love with intentional small groups has given me the support and safety to discover my own wounding and begin to heal. Secondly, learning the tools of Safe Conversations has helped me become a better listener as well as find ways to communicate my own needs calmly and with respect. Also, I have discovered practices that support me letting go of the need to control—Emotional Freedom Technique, Mindfulness, Inner Child work, Ho’oponopono, journaling, meditation and more. As a coach and educator, I use all of these tools to help others work towards a happier life. Still reflecting, I made my way back toward the beach. Suddenly, I found myself knocked off balance by a wave and landed face down in the sand. Before I could get up, I was on my back, flipped over like a pancake by an aggressive chef. It was a good reminder that I need to be present to the work of continuing to find greater balance in my life. And because I have been working on letting things go that I can’t control, I got up with a smile and as much grace as I could muster. If you would like to know more about what I offer as a coach, click here: Coaching Find out more about Safe Conversations and considering signing up for the next workshop, click here: Safe Conversations  The most important component in raising your child is your connection to them. Your relationship with them is the building block for their future relationships. Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us.
Taking time to talk and listen, really listen, to your child is essential. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is while running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, and establishing family traditions and weekend outings. Parenting is an inside job. Regardless of all the technological advances in our society today, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their child. As you and your partner guide your child through your relationship with them, you support them in learning to make good choices, taking responsibility and learning from their mistakes. Through this connection and support, they develop a moral compass—an inner voice—that can guide them throughout their whole life. In fact, I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. Excerpt from my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, available here: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  Recently, my husband and I have been preparing to sell our house in Georgia. After de-cluttering and a lot of cleaning, our agent was walking through the place with us and making recommendations about possible changes. She mentioned replacing the chandelier that hangs in our two-story foyer. I was thinking, “What’s wrong with the light? It works fine and seems OK to me.” However, my extremely resourceful and handy husband pulled the light over to the second-floor balcony to have a look. He cleaned every inch of the glass and replaced the light bulbs. It was amazing—the chandelier looks the best it ever has and it definitely didn’t need to be replaced! As I was admiring it that evening, I realized that our experience with the chandelier has applications to our lives. Sometimes, we get busy with the daily details and forget to pay attention to our relationships with those we love the most. They get dusty and gather cobwebs as we rush to get things done. We miss the precious moments to stop and say a kind word or touch a shoulder because we are so focused on what we need to do. Our connection and our lives lose some of their brightness. And we wonder what happened, how we got here and where the time went. After many years of research, Dr. Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.” That connection is what we create when we pay attention to each other and invest in our relationships with our partners, children, parents, grandparents and friends. Even when we are not physically together, we can send a text, share a joke, find time to video chat or write an email. Currently I am in training to become a Safe Conversations facilitator and the founders, Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD state that a relationship is two (or more) people and the “space between” them. What we put into the space between impacts the quality of our connection. Using a dialogue process, affirmations and a commitment to practicing “zero negativity,” I am learning to support individuals as they deepen their connection with each other and find greater joy and wonder in their lives. If you are interested in knowing more, check the website safeconversations.com/ I will be offering a Safe Conversations class in November after relocating to Northern California. Let me know if you would like to be on the list or would like more information Contact Me The more light we allow into our lives and our relationships, the brighter our world will be.  Some of you know that I am wrote a book entitled, "The 7 Best Gifts To Give Your Child." Just thought I'd share an excerpt from the introduction. It is now available here:
www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH As a preschool and kindergarten teacher for 25 years, I had a small plaque hanging in my classroom that read, “I touch the future, I teach.” This simple reminder helped keep me connected to why I chose the teaching profession, especially during the challenges and frustrations that arise in trying to make learning fun for a room full of young children. Now as a Parent Educator and Coach, I support parents as they raise their children. My new motto is “I touch the future, I parent!” Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe (protected), seen (cared for and loved), soothed (comforted when hurting) and secure (feeling “at home” in the world.) Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parent are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. And how do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We just need to be present.  Recently, I heard a story about how a parent handled a mistake that her daughter made. The girl had dropped a glass that shattered across the hard floor and her face illuminated the horror she felt.
Rather than focusing on the mess on the floor, the mother picked up the girl and carried her to safety. Then she said, "You feel bad, don't you? Many times I have made you feel ashamed when you made mistakes by frowning, raising my voice or saying hurtful words. I want you to know that I was wrong to do that. You needed me to love you and I was mean. I am sorry." Then the mother took her daughter to a mirror, asked her to look at her reflection and said, "Do you know what I see? I see my lovely daughter who tries to do the right thing. Sometimes she isn't paying attention and she makes mistakes. But you are not a mistake, you are beautiful and I love you just the way you are. Let me give you a hug and then, let's go clean up the broken glass." I was struck with how important it is for us as parents and grandparents to convey to our children/grandchildren that they are so much more than their mistakes and broken parts. They receive this message constantly from the culture around that no one will love them as they are and so they pretend they are someone else by hiding behind the latest shoes, clothing, makeup, friends, trends and gadgets. It reminded me of the song from The Greatest Showman "This Is Me." It begins: I'm not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say 'Cause we don't want your broken parts I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one will love you as you are But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me... There is much more to this powerful song. You can hear it sung by Keala Settle and others from the movie at the link below. In fact, if you haven't seen The Great Showman movie, I highly recommend it. Even if you have seen it, rewatch it with your middle school and older kids and have a discussion about who we are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw I believe that for many of us, we still have feelings, wounds and beliefs hidden away that cause us to feel ashamed of our mistakes and broken parts. We cannot give to others what we don't recognize and honor within ourselves. To reclaim the power of unconditional love, we have to start with ourselves.  About a month ago, I started hearing noises overhead at night while trying to fall asleep. We have a large oak tree in our back yard and it isn’t unusual to hear squirrels run across our roof but not at night. After a few nights of lying awake due to the scratching noises, I became convinced that one of the squirrels was living in our attic.
I was met with skepticism when I told my husband, Michael. That is until one night, he heard the noise too. Now I love nature and animals as long as they don’t decide to move into my domain. What I really wanted was for my husband to do something about it—to fix the problem. But he wasn’t quick to respond. I am not proud to say that I went into victim mode. I whined and fussed and complained. Finally, he said, “Why don’t you do something about it? Call someone to get a quote.” Wow, what a novel idea! Here I was wanting him to take care of the problem and suddenly, I was empowered to take action. I contacted four companies that came to our home, tramped around in the attic and gave free quotes for their solution to our problem. I found out way more than I ever cared to know about critters that live in attics—roof rats, squirrels and even bats. Turns out that squirrels can squeeze themselves through a hole the size of an apple core and rats can get through even smaller openings. And our roof had a number of possible entrances. One of the inspectors pointed out a chewed-out area on one of the gables that looked large enough for a whole family of squirrels to gain access. Michael got in on the action by putting a motion-sensitive camera in the attic and we identified our unwelcome guest—a raccoon! The amazing thing about acting like a victim is that it puts us in a state to view everything in life as happening to us. Victimhood is the belief that other people need to make us happy and solve our problems for us. With impeccable timing, Michael and I have been reading Greg Baer’s “Real Love for Wise Men and Women” during the raccoon habitation. Dr. Baer says, “If I appear pathetic and helpless enough—if I act like a victim—I can attract your sympathy and accomplish two things: you might not hurt me and you might give me what I want. Victims have to lie about their responsibility for the choices they make, and they have to lie about other people being perpetrators. These lies separate them from the truth and the possibility of feeling Real Love.” Children learn their beliefs and behaviors from observing us. If in their presence, we whine and complain about our boss, our co-workers, our spouses, the government, the neighbors and so on, our children see us and learn to act like victims themselves. As well, we teach them to act like victims when we allow them to manipulate us. These learned behaviors can contribute to our children developing a sense of entitlement and view the world as treating them unfairly. Almost all parents, when asked what they most want for their children, would respond that they want them to be happy. Being a victim can buy sympathy and attention, but never Real Love. Genuine happiness comes from taking responsibility, doing what needs to be done and feeling the sense of accomplishment no matter how old we are. I am happy to say that we hired one of the pest companies. They have removed the raccoon and will patch up the holes in a few days. And I had the opportunity to relearn an important lesson in part because I have a wise husband who is helping me to recognize and move out of victimhood.  Recently, I was needed to help my husband with the replacement of our kitchen oven. It turns out that an oven purchased from Home Depot is delivered to our home and for a fee, they will take the old one away. But the installation of the new oven into the gaping is not part of the deal.
Being a very capable engineer, my husband knew how to accomplish this task but raising the oven to the correct height in order to slide it into its location was the tricky part. With some 4 x 4 pieces of wood and a sturdy car jack, the task was accomplished. My role in this adventure was stabilizing the oven as it was lifted on the jack. Everything went smoothly without any incidents or injuries. A few days later, I was reflecting on this task and was amazed at our teamwork. I also realized something about me. I have a history of getting upset, even angry, with my husband when we have tried to accomplish things together. It usually involved me:
Granted, our approaches to life are often polar opposites. I usually consider options and make decisions fairly quickly. He puts a lot more thought and research into his decisions. He uses scientific evidence and logical reasoning to arrive at his life views whereas I rely much more on intuition and experience. Upon my reflection, I realized that I have changed in how I hear my husband and respond him. And the biggest reason why is because I feel more loved. Probably he has learned how to express his love in ways that I am better able to receive. But the greatest difference is that I am learning how to fill up my own love tank and accept his suggestions and ideas as support instead of accusations. In his book, “Real Love,” author Greg Baer states that we ‘act badly’ because we are drowning. Without enough Real Love—the single most important ingredient required for happiness—people feel like they’re drowning all the time. Then we use the Getting and Protecting Behaviors that allow us to temporarily keep our heads above water. The reality is that my husband or my children are not the source of my unhappiness. I came to this family with baggage—feeling unworthy & lonely, full of anger and afraid that others would discover this. As I have learned to be honest with them about these emotions and to listen to how this has impacted our family dynamic, we are learning a new way of relating and loving.  As we approach the end of 2020, there are many articles, blogs and advertisements that encourage us to think of our New Year’s Resolutions. According to an article on Forbes.com from 12/31/18, less than 25% of people who make resolutions stay committed after 1 month and only 8% accomplish them. The article recommends having specific attainable goals instead, ones that have actionable steps that you can track each day/week.
As you think about goals that you would like to work on in the new year, I would like to suggest that you do some thinking about areas of your life in which you want to make different choices. In college, I had a class assignment to write my own eulogy. We were asked to think what we wanted to be remember for at the end of our lives. I have forgotten what I wrote but looking at my life now, I want to be remembered as someone who was a good friend, who knew how to listen, who was authentic and enjoyed life immensely. In her book, “Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing,” Bronnie Ware shares about the wisdom she learned from her patients while working in palliative care. bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/# Here is what she discovered: 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. "This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." 2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. "This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence." 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. "Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result." 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. "Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying." 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. "This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again." After reading this, I want to make different choices about my relationships in the new year. Here are several of my goals:
What are some choices/goals that you want to make in 2020?  From the stories of King Arthur and his knights comes the one about Sir Gawain. In the tale, Sir Gawain agrees to marry Ragnell, a grotesquely ugly woman, in exchange for information that will spare the life of King Arthur. On their wedding day, a great sense of mourning hung in the air because King Arthur’s handsome and gallant knight was being married to a monstrous hag.
On his wedding night, Sir Gawain waited in bed while is bride prepared herself for their first night together. When Ragnell laid down beside him, she said, “You have kept your promise and much more. You have never shown me pity nor revulsion. All I will ask of you is one kiss.” Closing his eyes, Gawain leaned over and kissed his bride. When he opened his eyes, he was startled to see a beautiful woman lying next to him. Leaping from the bed, he exclaimed, “Who are you? Where is my wife and is this sorcery?” Calming, Ragnell said, “I am your wife and I will tell you my story.” She told of how her stepbrother, Sir Gromer, hated her because of her beauty and the fact that she didn’t succumb to his fear tactics and commands. His jealousy and resentment lead him to convince his mother—an evil sorceress—to turn her into one of the ugliest women ever. Ragnell then told Sir Gawain that there was a second part of the curse. She said, “Since you have treated me with love and compassion, I am allowed to give you a choice. I can be a beautiful woman by day, so that all may admire me and consider you a lucky man, but I would become the ugly Ragnell by night. Or I can be the ugly Ragnell by day, only to become the beautiful woman you see before you at night. Which would you prefer?” Without a moment’s hesitation, Gawain replied, “This should not be my choice but yours. You must choose for yourself. I will accept either decision as long as it is your will.” And with that response, the curse was lifted and Ragnell was the beautiful woman she was meant to be day and night. This story captures the essence of true, unconditional love which is meant to be the basis of all relationships. Sir Gawain wasn’t focused only on his own needs but saw beyond them and was concerned about his wife’s happiness and well-being. His desire to empower her is what healed each of them and could bring them both real joy. As partners and parents, we often lose sight of this way of viewing love and believe that love doesn’t dwell within but is separate/outside of us. In his book “Mindful Loving—10 Practices for Creating Dee per Connections,” Dr. Henry Grayson says, “Thinking of love and God/the Divine as separate from us, we create a never-ceasing need to seek love outside of ourselves…And by shifting the responsibility for change from ourselves to the other person, we unwittingly reinforce an insidious cycle of blame that prevents true healing.” There are many books and practices on how to heal our relationships with our spouses, children, parents, siblings and more. But the essential point that is often missed is that all change begins with me and my daily choices. The more I delve into relationship work, I am discovering that the central purpose of all relationships is to help us uncover our essential Divine Nature, and to help others do the same. If you would like support on your own healing journey, please check out what I offer and Contact Me. |