 Connecting describes us, it is our true nature. We are meant to feel connected to each other as couples, within families, even in our neighborhoods and communities. When we feel connection, we experience happiness, joy and feeling fulling alive. So why don't we feel wonderful all the time? We experience disconnection from others and we feel separate and sad. We forget the power of feeling connected and we begin to believe the illusion that we are truly alone.
As a certified Safe Conversations facilitator, I begin my workshops with these statements. The reality is that most of us are born into connection with our parents, we feel some kind of disconnect and then we live our lives trying desperate to reconnect. In the 1970s, Dr. Edward Tronick of Harvard University ran a series of experiments called the Still Face Experiments that looked at the power of connection between a parent and child and what happened when it was broken even for a few minutes. Watch a recording of one of the sessions here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 This video shows us a the distress that a young child goes through when she doesn't feel the connection from her mother for just a short time. However, the reality is that this is a pattern played out over and over in our lives: feeling connected, that connection is disrupted and then, and we strive to reconnect. Think about the last time that you had an argument or misunderstanding with someone in your life. If this person is someone that you really care about, chances are that after the disagreement, you felt stressed. Maybe you were angry at the other person for not seeing things from your point of view. But when we experience this rupture in our relationships, we can feel tension in our body, stress in our neck and shoulders and maybe a knot in our stomach. If the disconnect continues, we may experience sadness, depression, lack of energy, little appetite. Or maybe we push the feelings down by overeating, drinking, binging on Netflix or a computer game. We don't have to get stuck in feeling disconnected from others. One of the reason I love the tool of Safe Conversations is because it teaches us a new way of being in relationships. Learning how to make talking and listening safe is possible and then, so is reconnecting. I'd like to share with you, Rah and her experience with Safe Conversations. https://youtu.be/jAUH05vMZbE Safe Conversations has the power to change the way that you relate to others. I'd like to invite you to join me on Saturday, February 26, 9 am to 1 pm PST to experience it for yourself. During the workshop, you will learn three things:
To learn more and find out how to register: https://www.coachmyrna.org/safe-conversations.html For more on Safe Conversations, visit the website: https://safeconversations.com/  Did you know that there is a resource for imparting wisdom that we often overlook? It is the use of books and literature in our homes to subtly set the stage for a conversation about a topic that we’d like to explore. As I mentioned in a previous blogpost, having a weekly family meeting that includes reading a short book or a chapter of a longer book provides the opportunity to share family values or open a discussion. family-meetings-recipe-for-success.html
Books and stories provide the opportunity to visit a culture that we know little about, and widen our view of the world. Ann Patchett, renowned American author has said, “Reading fiction not only develops our imagination and creativity, it gives us the skills to be alone. It gives us the ability to feel empathy for people we've never met, living lives we couldn't possibly experience for ourselves, because the book puts us inside the character's skin.” In addition, the most recent market research on how to sharpen our brain suggests that the easiest and most time-tested method is . . . READING! The very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better. Typically, when we read, we have more time to think. Reading gives us a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. With oral language—when we watch a film or listen to an audio story—we don’t press pause. This is especially true for anyone who struggles with reading. Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University studied children ages eight to ten who were below-average readers. One hundred hours of remedial reading classes significantly improved the quality of their brains’ white matter—the tissue that carries signals between areas of gray matter, where information is processed. The researchers’ concluded that the brains of these children had begun to rewire themselves in ways that could benefit the entire brain, not only the reading-centric temporal cortex. So, if you still have a present to buy for your child, a grandchild or a favorite niece or nephew, consider buying a book and read it to them, if you can. In the case that you have already purchased all of your holiday gifts, consider doing this for an upcoming birthday or other occasion. If you need some book suggestions, here is a list of some of my favorites that I have read to my children and students over the years.https://tinyurl.com/2p83c24j And for parents, consider giving them 7 Gifts to Give Your Child: Parenting That Will Touch Their Future as a present to allow them to discover more wisdom for themselves. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  Once our adult children become parents, we naturally want to develop and nurture healthy, loving and enjoyable relationships with our grandchildren. Grandparenting can be our second chance to give what we missed giving the first time around. What greater legacy could there be than leaving one of love for our grandchildren? Grandparenting experts Tim and Darcy Kimmel, authors of Extreme Grandparenting have said, "We are the link to the past, the anchor to the present and the bridge to the future."
Currently, my husband and I are reading Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns and we have discovered a great deal of wisdom throughout this book on topics such as:
One of the most interesting chapters for me was "Being a Grandparent May Be Your Biggest Legacy. I especially enjoyed the suggestions on connecting with and influencing our grandkids. The list below is adapted from Chapter 9 of Jim Burns' book.
 If you are trying to figure out what gift to give your child, grandchild, niece or nephew--consider gifting an experience/the gift of time.
What would get the recipient of your gift excited? Maybe it is a day spent at a wonderful museum with interactive exhibits about outer space, art, animals or construction. It may be a special meal out with mom and dad and no other siblings. Perhaps it is going on a train ride to discover a new place. Maybe it is going camping and fishing or attending a concert. How about learning a new skill like painting, using a potter's wheel, snowboarding or gardening? Maybe it a plane ticket to fly to visit you during spring break. The possibilities are endless and limited only by your imagination. One of the experiences that I remember as a child is from my recently released book: www.coachmyrna.org/7-gifts-to-give-your-child.html All of us fall into the habit of purchasing lots of gifts for birthdays and holidays. We do so to express our love, but often what our child really wants most is to spend time together. I remember when my parents purchased two season passes to a series of cultural events. Each month, one of my siblings or I went with one parent to experience a string quartet or hear highlights from a musical performance of H.M.S. Pinafore. It meant getting dressed up and having time alone with my mom or dad. In addition, there was the opportunity to go backstage and meet the performers, see their costumes or instruments up close, and get them to sign the program. The memories of these evenings far outlasted any toy that I received. I want to re-share a post from a few years ago because it has an important message for all of us as parents, grandparents and even aunts, uncles and other family members. I am not the author of this post but as a teacher for over 20 years, the truth of these words are so powerful. Dear Parents & Grandparents, I know at this time of year the sounds, smells and decorations of Christmas are everywhere. As a parent, there is pressure to make a perfect, magical experience. You want to create lasting memories and give your children the best gifts possible. Sometimes that means a lot of stress on you to get everything done. You may wonder how you can afford to buy all that their hearts’ desires or how you will possibly have enough time to fit everything in. I want to tell you a secret. Every January, when your children come back to school, they tell me all about the Christmas holidays. I hear about the day that everyone stayed in their pajamas and watched favorite movies. They tell me about walking together in the freezing cold to get something at McDonalds. They remember driving around looking at the best decorated houses and having hot cocoa afterwards. I hear about the morning that you didn’t have to go to work and how everyone snuggled together in your bed. Or about the days that they stayed at Grandma’s until you came back from work. They tell me about visiting cousins that they haven’t seen for a long time and how they stayed in a hotel with a pool. Sometimes, I hear about how they visited friends on New Year’s Eve and they got to stay awake until midnight. Or how it snowed and everyone had a huge snowball fight! Usually they mention their presents, but for them Christmas is about you and your love, time, routines and feeling safe. You are their favorite gift! A teacher (adapted from an Instagram post) If you have adult children who are parents, consider giving them "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future" as a gift this year. www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  I am excited to announce that my book is now available on Amazon here: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child
I'd like to share two tools that I recommend for parents, grandparents, nannies and teachers to help preschool and elementary age children learn to make better choices and gain the gift of accountability. This is an excerpt from 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 5--The Gift of Accountability. Clip Chart: This is a tool that I used as a teacher, but it is easily adapted to home use. Using a piece of construction paper, cardstock, or poster board that is approximately 12” by 18,” divide it into five equal sections and label it according to the diagram. You could even use five paper plates, an idea I saw recently on a play school post. Write each child’s name on a clothespin and clip them on one side of the chart. Every morning, the child’s clip begins at Ready to Learn. When they make good choices, they can move their clip up to Good Choices or Great Job. If they make a poor choice, they move the clip down to Think About It or Conference with Parent for a more serious or repeated offense. Ideally, you let the child think about it for a short time, and then move it back up to Ready to Learn after a conversation about the different choices they need to make. This visual works best with children elementary school age or younger. I found that making each section a different color was helpful. For example, I made Ready to Learn green, Good Choices blue and Great Job purple. I used yellow for Think About It and red for Conference with Parent/Teacher. Be creative with the wording; for instance, maybe labeling the middle section Ready to Grow makes more sense for your child. The chart is most effective if you introduce it as a tool to help your child get feedback on their behavior and choices. Having them move their own clip is an important part of this process. It isn’t meant to be punitive but to serve as a reminder that there are consequences for actions and words. Use it as long as it is effective, and then take a break for a while before revisiting it. Good Choices Jar: Another classroom tool adaptable for the home is the Good Choices Jar. Using any plastic or glass jar, put a marble in the jar each time that you observe your child making a positive choice. You can use it for a specific behavior that you would like to support, or it can be for any helpful or kind words or actions. The jar can be for one child or for everyone in the family. When the jar is full, have a Good Choices Party and do something wonderful or go somewhere special. Let your child help to come up with the reward for a full jar of marbles. Make sure that the size of the jar is challenging but not unattainable to fill. You can have the rule that the child can report helpful things that they did (that you didn’t observe) when it is corroborated by a sibling, friend or parent. Consider reading the book yourself and giving it as holiday gifts to your adult children who are parents. Or give it as a baby shower gift or give it to any other young parents that you know. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, visit: https://tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child  I recently spent the day at a beautiful Maui beach on vacation with family. As I made my way into the water, it was a struggle to navigate with waves break around my knees pulling me towards the shore and the receding water underneath pulling my feet back towards the ocean. Finally, I reached the deeper water and was able to float effortlessly, rising with the swelling waves instead of wrestling with them.
As I relaxed and looked around, I noticed a school of small fish swim by and a sea turtle raise its head out of the water to breathe. A young child, supported by a parent, was learning to ride a surfboard into the shore. Off in the distance, a sailboat glided along. I reflected on the strength of the ocean. The ocean isn’t something to control but we can find ways to cooperate with the ocean's power—like the surfers we had seen the day before. Learning to respect this power is important for anyone living and working near an ocean. If I am honest with myself, I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to control things in my life that weren’t meant to be controlled—people, situations, relationships, circumstances, and more. How about you? What relationship comes to mind—your child, your partner, maybe a boss or co-worker, or how about a parent or in-law? When was the last time you struggled with a frustrating situation at work, on a committee or during a family vacation when things just weren’t working? There are some things that have helped me to learn to let go of this need to control. First, I am learning to not take things personally. Usually, people are doing the best they can. When others overreact, it isn’t just to me but to a lifetime of pain and wounding. Studying and practicing Real Love with intentional small groups has given me the support and safety to discover my own wounding and begin to heal. Secondly, learning the tools of Safe Conversations has helped me become a better listener as well as find ways to communicate my own needs calmly and with respect. Also, I have discovered practices that support me letting go of the need to control—Emotional Freedom Technique, Mindfulness, Inner Child work, Ho’oponopono, journaling, meditation and more. As a coach and educator, I use all of these tools to help others work towards a happier life. Still reflecting, I made my way back toward the beach. Suddenly, I found myself knocked off balance by a wave and landed face down in the sand. Before I could get up, I was on my back, flipped over like a pancake by an aggressive cook. It was a good reminder that I need to be present to the work of continuing to find greater balance in my life. And because I have been working on letting things go that I can’t control, I got up with a smile and as much grace as I could muster. If you would like to know more about what I offer as a coach, click here: Coaching Find out more about Safe Conversations and considering signing up for the next workshop on Saturday, November 13th. Click here: Safe Conversations  Recently, I saw a social media post that said, “Parenting today is like juggling, but all of the balls are screaming.” The world that you are raising your child in today has changed tremendously over the past twenty years.
Technology has changed our world forever. Kids, youth, and young adults today do not know a world without cellphones and other forms of media. These developments in technology connects them to news and trends instantaneously, significantly affecting and shaping their worldview. Events happening around the world are quickly available to us, which can impact our feelings of anxiety and fear. This onslaught of information is unprecedented in human history, and something that we all must learn how to navigate with discernment. As an increasingly global community, we often live far from extended families and the support they could offer. More households have both parents working, which adds additional pressure as they juggle work, school, family, and community. A much higher percentage of single/separated/divorced parents are navigating new challenges on their parenting journey. These added complexities can leave many families feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. The thing that hasn’t changed is that the most important component in raising a healthy, happy child is your connection with them. This integral connection of parent and child is the root and building block for your child’s future. In their new book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say, “Showing up means bringing your whole being—your attention and awareness—when you’re with your child. When we show up, we are mentally and emotionally present for our child in that moment.” The connection you create when you “show up” is at the heart of your relationship with your child. Connection is the energy that is created between us and them. It allows them to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson explain further that “Showing up isn’t the goal of parenting. Rather it is the means by which you move toward your desired outcome. The actual goal is what’s called secure attachment.” The benefits of secure attachment of children to their parents are huge—higher self-esteem and empathy, better ability to cope with challenges, and happier and better relationships. How do you develop it with your child? By showing up. We do not have to be perfect parents, never losing our cool. Nor do we need to read all the parenting bestsellers or sign our kids up for the right enrichment classes. We simply need to be present.  During their childhood, the Adventure Playground in Berkeley, California was one of my sons’ favorite places to visit. Based on the ideas of Danish architect Carl Theodor Sørensen, who had made use of scrap junkyards for playgrounds when Copenhagen was under occupation during World War II, the playground was a place to explore, hammer, saw, paint and create. By being able to go on the zipline and land in the haybales or use real tools to make something out of wood scraps, it gave them the opportunity to try something that is somewhat risky in a safe environment. As parents, we can find ourselves saying “No” many times a day. “No, don’t throw that rock.” “No, you cannot climb that high in the tree.” “No, don’t do that!” By preventing our child from participating in risky play, we may also be preventing them from learning how to navigate risk, a skill that they will need as teenagers and young adults when we aren’t around to monitor them. I recently heard a new parenting term, “Hummingbird Parent.” Instead of hovering and micro-managing like the helicopter parent, the hummingbird parent sits nearby, zooms in when necessary and zooms out again. As children grow in age, the parents can step back further to allow more freedom while still being available when needed. I really like this as a parenting model. In reality, this model was challenging for me to practice. I wanted my active boys to be safe and make it to adulthood! But I realized that I had to let them explore, climb trees, throw rocks into fast-flowing rivers and try things that made me nervous. Sometimes, I had to bite my tongue and even look away for a moment to overcome my instinct to jump in and overprotect them. Excerpt from my upcoming book 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, Chapter 6, The Gift of Experiences. It will be available on Amazon in August.   The most important component in raising your child is your connection to them. Your relationship with them is the building block for their future relationships. Children learn how to interact with others by watching and relating with us.
Taking time to talk and listen, really listen, to your child is essential. The best approach is being intentional about making opportunities for connection. Experts recommend scheduling family time: conversations over device-free dinners, one-on-one time with each child even if it is while running errands or walking the dog, family meetings once a week, and establishing family traditions and weekend outings. Parenting is an inside job. Regardless of all the technological advances in our society today, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their child. As you and your partner guide your child through your relationship with them, you support them in learning to make good choices, taking responsibility and learning from their mistakes. Through this connection and support, they develop a moral compass—an inner voice—that can guide them throughout their whole life. In fact, I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. Excerpt from my book which is coming soon: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future  At this time of year, we are encouraged to remember what we are grateful for. Whether it is from a post on social media, a sermon on the Sunday before Thanksgiving or around the table before the turkey is carved, we are asked to reflect on what we are thankful for. Having gratitude is a worthy endeavor that I believe shouldn't be reserved for a certain season. For ways to incorporate gratitude into daily life, check out the ideas I shared in a blog post a few years ago. https://www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/gratitude-as-a-daily-practice Today I would like to focus on moving from feeling grateful to doing something to express that gratitude. There are many opportunities that we can take to put our gratitude into action: thanking the checkout clerk at a local store for her efficient service, calling someone that we know is homebound and not able to have visitors, donating canned goods or volunteering at a local food bank, helping your family make a card or a video to send to grandparents or sending a letter or text to someone to express your appreciation for their presence in your life. This is also the time of year that many consider giving an end of the year donation to support non-profits for the differences they are making in the lives of others. An organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board is Women's Federation for World Peace. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee or in our neighborhood. When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of giving back in this way. Some of the WFWP projects serve internationally. For over twenty-five years, WFWP US has financially supported nine schools in eight African countries. https://www.wfwp.us/schools-of-africa Just yesterday, one of my fellow WFWP members created a disaster relief for the victims of the recent typhoon in the Phillipines https://tinyurl.com/yxt872fr Other initiatives are focused on the challenges that we are facing here in the US. Twice a month, we have been coming together on a zoom prayer circle for peace and healing in America, reminding ourselves and each other of what is truly important and unchanging in our lives. Local chapters work collaboratively with other organizations, focusing on reconciliation and ending racism, educating about domestic violence, organizing neighborhood clean-ups and much more. Perhaps, I am most inspired by educational components that I can be a part of. About a year ago, I became a Women's Federation for World Peace Global Friend. https://www.wfwp.us/globalfriends. Global Friends are organizations, companies, and movements who believe in and support core peace tenets and use their outlet to foster lasting peace and prosperity for generations to come. In this way, I can combine my educational and coaching work with giving back and collaborate on some amazing projects. Over the past year, I was able to work together with a small group of talented coaches and educators to create a zoom webinar series entitled "What is the Path to True Freedom? Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships." While we cannot control a lot of what happens in the world around us, we do have control over the choices that we make and how we live each day. I encourage you to be mindful about your interactions and seek ways to express your gratitude to others. If you are looking for an organization that supports women to be peace leaders, please visit https://www.wfwp.us/ to learn more. If you would like to be part of a learning community that is striving to live from a place of unconditional love and learn to communicate more effectively, please visit my website to see upcoming programs. https://www.coachmyrna.org/ Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving! |