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Adapted from original unknown source

​A preteen girl went to her mother and complained about how hard life was for her.  Between the challenges at school, with her siblings and her friends, she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that, as soon as she figured out one problem, a new one arose. The mother said, "Come with me to the kitchen."

She asked the daughter to fill three pots with water and place them on the stove, turning the settings to high. Soon the pots came to a boil. 

• In the first, the mother placed carrots.
• In the second, she placed eggs. 
• In the last, she placed ground coffee beans.

 
Then she said, "Let's check these in fifteen minutes. While we wait, let's make some brownies." After fifteen minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots  and the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee into a mug. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” the young girl replied. The mother asked her to examine the carrots. She did and noticed they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to add some milk and sugar to the coffee and take a sip. The daughter smiled as she smelled its rich aroma and tasted its rich flavor. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, Mom?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity—boiling water—but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, it became hardened inside.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. While they were boiling away in the pot, they  changed the water.

“Then the mother asked, "Which one do you want to be? When challenges arise, how will you respond--as a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? I'd like to hear what you think about this as we enjoy some of the brownies together."

Food for thought for each of us?:
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Which one am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong but, with pain and adversity, do I falter, become soft, and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit but, after a hardship or some harsh criticism, does my shell look the same, yet on the inside am I bitter, with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the bean’s fragrance and flavor. If I am like the bean, when things are at their worst, do I get better and change the situation around me? When the hours are darkest and trials are their hottest, am I able to elevate and transform the situation?

​At this time of year, we are encouraged to think about and express what we are grateful for.  Whether it is during a classroom discussion, a sermon on the Sunday before Thanksgiving or around the table before the turkey is carved, we are asked what we are thankful for. Having gratitude is a worthy endeavor.  But should it be reserved for only certain times of the year?

All parents want their children to be grateful for their blessings in life. Studies have shown that parents usually focus on what being grateful looks like or what we do to express that gratitude. For example, saying thank you for a gift received or a meal that we prepared. However, in a Raising Grateful Kids project conducted at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, they discovered that gratitude as an experience has four parts:

• What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful
• How we THINK about why we have been given those things
• How we FEEL about the things we have been given
• What we DO to express appreciation in turn

 
As we find ways to incorporate it into our daily life, we can model ways to notice, think, feel and express gratitude. It can be a part of our dinner conversations or bedtime routine. You can play the Rose and Thorn game, where each person tells about one rose (a good thing) and one thorn (a challenging thing).  

Show appreciation by conveying you paid attention to real effort in your child: "Your room looks so nice with the toys in their bins. I'm so happy that you remembered to put them away!"

Set expectations when shopping by saying, "Today is a 'look' day. Just like going to the museum, we enjoy the beautiful things, but we aren't planning to buy anything today.”  And of course, let your children know when it is a ‘buy’ day.

Thank those who serve. Your example of acknowledging those who quietly make a difference in your life, from the bus driver to the person sweeping up the aftermath of a family lunch out, sends a powerful message to your children. 

Have them pitch in when they want something. If your kids get an allowance or earn money at a job, have them participate in buying some of the things they want. When kids themselves take the time to save up, they have an ownership stake in the purchase and gain an understanding of the value of a dollar by working toward what they want. It also teaches restraint and encourages kids to appreciate what they have, as well as giving them a more realistic perspective on what you and others do for them.

​And be a grateful parent. What an invaluable exercise it is to tell our kids why we're grateful to have them! It goes without saying that we love our kids, and that we're thankful beyond words for their love, their smiles, their hugs and so much more. When we tell them what makes them special to us, their self-esteem is boosted for the right reasons (not because they have the latest smartphone or because they're dressed fashionably). Plus, our example shows them that gratitude extends well beyond material things.

Today, almost one-half the world’s population is 30 years old or younger. Ready or not, they will lead our world into the future. Members of Generation Y (Millennials born between 1981-1996) and Generation Z (Centennials born between 1997-2012) are hungry to change the world and as parents, teachers and mentors, we can help them. Generation Alpha (born between 2013 and 2025) are watching and preparing.

These generations are influenced by less than ideal parenting styles (overparenting, paranoid parenting, permissive parenting, etc.) They also are greatly impacted by the advances in technology:  immediate access to world events often difficult to process, availability creating distractions & addictions, loss of real conversations and relationships, instant gratification expectations, and so much more. Simon Sinek, British-American author, motivational speaker and organizational consultant, summarizes how these challenges impact millennials as they enter the workforce in a Ted Talk here tinyurl.com/y7a9txzz

​Dr. Tim Elmore, president and found of Growing Leaders, is passionate about understand the emerging generation and helping adults—parents, teachers, coaches—teach them how to become leaders in their families, schools, communities and careers. As an author and speaker, Dr. Elmore shares four proven parenting strategies. You can read the whole article here   tinyurl.com/y7jmc2xt

Four Strategies for Parenting Generation Z
By Dr. Tim Elmore, Growing Leaders Ready for Real Life
So, let me suggest some parenting ideas you might use as you lead your kids:

1. Don’t freak out
We need to let our kids take appropriate risks in our “safety first” world. But, when they choose something odd or even crazy, stay calm. Whatever you do—don’t freak out at the seemingly strange decisions teens feel empowered to make today. From tattoos, to piercings, to decisions about friends, to gender fluidity—kids growing up today are living in a very new world. If we don’t react emotionally, but talk to them respectfully, we earn the right to help them think through the long-term implications of their choices. This is our role: wise and steady leadership. Equip them to think long-term; think big-picture, and think high road.

2. Affirm them accurately and specifically
Generation Zers are privy to the hyperbolic praise Millennials got from parents. Everything was described as “awesome”—even when it really wasn’t. Adult leaders should be thoughtful with their encouragement, praising teens with words that reflect the genuine performance of the teen. They’ll actually believe us if we do. Also, we must affirm “effort”—which is a controllable—instead of what’s uncontrollable. Instead of saying to a female, “You’re gorgeous,” why not say: “I love the strategy you used when you planned your student council campaign. It was spot on.”

3. Be clear about their equations
I discourage having a ton of “rules,” and encourage you to remind kids of life’s “equations.” Equations are simply outcomes for wise or poor behavior: if you do this, that is the benefit; if you do that, this is the consequence. As a result, students begin to learn that life is full of equations. Upon entering adulthood: if you don’t pay your rent, you lose the apartment; if you do pay rent on time, you get to keep it. Such equations will equip Generation Z kids about how the world works. Make the equations clear and be sure to follow up on them.

4. Model consistency
One of the most conspicuously absent elements in our world today is consistency. Nothing seems to be consistent—except inconsistency. Uncertainty is everywhere. Change is happening all the time: couples divorcing; jobs changing; rules are updated; shows are terminated…even our Internet connection can be spotty. Parents and teachers must be consistent in their verbal and visual cues. Kids and young adults feel secure when consistent leadership is exemplified.

Later this month, many of us will be sitting down to enjoy Thanksgiving meal with family and friends.  Dinner conversations in homes across the country will begin with the ritual of going around the table to share what each is thankful for and why.

This is a wonderful and meaningful ritual to have, but how many of us limit this ritual to this one special day when we are gathered around a turkey dinner with all the trimmings? Giving thanks and showing appreciation is an art and one that needs to be worked on daily. It is a habit that we need to develop and practice and then, pay forward the art of gratitude to those around us.

Many of us struggle to remember gratitude when life is challenging. Parents say: “I tell my kids to appreciate what they have-that there are a lot of other children in the world that don’t have what they have.  But they don’t seem to get it AND they take everything I do for them and what I give to them for granted!”

So I propose that this November, we have a gratitude challenge, finding ways to be grateful and appreciative what we have. Perhaps, it would work best if you have a family meeting to present the idea and see what ideas your kids have. Here are five suggestions to get you started:
 
1- Express, share and model your own gratitude.  Express gratitude for what we often take for granted--having a roof over our head at night or food on the table—when your children are present. Doing this allows us to become mindful of life’s daily blessings and to shift our focus to the blessings instead of complaints.  The more we share our gratitude for life’s simple pleasures each day, the more our children will naturally discover their own reasons to be grateful and learn to express their gratitude, too!
 
2- Appreciate your children. Here are some ways you can express gratitude to your children beginning today!

• “Wow, thank you for holding the door open for me!”  
• “Thank you for your tight hugs!  They make me feel sooo good!” 
• “I appreciate your willingness to help me rake the leaves.  It certainly makes this more fun when we are doing this together!  Thank you!!” 
• “Your smiles make my day that much better!  Thank you for being my sunshine today!” 
• “Thank you for taking the trash out!  Our family works so much better when we all chip in together!” 
• “I just love how the two of you have played together today.  You became a team when deciding how to build the fort.”
• Tuck a handwritten note into their lunchbox or on their pillow for gifts that they have given you.

 
Showing and expressing our appreciation to our children is a gift that will keep on giving.  Imagine the sheer joy of your children feeling appreciated and then imagine and savor in how much more cooperative your children will be. Now that is something, we can all be grateful for!
 
3- Give your children chores. Chores are contributions to the family and make the family work better. We all need to be needed, especially our children. Through helping, not only will your children learn that the family runs more effortlessly and efficiently but they will learn to understand that consistent work and effort is required to accomplish tasks (clean dishes do not miraculously appear on the table each night) and that their effort is appreciated. The more your children feel appreciated, the more they will be willing to help.

An important note is that children should not be paid for these regular contributions. Otherwise, they are hired help. Of course, you can have a list of additional chores that you are willing to pay them to complete

4- Teach the value of patience and hard work.  There was a time that children would dream and brainstorm how they could earn the newest pair of sneakers or the latest hi-tech gadget. Today, a common complaint is that children have an increased sense of entitlement. It is important to keep in mind that their lack of appreciation is being fueled by parents and others catering to their every desire without sacrifice of any kind. And then we become resentful that our children do not show appreciation and act like spoiled brats.

We have robbed our children of the excitement of dreaming and of the understanding of what it means to wait and to even work for something that is out of their immediate reach.  Brainstorm with your children on ways they can earn what they want.

​Helping our children learn to work and to wait for life’s treasures by focusing on needs vs. wants will cultivate a stronger sense of internal gratitude and increased feelings of happiness. Being patient while waiting and working towards a goal helps to create a sense of appreciation for what we have and don’t have. 
 
5- Give back to others. Look for opportunities to help others as a family and talk about ways to help others in daily life. Talk about the saying, “to give is better than to receive” and ask your children what they think it means. Have a challenge for a week to see how many people each person can help and talk about it over dinner. To give to others is powerful but we must provide our children with opportunities to be selfless and to give back to others.  What opportunities will you give your children this holiday season to give back?  What ways does your community offer to get involved?
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Imagine that you have in front of you two glasses of clear, refreshing water. Then, I come along and put a few drops of contaminated, sewage water into one of them. Would you take a drink of that glass? Even though I put in only a small amount, it is highly unlikely that you would drink out of the one that is polluted.
                                            
When we allow criticism, negativity, and put-downs to be part of our family culture, like that contaminated water, it taints our relationships. There are steps that can help us work towards having less negativity in our families.

1. First of all, we need to remember that connection is the essence of all thriving relationships and all forms of criticism and negativity break that connection.
2. Second, we need to realize that something can be perceived as negative even if that isn't our intention. The other person is the judge. If they say it was negative, we need to believe that they experienced it as negative! Negativity can be expressed through words, a tone of voice, or an eye roll that communicates criticism, shame, or blame. It may be intentional or accidental. But in all cases, a “put down” ruptures connection. 
3. The key to obtaining healthy relationships is working towards communication with zero negativity. In the absence of negative energy, safety, connection, and joy can be restored. So, the next step is to make the decision to work on this as a family. Hold a family meeting. If you need some tips on how to get started, check out this blogposts:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/family-meetings-recipe-for-success
4. During the family meeting, come up with a code word for your family that signals that someone has experienced negativity. It can be something like: bing, ouch, wow or whatever you decide. The individual who has experienced the put-down or criticism says the word.
5. Then comes the redo process. This might include taking a break if the individual needs to calm down. The one who experienced the negativity can ask for the other person to restate what they said with no criticism or sarcasm. After that, a reconnecting behavior--a hug, an apology, or a kind note--can help everyone get back on track.
6. It is important for all family members to begin to get curious about each other rather than being defensive. Learning to ask questions can help:   

• I wonder why they does he or she think or say that? (ask oneself)
• I am curious, can you tell me more about .......? (ask another family member)

It might be necessary to practice/role play this in a family meeting. Ask for volunteers or volunteer yourself. Try a having a Zero Negativity Day and include sharing three appreciations or affirmations with family members. Talk about how it went: Was it hard to not use negativity? What did each family member realize about their own habits? How can you help each other continue to decrease negativity in your family?

This concept comes from my training as a Safe Conversation facilitator. For more on this subject, check out two previous blogs:

learning-to-have-safe-conversations.html

steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between.html

​We are meant to experience connection and learn how to relate to and love each other through the relationships within our families and our communities. Connection is the energy that is created between us when we feel seen, heard, and valued. Striving for this first in our families creates an environment of acceptance and love where we can learn to give and receive without criticism or judgement.

By creating a loving family culture, parents give children the opportunity to develop healthy emotions, collaborative skills, empathy and understanding. They can learn the social skills they will need to create a meaningful and even beautiful life no matter what challenges they may face. The parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world.

When we work on this in our family, naturally our communities are healthier. The quality of the relationships with parents and siblings lay the foundation for all future relationships—with classmates and teachers, with co-workers and supervisors, with friends, and future spouse and children.

We also have the opportunity to support and mentor others in our community--a middle school or high school student who is having a tough time with their parents, a college student or young adult living away from home for the first time, a newly married couple navigating their new life together, a new parent adjusting to life with a young child, an older couple who are empty-nesters for the first time or someone grieving the loss of a spouse. Finding a way to show that we care could mean an invitation to have coffee or tea together, sending a text or giving a call, having the couple/individual over for a meal or inviting them to a community or church event.

If we think about it, creating connection and unconditional love in our families and communities is one of our superpowers and a simple way to impact the world around us

All of us have people in our lives that we do our best to care for. Many of us are in the habit of putting ourselves last in terms of caring for our own needs. I work with a group of coaches who host a monthly webinar entitled, "Self-Care Isn't Selfish." Most of us are also members of Women's Federation for World Peace and feel inspired to combine our healing work with the vision of WFWP:  Women working together to establish a culture of heart in the family, community, nation, and world in order to achieve genuine and sustainable peace under God. If you would like to know more about WFWP, visit their website here: https://www.wfwp.us/

The reality is that all of us, especially women, mothers, and grandmothers, find it hard to give themselves permission to take time for relaxation, meditation, visiting with friends, exercise and more.  These webinars give education, tools, and skills to support everyone to take better care of themselves and those they love. 

The guest speaker for September, family coach Kendra Stein, said that we need to understand the difference between Self-Care and Self-Love. She said that no matter how much time we spend on pedicures, vacations, and lunch with friends, we need to understand how to connect with God/a higher power to Find the God Within. Sharing her own personal journey of discovering self-love, Kendra guided participants to look under the masks that we wear to hide our pain and wounding and begin to heal and re-parent ourselves by gaining awareness, seeking help, and getting curious instead of angry. You can watch the presentation here:  https://youtu.be/851HrswCQGg

October's webinar will be on Saturday, October 15 at 10 am PT/1 pm ET. Our guest speaker will be Hanka Musilova, certified Emotion Code practitioner living in the Czech Republic. Register here:   https://tinyurl.com/Oct-Self-Care

Previously, I wrote about Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth and her insightful research on the role that Grit plays in our success in life and how we can cultivate it in our families. how-to-cultivate-resilience.html

A practice that Dr. Duckworth and her family live by is the “Hard Thing Rule.”  It’s an easy concept. Everyone in the family including Mom and Dad chooses a hard thing, something that requires “daily deliberate practice.” It can be anything one chooses to do—yoga, running, piano, soccer, ballet, mountain climbing—it just must be something that’s challenging and is interesting enough to continue for a set amount of time.

You can quit your hard thing if you change your mind, but you must stick with it until a natural stopping point, like the end of a semester or after the tuition runs out. In other words, you can’t quit on a bad day just because it was hard; you have to see it through to a reasonable end. It has three parts:

1. Everyone in the family has to do something that's hard.
2. You have to finish what you start.
3. No one gets to pick the hard rule for anyone else.

What would it look like for your family to take on this challenge? Talk about it at your next family meeting the-power-of-weekly-family-time.html Hear Dr. Duckworth talk about her experience with the Hard Thing Rule:  globalleadership.org/videos/leading-yourself/the-hard-thing-rule?locale=en

Another way to build resilience might surprise you--video games. Dr. Jane McGonigal is embracing technology for the sake of improving the lives of kids, youth, and adults. She is a world-renowned designer of alternate reality games—or games that are designed to improve real lives and solve real problems. Believing that game designers are on a humanitarian mission, her number one goal in life is to see a game developer win a Nobel Peace Prize.

Dr. McGonigal specializes in games that challenge players to tackle real-world problems, such as poverty, hunger, and climate change, through planetary-scale collaboration. Her game “SuperBetter” helps players tackle health challenges such as depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and traumatic brain injury. The online game for ages thirteen and up builds resilience—the ability to stay strong, motivated, and optimistic even in the face of change and difficult challenges. Playing “SuperBetter” unlocks heroic potential to overcome tough situations and achieve goals that matter most. Check out her website: www.superbetter.com/

If you enjoyed this excerpt from "The Gift of Resilience", consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child

Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.

In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school.

The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.”

There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:

• Model it. If you love what you do, let others know. Wear your passion on your sleeve. When you fail, openly share your frustration, but go out of your way to point out what you learned from the experience. Emphasize playing the long game—life is a marathon, not a sprint.
• Celebrate it. When you see grit, draw attention to it: “Your work this past quarter has demonstrated enormous dedication. I know it wasn’t always easy.” Praise passion: “You’re so into this! That’s just awesome!”
• Enable it. The paradox of grit is that the steely determination of individuals is made possible by the warmth and support of friends, families, teachers, and mentors. Don’t let people you love quit on a difficult day.

If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and  consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child

Did you know that Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman discovered that children need to fail in order to succeed?  In fact, it can help them figure out how to succeed next time. He discovered that until the early 1960s, achievement was the most important goal that parents sought to instill in their children. But from the later 1960s until the present, the focus of schools and parents has shifted to building up self-esteem.

Despite the increased focus on self-esteem over the past decades, depression in children has continued to grow, now affecting a quarter of all kids today. To combat this trend, Dr. Seligman began the Penn Depression Prevention Project, the first long-term study aimed at children ages eight through twelve. His findings were revolutionary, proving that children can be protected against depression by being taught how to challenge their pessimistic thoughts. His book The Optimistic Child offers parents and teachers the tools developed in this study to teach children of all ages life skills that transform helplessness into proficiency and bolster self-esteem.

Dr. Seligman says that to develop resilience, children need to develop optimism. This involves changing one’s belief from “I can’t” to “I can.” Parents can support this transformation by creating an environment where it is safe to try and fail, as well as helping their child discover the gifts that come from failure: the opportunity to evaluate, the motivation to try harder, the chance to be creative, and the development of maturity.

This helps our child develop a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset, putting the emphasis on the steps the child took to reach the end result. By focusing on process, it shows that getting stuck, asking for help, and trying new strategies are an important part of the process. How we respond to our child can result in their feelings of helplessness or sense of accomplishment. How we respond to our child’s hurtful words or actions can impact their resilience.

Suppose I take my children on an outing to the zoo, and my daughter is teasing her brother. She says, “You know that you are adopted, right? Daddy is not your real dad. Your dad is a gorilla. You had better behave today because right next to the zoo is the prison, and if you do anything wrong, you will get sent there for the rest of your life.”

Of course, as the parent, I need to step in and say something. But imagine the impact of two vastly different parental responses to the daughter.

• “I am sick of this. Why are you always such a brat? I planned such a lovely day, and you are spoiling everything. I don’t know why I even bother to try to plan things when, without fail, you do something to ruin everything.”
• “This teasing has to stop. What has gotten into you? Usually, you are such a wonderful big sister, sharing your toys and reading your brother stories. You make him feel special. But today, you are not being nice to him, and you are scaring him. I do not like this kind of behavior. You need to stop and apologize to your brother. If you tease him again, you will not be able to play outside after dinner. Do you understand me?”

 
The first response attacks the child’s character and does not give them a way to recover. Speaking in this manner can create a feeling of shame— “I am a bad person.” The second response begins with her good qualities and states clearly that today, she is doing something unacceptable. It allows her to feel the guilt—that she has done something wrong—and gives her a chance to correct her behavior.

When a child knows that it is safe to make mistakes or to mess up sometimes, their performance often improves. The knowledge that they have a safe place to try and keep trying until they succeed gives them confidence.

We can see an example of this in the building of the Golden Gate Bridge. In 1933, the work was falling behind the targeted deadlines. One of the crew members had fallen to his death, causing everyone to work more slowly out of fear for their own lives. Although reluctant due to the time crunch, the supervisor took the advice of one of the workers to hoist a safety net into place. Suddenly, the men began to work more quickly and efficiently, and the bridge was soon completed.
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What was it that enabled them to work faster and better? It was the removal of the fear of failure. When we create an environment in our home that shows that it is safe to fail and that our child is supported in finding a way to try again, resiliency is fostered.

If you enjoyed this short excerpt from "The Gift of Resilience", consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child