 Dr. Jane McGonigal is embracing technology for the sake of improving the lives of kids, youth, and adults. She is a world renowned designer of alternate reality games—or games that are designed to improve real lives and solve real problems. Believing that game designers are on a humanitarian mission, her number one goal in life is to see a game developer win a Nobel Peace Prize.
In 2009, internationally renowned game designer Jane McGonigal suffered a severe concussion. Unable to think clearly or work or even get out of bed, she became anxious and depressed, even suicidal. But rather than let herself sink further, she decided to get better by doing what she does best: she turned her recovery process into a resilience-building game. What started as a simple motivational exercise quickly became a set of rules for “post-traumatic growth” that she shared on her blog. These rules led to a digital game and a major research study with the National Institutes of Health. Today nearly half a million people have played SuperBetter to get stronger, happier, and healthier. Dr. McGonigal specializes in games that challenge players to tackle real-world problems, such as poverty, hunger, and climate change, through planetary-scale collaboration. Her game “SuperBetter” helps players tackle health challenges such as depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and traumatic brain injury. The online game for ages thirteen and up builds resilience—the ability to stay strong,motivated, and optimistic even in the face of change and difficult challenges. Playing “SuperBetter” unlocks heroic potential to overcome tough situations and achieve goals that matter most. Drawing on hundreds of studies, McGonigal shows that getting superbetter is as simple as tapping into the three core psychological strengths that games help you build:
As inspiring as it is down to earth, and grounded in rigorous research, SuperBetter is a proven game plan for a better life. You’ll never say that something is “just a game” again. Check out her website: www.superbetter.com/ Dr. McGonigal also published a book on the same topic: www.amazon.com/SuperBetter-Living-Gamefully-Jane-McGonigal/dp/0143109774  Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, often called the father of Positive Psychology, discovered that children need to fail in order to succeed. In fact, it can help them figure out how to succeed next time. He discovered that until the early 1960s, achievement was the most important goal that parents sought to instill in their children. But from the later 1960s until the present, the focus of schools and parents has shifted to building up self-esteem.
Despite the increased focus on self-esteem over the past decades, depression in children has continued to grow, now affecting a quarter of all kids today. To combat this trend, Dr. Seligman began the Penn Depression Prevention Project, the first long-term study aimed at children ages eight through twelve. His findings were revolutionary, proving that children can be protected against depression by being taught how to challenge their pessimistic thoughts. His book The Optimistic Child offers parents and teachers the tools developed in this study to teach children of all ages life skills that transform helplessness into proficiency and bolster self-esteem. Dr. Seligman says that to develop resilience, children need to develop optimism. This involves changing one’s belief from “I can’t” to “I can.” Parents can support this transformation by creating an environment where it is safe to try and fail, as well as helping their child discover the gifts that come from failure: the opportunity to evaluate, the motivation to try harder, the chance to be creative, and the development of maturity. This helps our child develop a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset, putting the emphasis on the steps the child took to reach the end result. By focusing on process, it shows that getting stuck, asking for help, and trying new strategies are an important part of the process. How we respond to our child can result in their feelings of helplessness or sense of accomplishment. How we respond to our child’s hurtful words or actions can impact their resilience. Suppose I take my children on an outing to the zoo, and my daughter is teasing her brother. She says, “You know that you are adopted, right? Daddy is not your real dad. Your dad is a gorilla. You had better behave today because right next to the zoo is the prison, and if you do anything wrong, you will get sent there for the rest of your life.” Of course, as the parent, I need to step in and say something. But imagine the impact of two vastly different parental responses to the daughter.
The first response attacks the child’s character and does not give them a way to recover. Speaking in this manner can create a feeling of shame— “I am a bad person.” The second response begins with her good qualities and states clearly that today, she is doing something unacceptable. It allows her to feel the guilt—that she has done something wrong—and gives her a chance to correct her behavior. When a child knows that it is safe to make mistakes or to mess up sometimes, their performance often improves. The knowledge that they have a safe place to try and keep trying until they succeed gives them confidence. Excerpt from one of the chapters in 7 Gifts to Give Your Child—Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, by Myrna Lapres, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.
Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in this book to positively touch the present and the future. Excerpt from introduction to 7 Gifts to Give Your Child—Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, by Myrna Lapres, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  Imagine that you are an athlete and as your trainer, I’m concerned that you might overexert or injure yourself during training. Each time you show up for a practice session, I do all the exercises and routines myself. I spare you a lot of sweat and pain, but when it is time for you to perform in a competition, you will discover that you are not prepared. In fact, my efforts have inhibited your development.
Your child needs to gain their own experience, wisdom, strength, and confidence through making their own choices. If we make their decisions for them and rescue them when they make mistakes, they will not learn the important skills needed for their future. Rather than doing the work for them, as parents we need to be available to encourage, support, guide, and challenge them as they develop these skills. Let’s think for a minute about what parental approach would support resiliency. If a parent hovers, protects, and rescues their child from any kind of harm, not allowing them to fail or make mistakes, they steal the learning opportunities from their child in the name of love. If the parent barks orders, saying, “Do it or else,” the result is that punishment becomes the imposed consequence. Punishment breeds resentment, hinders the development of intrinsic motivation, and keeps the child from pausing for self-examination of their mistakes. Drill sergeants are great in a battle, but suboptimal as a parenting model. However, if we allow our child to experience the natural consequences of their choices, we can help them find a solution and own the problem by asking them guiding questions and offering suggestions. Instead of telling them what to do, consultant parents help establish time frames and guidelines within which to work, allowing the child to be responsible. Children who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem, a prerequisite for resilience, achievement, and happiness in the real world. Consultant parents have discovered that it is important to model the kinds of characteristics that they want their child to inherit. Ideally, we are meant to have considerable freedom concerning our life choices, including the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them as part of our growth process. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. The older the child gets, the bigger the decisions become, and the graver the consequences of those decisions. It is wise to allow our child to make many mistakes when they are young and the consequences are “affordable.” As painful as it is to stand by and allow them to learn through the result of their choices, this is the price that we must pay in raising responsible children who grow into amazing young adults. This is an except from a chapter in my book. For more on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child click the link. According to Mark Twain, "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see" and Aesop, the Ancient Greek fabulist, states, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." The gift of kindness may start as a small ripple that over time can turn into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many. How do we cultivate kindness in ourselves and our families?
Some practical ways to do this include:
Kindness is powerful because it activates our brain's reward system, releasing feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which improves the mood and well-being of both giver and receiver. It strengthens social bonds, increases empathy, reduces stress, and creates a ripple effect that fosters a more positive and connected community. This combination of physiological and social benefits makes kindness a potent force for each of us, our families, and our communities. Two books that I recommend using with children and grandchildren are: Kindness Is My Superpower: www.amazon.com/Kindness-Superpower-childrens-Empathy-Compassion/dp/B08DSTHKQB Have Your Filled A Bucket Today?: www.amazon.com/Have-Filled-Bucket-Today-Bucketfilling/dp/099609993X  The definition of growth is becoming something bigger, better, or more. We grow physically and our families grow. Growth can involve developing one's capabilities, gaining new skills, learning how one fits into the world around one, and enhancing one's understanding of oneself. Through personal growth, we expand our capabilities, enrich our relationships, and create more meaningful careers and lives. We also grow spiritually and emotionally which involves cultivating qualities like self-awareness, compassion, and gratitude, and recognizing our interconnectedness with others, God, and the world. This journey often includes exploring personal beliefs, engaging in practices like prayer or meditation, and integrating spiritual values into daily life.
What stops us from growth? There are many factors, but some key ones include fear, lack of confidence and connection to our own self-worth and divinity, lack of vision, complacency or procrastination, complaint, resentment and anger, and the difficulty and pain that we may need to go through in order to grow. The reality is that growth can be painful; we must acknowledge the wounds, mistakes, and difficult memories of our past. The 13th Century poet Rumi saw the clear relationship between our wounds and our awakening--our growth. He said, “Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience but shouts in our pain; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." The fact is that not to grow is hard and to grow is hard. If it is going to be hard either way, doesn’t it serve us to choose growth? Below, I share some books that I have found impactful for different areas of growth in life. Pick one to read yourself or use with a book club or small group. I will offer a webinar series on several of these books soon. Over the net few blogs, I will share more resources and stories that I have found meaningful to growth. I challenge you to think of one area of your life that you would like to expand or develop and make some goals for the final four months of 2025.
 A "soft startup" in the Gottman method refers to a gentle and respectful way to begin a conversation about a difficult topic, particularly when addressing a problem or conflict in a relationship. It emphasizes using a calm tone, positive body language, and "I" statements to express feelings and needs without placing blame on the partner. This approach aims to create a safe and open space for discussion, increasing the likelihood of a positive resolution.
In their recent book, "Fight Right", John and Julie Gottman state that couples who use softened start-ups have a much greater chance of success in their relationships which means not just staying together but finding high levels of happiness and satisfaction. The basic steps include:
Here are some examples of hard vs soft startups. Harsh startup: "You've overspent again! When are you going to stop being so irresponsible with our money?" Softened startup: "I feel stressed (the feeling) about our budget this month---it looks like we're going to be short again (the situation). Can we sit down together and plan how to cut some of our expenses (the need)? Harsh startup: "I can't believe you agreed to spend Christmas at your mom's again. You just cave in to whatever she wants. I guess we're never going to spend a holiday at my parents because the only family that matters is yours." Softened startup: "I'm sorry, but I'm still so frustrated (the feeling). Your mom pressured us into spending Christmas with her again (the situation). I miss spending holidays with my family (more feelings). Can we please go back to her and bow out for this year so that we can go to my parents' instead? That would make me feel like you really have my back (the need). I highly recommend this book for any couple who wants to discover more about turning their conflicts into connection. www.amazon.com/dp/B0C3ZJRBNL They also have a free phone app Gottman Card Decks, an amazing resource that gives tons of tips on topics such as I Feel..., Open-Ended Questions, Appreciations, Expressing Needs and more. Check out this video of the Gottmans talking about learning to identify and talk about feelings: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xt6affPLYpo  The Bagel Method is a technique developed by Julie and John Gottman to help couples in conflict find a true compromise--one that feels good to both partners. Offering a whole new way of approaching the "facts" of a fight, it involves mapping out your core needs and areas of flexibility so that you and your partner understand what's important and where there's room for flexibility. It is called the Bagel Method because the diagram literally looks like a bagel with an inner and outer circle. Here are the steps:
Flexibility is key when you can manage it. If all you do is say “No” to your partner, then it can make it difficult for your partner to feel safe and want to collaborate with you. The important thing is to feel heard and work with your partner as a team. For more from the Gottmans and their recently published book "Fight Right--How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection", check out these blogposts: why-we-fight-the-way-we-fight.html fight-right.html  Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD says, “Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.” She and her husband John Gottman, PhD have spent years working with couples to understand how we can Fight Right. And they have discovered that there are three possible "conflict styles" within a healthy partnership: avoiding, validating, and volatile.
Conflict avoidant couples There are actually two types of conflict avoidant couples. The first version:
We might conclude that the validating couple seems to be the "ideal couple." However, John Gottman said that any of the three styles have an equal shot at being masters of love if they had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in conflict. He discovered that the negative carries a lot more weight than the positive; so, learning how to add in more positives supports having a successful fight. This might seem challenging to do when things are heating up but it can be as simple as smiling, nodding, offering a validation or empathetic word, giving a soft touch, owning your part, or including humor through laughter or an appropriate joke. Start with identifying your own style--self-awareness gives us power and clarity. Then, try to add in more positivity in your relationship--not just when you are fighting but throughout the day. Hear John Gottman talk about the Magic 5:1 Ratio: www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10155422728185865 Read about how a parent applied this 5:1 Ratio with her child: happyyouhappyfamily.com/how-to-connect-with-your-child/ For last week's blog that introduces this topic: fight-right.html  Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been studying the science of love for over fifty years, and they have uncovered the science of helping people "Fight Right." In their most recent book, "Fight Right--How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Communication", they state that conflict is a human constant and that there are two basic types of fights that couples have: solvable ones that have some kind of solution and perpetual ones that are over issues that don't go away because they tap into some of the deeper differences between the couple--personalities, priorities, values, and beliefs. The good news is that the ultimate goal of conflict is to create something better for yourself, your partner, and for the world. Conflict doesn't have to break us apart. Conflict and peace aren't mutually exclusive; we can arrive at peace through conflict by combining kindness and gentleness with fighting. We can grow closer because of conflict but we need to understand more about the heart of our conflicts and learn to Fight Right.
Through all their research, the Gottmans discovered certain key points about couples fighting. They found that during conflict, couples that exhibited four key behaviors that they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness were more likely to split up by their fifth anniversary. But they also realized that "no conflict" wasn't the answer either. Couples who avoided arguments and conflicts also had no humor, curiosity, or interest in each other and often divorced after ten years. Learning how to turn a relationship around, going into conflict as a collaboration, not a war was part of the solution. They found that people could turn relationships around--fight right, love better, and connect more deeply--when they were given practical, science-based interventions to use in conflict. Over the next few blogs, I will share more about the Gottmans and the essential resources that they lay out in their book. Watch this short video about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and see if you recognize yourself in any of the behaviors: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is Next week, I will share what they say about Why We Fight The Way We Fight. You can also watch the "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" webinars where Kendra Stein guided us through some of the highlights of Fight Right. Part 1: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn7880NhL0E Part 2: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0UICizhrBk |
