 In a couple of weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating our fortieth anniversary. Reflecting back on this journey that we have traveled together, I am acutely aware that there is no shortcuts to achieving closeness and connection as a couple. Relationships take consistent investment, a commitment to grow together, a willingness to share honestly even when we are scared or hurt, finding ways to practice forgiveness and grace, and discovering unconditional love. As parents and grandparents, one of the most powerful ways that we impact those we love is in how we relate to and treat others--our spouse, our children & grandchildren, our friends and more. Research shows that when children see their parents love each other in a respectful, trustful and positive manner, they have a much better chance of having the same kind of relationship with their future spouse. And the greatest sense of security for a child is the knowledge that his or her parents love each other. No matter where you are on this journey, it is always worthwhile to make time to invest in your important relationships. I would like to share with you a couple of resources to support your work. As a Prepare Enrich facilitator, one of the first resources I suggest to a couple is a inventory: tinyurl.com/Relationship-Check Feel free to use to as a way to begin a conversation with your partner. If you would like to know more about the Prepare Enrich program, Contact Me A second resource is a four week course beginning on Wednesday, July 5th entitled Relationship Readiness--Transformation of Heart. It is a program presented by Hilde Wiemann, founder of Generational Healing. As a relationship coach who trained under Hilde, I highly recommend this course for engaged couples, individuals looking to prepare for a future marriage as well as those who have been together for a number of years and are looking to deepen their relationship. You can find information and register here: www.generationalhealing.org/relationship-prep   The third Sunday in June is dedicated to honoring fathers and father figures for the sacrifices they make, for embracing the responsibility of nurturing and raising children, and for devotion to their family. It is a well-known fact that Father's Day doesn't get the same attention that Mother's Day does and there are far less cards, chocolates and flowers sold.
If you are trying to think of the best way to honor your dad, how about doing something special together that he enjoys instead of buying a gift? If you don't live nearby, organize a zoom call to share your appreciations with him. Create a short video interviewing family members about their favorite memories or a photo book that everyone can collaborate on. Need some more ideas? Check out these: www.allprodad.com/5-ideas-for-fathers-day-to-honor-your-dad/ For me, I want to reshare a blog post from a few years ago. The photo for this blog is my dad, my husband and three sons, putting together a bird house on one of our visits. As a child, Mondays were special days because it meant pancakes for breakfast made by my dad. Working as a hospital chaplain and the pastor of a Mennonite congregation kept my father quite busy. Mondays were his days off and he developed a whole wheat flour recipe that he mixed up for us the first school day of each week. Served with butter and warmed syrup, we enjoyed this weekly treat and it became part of our family tradition. And if there were some left over, we might have them that evening with some vanilla ice cream sandwiched inside. As adults, my siblings and I would often request pancakes for breakfast when we visited. As we are approaching Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the influence of my father on my life. Every summer, my dad helped my mom pack us in the car for a day trip to the Oregon coast or a camping trip to Honeyman State Park where we collected sticks and sea shells, built sandcastles and rode the dune buggy on the Oregon Dunes. My dad helped me appreciate the wonders of nature. Later when we moved to Kansas, we spent several summers in the Ozarks. I remember once, we were expecting to hear some local musicians perform on the courthouse steps. However, when we arrived at the empty town square, it became clear that we had outdated information. My dad asked around and eventually found some local musicians gathering nearby to play for their own entertainment. Being an awkward teenager, I am pretty sure I was lobbying for going straight back to our campsite. But soon we found ourselves seated in some battered folding chairs enjoying the music from a dulcimer, some fiddles, a banjo, a few guitars, a hammered dulcimer and even a couple of cloggers (a type of folk dance.), On one of our visits to the Arkansas Ozarks, my dad inquired about how to make a dulcimer and before we headed home, he had purchased plans to build one. I am the proud owner of one of his ‘limited editions.’ From my dad, I learned the importance of curiosity and not letting shyness get in the way of experiencing life. From the very beginning of my life, I was influenced by the lifestyle choices of both my father and mother. I was born in Mathis, a small Texas town near Corpus Christi in a maternity hospital built by volunteers from the Mennonite Church. As the directors of the program, my parents provided leadership, support and meals eaten around a ping pong table. Through the Mennonite Voluntary Service unit, the local community benefited from having access to the maternity hospital, a kindergarten to help children learn English before starting elementary school, cooking & basketball after school clubs, adult education and more. MVS, started in 1944 as a practical peaceful alternative to serving in the military, continues until today as a way for volunteers make a 1-2 year commitment to make a difference. I find the words of American writer Clarence Budington Kelland sum up well what I learned from watching my dad, Millard E. Osborne. “My father didn’t tell me how to live life; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” If you are interested in knowing more about the origins of Father's Day: www.almanac.com/content/when-fathers-day  Many years ago, American novelist and college professor Toni Morrison was on the Oprah Winfrey Show to launch her book The Bluest Eye. During the conversation, Oprah asked her to talk about the messages we give our children.
Ms. Morrison explained that it’s interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, “Does your face light up?” She went on to explain, “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face--What’s wrong now? Instead, let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room, my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?” Dr. Brené Brown said after many years of research, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.” Intuitively, we already sense what we need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy. We see evidence of it in the unifying theme of most literature, movies, songs, magazines, and even commercial advertisements. More than anything else, what we all need is love, relationship, and connection. Scientific studies have demonstrated that from early childhood, our brains are molded by love and connection. Without it, infants literally die, even though their basic needs are met. Later in life, those lacking connection experience higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, depression, accidents, addictions, and suicide. In fact, loss of connection is the cause of emotional wounding which can lead to anxiety, self-absorption, and loss of empathy. The lack of feeling connected to others is part of the core human problem resulting in mistrust, lack of empathy for others, conflict and more. As a Safe Conversations workshop facilitator, I help individuals, couples and families communicate and connect. We are all meant to be connecting as couples, families, social institutions, and communities. Connecting is how we find joy, satisfaction and happiness. The good news is that relationship skills can be taught—we can all learn to reconnect with those most important to us! If you would like to create greater connection in your relationships, consider joining the upcoming 7-week series Building Connection in Relationships. Beginning on Monday, June 20, I will be facilitating a small group using the tools of Love, Safe Conversations, Inner Child and more. To learn more: https://www.coachmyrna.org/buildconnection.html. If you are interested to discover what a coaching session involves, learn more here: https://www.coachmyrna.org/coaching.html
Imagine that your brain is a two-story house with an upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is considered the more primitive part as it is responsible for basic functions like breathing and blinking your eyes, for reactions and impulses (including fight, flight, or freeze) and strong emotions such as anger or fear. The upstairs brain is more evolved and gives us a greater perspective on life. The upstairs brain, which includes the cerebral cortex and the prefrontal cortex, is our thinking brain. It is where we use our imagination, make plans and good decisions, have self-understanding, develop empathy and morality and gain control over our emotions and our body. And it is constantly learning and developing. Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and author of several books, has spent years studying and researching how our brain works. He says that when a child's upstairs brain is functioning properly, they can regulate their emotions, consider the consequence of choices and how others feel as well as thinking before acting. Our brains work best when the upstairs brain and downstairs brain work together and are integrated. Our goal as a parent is to help build and reinforce the stairway that connects the two brains. This takes time, practice, and support. We now know that most people's brains are fully developed until the age of twenty-five. This explains a lot about! Young children, teenagers and even young adults make poor decisions because their upstairs brain is still developing. In addition, the downstairs brain--the amygdala--is always scanning the environment for safety. The amygdala's job is to quickly process and express emotions, especially anger and fear. Teaching our children and youth about how the two parts of the brain work together can help them understand what is happening with them and their emotions. Dr. Siegel has developed something he calls the Hand Model of the Brain. In this YouTube video, he demonstrates how the thumb folded in is the downstairs brain--the amygdala. And when the four fingers are folded over the thumb, the upstairs brain is integrating both parts. But when the downstairs brain reacts, the child is Flipping Their Lid. Learning to recognize when they are starting to get upset can allow the child to move away from a stressful situation, take a break, do some breathing, or go somewhere quick. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw A great book to help kids understand how to be handling their emotions is, Some Days I Flip My Lid--Learning to be a Calm, Cool Kid. https://www.amazon.com/Some-Days-Flip-My-Lid/dp/1683732510 All this brain knowledge is good for us adults as well. 
Did you know that having healthy relationships helps us to have a healthy brain? Relationship is essential to our development and helps us learn to connect and regulate our emotions and our brain. To better understand our brain in relationships, let's look at the three important parts of the brain involved:
The diagram above of the Brain in Relationships is one I use during the Safe Conversations workshops that I facilitate. Safe Conversations Connecting is our deepest desire and losing connection is our greatest fear. Learning how to connect and communicate with each other without getting triggered is essential. The fact of the matter is that connection cannot occur when Fight, Flight or Freeze is engaged. Learning how to speak to each other calmly and taking a break when we get too upset are important steps in creating connection. One way to do this for ourselves and to model this to others, especially our children, is learning to recognize when we are getting upset or triggered. Recognizing the clues--body tensing up, butterflies in our stomach, heat rising in our face or head--means I can make a choice before I explode. We might say something like, "I am feeling really upset right now. I need to take a break but can we talk about this later?" Getting up and walking away takes us away from the situation and moving our bodies helps ground us and lessen the tension inside. Breathing is a wonderful way to calm down. Mindful breathing is a great way to calm our heart, body and mind. Basically, it means to breathe with intention. You can do it for yourself as well as with your children or your partner. Consider beginning the day with a moment of mindful breathing or before going to sleep at night as a helpful way to unwind. Make this a ritual with your family. Doing breathing practice helps us to tune into ourselves and practice a skill when we calm that we can use when the situation arises. One tool that I have discovered for myself is using the app Insight Timer. Having it on my phone means I can find a quiet place to restore calmness and connection with myself anytime of the day. A resource for teaching mindful breathing to children is: annakaharris.com/mindfulness-for-children/ Expressing our appreciation to those we love strengthens our relationship. It is one thing to feel grateful for our child, spouse or friend. But when we express it to them, it enhances our connection. It says, "I notice you, you are important to me." If you would want to strengthen your relationships with your spouse, children and friends, I invite you to join my 7-week series, Building Connection in Relationship, beginning on Monday, June 20. Do you want to learn to love more unconditionally and to have more fulfilling relationships? The truth is that this journey begins by learning to love and accept ourselves. Combining tools from Real Love, Safe Conversations, Inner Child and more, I will be facilitating a new small group by zoom that creates a safe, supportive environment for you to discover greater connection, belonging and unconditional love in your relationships. For more info: Build Connection Webinar  Being a parent gives us the chance to re-parent ourselves--we have the opportunity to continue to learn about ourselves in relationship with our child. This relationship can encourage us to deepen our connection with ourselves and with others.
One way this shows up is dealing with them when they are sad, upset or frustration. Suppose your child comes home from school or playing with friends and says that they did not let them play or excluded them from a game. For you as the parent to respond with the understanding and empathy, you will need to connect to them with your right brain. That means stopping what you are doing, being present, getting down to their level and touching or holding them, if they are open. You will also need to connect to the pain within of being rejected or excluded yourself. This gives you the opportunity to remember something from the past, to really understand the pain your child is experiencing. Of course, the focus still needs to be on our child—we need to be careful to not make it about us. We can start with something like, “Being a kid is hard, isn’t it?” If we respond first with our left brain, we want to fix the problem and get them to stop crying. We all know that this is not a wise move and usually will not solve the issue. Think for a minute how that worked out when someone (your spouse, a friend, or a co-worker) tried to give you advice about how to solve a problem that you were having! Once the child has calmed down, then we can move to talking about what to do. In the last ten years, there has been an incredible amount of research and discovery about how the brain works. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel is a neuropsychiatrist and has done years of research on the brain and authored numerous books including The Whole-Brain Child and Parenting from the Inside Out. He says that we can help our kids learn to use both the logical left brain and emotional right brain together. It starts with our modeling it for ourselves and for them. Two tools that he recommends are:
 In her book, Radical Acceptance—Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha, author Tara Brach tells a tale of a tiger who lived for years in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. The tiger spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.
Eventually, biologists and staff at the zoo worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond, and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new and expansive environment. But sadly, it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. The tiger paced back and forth in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet became worn bare of any grass. If we take an honest look at how we live our lives, most of us will find that we have developed unhealthy patterns in our relationships. Entangled in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, self-judgement, and unworthiness, we have difficulty expressing our appreciation and love for those that we care about the most—parents, children, siblings, spouse, and friends. Like the tiger, we cage ourselves in and do not achieve the love, joy, and satisfaction that we were created to have. The way out of our cage begins with two important steps:
This is not an easy journey as we often live our lives from the neck up, not wanting to acknowledge the pain, turmoil and wounds that is going on within. It might seem counter-intuitive to focus on the things that are causing us pain, but we cannot heal or change those things of which we are not aware or do not acknowledge. As parents, we are given an amazing experience to grow and heal because we are choosing to be in an intimate parent-child relationship but this time our role is different. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell state in Parenting from the Inside Out, “How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children…your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood.” Negative emotions are not pleasant, but they are useful to understand what we need to address. When we pay attention to what we feel and experience in the relationship with our child, we can be awakened to those things that need our attention. We have a choice how we see the challenges that arise in our relationship with our child:
There is a misconception that others have the power to make us angry, sad, upset, or depressed. When we have unprocessed wounds and pain, we are reactive and respond unconsciously. But we can learn to think, feel, and act mindfully instead of repeating learned patterns of behavior. This takes time and patience and may involve collaborating with a coach, a counselor, working together with others in a parenting group, and/or reading books to support you on this journey.  On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí.
Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH  A highly effective tool that I teach to parents is the Enforceable Statement, also known as Turning Your Words to Gold. If you are like most parents, you find yourself telling your child things like, “Sit down,” “Be Quiet,” “Hurry up,” or “Brush your teeth right now.” The problem with these statements is that you are telling them to do something that you cannot control. Children quickly learn to test, push our buttons, and even win battles. Every time we tell our child to do something that we cannot enforce, we give away some of our power and a lot of our credibility.
Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do. An enforceable statement might sound like this:
Another way to think about the effectiveness of enforceable statements is that we are using words that help our child think about what is being communicated; we are using thinking words instead of fighting words. Some examples are:
Check out the new 7 week series based on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future. Beginning in May, this will support parents of all ages. 7 Gifts Webinar  Are cell phones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones can also be harmful when used during family time! When you text and drive, the harm can be imminent. The risk of texting during family gatherings is cumulative, as it can gradually erode relationships.
Our lives are busy juggling work, school, family, extra-curricular activities, and more. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day that everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with those at our dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. If I use a phone at the dinner table, I send the message to my family, “You are so not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” More importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. When we model conversation skills, our table manners can become theirs. Technology can be a great tool to create connections. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite—it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time and becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family times, the impact can be enormous. We can become strangers to each other. Having some guidelines or rules about cell phones are important. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
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