Imagine that your brain is a two-story house with an upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is considered the more primitive part as it is responsible for basic functions like breathing and blinking your eyes, for reactions and impulses (including fight, flight, or freeze) and strong emotions such as anger or fear. The upstairs brain is more evolved and gives us a greater perspective on life. The upstairs brain, which includes the cerebral cortex and the prefrontal cortex, is our thinking brain. It is where we use our imagination, make plans and good decisions, have self-understanding, develop empathy and morality and gain control over our emotions and our body. And it is constantly learning and developing. Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and author of several books, has spent years studying and researching how our brain works. He says that when a child's upstairs brain is functioning properly, they can regulate their emotions, consider the consequence of choices and how others feel as well as thinking before acting. Our brains work best when the upstairs brain and downstairs brain work together and are integrated. Our goal as a parent is to help build and reinforce the stairway that connects the two brains. This takes time, practice, and support. We now know that most people's brains are fully developed until the age of twenty-five. This explains a lot about! Young children, teenagers and even young adults make poor decisions because their upstairs brain is still developing. In addition, the downstairs brain--the amygdala--is always scanning the environment for safety. The amygdala's job is to quickly process and express emotions, especially anger and fear. Teaching our children and youth about how the two parts of the brain work together can help them understand what is happening with them and their emotions. Dr. Siegel has developed something he calls the Hand Model of the Brain. In this YouTube video, he demonstrates how the thumb folded in is the downstairs brain--the amygdala. And when the four fingers are folded over the thumb, the upstairs brain is integrating both parts. But when the downstairs brain reacts, the child is Flipping Their Lid. Learning to recognize when they are starting to get upset can allow the child to move away from a stressful situation, take a break, do some breathing, or go somewhere quick. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw A great book to help kids understand how to be handling their emotions is, Some Days I Flip My Lid--Learning to be a Calm, Cool Kid. https://www.amazon.com/Some-Days-Flip-My-Lid/dp/1683732510 All this brain knowledge is good for us adults as well. 
Did you know that having healthy relationships helps us to have a healthy brain? Relationship is essential to our development and helps us learn to connect and regulate our emotions and our brain. To better understand our brain in relationships, let's look at the three important parts of the brain involved:
The diagram above of the Brain in Relationships is one I use during the Safe Conversations workshops that I facilitate. Safe Conversations Connecting is our deepest desire and losing connection is our greatest fear. Learning how to connect and communicate with each other without getting triggered is essential. The fact of the matter is that connection cannot occur when Fight, Flight or Freeze is engaged. Learning how to speak to each other calmly and taking a break when we get too upset are important steps in creating connection. One way to do this for ourselves and to model this to others, especially our children, is learning to recognize when we are getting upset or triggered. Recognizing the clues--body tensing up, butterflies in our stomach, heat rising in our face or head--means I can make a choice before I explode. We might say something like, "I am feeling really upset right now. I need to take a break but can we talk about this later?" Getting up and walking away takes us away from the situation and moving our bodies helps ground us and lessen the tension inside. Breathing is a wonderful way to calm down. Mindful breathing is a great way to calm our heart, body and mind. Basically, it means to breathe with intention. You can do it for yourself as well as with your children or your partner. Consider beginning the day with a moment of mindful breathing or before going to sleep at night as a helpful way to unwind. Make this a ritual with your family. Doing breathing practice helps us to tune into ourselves and practice a skill when we calm that we can use when the situation arises. One tool that I have discovered for myself is using the app Insight Timer. Having it on my phone means I can find a quiet place to restore calmness and connection with myself anytime of the day. A resource for teaching mindful breathing to children is: annakaharris.com/mindfulness-for-children/ Finally, expressing our appreciation to those we love strengthens our relationship. It is one thing to feel grateful for our child, spouse or friend. But when we express it to them, it enhances our connection. It says, "I notice you, you are important to me."  Being a parent gives us the chance to re-parent ourselves--we have the opportunity to continue to learn about ourselves in relationship with our child. This relationship can encourage us to deepen our connection with ourselves and with others.
One way this shows up is dealing with them when they are sad, upset or frustration. Suppose your child comes home from school or playing with friends and says that they did not let them play or excluded them from a game. For you as the parent to respond with the understanding and empathy, you will need to connect to them with your right brain. That means stopping what you are doing, being present, getting down to their level and touching or holding them, if they are open. You will also need to connect to the pain within of being rejected or excluded yourself. This gives you the opportunity to remember something from the past, to really understand the pain your child is experiencing. Of course, the focus still needs to be on our child—we need to be careful to not make it about us. We can start with something like, “Being a kid is hard, isn’t it?” If we respond first with our left brain, we want to fix the problem and get them to stop crying. We all know that this is not a wise move and usually will not solve the issue. Think for a minute how that worked out when someone (your spouse, a friend, or a co-worker) tried to give you advice about how to solve a problem that you were having! Once the child has calmed down, then we can move to talking about what to do. In the last ten years, there has been an incredible amount of research and discovery about how the brain works. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel is a neuropsychiatrist and has done years of research on the brain and authored numerous books including The Whole-Brain Child and Parenting from the Inside Out. He says that we can help our kids learn to use both the logical left brain and emotional right brain together. It starts with our modeling it for ourselves and for them. Two tools that he recommends are:
 In her book, Radical Acceptance—Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha, author Tara Brach tells a tale of a tiger who lived for years in the old lion house—a typical twelve-by-twelve-foot cage with iron bars and a cement floor. The tiger spent her days pacing restlessly back and forth in her cramped quarters.
Eventually, biologists and staff at the zoo worked together to create a natural habitat for her. Covering several acres, it had hills, trees, a pond, and a variety of vegetation. With excitement and anticipation, they released her into her new and expansive environment. But sadly, it was too late. The tiger immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. The tiger paced back and forth in that corner until an area twelve by twelve feet became worn bare of any grass. If we take an honest look at how we live our lives, most of us will find that we have developed unhealthy patterns in our relationships. Entangled in feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, self-judgement, and unworthiness, we have difficulty expressing our appreciation and love for those that we care about the most—parents, children, siblings, spouse, and friends. Like the tiger, we cage ourselves in and do not achieve the love, joy, and satisfaction that we were created to have. The way out of our cage begins with two important steps:
This is not an easy journey as we often live our lives from the neck up, not wanting to acknowledge the pain, turmoil and wounds that is going on within. It might seem counter-intuitive to focus on the things that are causing us pain, but we cannot heal or change those things of which we are not aware or do not acknowledge. As parents, we are given an amazing experience to grow and heal because we are choosing to be in an intimate parent-child relationship but this time our role is different. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell state in Parenting from the Inside Out, “How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children…your children give you the opportunity to grow and challenge you to examine issues left over from your own childhood.” Negative emotions are not pleasant, but they are useful to understand what we need to address. When we pay attention to what we feel and experience in the relationship with our child, we can be awakened to those things that need our attention. We have a choice how we see the challenges that arise in our relationship with our child:
There is a misconception that others have the power to make us angry, sad, upset, or depressed. When we have unprocessed wounds and pain, we are reactive and respond unconsciously. But we can learn to think, feel, and act mindfully instead of repeating learned patterns of behavior. This takes time and patience and may involve collaborating with a coach, a counselor, working together with others in a parenting group, and/or reading books to support you on this journey. If you would like support on this journey, consider joining the upcoming 7 week series beginning on May 16 or 18. More info and register here: 7 Gifts Webinar Or discover what I do as a coach: Coaching  On a bucket-list trip to the Mediterranean, my husband, Michael, and I had the opportunity to experience the Sagrada Familia—Holy Family Church—in Barcelona, Spain. An icon of the city, the church boasts bold, wildly creative, organic architecture and décor inside and out, and is still a work in progress. In fact, the term gaudy comes from the name of the architect—Antoni Gaudí. Begun in 1882 under the guidance and direction of Francisco de Paula del Villar, Antoni Gaudí took over the project in 1883 when Villar resigned. Gaudí devoted his life to creating this unusual masterpiece, set to be finished in 2026. Despite his boldly modern architectural vision, Gaudí was a traditional and deeply religious man who designed the Sagrada Familia to be a place of solid Christian values amid what was a humble workers’ colony in a fast-changing city. When he died, only one section of the church—the Nativity Façade—had been completed. The rest of the work has been inspired by his vision, but he knew that he would not live to complete it—thus allowing space for others to bring their own inspiration and faith to the project. Learning about the history of the Sagrada Familia reminded me of the need for us as parents to take the long view for our families. Investing in your child isn’t only for today. It is for who they will become, the family they will have, and the grandchildren that will be born and raised. We must challenge ourselves to allow the process to unfold organically and in cooperation with our children, not micromanaging every detail and overstressing about the future. Rather, like Gaudí, you can provide support, guidance, vision, inspiration, and trust for your child, youth, and young adult as you imagine the way they will impact tomorrow. Parents today have a lot to contend with in an increasingly complex and fast paced world. Although this may feel daunting, it also means parents today have access to many more resources than previous generations. Through intentional parenting, you make a plan to prioritize where you put your time and energy, and this guides your day-to-day decision making. It is my desire to inspire you through the tools, resources, and experiences shared in my book to positively touch the present and the future. To purchase 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH Parenting is one of the most rewarding and yet challenging roles that one can have. And it is a responsibility that we take on with very little preparation. Using my recently published book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future, as the foundation for discuss, I will be hold a 7 week series where you can find tools and support for you on your parenting journey. The target audience for this 7-week series is for parents of all age children although the discussion groups will be assigned by stages in life (new parents, parents of elementary age, parents of teens, parents of adult children.) Each weekly session will focus on one chapter: The Gifts of Belonging, Connection, Resilience, Wisdom, Accountability, Experience and Being the Best Parent You Can Be. The weekly session will include Education, Small Group Discussion, and Application. For more information and to register: https://www.coachmyrna.org/7gifts.html  A highly effective tool that I teach to parents is the Enforceable Statement, also known as Turning Your Words to Gold. If you are like most parents, you find yourself telling your child things like, “Sit down,” “Be Quiet,” “Hurry up,” or “Brush your teeth right now.” The problem with these statements is that you are telling them to do something that you cannot control. Children quickly learn to test, push our buttons, and even win battles. Every time we tell our child to do something that we cannot enforce, we give away some of our power and a lot of our credibility.
Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do. An enforceable statement might sound like this:
Another way to think about the effectiveness of enforceable statements is that we are using words that help our child think about what is being communicated; we are using thinking words instead of fighting words. Some examples are:
Check out the new 7 week series based on 7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future. Beginning in May, this will support parents of all ages. 7 Gifts Webinar  Are cell phones dangerous to use while driving? Of course, absolutely. Cell phones can also be harmful when used during family time! When you text and drive, the harm can be imminent. The risk of texting during family gatherings is cumulative, as it can gradually erode relationships.
Our lives are busy juggling work, school, family, extra-curricular activities, and more. For many families, dinner time is the only time of the day that everyone is together. These moments are precious and should be cherished. Yet, instead of connecting with those at our dinner table, we often choose to connect with people and events around the world. If I use a phone at the dinner table, I send the message to my family, “You are so not important. I have more important people to connect with right now. I am not interested in your life. I have nothing to talk to you about.” More importantly, our children learn from the examples we set. When we model conversation skills, our table manners can become theirs. Technology can be a great tool to create connections. However, used at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose, it does the exact opposite—it disconnects us. Used at the dinner table, technology disrupts the flow of family time and becomes a distraction and source of conflict, causing ripples within the loving context of the family. Balancing technology use with our everyday lives is an ongoing struggle for many families, mine included. If we don’t put a conscious effort into disconnecting from our phones during family times, the impact can be enormous. We can become strangers to each other. Having some guidelines or rules about cell phones are important. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
 A few years ago, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.
Deepak shares an analogy: Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book. As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child. In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.” When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory. Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go! Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others. What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?  I have written previously about Women's Federation for World Peace, an organization that I support as a member and as a director on the board. WFWP believes that each of us is a peace leader in our circle of influences--with our family members, our co-workers and those that we interact with at church, on a committee, at work or in our neighborhood. When we follow the Golden Rule of treating others the way we want to be treated--with kindness, respect and love--we discover that there is more we have in common than what separates us. Working together with women from many walks of life through WFWP, I experience gratitude for their unique expressions of care for others and find it exciting and nourishing to be able to choose to be part of something bigger than myself. WFWP has three areas of focus:
All three areas are essential in fulfilling the mission of WFWP which is: Empowering women with knowledge, skills and supportive community to discover their unique value and bring lasting peace. However, Marriage and Family is my life's work and what I am the most passionate about. It has lead me from being a teacher, to a coach and parent educator and most recently, a published author. In my book, I say, "We guide our children through our relationship with them by cultivating a place of belonging and connection in our home. I believe that more than any other relationship, parenting calls us to be our best selves. And through the process, we discover our own healing and joy!" I would like to invite you to join me on Tuesday, March 29 at 8 pm ET/5 pm PT for a program sponsored by WFWP. I will be sharing from my book, 7 GIfts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future: how we can strengthen the relationships with our children and give them tools that will serve them their whole life. For more information and to register: www.wfwp.us/yomo For more information about Women's Federation for World Peace: www.wfwp.us/ To purchase my book: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH   Family is the foundation of society. History confirms it and every nation is built on that foundation. But the many changes and advances that our world has seen over the past 70 years puts enormous stress on family life. In the words of economic visionary Stan M. Davis, “When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles.” As parents, we need to reflect deeply on this and look at how we are prioritizing and leading our families in these changing times. I have come to believe that creating a space each week to invest in the family is essential.
Holding weekly family meetings is not a new idea, but it brings together several elements that can strengthen your family and help things run more smoothly. When I was a teacher as well as a part of my church’s youth ministry staff, we had regular meetings that were an integral part of the success of the programs. Every company, organization, and non-profit relies on monthly or weekly meetings to make things function. Similar to any organization, families need to create some order around work and school schedules, church activities, sports, music and dance lessons, doctor appointments, family vacations, summer jobs, household chores, volunteer projects, and more. Meeting together once a week with a family calendar creates the necessary structure needed for harmonious living. In addition, family meetings enable everyone to be engaged in the process of building relationships, solving problems, creating connections, and having fun. For many families, the first hurdle is simply making time. In our busy lives, we can feel that family time is just one more thing to juggle. But shouldn’t this be a worthy challenge for each of us to strive towards? If we want to make our family a priority, finding one hour a week is essential. Whether you have never established a weekly family gathering or yours needs a little tweaking, I invite you to take the next step in making this happen. I agree with Stephen R. Covey when he says, “I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it ‘family time,’ ‘family hour,’ ‘family council’ or ‘family night’. . .Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.” The purpose of a weekly gathering time is to have one evening each week where the family is the focus and priority. As simple as that sounds, it will not happen unless you reserve the time. Put it on your schedule just like you do with all other appointments. It can include a special meal as well: Chili Tuesday or Pizza Friday. Family meetings can make an enormous difference. They can become the keystone to a happy, harmonious family life. Families who meet weekly find that siblings fight less, children argue less with their parents, and there is less yelling and nagging! Now, isn’t that an hour a week well spent? Using the four elements that I introduce in the first chapter of my book, tinyurl.com/7-Gifts-to-Give-Your-Child, you can be flexible and creative with family meetings. If your children are young, it may be about establishing a weekly routine without worrying about the various parts. With older children, include them in the planning process for the weekly fun activities and reading/discussion topic. This helps them have input, which can contribute to their level of enthusiasm about the family gatherings. It is also a great skill for their future—learning teamwork, taking on responsibility for the outcome, and experiencing synergy that comes from collaboration. If your children are adults and maybe have children of their own, find a weekly or monthly time to get together over a meal. Delicious food always enhances connection and making time to enjoy each others company can create opportunities to reminisce about past family adventures and make new memories. An added benefit to weekly family meetings is that it gives an opportunity to share your values and stimulate conversation about topics like honesty, gratitude, respect, perseverance, friendship, and kindness in a natural way. Read a classic from The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett or another favorite, and ask open-ended questions. You can Google “Books That Build Character” to find lots of great suggestions. You might also watch a YouTube video together like “Grateful: A Love Song to the World” and discuss what being grateful looks like in your family. Challenge your kids to find other inspirational videos and TED Talks to share at family meetings. If you have young children, get the book Have You Filled A Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud and learn how to be a bucket filler instead of a bucket dipper. Pick a value or virtue for a week or a month, and have the kids create and decorate a poster with the virtue to put around your house to remind everyone. Occasionally, the discussion time could be dedicated to resolving challenges between family members. You can also use the meeting to plan an upcoming family trip or summer vacation to get everyone’s input. Things that we schedule are more likely to happen, and having a regular time both for logistics and for connection as a family will make parenting less stressful and more joyful. Nothing says “I belong” like a family activity that creates laughter and memories. What will your next family meeting look like? For more information about "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future" please visit: www.coachmyrna.org/7-gifts-to-give-your-child.html |
