​Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.

I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person.

Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine.

Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. 

Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.

• Hear: Physically take in the sound. This means that we need to stay focused on the person speaking instead of looking at our phone or tuning them out because we think we know what they’re going to say.
• Listen: This is a step up from hearing; it means that we bring empathy into the picture and really try to listen to what the other person is saying, all the while considering their perspective. Don’t forget to pay attention to their body language and tone of voice too: they account for 93% of communication!
• Understand: After we’ve heard someone and listened to them, we need to confirm our understanding of what was said with the other person. Why? Because it’s easy to misinterpret something based on our own assumptions or a mistaken understanding of someone else’s map. By confirming what was said with the other person, we not only demonstrate to them that we’re listening, which is hugely honoring, it also helps us avoid responding based on a mistaken belief.
• Acknowledge: Let the other person know that we’re present and that we’re paying attention. This can be as simple as nodding or saying, “uh huh” or “go on.” It’s all about showing the other person that we care so we can build rapport and keep the conversation going.

Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:

• Pick a topic and divide into pairs. Have one person be the listener and the other person shares for 3-5 minutes or less. (With younger children, start with a shorter amount of time.) Come back together as a whole family and have the listener share what their partner told them, seeing how much they can remember. Do a second round switching roles within the pairs.
• Play the game, "I'm going on a trip and I am taking..." One person begins saying the statement and adding an item that begins with A. The next person says the whole sentences including the A item and adds an item that begins with B. Continue around the family circle repeating the whole sentence and adding a new item that begins with the next letter.
• Break into pairs and provide one blindfold for each pair. One person puts on the blindfold and the other person guides them through the house or backyard by giving clear verbal directions. Remind everyone before starting that goal is for everyone to be safe (not get hurt) and to communicate clearly.

​For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: 

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection

https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between

More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.

It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. 

Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart.

Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak.

The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion.

Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands.

There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative. 

A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”

This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. 

Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy.

Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process.

As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. 

With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation.

You are giving a lecture when:

• You do most of the talking
• Your voice is raised
• You sound a little preachy
• You sound like you are speaking to a child
• Your statements make you sound superior​

You know you are having a conversation when:

• You are listening to and reflecting on what the other person says​
• You engage in a dialogue
• Your tone and demeanor show respect
• Your language is free from "you should" statements
• You have been given permission to speak into the other person's life

Ever feel that your family is always on the go and that there is too little time for communication? Or perhaps the arguing, bickering and putdowns in your home seem overwhelming. Whatever the stage of your family's interactions, I would like to introduce you to the concept of the Space Between. As a Safe Conversations® facilitator, I teach a new definition of relationship which is two (or more) people and the space between them. What we put into that space--complaint and negativity or appreciation and understanding--greatly impacts the quality of our relationship with each other. To hear the founders of Safe Conversation®, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly-Hunt, explain more about the Space Between, watch this 6 minute video: 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7pq1KI2KTw

One area of communication that we are usually don't pay enough attention to is listening. Did you know that research shows that we only remember 25% or less of what another person is saying to us? If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time we listen to respond--that is to give our opinion, share our experience or disagree with what the other person has said. To bring empathy into the space between, we need to begin to listen to understand

Want to improve your family’s communication? Start a new tradition in your home. Over a family meal or at a family meeting, say that you would really like to create more appreciation and kindness in the family. Explain the concept of the space between and how it impacts the way that the family interacts. Print out the list of conversation starters at the link below and cut them into strips.
tinyurl.com/conversation-starters

Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children, etc.) Fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Have someone pull out a question to begin. Everyone can answer the same question, or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start changing your family's culture. If you have never held a family meeting, refer to this previous blogpost: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority

Another activity that works great for families for whom everyone is old enough to read and write begins by gathering everyone, giving them a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Tell each family member to print their name in the middle of the paper. Then, tell everyone that this is an opportunity to express the things that they appreciate about each other. When everyone is ready, tell them to pass the paper to the right and begin. Each family member writes something that they appreciate about the person whose name is on the paper. Give enough time each round for each person to write--usually a minute is good. Having everyone work in silence is also a way to support the atmosphere; play some beautiful music in the background.

​Keep passing the papers until everyone gets their own paper back and has a chance to read over what has been written. If anyone wants to read theirs aloud or express what they feel after reading it, do so. This is a terrific opportunity to give a voice to that which often goes unspoken.

​Both of these activities can be adapted to be used with adult children and even grandchildren. Whether it is one-on-one or at the next family get-together, we have the opportunity to impact the space between.

​A few weeks ago, I was with my three- and one-half-year-old granddaughter--I have the privilege of spending time with her each week and giving her parents a break. It was a warm day and I had on shorts. She asked me, "Nan, what is that ouchy on your leg?"

Looking down at the permanent purplish mark on my leg that she was gently touching, I replied that it was from an injury from a long time ago that did not go away. Her concern was obvious as she asked me if it hurt, how did it happen and did I need a band-aid. 

Thinking about this conversation after I was back home, I realized that I do not remember how I got this permanent bruise--the medical term for it is an ecchymosis. It means that I got hit on the leg hard enough for it to bleed under the skin, leaving a permanent mark. I have, in fact, two of these on my right leg with no memory of how they happened.

It made me think about how much I have no memory of in my life because I was focused on whatever task I was doing without really being present to those around me and even what I was experiencing. For the past seven years, I have been making effort to become more present to the moment.

There are practices that I have discovered that help me develop self-awareness and presence in my daily life. About seven years, I began practicing yoga. Initially, I joined a yoga studio because it was within walking distance from my house, and I wanted to get exercise and develop more core strength. But I also realized that it helped me to stop my busyness and focus inward. I have a yoga mat in my office area to remind me to stop and spend some time practicing each day.

Meditation is also something that I highly recommend. Meditation is a tool that combines awareness and mindfulness practices. It is known to reduce anxieties, body fat, chronic medical situations, depression, dementia, loneliness, and stress. It also improves one's attention span, sleep, positivity and overall peace of mind.

​There are numerous apps that make it easy to access a meditation whenever we want. Some that I use are Insight Timer, Tapping Solution, Mind Valley, and Headspace. These have both meditations for free and for a fee.

Finding a meditation practice that you feel connected to is important. For some people, walking in nature with the intention of connecting to the beautiful surroundings is the best method. Taking moments out of your day to simple close your eyes and take deep breaths reduces stress and helps to reconnect with your inner self. Another possibility is to take time at the beginning or the end of the day to reflect, meditate and journal. Qigong is form of moving meditation with many health benefits. One that I have practiced is Wisdom Healing Qigong: www.youtube.com/c/MingtongGu but you can search for practices online and in your own community.

If you think that meditation isn’t for you, check out this article that gives even more ideas and options. tinyurl.com/5d5x7vnh Try out different methods of bringing more awareness and presence into your life to find the ones that resonate the most with you.
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Currently, I am combining gardening with my meditative practices. I used to buy plants for my back patio and forget to water them. Now, I am actively working to create a beautiful space where I can relax, meditate, breath and enjoy the fragrant flowers and the vibrant hummingbirds. How well my garden is doing is my litmus test for how I am doing with including presence and self-awareness in my own life.

In a couple of weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating our fortieth anniversary. Reflecting back on this journey that we have traveled together, I am acutely aware that there is no shortcuts to achieving closeness and connection as a couple. Relationships take consistent investment, a commitment to grow together, a willingness to share honestly even when we are scared or hurt, finding ways to practice forgiveness and grace, and discovering unconditional love. ​

As parents and grandparents, one of the most powerful ways that we impact those we love is in how we relate to and treat others--our spouse, our children & grandchildren, our friends and more. Research shows that when children see their parents love each other in a respectful, trustful and positive manner, they have a much better chance of having the same kind of relationship with their future spouse. And the greatest sense of security for a child is the knowledge that his or her parents love each other.

No matter where you are on this journey, it is always worthwhile to make time to invest in your important relationships. I would like to share with you a couple of resources to support your work. As a Prepare Enrich facilitator, one of the first resources I suggest to a couple is a inventory:  tinyurl.com/Relationship-Check  Feel free to use to as a way to begin a conversation with your partner. If you would like to know more about the Prepare Enrich program, Contact Me

A second resource is a four week course beginning on Wednesday, July 5th entitled Relationship Readiness--Transformation of Heart. It is a program presented by Hilde Wiemann, founder of Generational Healing. As a relationship coach who trained under Hilde, I highly recommend this course for engaged couples, individuals looking to prepare for a future marriage as well as those who have been together for a number of years and are looking to deepen their relationship. You can find information and register here: www.generationalhealing.org/relationship-prep

The third Sunday in June is dedicated to honoring fathers and father figures for the sacrifices they make, for embracing the responsibility of nurturing and raising children, and for devotion to their family. It is a well-known fact that Father's Day doesn't get the same attention that Mother's Day does and there are far less cards, chocolates and flowers sold.

If you are trying to think of the best way to honor your dad, how about doing something special together that he enjoys instead of buying a gift? If you don't live nearby, organize a zoom call to share your appreciations with him. Create a short video interviewing family members about their favorite memories or a photo book that everyone can collaborate on. Need some more ideas? Check out these: www.allprodad.com/5-ideas-for-fathers-day-to-honor-your-dad/

For me, I want to reshare a blog post from a few years ago. The photo for this blog is my dad, my husband and three sons, putting together a bird house on one of our visits.
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As a child, Mondays were special days because it meant pancakes for breakfast made by my dad.  Working as a hospital chaplain and the pastor of a Mennonite congregation kept my father quite busy. Mondays were his days off and he developed a whole wheat flour recipe that he mixed up for us the first school day of each week. 

Served with butter and warmed syrup, we enjoyed this weekly treat and it became part of our family tradition.  And if there were some left over, we might have them that evening with some vanilla ice cream sandwiched inside.  As adults, my siblings and I would often request pancakes for breakfast when we visited.

As we are approaching Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the influence of my father on my life.  Every summer, my dad helped my mom pack us in the car for a day trip to the Oregon coast or a camping trip to Honeyman State Park where we collected sticks and sea shells, built sandcastles and rode the dune buggy on the Oregon Dunes.  My dad helped me appreciate the wonders of nature.

Later when we moved to Kansas, we spent several summers in the Ozarks. I remember once, we were expecting to hear some local musicians perform on the courthouse steps. However, when we arrived at the empty town square, it became clear that we had outdated information.

My dad asked around and eventually found some local musicians gathering nearby to play for their own entertainment.  Being an awkward teenager, I am pretty sure I was lobbying for going straight back to our campsite. But soon we found ourselves seated in some battered folding chairs enjoying the music from a dulcimer, some fiddles, a banjo, a few guitars, a hammered dulcimer and even a couple of cloggers (a type of folk dance.), 

On one of our visits to the Arkansas Ozarks, my dad inquired about how to make a dulcimer and before we headed home, he had purchased plans to build one.  I am the proud owner of one of his ‘limited editions.’ From my dad, I learned the importance of curiosity and not letting shyness get in the way of experiencing life.

From the very beginning of my life, I was influenced by the lifestyle choices of both my father and mother.  I was born in Mathis, a small Texas town near Corpus Christi in a maternity hospital built by volunteers from the Mennonite Church. As the directors of the program, my parents provided leadership, support and meals eaten around a ping pong table.

Through the Mennonite Voluntary Service unit, the local community benefited from having access to the maternity hospital, a kindergarten to help children learn English before starting elementary school, cooking & basketball after school clubs, adult education and more. MVS, started in 1944 as a practical peaceful alternative to serving in the military, continues until today as a way for volunteers make a 1-2 year commitment to make a difference.

​I find the words of American writer Clarence Budington Kelland sum up well what I learned from watching my dad, Millard E. Osborne.  “My father didn’t tell me how to live life; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

If you are interested in knowing more about the origins of Father's Day: www.almanac.com/content/when-fathers-day

Many years ago, American novelist and college professor Toni Morrison was on the Oprah Winfrey Show to launch her book The Bluest Eye. During the conversation, Oprah asked her to talk about the messages we give our children.

Ms. Morrison explained that it’s interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, “Does your face light up?”

​She went on to explain, “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face--What’s wrong now? Instead, let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room, my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?”

Dr. Brené Brown said after many years of research, “I am sure of one thing: Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. . . . Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.”

Intuitively, we already sense what we need in order to feel emotionally fulfilled and happy. We see evidence of it in the unifying theme of most literature, movies, songs, magazines, and even commercial advertisements. More than anything else, what we all need is love, relationship, and connection.

Scientific studies have demonstrated that from early childhood, our brains are molded by love and connection. Without it, infants literally die, even though their basic needs are met. Later in life, those lacking connection experience higher rates of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, depression, accidents, addictions, and suicide. In fact, loss of connection is the cause of emotional wounding which can lead to anxiety, self-absorption, and loss of empathy. The lack of feeling connected to others is part of the core human problem resulting in mistrust, lack of empathy for others, conflict and more.

As a Safe Conversations workshop facilitator, I help individuals, couples and families communicate and connect. We are all meant to be connecting as couples, families, social institutions, and communities. Connecting is how we find joy, satisfaction and happiness. The good news is that relationship skills can be taught—we can all learn to reconnect with those most important to us!

If you would like to create greater connection in your relationships, consider joining the upcoming 7-week series Building Connection in Relationships. Beginning on Monday, June 20, I will be facilitating a small group using the tools of  Love, Safe Conversations, Inner Child and more. To learn more:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/buildconnection.html.

If you are interested to discover what a coaching session involves, learn more here:  https://www.coachmyrna.org/coaching.html

Imagine that your brain is a two-story house with an upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is considered the more primitive part as it is responsible for basic functions like breathing and blinking your eyes, for reactions and impulses (including fight, flight, or freeze) and strong emotions such as anger or fear.

The upstairs brain is more evolved and gives us a greater perspective on life. The upstairs brain, which includes the cerebral cortex and the prefrontal cortex, is our thinking brain. It is where we use our imagination, make plans and good decisions, have self-understanding, develop empathy and morality and gain control over our emotions and our body. And it is constantly learning and developing.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and author of several books, has spent years studying and researching how our brain works. He says that when a child's upstairs brain is functioning properly, they can regulate their emotions, consider the consequence of choices and how others feel as well as thinking before acting. 

Our brains work best when the upstairs brain and downstairs brain work together and are integrated. Our goal as a parent is to help build and reinforce the stairway that connects the two brains. This takes time, practice, and support. We now know that most people's brains are fully developed until the age of twenty-five. This explains a lot about! 

Young children, teenagers and even young adults make poor decisions because their upstairs brain is still developing. In addition, the downstairs brain--the amygdala--is always scanning the environment for safety. The amygdala's job is to quickly process and express emotions, especially anger and fear. Teaching our children and youth about how the two parts of the brain work together can help them understand what is happening with them and their emotions.

Dr. Siegel has developed something he calls the Hand Model of the Brain. In this YouTube video, he demonstrates how the thumb folded in is the downstairs brain--the amygdala. And when the four fingers are folded over the thumb, the upstairs brain is integrating both parts. But when the downstairs brain reacts, the child is Flipping Their Lid. Learning to recognize when they are starting to get upset can allow the child to move away from a stressful situation, take a break, do some breathing, or go somewhere quick. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw 

A great book to help kids understand how to be handling their emotions is, Some Days I Flip My Lid--Learning to be a Calm, Cool Kid. https://www.amazon.com/Some-Days-Flip-My-Lid/dp/1683732510  All this brain knowledge is good for us adults as well.
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