|
In the book, “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul,” Dr. Stuart Brown explains that play is anything but trivial. It is a biological drive as integral to our health as sleep or nutrition. We are designed by nature to flourish through play. Keep reading for ideas on how and why play should be a part of your holiday plans.
Play explains why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve and more. Particularly in tough times, we need to play more than ever, as it's the very means by which we prepare for the unexpected, search out new solutions, and remain optimistic. In fact, play just might be the most important work we can ever do. One point that Brown makes repeatedly is that true play requires a person to let go of pride and self-consciousness. A game of Twister would be horrible if everybody were concerned about what others thought of them. In short, play requires humility. Developing a humble spirit around others allows one to truly play with others- and since play is that which fosters creativity, a culture where humility is the rule is a far healthier culture, economically and socially. Play is the cornerstone of happiness and being a parent and grandparent allows the opportunity to play without getting weird looks when we let our silly sides to show. So, what is on your family’s play list this holiday season? What fun do you have planned that can engage the whole family? If your family play list needs some work, use the next family-meeting to discuss this topic. Have each member of the family answer the following three questions:
Next, figure out what types of play all of you enjoy. Then, plan some family outings or activities. It may be that you need to break into smaller groups with a couple of activity choices in order to accomodate everyone. An appreciation activity that my family has enjoyed over the years is having everyone sit around a table with a piece of paper in front of them. Ask each person to put their name in the middle. Explain that this is an opportunity to write (or draw if you have young ones) something that they appreciate about the other family members. To begin, have everyone pass their paper to the left (or right). Whoever is guiding the activity instructs the papers to be passed after 1 minute or so. Continue until each person has their own paper in front of them with wonderful words of acknowledgment and appreciation across the page. Another year, we had a scavenger hunt using our cell phones. The extended family members were divided into teams with a designated driver and a list of things to accomplish and record in a set amount of time. Some of the items were: singing a Christmas carol at the local town square, vacuuming the car at car wash (one team had no coins so they used their voices to mimic the sound), and going to a local movie theater and asking those leaving how they would rate the movie they just saw. It was a great intergenerational activity that engaged everyone and of course, the highlight was gathering back together and viewing each team’s movie. Need more ideas? Reach out to family members to find out their suggestions. Research fun things to do in your area. And have a blast!  The fourth part of Beginning Anew** is letting the other person know that you are upset because of something that they said or did. However, as most of us know from past experience, this cannot be done while we are still in the middle of feeling hurt, irritated or just plain mad. When we feel hurt or irritated, it is wise to refrain from speaking or acting in those moments. Simply remember to breathe and move away from the person. If you must say something, keep it simple, "I am upset but I am not ready to talk about it yet. I will let you know when I am more calm and able to explain." Taking time to process why you are upset is essential. We cannot change something of which we are not aware. Mindful breathing is helpful. It may be useful to journal, reflect silently or even talk to a trusted friend. Think about what upsets you. Have you experienced this before? Is the impact greater because it reminds us of something from the past? Is it possible that you misunderstood what was said? Did you contribute in some way to the situation? What do you need to express about how you felt? What do you need to say in order to restore the connection in the relationship? There are two basic paths that we can talk in express why we were upset to another: we can throw words like darts, resulting in creating defensiveness or we can speak calmly and sincerely about how we felt which most likely will result in being able to be heard and hear the other. Sometimes, when a wall already exists between two people, it is necessary to return to the first step in this process: watering-each-others-flowers.html. It may also be helpful to have a facilitator to keep communication safe. As a Safe Conversations® facilitator, I guide individuals, couples, and families to work through challenges and misunderstandings with "The Frustration Dialogue" process. For more on Safe Conversations: Build Connection Webinar. The final step of Beginning Anew** is a practice initiated by Thich Nhat Hanh--Hugging Meditation. He describes it as a combination of East and West wisdom. Tea comes from Asia where making a cup of tea involves taking the dried leaves, boiling water, steeping them in a teapot for some time, straining the leaves and then pouring to drink the tea. When tea came to the west, they made teabags which makes the process much quicker and easier. Like this combination of the East-West wisdom, hugging meditation is a wonderful East-West practice for reconciliation. It involves the western greeting of hugging a family member or friend while bringing meditation into the experience. Before hugging, you bring your mind completely into the present moment. Then, looking deeply at the other person, contemplate how precious they are. Breath in their presence, acknowledging their presence and importance to you. Breathe out gratitude that they are here with you in this moment. **The content for this series is inspired by the book "Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication" by Sister Chan Khong. If you missed the other blogposts in this series, you can find them here: creating-happiness-is-an-art.html watering-each-others-flowers.html expressing-regret.html asking-for-more-information.html 
 The third part of Beginning Anew** is about understanding what's going on in the other person's mind. Often if someone else feels slighted or misunderstood by us, we can see in their reaction to us that we have hurt them and we are able to apologize immediately. However, sometimes it may be a small thing that goes unnoticed. Little hurts can add up, so it is important to check in with our loved ones regularly.
When we have a genuine understanding of each other, it fosters mutual respect and deep love. Asking your son, daughter, spouse, or coworker specific questions and really listening to the answers can create a better understanding of each other. Following are some examples of such questions and conversations:
When teaching Safe Conversations®, I guide individuals to ask, "Is there more about that?" as part of the dialogue practice. Doing this expresses curiosity, a vitally important expression of interest, respect, and validation to the other person. It also opens the door for them to pause and think about what else might need to be said. Next week's blog will give more guidance on how to safely express hurt, frustration or disagreement with someone. For more on Safe Conversations®, www.coachmyrna.org/create-connection-in-relationships.html **The content for this series is inspired by the book "Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication" by Sister Chan Khong. If you missed the other blogposts in this series, you can find them here: creating-happiness-is-an-art.html watering-each-others-flowers.html expressing-regret.html  The second step in the four-step practice Beginning Anew** is expressing regret or apologizing for anything that you wish you would have done differently. When we recognize that we made a mistake or have hurt someone that we deeply care about, it helps if we can find the courage to apologize before it becomes a knot in the relationship.
We can begin to recognize the knots that need to be untangled. While it isn't easy to look at our own negative feelings and behavior, it is actually a blessing when they surface because we can recognize that we need to pay attention to them. As we practice the art of mindful living together, we can learn to help untie each other's knots. Saying "I am sorry" or "I was wrong" can be exceedingly difficult. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid admitting that we were wrong. We protect ourselves from being exposed and we fear losing others' respect and love. However, owning our part in causing pain and apologizing for something we regret can begin to dissolve the hurt the other person feels and the distance that anger and mistrust creates in a relationship. "I am sorry" and "Please forgive me" are two of the phrases of the Ho'oponopono Prayer. The word Ho’oponopono roughly translates to “cause things to move back in balance” or to “make things right with oneself and others." This ancient tradition that was the mantra of redemption for families who were separated or estranged from each other was updated by Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona in the 1970s. Recognized as a Kahuna Iapa’au (healer) in Hawaii and honored by the State of Hawaii as a Living Treasure in 1983, Morrnah Simeona taught that the main purpose of this process is to discover the Divinity within oneself first, then acknowledge the Divine in the other. She left her updated version of this ancient Hawaiian philosophy of problem-solving to humankind as a gift to be shared and practice. During this holiday season, I encourage you to think of family and friends with whom you may need to make things right. Starting by connecting to the divine within supports us in self-awareness and self-forgiveness. If you would like support in practicing the Ho'oponopono, you can find many video versions on YouTube. I also like Insight Timer as a resource for meditation practices which can be accessed on the web and as an app on your phone. Here is a sample: insighttimer.com/duongminhthong/guided-meditations/hooponopono-practice-everyday-50-times **The content for this series is inspired by the book "Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication" by Sister Chan Khong. If you missed the first two blogposts in this series, you can find them here: creating-happiness-is-an-art.html watering-each-others-flowers.html  Everyone wants to experience happiness and harmony in their relationships with family and friends. Since all relationships are made up of imperfect human beings, we know that misunderstandings and arguments will occur. If we try to ignore or suppress our hurt feelings, eventually, they will burst out and possibly damage or destroy the connection we have with someone we really care about. On the other hand, going directly to the person to convey how you are upset by what they said or did usually doesn't go well, especially if we are still feeling wounded or angry about the incident. As I mentioned in last week's blog creating-happiness-is-an-art.html, I will be sharing a four-step practice Beginning Anew** which gives us a way to clear up misunderstandings, heal our relationships, and reconcile with each other.
This week, we begin with Step One: Watering Each Other's Flowers. If we have a garden that we regularly water and pay attention to, we will have lovely flowers and other plants to enjoy. In the same way, we can refresh and nurture our relationships by expressing our appreciations and gratitude to them. It is by acknowledging something--big or small--that the other person has said or done that we "water the flower" in the person. The amazing added benefit is that it trains us to be more attentive in daily life to the many small kindnesses and beauties of others around us, thus increasing our own happiness as well. It is important to find a way to incorporate into our lives the practice of appreciating others. Below are some suggestions to get you started.
The art of happiness is the capacity to create an environment where everyone is seen, valued, and appreciated on a regular basis. **The content for this series is inspired by the book "Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication" by Sister Chan Khong. www.amazon.com/Beginning-Anew-Steps-Restoring-Communication/dp/1937006816  The culture of the home that we grow up in impacts our ability to connect and relate to others--classmates, teachers, friends, bosses, co-workers, partners, and our own children. If during our childhood, we experienced our parents interacting with kindness, respect, and love, most likely, we have learned these skills ourselves. If, however, we didn't experience this type of home environment, we may not know how to do this with our family and friends. Living together is an art. Even with the best of intentions, we can cause others to feel unhappy.
Through being intentional, we can learn the art of creating happiness in our relationships. It begins with mindfulness and self-awareness. In fact, the practice of mindfulness is said to be the practice of love itself. Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese monastic, and peace activist, was often called the Father of Mindfulness and is credited as one of the key figures who brought Buddhism to the west. He said that he would like to create a one-year program for individuals before they get married. For a whole year, the students would practice looking deep within to discover all that exists there—their flowers and their compost—developed from their own choices, what they gained from their family and society experiences and what they inherited from their ancestors. He said, "If people don't take time to come to know themselves well and untie their internal knots, when they enter into a relationship with another person, their union will be difficult." Starting with our own awareness, we can begin to recognize the knots that need to be untangled. It isn't easy to look at our own negative feelings and we often create elaborate defense mechanisms to deny their existence. But it is actually a blessing when they surface because we can recognize that we need to pay attention to them. As we practice the art of mindful living together, we can learn to help untie each other's knots. I will be sharing over the next four weeks a four-step process of restoring connection and communication--untangling the knots within ourselves and with our partner and children. The concepts come from a book entitled "Beginning Anew" by Sister Chan Khong. In the meantime, feel free to read several previous blogs that I have written on related topics. begin-anew-today.html a-new-way-to-experience-life.html  Recently, while feeling overwhelmed about how I can impact the world in a positive way, I was reminded of the words of Jane Goodall. She said, "I like to envision the whole world as a jigsaw puzzle… If you look at the whole picture, it is overwhelming and terrifying, but if you work on your little part of the jigsaw and know that people all over the world are working on their little bits, that’s what will give you hope." I remember at family gatherings, it was a tradition to put together a 1000- or 1500-piece puzzle over the course of our time together.
Opening the box and looking at the numerous pieces inside, it was hard to imagine them changing into the picture on the cover of the box. It was like a ritual--setting a card table, sorting out the outside edges and creating the frame. Slowly, the pieces were fitted together to create a flower, a building, or a bridge. My mom and my brother-in-law were among the most patient and consistent contributors. As I reflect on the lessons that I can draw from the words of Jane Goodall and my own experience with watching the puzzle unfold, I am struck by how these very elements are what we need to work on in our own niche of the world.
I am challenging myself--and I invite you as well--to find ways to work on your own section of the puzzle. Look for opportunities to create connections and conversations with your neighbor, co-worker, partner, parent, sibling, or child. Which puzzle pieces need your attention right now?  Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening, the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits us with 86,400 seconds. Each night, at midnight, our count starts over. Nothing is carried over from the previous day.
Each day opens a new account for us, ripe with possibities. Each night, it burns the remains of the day. If we fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is ours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the tomorrow. We have the opportunity to choose how we will use today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special.
Time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. Perhaps that's why it's called the present!  In her book, The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says, “Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t in control—with all the frustrations, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation.” We have many opportunities to get upset, react, or get triggered throughout our day--with our boss or a co-worker, while driving in traffic, with a friend, or our spouse. However, children seem to have the unique ability to know how to push our buttons! I'd like to point out that this gives us the opportunity to re-parent ourselves.
There is a reason we are getting upset, giving in, or overreacting. Learning about what causes us to react and understanding why some things bother us more than others is an important part of parenting. Getting triggered is when we have an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Often something our child or someone else says or does connects us to a difficult childhood memory. We can begin by realizing that getting overly upset or triggered is something to pay attention to rather than be ashamed of. I like to think of such opportunities as "awakenings." These intense interactions uncover something in me that perhaps I already knew deep inside. Starting with this awareness, we can begin to see that there is more at stake than simply someone else's words or actions. At times, we can work through these challenges on our own, but sometimes we need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional, and that’s okay. Parenting and grandparenting give us the tremendous opportunity to reparent ourselves! Reparenting means to work through emotions, habits and experiences from our past that stand in the way of being our best selves right now and make different choices in our current relationships. To do this involves learning to:
www.prepare-enrich.com/blog/4-benefits-of-understanding-your-triggers Previously, I have written several past blogs about effective ways of communicating with our children. Using an enforceable statement is describing what I as the parent will or can do such as, "I listen to people who talk to me in a calm and respectful manner" or "I drive kids to soccer practice/the mall/their friends’ house who have finished their chores." It is about replacing threats and warnings with simple action and turning your words into gold. You can read more about Enforceable Statements here: enforceable-statements.html
Another tool that I highly recommend is learning to use guiding questions instead of trying to tell your child what to do. This approach is effective because it empowers the child or youth to begin to solve their own problems, it creates cooperation instead of resistance, it develops self-efficacy and ownership, and it shares control with the child. More about learning to share control here: sharing-control-through-choices.html and gifts-we-can-give-our-children-sharing-control.html I'd like to give you a few examples of how to use guiding questions. Mom and four-year-old Alex are getting ready to leave the home for school and work. Below is their conversation through which Mom was able to help Alex think through his choices and arrive at the best one without getting upset or having Mom make it for him. Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on, and we must go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.” Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.” Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.” “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.” Alex; “Great” Mom: “How do you think they’ll work when you go outside for recess?” Alex: “Oh” (He thinks about this for a bit. His mom is quiet and doesn’t say a word, giving Alex time to think.” “I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?” Mom: “Sure, honey. Car leaves in four minutes.” Another scenario could go like this: Fifteen-year-old Holly once again left the kitchen a mess after several conversations about cleaning up after herself. Holly had agreed to do this each morning before going to school. Mom: "You didn’t clean the kitchen before school this morning." Holly: "I couldn’t help it. I started cleaning, but I didn’t have time to finish before we had to leave for school." Mom: "What time did you get up this morning?" Holly: "Seven." Mom: "Who made you get up at that time?" Holly: "Nobody." Mom: "So you chose to get up at seven, is that right?" Holly: "Yes." Mom: "Then you could have chosen to get up earlier—at 6:30 am, for example—and cleaned the kitchen." Holly: "But I was up late last night?" Mom: "And whose choice was that?" Holly: "Okay, I get the point." It is important to note that both Alex and Holly could listen to their moms because they had a foundation of love and the parents weren't angry or upset. Children need to be loved and taught to understand choices and responsibility and guiding questions are a great tool to support this process. |
