 What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? Is it wealth, fame, travel, or good health? In 1938, a group of scientists began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores in 1938 during the Great Depression. They hoped the longitudinal study would reveal clues to leading healthy and happy lives. They got more than they wanted. After following the surviving Crimson men for nearly 80 years as part of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the world’s longest studies of adult life, researchers have collected a cornucopia of data on their physical and mental health.
Of the original Harvard cohort recruited as part of the Grant Study, only 19 are still alive, all in their mid-90s. Among the original recruits were eventual President John F. Kennedy and longtime Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee. (Women weren’t in the original study because the College was all male.) The study has been expanded to also study the children of these men. If you think it's fame and money, you're not alone – but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you're mistaken. As the director of 75-year-old study on adult development, Dr. Waldinger has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. He states, “The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health. Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation...Another reality is that loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.” Dr. Waldinger shared in a Ted Talk almost 10 years ago about the study and its findings that are still truly relevant today. You can watch the talk here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI Another psychiatrist involved in the research, Dr. George Vaillant, authored a book entitled "Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development." He said, “When the study began, nobody cared about empathy or attachment. But the key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships!" Through all the research gathered from this impressive study spanning nearly 80 years, the following key points were found to contribute to healthy, happy lives:
What areas in your own or your couple's life might you want to look at how you are doing and what might you want to focus on to make some changes?  Did you know that children who are aware of their family history--where their parents and grandparents grew up, how they overcame difficulties, what their hopes and dreams were as a child or teenager, where certain family traditions came from, how their parents and grandparents met, what their first car or house was like--are emotionally healthier and happier? Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush developed the “Do You Know…?” scale, sometimes called “The 20 Questions,” that tap into different kinds of family stories. The questions were designed as a starting point for sharing family stories and the result was that knowing about one's family history gave rootedness in something bigger than themselves. The process of parents and grandparents sharing stories about their lives provides bedrock upon which to build our own future. The links at the bottom of this blog give more details about the research.
As a child, I remember visiting my mother's parents in Doylestown, PA where my grandfather had a shoe store. My mother told me that in the beginning, my grandfather would buy shoes in Philadelphia and sell them out of the trunk of his car before he opened a store. I was impressed with his entrepreneurship! My father, as the youngest of ten children, became his family's historian and has authored several books that provide a rich history of where I come from. As a teenager, I enjoyed wearing bib overalls, much to the amusement of my father. I learned that he was eager to put wearing bib overalls behind him when he entered high school. As the youngest son of a farmer, it was a practical thing to wear and often, the clothes were handed down because times were hard during WW2. Whether you are a parent or a grandparent or even a beloved uncle or aunt, the children in your lives need to hear stories of where they came from. Below are some questions to get you started in the family tradition of telling your stories.
Resources: Dr. Marshall Duke at Emory University: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jE_oaW-ezc Dr. Robyn Fivush: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-stories-our-lives/201611/the-do-you-know-20-questions-about-family-stories  Did you know that most of us significantly overestimate our listening abilities? Many of us think that we are good listeners but research indicates that the average person only retains around 50% or less of what they hear in a conversation or lecture. One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. David W. Augsburger, "Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable."
Being present to those we love takes effort, especially in the fast-paced world that we live in where:
However, learning to listen with intention is a skill that we can all get better at. Listening to respond is the standard way that most of us communicate. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying with their words and body language, we are already thinking about how we want to reply or what our rebuttal will be. The good news is that relationships skills and better ways to communicate can be learned. More on this in a previous blog--link below. learning-better-ways-to-communicate.html Listening can be an act of love. I challenge you to pay attention this week to ways that you can love through listening. Need some more ideas how to get started? Here are some: questions-to-ask-your-child-or-grandchild.html rethinking-family-dinners.html  I would like to reshare a post from the site below that is relevant for the time that we are living in: www.facebook.com/BuddhismPageFB A man once asked an old Buddhist monk: “How can I allow myself to feel peace or happiness when the world is full of suffering, injustice, pain, and chaos?” The monk looked at him quietly and asked: “If your house was dark…would you refuse to light a candle because the whole world is not yet bright?” The man stood silent. The monk continued: “The suffering of the world is real. But if you destroy your own peace completely, you only create one more exhausted and hopeless human being.” The man replied, “But isn’t being happy selfish when others are suffering?” The monk smiled gently. “A drowning person cannot save another drowning person. Peaceful people heal more than broken people consumed by despair.”Then the monk pointed to a pond nearby. “When the water is disturbed, it cannot reflect clearly. But when it becomes still, everything becomes visible.” He looked back at the man and said: “The same is true for the mind. A restless mind reacts with fear, anger, and hopelessness. A peaceful mind responds with wisdom, compassion, and clarity.” The man lowered his head and whispered, “But the world still feels so heavy.” The monk nodded. “Yes. And that is why your peace matters even more.” Then he added softly: “Do not carry the pain of the entire world in one heart. Instead…Be kind where you are. Help where you can. Speak gently. Reduce suffering around you, even in small ways. A single candle cannot remove all darkness…but it still changes the room it enters.” In Buddhism, happiness is not ignoring suffering. It is learning how to remain compassionate without letting the suffering of the world destroy your spirit completely. The monk smiled one last time and said: “Protect your inner peace. The world needs more calm hearts, not more broken minds.” For steps in (re)creating connection and communiation in relationships: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/category/begin-anew-4-steps  A famous Zen master is visited by a student seeking instructions in the way of Zen Buddhism. The master begins to discuss several topics of Buddhism like emptiness, mindfulness, and meditation. But the student interrupts the master, saying, “Oh, I already know that.” The master then invites the student to have some tea. When the tea is ready, the master pours the tea into a teacup, filling it to the brim, spilling tea over the sides of the cup and onto the table. The student exclaims, “Stop! You can’t pour tea into a full cup.” The master replies, “How true. Please return to me when your cup is empty.”
We need to have room in our teacups in order to discover, learn, and grow to experience beyond what we have already in our lives. Presence, awe and wonder can challenge or expand our thinking—allowing us to see beyond what we see on the surface or what our daily habit has become. Mindfulness is creating awareness and space in our lives to be present to our surroundings, the people that we interact with and our own emotions and feelings. Making space to be mindful allows us to pay attention to how God and goodness is present in our lives instead of feeling overwhelmed with events of the past, being self-critical or judgmental towards ourselves or others, or stressing about the future. As part of a training, I participated in a 40 day Mindfulness Daily practice. I was amazed at how committing to spend 15 minutes in a guided daily practice could help me to find greater inner peace and recognize the emotions and feelings that I didn't notice during my busy day. During that short time, I could connect with an amazing river of emotions and feelings and with the words in Psalms 139, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. ” I encourage you to check out this free resource with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach and give mindfulness a place in your daily life. jackkornfield.com/product/mindfulness-daily/  We teach our children to read, write, clean-up after themselves, and how to behave as best we can. But we don’t always teach the things that protect their confidence, boundaries, and self-worth--some of the areas that people struggle with most in adulthood.
making-family-a-priority.html The reality is that a lot of us are still learning to include these basic skills at 30, 40, or even 70 or 80. It is never too late to discover better ways of relating and connecting in heart with those that we care about and supporting our own feelings of self-worth. It begins with awareness and acknowledging that there are areas in my life that I would like to improve and pick one from the above list to get started. Get curious about how your relationships could become better. Ask more questions of others. Read books and practice incorporating these phrases into your life. If you are a parent of young children or planning to have children, I recommend reading my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child.  In her book, “The Conscious Parent—Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children,” Dr. Shefali Tsabary says that to be more effective in relating to our children, we need to be willing to face and resolve issues in ourselves that come from the way we were parented. She states that, “In fact, it’s my experience that the relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent’s transformation and only secondarily for the raising of the child.”
Think for a moment about a recent time that you were triggered by something that your child did or said. If you are not familiar with the term, getting triggered is an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Maybe your reaction comes from your two-year-old refusing to get in her car seat after a particularly stressful outing to the grocery store. Perhaps it comes when your preteen screams, “I hate you, you never understand me” or your young adult child returns your car on empty or forgets your birthday. Regardless of the cause, the reality is that the things that trigger us almost always connect back to wounds and unmet needs of our inner child. Instead of blaming our children for our emotional reactions, we can use this opportunity to recognize that we are uncovering or awakening something in ourselves that needs our attention as I wrote about in my blog a few years ago. www.coachmyrna.org/coachmyrna-blog/triggers-and-awakenings I remember the privilege of helping my son and daughter-in-law when they became first-time parents. It was amazing to be able to support them as they discovered all the joys and challenges of caring for a newborn. However, at one point, I found myself becoming angry and at first, I couldn’t figure out why. As I examined my emotions, I realized that it had to do with not feeling valued or appreciated. Could it be that I was jealous of all the attention that this beautiful child was getting? If so, where is that coming from? As I explored more deeply, I realized that this was an opportunity to revisit a book that I had been reading, “Recovering Your Inner Child.” Author Dr. Lucia Capacchione says, “Without awareness, we automatically repeat the kind of parenting we received as children…However, if we do not like the way we were parented, we do have a choice. We can change. We can re-parent ourselves…Recovery of your Inner Child is the way to begin anew and heal your life.” If you are intrigue to explore this topic more, I encourage you to:
“Healing happens when we open the door and invite the Inner Child to come out and be a part of our lives.” Dr. Capacchione  In a recent interview NASA astronaut Christina Koch shared a powerful reflection on what she learned about being part of a crew. Koch said, “A crew is a group that is in it all the time, no matter what, that is stroking together every minute with the same purpose, that is willing to sacrifice silently for each other, that gives grace, that holds accountable. A crew has the same cares and the same needs, and a crew is inescapably, beautifully, dutifully linked.” She concluded with, “I know I haven’t learned everything that this journey has yet to teach me. But there’s one new thing I know, and that is planet Earth: You are a crew.” Ok, what does this mean for you and me?
It seems to me that these are some of the key take-aways:
While these are great ideals, what we need to do is choose our next action step. Maybe it is to talk to and really listen to someone in our family or community that we have different ways of viewing life. Get curious and ask questions to understand why that person thinks that way. Find common ground--things that you both care about, like your grandkids, nieces, or nephews. Begin asking for help and advise. Find ways to connect with and meet new people. Look for ways to interact, engage with others, and get involved with your community. In the words of Margaret Mead, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Read this blogpost for more ideas: 5-keys-to-deeper-connection.html For some recommended books to support you: choose-growth6540845.html Link to the interview: youtu.be/59ccesBAOv0?si=D0aBZNoSnvobpyjC  Parenting and grandparenting for both attachment and authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about creating safety and space at the same time. Attachment gives your child security; authenticity gives them identity. When both are supported, your child feels, “I belong” and “I can be myself.” Let's explore how fostering both can be built into our daily routine.
1. Build connection first: Children thrive when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available. This means noticing feelings, responding with warmth, and repairing after conflict. When a child feels safe, they don’t have to sacrifice themselves to keep your love. They internalize: Even when I mess up or disagree, I’m still connected. 2. Separate behavior from identity: To protect authenticity, correct actions without shaming the child’s character. Instead of “You’re rude,” try “That comment hurt your sister — let’s try again.” This teaches accountability without implying their core self is flawed. When children feel their worth isn’t conditional on performance or agreement, they’re more likely to express their real thoughts and preferences. 3. Model and teach "Like Yourself First": The best way to teach through parenting is to model that same behavior to which we aspire. We cannot preach what we don’t practice. Notice your language and actions about who you are and how you show up. Suppose your child asks, “Do you think my teacher will like my shirt today?” Remind him/her that it was most important that they like her own shirt. Other people’s opinions of us cannot help to build or shatter our own opinions of ourselves. 4. Don’t force them: This can be challenging, especially when you know what needs to be done. Share your request, let them know the consequences, and then let your child decide what they will follow through on. This advice applies to situations like not wanting to eat what’s for lunch or wanting a cookie just before dinner. It might look like this (depending on the age of the child), "I see that you are upset that I said no to having a cookie. We will eat soon and there are some carrots for now and we can have a cookie after dinner." (This obviously does not apply to immediate physical safety concerns, like a toddler running into the road.) 5. Encourage emotional literacy: Help them name what they feel — even feelings that are inconvenient for you. “You’re angry I said no,” validates experience without giving in. When children learn that their inner world matters, they don’t need to distort it to stay connected. Emotional validation strengthens attachment while reinforcing authenticity. There are some great charts that can help kids and adults identify emotions and feelings. www.amazon.com/Teacher-Created-Resources-Colorful-Emotions/dp/B09B231SQC www.amazon.com/Feelings-Therapy-Diameter-Emotion-Upgrade/dp/B0DR362TP2 6. Listen, don’t argue: If you argue with your child, you give power to their position. You engage in stubbornness, which will just take you through a stressful experience. Listen to what your child has to say, without defending or refuting. This is also good advice for spouses and friends. 7. Welcome differences — don’t personalize them: Authenticity grows when kids can safely disagree. If your child has different interests, beliefs, or emotional reactions than you, treat that as development, not defiance. You might say, “I see it differently, but I’m glad you told me.” This protects attachment while signaling that individuality won’t threaten the relationship. The message becomes: We can stay close even when we’re not the same. 8. Give them options: Stubbornness often arises in times of life when children are developing more autonomy. They need choices. They need to know they have power to act in their own lives. So, give them the chance to choose. The choices can even be narrow, depending on the situation: “You can do this in 5 minutes or 10, which one do you prefer?” 9. Model authenticity yourself. Children learn more from observation than instruction. If you admit mistakes, express your feelings appropriately, and set boundaries respectfully, you show them that being real and being loving are not opposites. You demonstrate that connection does not require losing oneself. In short:
The sweet spot in parenting and grandparenting is communicating both, repeatedly. When a child trusts that love is steady, they’re free to grow into who they truly are — and they won’t have to choose between belonging and being themselves.  The Tug-of-War Between Us & We: We all live in this quiet, constant tension between two of our deepest needs: attachment or connection and authenticity. On one hand, we are wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, we look to others for safety and belonging. On the other hand, we have an internal compass—that gut feeling that tells us who we really are and what we actually value. While one side pulls us toward others, the other pulls us toward ourselves.
When Love Gives You Wings: When you feel truly secure in a relationship, these two forces actually work together. Think of it as having a "home base." When you know that your partner, friend, or parent has your back no matter what, you feel braver. You don’t have to "perform" or hide the messy parts of your personality because you aren't afraid they'll leave if you show your true colors. In these healthy spaces, being close to someone actually helps you grow into more of who you are, not less. The Cost of Playing a Part: But when we feel "shaky" or insecure, authenticity is usually the first thing we sacrifice. It’s a survival instinct:
The Big Picture: Healthy love shouldn't feel like a cage where you have to shrink yourself to fit. And being your true self shouldn't mean you have to walk alone. The goal isn't to choose one over the other; it’s to find that sweet spot where you stay connected not because you’re hiding, but because you’re finally being seen. Which side of this tug-of-war do you find yourself leaning toward more often—sacrificing your "truth" to stay close, or keeping your distance to stay "you"? Join me on Saturday, April 18, 10 am PT/1 pm ET for Self-Care Isn't Selfish to discover how to strike a more healthy balance in your life with some practical exercises that will get you started. Register here to get the zoom link: tinyurl.com/April-18-Self-Care Below is an exercise to get you started. And look for next week's blog about applying this topic to parenting. Parenting for both attachment and authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about creating safety and space at the same time. Learn to Say “And” Instead of “Or”. Instead of saying: • “If I’m honest, they’ll leave.” • “If I stay connected, I can’t be fully me.” Practice saying: • “I can be honest and kind.” • “I can disagree and stay connected.” • “I can need space and care about you.” Try out this cognitive shift this week to reduce the false binary between attachment and authenticity. |