 A student visited a famous Zen master and asked for guidance about living a life centered on Buddhism. The master began to discuss several topics: emptiness, mindfulness and meditation. But the student interrupted the master, saying, “Oh, I already know that.” Then the master invited the student to have some tea. He began pouring the tea into a teacup, filling it to the brim, spilling tea over the sides of the cup and onto the table. The student exclaimed, “Stop! You can’t pour tea into a full cup" to which the master replied, “Exactly, return to me when your cup is empty.”
If we think about our own lives, we can probably realize that our creativity and thinking abilities are relatively low, making us less open to new ways of looking at a situation or discovering new possible opportunities or solutions. After all, so much of adult life is about structure, coming up with concrete solutions to problems, and thinking in more black-and-white terms. We tend to lose more of that out-of-the-box thinking the older we get. Perhaps our teacup is filled with facts, thoughts and opinons that we have come to expect and accept. Divergent thinking is a type of creative process where several solutions and ideas are offered to address a challenge. This way of thinking can help increase creativity and innovation in problem-solving. Understanding how this thinking strategy works can also help us more successfully implement it at work, school, in our families and life. The opposite of divergent thinking is convergent thinking. If divergent thinking is all about coming up with creative solutions to a particular problem, convergent thinking is about evaluating a problem and coming up with a single correct answer. To be successful in life, we need both kinds of thinking. The challenge is that young children engage in creative thinking to a very high degree. In their early years, imaginative play is the dominant type of play they engage in--98% of kindergartners engage in “genius” levels of divergent thinking. But by the time they are 8-10 years old, research shows that number drops to about 50%. One way researchers evaluate divergent thinking in individuals is by the number of answers they give to questions like:
The good news is that we can cultivate divergent thinking in our children and ourselves. Some suggestions are:
The behavior of adolescents is often puzzling and upsetting for parents; they can be moody and uncommunicative. As parents and grandparents, we need to make peace with the reality that we cannot control our teenagers. We can, however, influence them and if our connection is strong, connecting and communication does happen. Adolescents have a difficult time to accept most things without questioning. It is the age of reasoning and thinking for themselves and we need to learn to not take it personally. It is an opportunity to have discussions, ask questions, listen to their answers and offer our own experiences and opinions in a respectful manner. The years from age 12 to 18 are the final passage before adulthood. During this stage, teenagers go through puberty with all of its rollercoaster of emotions, experience new levels of attraction to the opposite sex which can be both exciting and confusing, and are still discovering their ever-evolving identity. They are learning how to share their thoughts and desires in a deeper way and developing the foundation for a future intimate relationship with a committed partner. Nurturing the capacity for emotional intimacy is a family matter. Children learn to share their thoughts and feelings by doing it in their family and seeing it modeled for them by loving parents. Learning to trust and be trusted involves safety. It is important that there is the family culture creates a feeling of safety and that parents are aware of and address belittling, putdowns and other negative forms of sibling interaction. Use family meetings to work on ways of connecting and communicating: the-power-of-weekly-family-time.html If the connection is strong with their parents, adolescence can be a rewarding time for the family. A teenager is able of caring about the interests and concerns of their parents, siblings and others as well as having meaningful conversations about what is happening in the world around them and their ideas about their future. What they need from parents and grandparents:
A tool that my husband and I learned many years ago through a course entitled, "Growing Kids God's Way" is called Couch Time. Illustrated in the image below, it simply involves showing that your relationship is a priority, ideally in the presence of your kids. This isn't a time to talk about what they did wrong that day, when to get the car serviced or what to do this weekend. It is about being present and demonstrating your care and support for each other. Research shows that children's greatest sense of security comes when they are secure in the knowledge that their parents respect and love each other.   Between age 7 and 12 years old, your child begins to spend a great deal of time in relationship with others, outside of the parents’ control. This can be a source of uneasiness for parents. The child interacts with new relationships and environments with all their challenges and the impulses they call forth. Your child's ability to handle these new experiences isn't not because you are there with your child to help them navigate but because they have internalized what you have taught them. They are developing an inner moral compass that will serve them throughout their whole life.
Inside each child is the impulse to do will best helps them to become an adult. This is a part of each of our nature--part of God’s plan. There is an inner drive to attach and separate and reattach, explore and differentiate and develop their own identity. This happens with siblings, peers, friends and unlike much of the parent--child dynamic, this is a two-way relationship. They are asking themselves, “How do I fit in?” and “Who do I like to be with?” Up until now, the child has been focused on survival, self-development, and achieving personal power. The previous stage helped them to develop a sense of themselves relating to their parents and siblings. Now they begin the task of reorienting themselves to a larger world, they begin to make room in their lives for other people besides family. Usually during this stage, the child learns how to form successful friendships with same-sex peers and learns to care about the feelings of others. What they need:
FAMILY TOOL: Family meetings create opportunities to build relationships, solve problems and having the whole family engaged in the process of cooperating together. The purpose of the family meeting is three-fold.
Meeting together once a week with a family calendar helps to create the necessary structure needed for harmonious living and it communicates that your family is a priority. Discover more about how to host your first family meeting or enhance your current one here: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority  The Stage of Competence sees the child eager to develop new skills and discover more about themselves and what they are capable of. They begin to compare themselves to others, recognizing similarities and differences: Dad is stronger, a friend is taller, another friend runs faster, etc. They are ready to see what impact they can have on the world. They are able to begin to take risks and recover from loss or failure although the primary goal is winning. They have a strong sense of ownership—my toy, my dad, etc. This is the age of preschool and kindergarten when they are ready for “real learning.” From birth through age seven, the development stages lay the foundation for a healthy life:
The security that the child develops through strong connections with family and the confidence to explore helps them get ready to meet the world. It is preparing them to try new tasks, take risks, face the unknown, handle possible failures, deal with crises and learn to ask for help. Integration of these four stages gives the foundation for future success in relationships and school, work and social environments. What 4 to 7 year olds need from parents:
A tool that supports your child during this stage of development is Share the Thinking. Give your child the opportunity to have to think about how to solve a problem. Ask guiding questions and give them practice at making choices, solving problems and learning from mistakes. As a parent, watch your tendency to step in too quickly to fix something. Asking guiding questions instead of telling a child what to do empowers the child, creates cooperation instead of resistance and develops self-efficacy and ownership. See the example below of how a mom uses this tool with her four year old son Alex. Mom: “Alex, honey. You still have your slippers on and we have to go to school. The car leaves in 5 minutes.” Alex: “I like my Mickey Mouse slippers, Mama. I want to wear them to school.” Mom: “I know you like them, Sweetie.” “How do you think your slippers will work in the classroom.” Alex: "Great." Mom: "How do you think they'll work when you go outside for recess?" Alex: (He thinks for a bit and his mom is quiet, not saying a word, giving Alex time to think.) "I gotta change into my tennis shoes, Mama. But can I pack my slippers in my backpack?" Mom: "Sure honey. The car leaves in four minutes.   The Stage of Identity covers the ages from 3 to 4 years old and this child is seeking answers to the question, “Who am I in relationship to others and the world?” As with the Stage of Exploration www.coachmyrna.org/blog/stage-of-exploration-18-months-to-3-years, this comes on the foundation of a strong attachment to the parent. Your child wants to know that you are nearby but there is a strong need to explore the world. They are embarking on the journey to become their own distinct self. “I am discovering that I can be me and keep my connection with you at the same time.” It is important to recognize that they are trying on identities now which are not forecasting what they will be in the future. Examples of this are when your son wants to wear dress-up clothes—frilly dress and high heels. Or your young daughter wants to wear hardhat and obsessed with forklifts and backhoes. These are just examples of experimenting and discovering like when they announce that today they are a fairy princess, spiderman, or another superhero. What parents need to know about this stage:
An excellent tool that works well with this age child is Share the Control:
  With a secure attachment and connection to parents, the child’s energy turns to exploring the world around them. This stage is all about answering the questions, “Who are you?” and “What is this?” An important developmental part of this stage is learning that they are a distinct being, separate from their parents.
The ability for the child to take this step is rooted in the strong bond the child has already established with their parents. Throughout our lives, connection and attachment are essential elements for happiness. We never outgrow the need to belong. Many label this stage as "the terrible twos" and sometimes parents see it as the age of aggression or the era of NO! For the young child, this is an essential stage to establish themselves and their own power. Child begins a love affair with the world, emerging from the protective parents’ cocoon eager to explore and discover all that is around them. It is a time of balance for the parent--letting them go but not too much. Boundaries need to be set, both to protect the child from any physical harm and to increase the comfort of the parent. As with any stage, if the parent finds that they have a strong react to their child's compulsion to explore, it may be that they have some wounding around their own exploration stage and now, have the opportunity to discover and healing along with their child. What the child needs:
If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.  Newborns give their parents a gift--the opportunity to give unconditionally. This experience is transforming, and we are able to put aside our own needs for the sake of our child. We can grow beyond our own self-involvement and self-centeredness. Babies come packaged in a way to invite us to protect and nurture them. They are in the process of self-creation and parents have the opportunity to be co-creators and partners with them as they develop their brain, senses and discover the world. During this one and one-half years, the most important thing that the parent can do for their child is to be reliably available and embracing. This means to meet their physical needs--keeping them warm, dry, fed and safe. It also means to meet the emotional needs of the child. The parent speaks in a soft, comforting voice, smiles a lot and communicates to the child that they are do not need to be afraid--they are in the presence of a safe, nurturing person. What parents need to know about the attachment stage:
It is during these important first stage of attachment that the trust cycle is established (see the diagram below.) The child expresses a basic need by crying or fussing. The need of being feed, changed, burped or held is fulfilled by the parent. When this happens consistently, over and over again, trust is established. When we understand the significance that this process of attachment and the establishment of trust has on who the child will become, we are awakened to being conscious parents. We can be profoundly moved by our role in this. It can also feel overwhelming, causing us to feel inadequate at times. It is important to have the support of family members and friends and ask for their help. If you find yourself reacting strongly to your child's dependence on you, you may have been wounded yourself at this stage--not receiving the support and care that you needed. All parents are challenged with their children at the stages in parenting when they were wounded themselves. Instead of being overcome with stress or frustration, we can see this as another gift our child has given us--the chance to be awakened to the need of our own healing. If you would like some support in your parenting, consider registering for my next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2. It will be a nurturing group of other parents growing together with my support as facilitator: 7 Gifts Webinar.   A musician was approached by a fifty-year old man, asking him if he could teach him to play the trombone. The musician replied, "Sure." Then the man asked, "How long will it take?" and the musician replied that he could teach almost anyone to play in five years’ time. Startled, the man replied that he would be fifty-five years old by then. The musician replied, “Yes, you will. And how old will you be in five years if you don’t learn how to play the trombone?"
If we apply this to our role as parents, it can seem like a long journey to become the kind of parent that we want to be and that our children deserve. The reality is we cannot change what we haven't done or what we regret about our parenting choices from yesterday or last year. We cannot change the past but we can take all that we have discovered and impact the future with our children and grandchildren. During Covid, when I was writing my book, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak spoke of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us. Deepak shared an analogy: Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book. As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child. I like the definition of parenthood that I read recently: A sacred relationship that can preserve the wholeness of the child and heal the childhood wounds of the parents. If we look at the emotions that children evoke in us as awakenings or uncovering things that I need to pay attention to, this gives me an opportunity to recognize and begin to address things that I probably already had a hint about. This allows me to see what is lurking in the shadow part of me. I have a choice. I can choose to let it overtake me and ruin my next patch of life, or I can choose to look at it straight on and see it with all its fear, untruths, and destabilizing qualities. I can let it remind me that I have work to do, we can reframe, rename, and redefine how we experience our own healing as we love and attend to our children. Over the next weeks. I will be discussing the various stages of development that children grow through and what they need from us as their parents:
Regardless of their age, the most important thing that our children and grandchildren need is a connection of heart and relationship with us as well as seeing that we are continuing to learn and grow in our relationship with them. I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. No matter what mistakes we made in the past, begin anew today. If you would like some support in your parenting, check out the next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2: 7 Gifts Webinar.  There is a story of a young priest making his rounds at a local hospital. He came into the room of a woman who looked frail and clearly near the end of her earthly life. The priest asked if he could sit down and inquired how she was doing. She replied, "I've made a mess of life and the relationships with my husband and daughter. There's no hope for me--I'm going to hell."
Sitting in silence for a few moments, the priest noticed a framed picture on the nightstand of a beautiful young woman." Picking up the picture frame, he asked, "Who is she?" Smiling a little, the woman replied, "That is my daughter; she is the one beautiful thing in my life." The priest said, "And would you help her if she was in trouble or made a mistake? Would you forgive her? And would you still love her?" The woman cried, "Of course, I would! I would do anything for her. She will always be precious and wonderful to me. Why do you ask such a question?" "Because I want you to know that God has a picture of you as well," answered the priest. Through his message of unconditional forgiveness and love, the priest was giving back to this woman her ability to connect with her own goodness. I believe that worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites—love, belonging and being worthy are each of our birthrights. Being reminded of our goodness in spite of our mistakes can help us begin to reconnect to our own intrinsic divinity and what we have to offer. Feeling forgiven is the way to open our hearts and begin to ask forgiveness from those that we have caused pain. One way that helps me remember this is to have a mantra that I say to myself, especially when I am feeling less than lovable. My recent one is, "I am seeing and loving myself and others from God's point of view." If it feels challenging to say something positive about how you are right now, maybe begin with, "I am becoming the person I want to be. I work toward honesty and authenticity." Come up with your own phrase--google Mantras for Worthiness or Self-Love or Forgiveness. Or create your own saying. Keep it short and write it on an index card or post-it, putting it somewhere that you will be reminded regularly. For years, I had one on my bathroom mirror that I saw first thing in the morning while brushing my teeth. An excellent book that I read recently is "Unconditional Forgiveness--A Simple and Proven Method to Forgive Everyone and Everything," by Mary Hayes Grieco. With many stories and clear steps to follow, she addresses self-forgiveness as well as forgiving others, evil and even God. I highly recommend the book. www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Forgiveness-Forgive-Everyone-Everything/dp/1582702993/  Albert Einstein said, "He who can no longer pauses to wonder and stand wrapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." We live in trying times and it takes intention and presence to notice all that is amazing and wonderful in the people and nature surrounding us.
Almost every day, it seems that we can find evidence of how annoying, inconvenient, and inconsiderate people and situations can be. Travel gets interrupted because of weather. Your commute to work is stressful because of people driving recklessly, the person ahead of you in line at the checkout counter is exchanging items and asking too many questions, your spouse forgets to pick up something at the store, there is that person in the grocery store talking on their phone on speaker, your child tells you the night before that they need to bring something for a school project or a bake sale—the list can go on and on. It is easy to take the nature that surrounds for granted--the colors of the leaves in the fall, the beautiful flowers blooming in our neighbors yard or the incredible colors painted across the sky at sunset. We also forget that people are impressive, amazing individuals created in the image of God. Pearl Bailey, actress, singer and author said that people see God every day, they just don’t recognize him. If you haven't seen the entertaining short video, "Eating Twinkies With God," watch and share it with your family. www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9N8OXkN0Rk&t=5s Recently, I watched the movie, "My Octopus Teacher" about Craig Foster, a nature documentary filmmaker, naturalist and founder of Sea Change Project. This project is a community of scientists, storytellers, journalists and filmmakers who are dedicated to the ocean. Their work is motivating scientists, policymakers, and individuals to engage meaningfully with nature and protect our oceans. For Craig Foster, the ocean and one particular octopus changed his life. He went to the ocean originally because he was overwhelmed and stressed out. He went every day, swimming without a wetsuit or oxygen tank because he felt it would be a barrier to interacting with the ocean life and he discovered an amazing world underwater with a unique and curious octopus that befriended him. The movie is both a gorgeous wildlife documentary and a moving tale of how a man in crisis found joy, wonder and purpose through immersion in nature and a remarkable relationship with an octopus. I highly recommend this movie as a great family watch. Awe is the feeling we get when something moves us, maybe it stops us in our tracks and enables us to feel truly alive. Research shows that awe and wonder can decrease stress and anxiety and increase positive emotions and overall satisfaction in our life. The practice of wonder can engender greater compassion for others, build brain health, a sense of more expansive time, and the recognition that there are greater forces at work within the universe. It also helps us to feel greater support and increases the likelihood that we will help others. |
