 Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth, a graduate student at the University of Pennsylvania, worked with Dr. Seligman. In her application to the program, Ms. Duckworth stated that she had done extensive teaching and volunteering in public schools, summer programs, and universities. What she found was that what was needed to improve education was not the schools but the students themselves. Dr. Duckworth and her team went on to prove that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople, and teachers who not only stick with but improve in their performance, is grit.
In her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she defines grit as a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals, even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades. Dr. Duckworth and her team created a test called the Grit Scale, and they discovered that a person’s grit score can predict their achievement in difficult situations, and that grit is a greater predictor of success in life than intelligence, family background and income, and grades in school. The exciting news for all parents is that grit can be cultivated in ourselves and our children. Dr. Duckworth is the founder and CEO of Character Lab characterlab.org/ where parents and teachers can find actionable advice based on science. On the website, you can find out where you are on the grit scale. Or you can sign up to get sixty second “Tips of the Week” on everything from “How to Benefit from Boredom” to “The Soul of Empathy.” There are playbooks on assorted topics. The one on grit gives the following tips on how to encourage grit in others--my children, family, co-workers and friends:
If you enjoyed this article, check out last week's post--how-to-cultivate-resilience.html--and consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  Did you know that Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman discovered that children need to fail in order to succeed? In fact, it can help them figure out how to succeed next time. He discovered that until the early 1960s, achievement was the most important goal that parents sought to instill in their children. But from the later 1960s until the present, the focus of schools and parents has shifted to building up self-esteem.
Despite the increased focus on self-esteem over the past decades, depression in children has continued to grow, now affecting a quarter of all kids today. To combat this trend, Dr. Seligman began the Penn Depression Prevention Project, the first long-term study aimed at children ages eight through twelve. His findings were revolutionary, proving that children can be protected against depression by being taught how to challenge their pessimistic thoughts. His book The Optimistic Child offers parents and teachers the tools developed in this study to teach children of all ages life skills that transform helplessness into proficiency and bolster self-esteem. Dr. Seligman says that to develop resilience, children need to develop optimism. This involves changing one’s belief from “I can’t” to “I can.” Parents can support this transformation by creating an environment where it is safe to try and fail, as well as helping their child discover the gifts that come from failure: the opportunity to evaluate, the motivation to try harder, the chance to be creative, and the development of maturity. This helps our child develop a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset, putting the emphasis on the steps the child took to reach the end result. By focusing on process, it shows that getting stuck, asking for help, and trying new strategies are an important part of the process. How we respond to our child can result in their feelings of helplessness or sense of accomplishment. How we respond to our child’s hurtful words or actions can impact their resilience. Suppose I take my children on an outing to the zoo, and my daughter is teasing her brother. She says, “You know that you are adopted, right? Daddy is not your real dad. Your dad is a gorilla. You had better behave today because right next to the zoo is the prison, and if you do anything wrong, you will get sent there for the rest of your life.” Of course, as the parent, I need to step in and say something. But imagine the impact of two vastly different parental responses to the daughter.
The first response attacks the child’s character and does not give them a way to recover. Speaking in this manner can create a feeling of shame— “I am a bad person.” The second response begins with her good qualities and states clearly that today, she is doing something unacceptable. It allows her to feel the guilt—that she has done something wrong—and gives her a chance to correct her behavior. When a child knows that it is safe to make mistakes or to mess up sometimes, their performance often improves. The knowledge that they have a safe place to try and keep trying until they succeed gives them confidence. We can see an example of this in the building of the Golden Gate Bridge. In 1933, the work was falling behind the targeted deadlines. One of the crew members had fallen to his death, causing everyone to work more slowly out of fear for their own lives. Although reluctant due to the time crunch, the supervisor took the advice of one of the workers to hoist a safety net into place. Suddenly, the men began to work more quickly and efficiently, and the bridge was soon completed. What was it that enabled them to work faster and better? It was the removal of the fear of failure. When we create an environment in our home that shows that it is safe to fail and that our child is supported in finding a way to try again, resiliency is fostered. If you enjoyed this short excerpt from "The Gift of Resilience", consider purchasing my book. Find out more here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  The Asaro ethnic group in Indonesia and Papua New Guinea has a beautiful saying: “Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the muscle.” Having knowledge about something is a great start but moving that knowledge into practice is when it comes alive. We can move what we are learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands with practice and experience.
During high school, I had struggled enormously with science classes. I could memorize the material for tests, but I couldn’t really understand it or explain it. Deep inside, I felt that I wasn’t smart enough—at least not in this area. I felt like a fraud—pretending to know something that I didn’t. I had a profound experience when I was 29 years old, having recently graduated from two years of seminary. I participated in an Ocean Challenge leadership program that involved fishing on the ocean in a 28-foot boat using handlines to catch tuna. After an initial training period, I became a boat captain. The first thing I had to do was to repair the engine which wasn’t working after being in storage over the winter. Since the engine needs to be in the ocean to start it, we attached a piece of plywood to the back end of the boat and labored to fix the engine without falling in. Through this experience of collaborating with a female mechanic, I discovered that I wasn’t dumb; I just needed the hands-on opportunity to move knowledge into practical experience. Learning about the roles that spark plugs and pistons play in bringing the engine to life was so liberating. That summer, I gained a great deal of confidence and I caught an 800 pound tuna with my crew--pictured above. In my book, "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future," I have included a chapter on The Gift of Experience because this is an essential part of our parenting role—giving our children the experiences of doing activities together as a family (creating memories) as well as opportunities to discovery, explore and experience moving knowledge into the heart, the body, and the present. The Gift of Experience covers many different areas. There are experiences together as a family—exploring or camping in nature, going on a memorable trip, or looking at creating special experiences around birthdays and other holidays. Our children need community experiences, activities, and organizations that support healthy challenges and collaboration—hiking clubs, sports, 4-H programs, choir, band, church youth groups, Big Brother-Big Sister programs, and more. For my boys, Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts provided amazing adventures that they could participate in together with their friends. They learned how to camp overnight in the snow, safely use a bow and arrow, as well as load and shoot a BB gun and shotgun. As our children approach the teen years, we might take some advice from Dr. Tim Elmore, international speaker, and best-selling author. He states that he has found six experiences that help foster authentic maturity as youth grow towards adulthood. They include supporting them to:
If you are already a grandparent, think about what kind of experiences you would like to have together with your grandkids. It has been said that one of the greatest legacies we leave our children and grandchildren is happy memories created by our experiences together. The best gifts are not things. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer, richer experiences.” Make experiences a part of your family traditions—start now so they don’t need to wait until 29 (or even older.) For more information on my book, click here: 7 Gifts to Give Your Child  When was the last time that you said to yourself, “Why is this happening to ME?” It could have been when your spouse forgot to pick-up the items need for dinner. Maybe it was when your young child spilt their drink for the third time that day or drew on the wall with a permanent marker AGAIN. Or you got into the car to go to an important meeting or appointment, and you realized your teenager or young adult had returned the family car on empty once again. Some months ago, I had such a moment at the gym. After swimming and sitting in the hot tub, I took off my swimsuit before taking a shower and hung it on a hook so that it wouldn’t drip everywhere. Coming out of the shower, I found my swimsuit sitting on top of the trash can! Someone had decided that they needed all four of the hooks in the shower area and had moved my swimsuit out of their way. I have to say that I overreacted, saw myself as a victim of this “horrible” injustice and said some less than kind words to the woman who had done this. Fortunately for me, I had just finished participating in a program, Radical Wholeness, which helped me reflect on and get some perspective on my response. I gained many things from this ten-week online course. But one of the presentations that struck me the most was “The Four Levels or Stages of Consciousness.” Based on concepts by Michael Beckwith, Spiritual Director of Agape International Spiritual Center, the founders of WholeHearted—Heather Thalheimer, David Young and Sarah Oben—incorporated “Levels of Consciousness” into their program Radical Wholeness. I have summarized my understanding of these four stages below. The key is to begin with awareness of where I am in a particular area of my life, to accept and love myself at the place I am at, and to allow acceptance, love, and patience to guide me in making progress. (See a diagram of the four stages below.) To Me: At this stage, we experience life as happening to us. We may feel like a victim, things are other people's fault. We blame others or ourselves but feel that we are powerless to change what is happening. To shift to the next stage--By Me--we must let go of blaming others and seek to take ownership of the situation. By Me: This is a building stage. We can learn new skills and see results from our efforts. We look at a situation and ask ourselves, “How can I change this?” We begin to realize that I have something to do with the problem, so I have the power to solve it. Problems can now be seen as opportunities. It can be challenging work, but we can be successful. We may not experience great happiness or peacefulness at this stage. To move to the Through Me stage, we must let go of control and surrender and recognize that we need others as well as God/Higher Power. Through Me: This stage is one of recognizing that there is something greater than myself that wants to flow through me. Surrendering to needing others, needing God helps us to relax and open to possibilities and our own creativity. We can become co-creators in our life. A sense of trust and connectedness occurs. To move to the next level, we need humility to experience being connected to all of life. As Me: This level is experiencing that we are at once a unique individual and at the same time, part of a greater whole. Through this awareness, we experience fusion between the individual and the whole--we cannot ignore the wellbeing of another because we are one. It is important to understand that growth through these stages is not linear, moving from one to the next sequentially. Instead, we move in and out of the various levels. In different areas of our lives, we could experience two or more of these stages in the same day. If this article piques your interest, I invite you to check out Radical Wholeness, a ten-week online Journey. I have included some information below about the course. Registration for the Fall program is now open at beingwholehearted.com. The group meets Wednesdays, September 7 – November 16, 8-10 pm EST. Through Radical Wholeness You Will: • Discover a new way to love yourself. • Experience wholeness through becoming aware of the ways you have separated from yourself, others, and your environment. • Gain learnable, usable, and sustainable practices to experience a new and more satisfying way of living. • Meet other people who want to be part of a heart-centered community.   Recently, I was reading a book about the bones in our body with my granddaughter. I was reminded that the smallest bones in our bodies are in our ears. There are three small but extremely important bones in our middle ear--the hammer, the anvil, and the stirrup. These bones transmit sound vibrations from the air to the fluid in the inner ear, fulfilling their role in helping us to hear.
I remember hearing as a child that God gave us two ears and only one mouth because we are to listen more than we speak. Taking it a step further, Stephen Covey has said that the biggest communication problem we have is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply or respond. When we are just waiting for our turn to share our opinion or argue our point of view, we are not listening to really see, understand, and accept the other person. Having a conversation is meant to be a shared exchange. In fact, the "con" in conversation means "with." When I am speaking and listening to my spouse, child, or a friend, I am engaging with them. To do this involves paying attention and being present. I cannot be looking at something on my phone or laptop or reading a book or magazine. Listening to understand means I must not only hear the words but also see the non-verbal (body language) and try to sense the emotions that are behind the words. When we shift to listening to understand, this is where compassion, love and empathy become a part of the conversation and when connection truly happens. Did you know that research shows that we typically remember only about 25% of what we hear? Using the acronym HLUA, here are some tips to support us to become better listeners.
Here are some games/activities that you can do as a family to enhance your listening skills:
For more on creating connection in our relationships (the space between), check these blogs: https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/the-power-of-connection https://www.coachmyrna.org/blog/steps-to-cultivating-family-communication-and-connection-the-space-between  More than half of the 40,000 people who participated in the BBC’s Touch Test in January 2020, a survey conducted in 112 countries, said that they did not receive enough physical interaction—an arm around the shoulder, a sympathetic touch, or a long hug. And this was before COVID-related lockdowns had taken effect. This condition now has an official name: touch starvation.
It has been said that the sense of touch can be up to ten times stronger than our other senses. Some may think that touch starvation sounds too “touchy-feely.” But there is strong science that backs the biological need in all of us. Dr. Lina Velikova, a researcher in Bulgaria says that touch and cuddling increases our levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. These very hormones effect our sleep, cardiovascular system and even our mental state. Dr. Velikova says, “Cuddling activates our parasympathetic nervous system, bringing feelings of calm and ease while settling feelings of anxiety and sadness.” Since blood pressure is often linked to stress, reducing stress is helpful to lower blood pressure. In addition, oxytocin has a protective effect on the heart. Most of us do not realize how essential physical touch is in communicating our care and love to our family members. Part of the power of touch is that it does not involve any words. Body language is more genuine and harder to fake. Giving a hug implicitly communicates trust and safety in ways that we cannot speak. The science also tells us that there is actual power connected to touch. People who get regular hugs are less likely to get colds. Reaching for someone’s hand or holding them close can reduce physical pain. It also supports better sleep and digestion. Think for a moment how often you touched or hugged your family members in the past week. Of course, not everyone appreciates a bear hug, so we need to be sensitive to the needs of others. Perhaps a gentle pat on the hand or arm accompanied by some loving words are what will be appreciated. Or maybe it is a back, head or even a foot rub. Offer to help apply lotion on someone’s overworked hands. There is even a National Hugging Day created in 1986 by Kevin Zaborney. The next one will be on January 21, 2023. You can find out more about it here: nationaltoday.com/national-hugging-day/ But don't wait until then. I challenge you to get practicing with your own family members and friends now. Think of all the benefits and be creative.  A young man asked an older, wiser man, "What will it take to become wise, and responsible, and satisfied in life?" The older man, (who was wise, and responsible, and satisfied) smiled and said, "Two words: good decisions." "But how do I learn to make good decisions?" the young man asked. The older man said, "One word: experience." The young man pressed for details. "But how do I gain experience?" The older man replied, "Two words: bad decisions.”
This story is paraphrased from one that I read in Doing Life With Your Adult Children--Keep Your Mouth Shut & The Welcome Mat Out, by Jim Burns. I recommend this book for all parents who have adult children or those approaching adulthood. Parenting our children as they become young adults can be tricky. For the first 18 to 20 years of our child's life, our job is to love, teach and guide them. At times, we have given them unsolicited advice or even overrode their choices. Then comes the day when they are all grown up, ready to move out and live on their own. At this point, we must loosen our grip and begin a new level of relationship with them as young adults. If you are like me, this is not easy. Many of us have a tough time letting go of control. It is not that we butt in because we think they are incapable; it is because we are concerned about our child's welfare and think we are helping by sharing our experiences. The reality is that our concern often does not come across in this way. Our adult children feel like we are still treating them as children, and it expresses a lack of trust in their ability to navigate their lives. After all our loving and guiding, we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them as a necessary part of their ongoing growth process. As the story above indicates, we need to trust that experience is often a better teacher than the advice that we want to share. When we find ourselves tempted to give unsolicited advice, may I suggest that we stop and ask ourselves, "Does this really matter in the long run?" Remembering that our long-term goal is having a healthy and loving relationship with our adult children can help us avoid conflicts. With adult children, we need to understand that our role has shifted from a hands-on parent to being a mentor and a coach. All of us need the affirmation and encouragement that a mentor or coach provides. They do not push their own agenda or give lectures. Rather, by asking guiding questions and engaging in conversations, they offer support and understanding. I would like to leave you with this list from Jim Burn's book on how to tell the difference between a lecture and a conversation. You are giving a lecture when:
You know you are having a conversation when:
 Ever feel that your family is always on the go and that there is too little time for communication? Or perhaps the arguing, bickering and putdowns in your home seem overwhelming. Whatever the stage of your family's interactions, I would like to introduce you to the concept of the Space Between. As a Safe Conversations® facilitator, I teach a new definition of relationship which is two (or more) people and the space between them. What we put into that space--complaint and negativity or appreciation and understanding--greatly impacts the quality of our relationship with each other. To hear the founders of Safe Conversation®, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly-Hunt, explain more about the Space Between, watch this 6 minute video:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7pq1KI2KTw One area of communication that we are usually don't pay enough attention to is listening. Did you know that research shows that we only remember 25% or less of what another person is saying to us? If we are honest with ourselves, most of the time we listen to respond--that is to give our opinion, share our experience or disagree with what the other person has said. To bring empathy into the space between, we need to begin to listen to understand Want to improve your family’s communication? Start a new tradition in your home. Over a family meal or at a family meeting, say that you would really like to create more appreciation and kindness in the family. Explain the concept of the space between and how it impacts the way that the family interacts. Print out the list of conversation starters at the link below and cut them into strips. tinyurl.com/conversation-starters Select the ones that best fit your family (age of children, etc.) Fold them in half and put them in a jar or a container. Have someone pull out a question to begin. Everyone can answer the same question, or each person can draw out their own. Decide if you put the questions back in the jar or not. Use your creativity and start changing your family's culture. If you have never held a family meeting, refer to this previous blogpost: www.coachmyrna.org/blog/making-family-a-priority Another activity that works great for families for whom everyone is old enough to read and write begins by gathering everyone, giving them a piece of paper and a pen or pencil. Tell each family member to print their name in the middle of the paper. Then, tell everyone that this is an opportunity to express the things that they appreciate about each other. When everyone is ready, tell them to pass the paper to the right and begin. Each family member writes something that they appreciate about the person whose name is on the paper. Give enough time each round for each person to write--usually a minute is good. Having everyone work in silence is also a way to support the atmosphere; play some beautiful music in the background. Keep passing the papers until everyone gets their own paper back and has a chance to read over what has been written. If anyone wants to read theirs aloud or express what they feel after reading it, do so. This is a terrific opportunity to give a voice to that which often goes unspoken. Both of these activities can be adapted to be used with adult children and even grandchildren. Whether it is one-on-one or at the next family get-together, we have the opportunity to impact the space between.
In the book, “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul,” Dr. Stuart Brown explains that play is anything but trivial. It is a biological drive as integral to our health as sleep or nutrition. We are designed by nature to flourish through play.
Play explains why play is essential to our social skills, adaptability, intelligence, creativity, ability to problem solve and more. Particularly in tough times, we need to play more than ever, as it's the very means by which we prepare for the unexpected, search out new solutions, and remain optimistic. In fact, play just might be the most important work we can ever do. One point that Brown makes again and again is that true play requires a person to let go of pride and self-consciousness. A game of Twister would be horrible if everybody were concerned about what others thought of them. In short, play requires humility. Developing a humble spirit around others allows one to truly play with others- and since play is that which fosters creativity, a culture where humility is the rule is a far healthier culture, economically and socially. Play is the cornerstone of happiness and being a parent allows us the opportunity to play without getting weird looks when we let our silly sides to show. So, what is on your family’s play list? What fun do you have planned in the coming summer months that can engage the whole family? Use the next family-meeting to discuss this topic, if your family play list needs some work Have each member of the family answer the following three questions:
Next, figure out what types of play all of you share. Then, plan your family’s next play outing or activity. Need some ideas to get started? Check out this site: fun-family-activity-ideas-together  A few weeks ago, I was with my three- and one-half-year-old granddaughter--I have the privilege of spending time with her each week and giving her parents a break. It was a warm day and I had on shorts. She asked me, "Nan, what is that ouchy on your leg?"
Looking down at the permanent purplish mark on my leg that she was gently touching, I replied that it was from an injury from a long time ago that did not go away. Her concern was obvious as she asked me if it hurt, how did it happen and did I need a band-aid. Thinking about this conversation after I was back home, I realized that I do not remember how I got this permanent bruise--the medical term for it is an ecchymosis. It means that I got hit on the leg hard enough for it to bleed under the skin, leaving a permanent mark. I have, in fact, two of these on my right leg with no memory of how they happened. It made me think about how much I have no memory of in my life because I was focused on whatever task I was doing without really being present to those around me and even what I was experiencing. For the past seven years, I have been making effort to become more present to the moment. There are practices that I have discovered that help me develop self-awareness and presence in my daily life. About seven years, I began practicing yoga. Initially, I joined a yoga studio because it was within walking distance from my house, and I wanted to get exercise and develop more core strength. But I also realized that it helped me to stop my busyness and focus inward. I have a yoga mat in my office area to remind me to stop and spend some time practicing each day. Meditation is also something that I highly recommend. Meditation is a tool that combines awareness and mindfulness practices. It is known to reduce anxieties, body fat, chronic medical situations, depression, dementia, loneliness, and stress. It also improves one's attention span, sleep, positivity and overall peace of mind. There are numerous apps that make it easy to access a meditation whenever we want. Some that I use are Insight Timer, Tapping Solution, Mind Valley, and Headspace. These have both meditations for free and for a fee. Finding a meditation practice that you feel connected to is important. For some people, walking in nature with the intention of connecting to the beautiful surroundings is the best method. Taking moments out of your day to simple close your eyes and take deep breaths reduces stress and helps to reconnect with your inner self. Another possibility is to take time at the beginning or the end of the day to reflect, meditate and journal. Qigong is form of moving meditation with many health benefits. One that I have practiced is Wisdom Healing Qigong: www.youtube.com/c/MingtongGu but you can search for practices online and in your own community. If you think that meditation isn’t for you, check out this article that gives even more ideas and options. tinyurl.com/5d5x7vnh Try out different methods of bringing more awareness and presence into your life to find the ones that resonate the most with you. Currently, I am combining gardening with my meditative practices. I used to buy plants for my back patio and forget to water them. Now, I am actively working to create a beautiful space where I can relax, meditate, breath and enjoy the fragrant flowers and the vibrant hummingbirds. How well my garden is doing is my litmus test for how I am doing with including presence and self-awareness in my own life. |
