A musician was approached by a fifty-year old man, asking him if he could teach him to play the trombone. The musician replied, "Sure." Then the man asked, "How long will it take?" and the musician replied that he could teach almost anyone to play in five years’ time. Startled, the man replied that he would be fifty-five years old by then. The musician replied, “Yes, you will. And how old will you be in five years if you don’t learn how to play the trombone?"

If we apply this to our role as parents, it can seem like a long journey to become the kind of parent that we want to be and that our children deserve. The reality is we cannot change what we haven't done or what we regret about our parenting choices from yesterday or last year. We cannot change the past but we can take all that we have discovered and impact the future with our children and grandchildren.

During Covid, when I was writing my book, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak spoke of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us.

Deepak shared an analogy:
Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book.

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child.

I like the definition of parenthood that I read recently: A sacred relationship that can preserve the wholeness of the child and heal the childhood wounds of the parents. If we look at the emotions that children evoke in us as awakenings or uncovering things that I need to pay attention to, this gives me an opportunity to recognize and begin to address things that I probably already had a hint about. This allows me to see what is lurking in the shadow part of me.

I have a choice. I can choose to let it overtake me and ruin my next patch of life, or I can choose to look at it straight on and see it with all its fear, untruths, and destabilizing qualities. I can let it remind me that I have work to do, we can reframe, rename, and redefine how we experience our own healing as we love and attend to our children.

Over the next weeks. I will be discussing the various stages of development that children grow through and what they need from us as their parents:

• Stage of Attachment--birth to 18 months
• Stage of Exploration--18 months to 3 years
• Stage of Identity--3-4 years
• Stage of Competence--4-7 years
• Stage of Concern--7-12 years
• Stage of Intimacy--12-18 years
• Stage of Independence--18 + years

Regardless of their age, the most important thing that our children and grandchildren need is a connection of heart and relationship with us as well as seeing that we are continuing to learn and grow in our relationship with them. I believe that the parent-child connection is the core relationship that rules the world. If it is strong and solid, we have healthy men and women. If it is broken and fragmented, we have a wounded world. No matter what mistakes we made in the past, begin anew today.

If you would like some support in your parenting, check out the next parenting small group online that I will be offering on Thursday evenings beginning March 2: 7 Gifts Webinar.

Albert Einstein said, "He who can no longer pauses to wonder and stand wrapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." We live in trying times and it takes intention and presence to notice all that is amazing and wonderful in the people and nature surrounding us.

Almost every day, it seems that we can find evidence of how annoying, inconvenient, and inconsiderate people and situations can be. Travel gets interrupted because of weather. Your commute to work is stressful because of people driving recklessly, the person ahead of you in line at the checkout counter is exchanging items and asking too many questions, your spouse forgets to pick up something at the store, there is that person in the grocery store talking on their phone on speaker, your child tells you the night before that they need to bring something for a school project or a bake sale—the list can go on and on.

​It is easy to take the nature that surrounds for granted--the colors of the leaves in the fall, the beautiful flowers blooming in our neighbors yard or the incredible colors painted across the sky at sunset. We also forget that people are impressive, amazing individuals created in the image of God. Pearl Bailey, actress, singer and author said that people see God every day, they just don’t recognize him. If you haven't seen the  entertaining short video, "Eating Twinkies With God," watch and share it with your family. www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9N8OXkN0Rk&t=5s

Recently, I watched the movie, "My Octopus Teacher" about Craig Foster, a nature documentary filmmaker, naturalist and founder of Sea Change Project. This project is a community of scientists, storytellers, journalists and filmmakers who are dedicated to the ocean. Their work is motivating scientists, policymakers, and individuals to engage meaningfully with nature and protect our oceans.

For Craig Foster, the ocean and one particular octopus changed his life. He went to the ocean originally because he was overwhelmed and stressed out. He went every day, swimming without a wetsuit or oxygen tank because he felt it would be a barrier to interacting with the ocean life and he discovered an amazing world underwater with a unique and curious octopus that befriended him. The movie is both a gorgeous wildlife documentary and a moving tale of how a man in crisis found joy, wonder and purpose through immersion in nature and a remarkable relationship with an octopus. I highly recommend this movie as a great family watch.

Awe is the feeling we get when something moves us, maybe it stops us in our tracks and enables us to feel truly alive. Research shows that awe and wonder can decrease stress and anxiety and increase positive emotions and overall satisfaction in our life. The practice of wonder can engender greater compassion for others, build brain health, a sense of more expansive time, and the recognition that there are greater forces at work within the universe. It also helps us to feel greater support and increases the likelihood that we will help others.

Last week, I had the privilege of attending an Eagle Court of Honor for six boys who had earned their rank of Eagle. This is the highest accomplishment in Boy Scouts that involves a substantial project that benefits an organization outside of Boy Scouts of America and it requires the boy to find support and financing for the project as well as lead others in completing the project. The six boys who were honored had the unique challenge of completing all of the requirements during Covid when their troop wasn't meeting regularly. At the court of honor, each boy spoke about the support they received from their leaders, parents and others in the greater community. The picture above shows the six boys and their leaders plus the mayor of San Leandro who attended the ceremony on his first day in office.

I would like to share an excerpt from my book "7 Gifts to Give Your Child--Parenting That Will Touch Their Future" from the chapter on The Gift of Experiences. My three sons had great experiences in Boy Scouts, and all achieved the rank of Eagle. However, there are many other opportunities for our children to grow in community and I share some such ideas below.

We need to help our child connect with experiences, activities, and organizations that support healthy challenges and collaboration—hiking clubs, sports, 4-H programs, choir, band, church youth groups, Big Brother-Big Sister programs, and more. For my boys, Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts provided amazing adventures that they could participate in together with their friends. They learned how to safely use a bow and arrow, as well as load and shoot a BB gun and shotgun.

There were built-in safety rules, merit badges to teach skills, and consequences when the rules weren’t followed. I remember one of them coming home with a corner cut off his “Totin’ Chip” card, which shows that they have demonstrated knowledge of and proper handling, care, and use of the pocketknife. The cut off corner is a warning that they weren’t using the pocketknife safely. If all four corners are cut off, they lose the privilege of carrying a pocketknife and must earn that card again.

Each summer at scout camp, they learned to tie knots, climb a rock wall, operate a sailboat, cook over a gas stove, and make delicious desserts in a Dutch oven. As they got older, they participated in backpacking outings, white water rafting, and camping in the snow. Scouting gave them a safe environment to learn from failures, make affordable mistakes, experience teamwork, and gain many life skills. It was also an opportunity to interact with other adults besides their own parents, and gain confidence in asking for help or sharing ideas. In addition, it gave them a community within which to be challenged, supported, corrected, and guided.

There is a Papua New Guinea proverb that says, “Knowledge is only a rumor until it is in the muscle.” In scouting, my sons helped to plan and execute the activities. Leadership was learned through teaching and mentoring others. When children can grow through experiences, the lessons learned become a part of them. The best leaders are hummingbird adults who only step in when they need to.

I helped to start a Venturing program as part of our church youth ministry. Venturing is part of Boy Scouts, but it is coed for high school and college age. It is designed to be youth-led, and my role was that of advisor. We had a planning meeting for our first big campout, and the youth had divided themselves into smaller cooking groups for the weekend.

They made up a menu and shopping list. I offered suggestions since this would be the first camping and outdoor cooking experience for some of our crew. However, I didn’t override the first evening’s meal of spaghetti and meatballs. As the cooking team was cleaning up after the meal, I heard them discussing the cons of washing up all the pots from preparing the noodles and tomato sauce in the outdoor setting, as well as the difficulty of heating water over the Coleman camp stove. Hopefully, their experience might help them make different menu choices on future campouts!

I encourage all parents to find groups and organizations that offer community experience and support while raising children. Check out what is available in your area. Look in local newspapers, library event boards, or county websites. Ask other parents for recommendations. 

If you would like to purchase my book,  www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

As a parent or grandparent, it is easy to see the mistakes that we have made: losing our temper,  being late to pick up our kid afterschool, burning the dinner, forgetting an adult child's birthday, saying something mean in the heat of the moment that we cannot easily take back, missing a drama or orchestra performance because of work, and so many more. 

I was challenged by my pastor in a recent sermon to claim my victories of the past year because if I don't, I can lose perspective of the growth and the areas in which I have made progress. In addition, we were encouraged to think of ten challenges considering what I learned through them. As the first blog post of 2023, this is a worthy exercise for each of us to undertake.

To make a list of your victories of 2022, start small. When I asked my husband about this task, he said, "First of all, I woke up every morning." That is indeed something to be grateful and to claim that I am still here, on this journey of life. One of my goals this past year was to continue to educate myself by reading and when I looked back, I realized I can claim the goal of reading at least one book per month. I also claim as a victory that my husband and I traveled 5+ hours every month to spend time with my 90-year parents. I have to say that listening to books on Audible on our car ride helped me achieve the victory of one book a month.

Your victories might include having a meal together as a family at least three or more times every week. Maybe it has to do with a new friendship that you are building or a relationship that you have begun to heal. Did you start any new projects or find service opportunities? Did you walk or exercise consistently? Perhaps, you found a unique way to connect with and celebrate the relationship with your spouse, child, or grandchild. I know a grandfather who communicates with his teenage grandson by texting and sending each other jokes that tickle their unique sense of humor. 

How about the challenges that you faced? Did you discover that you are stronger than you thought? Did your capacity to find joy in small victories increase? Some of the things that I discovered through my challenges are:

• Being humble and listening more than speaking is a crucial step in being authentic.
• Practicing mindfulness and being present to those I care about opens me up to new possibilities.
• Admitting that I was wrong or that I made a mistake is easier than I thought.
• Learning from my mistakes and asking for help builds connection with others.

I offer you the opportunity to look back on 2022 if you haven't already to claim your victories and contemplate what you learned from your challenges. 


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Want an uncomplicated way to boost your mood and be more grateful for what we do have, instead of focusing on what we don't have? Start a gratitude jar! Appreciations are always welcome – and according to researchers, starting a 'happiness jar' could be a terrific way to improve our own wellbeing and the dynamic of our family interactions.

A gratitude jar, also called a happiness jar, is a glass jar in which you put a daily note of gratitude. On a piece of paper, write down one good thing that has happened or one thing you are grateful for that day, fold it up and pop it into the jar. Continue this throughout the year, and when the new year rolls around, you'll have plenty of wonderful memories to reflect on.

You can do this individually, but it could also make great family project. All you need is the jar, some small squares of paper or post-its and a pen. If you have young children, it may be too long to wait an entire year to read the memories. Do it at the beginning of each month and start over for the new month. Or just reach into the jar and draw one or more to read on a day when nothing is going right. These precious memories would probably be forgotten if you didn't take the time to write them down.

Happiness jars were a project first introduced in 2007 by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray, Love." Since then, many people around the world have used it as a simple reminder of the joys in the everyday — whether it's a nice meal, good weather, your train being on time or a good night's sleep. Watch this short video for inspiration and an explanation about the value of the jar.  www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1486409691378241

This may seem like a simple act, but the process has been promoted by doctors. Dr. Daniel Fryer, psychotherapist, and author, says, “On New Year's Eve, I recommend they get a bell jar and throughout the year every time something nice happens they write it on a post-it note. Then, in the January of the next year, they pull out a post-it note every day and remind themselves of the nice things that happened over the year – and that sails you through what is supposed to be the most depressing month of the year."

"Make it a habit to be grateful for the smallest details in life. These small details are so numerous that you can spend as much time as you want in a state of gratitude. This gratitude opens to even more of abundance." ~ Ralph S. Marston

Each year, as I unpack ornaments and decorations, I am flooded with many memories of Christmases past. The ones that stand out the most are not the presents I received but the experiences that we had together as a family.

As a child, I remember the annual outing to get a live tree from a family friend in Oregon.  He planted and sold trees on his land and he generously offered our family the opportunity to cut our own tree for free from one of the second-growths that sprouted up from the stump.

One year, my three siblings and I accompanied my dad on a damp Saturday morning.  As my dad tells the story, finding a suitable tree and sawing it down was not the biggest challenge.  As we made our way back to the car along the muddy path, my brother Eric who was three, was having a difficult time keeping up.  My dad, pulling the tree with one hand, grabbed my brother around the middle and lifted him up. Unfortunately, his boots remained stuck in the mud. For me, the highlight of the adventure was the retelling of the story to my mother back at home—how my dad had gotten all of us, the tree and even the boots safely back to the car.

Although we lived across the country from both sets of grandparents, we were able to spend some Christmases together with them.  I remember the opportunities to spend time talking with them, the annual jigsaw puzzles, getting reacquainted with cousins, and eating the cookies and special Christmas treats.

One Christmas, we were in Plevna, Indiana with my paternal grandfather.  My grandmother had been gone for several years and I am sure that it was a source of great happiness to have several of his children and their families spend the holidays together.  On Christmas Eve, all of us cousins decided to bundle up and go caroling in the small town. I remember having a feeling of joy sharing carols with my grandfather’s neighbors who we had never met before.  My dad reminded me that this was special because it was the last Christmas that my grandfather alive. I am glad that I helped to make it memorable.

The Christmas with my own children that stands out is the one we spent in Puerto Rico.  The trip was to celebrate my parents’ sixty wedding anniversary which was in June. But December was when everyone was available. Renting a small villa with separate rooms for each family, we cooked meals in the outdoor kitchen and enjoyed the sounds of the tree frogs and tropical birds.  We had our Christmas meal on a rooftop patio enjoying an incredible sunset. My Christmas wish that year was fulfilled as my children had the opportunity to spend time with and reconnect to their grandparents as young adults.
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​What memories will you be creating this holiday season? It may not be possible to cut down a tree yourself. But what can you do to make selecting and decorating the tree a family tradition? Do you recognize and celebrate more than one holiday--Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? How can you bring these traditions together to create new memories? There are a number of wonderful books to read with your children about the background of these holidays. Perhaps your family or grandparents live far away--who can your family invite to share a meal that also is missing family? The possibilities are endless but it takes intention to plan experiences that create new memories.

​Did you know that there is a resource for imparting wisdom and love that we often overlook? It is the use of books and literature in our homes to subtly set the stage for a conversation about a topic that we’d like to explore. As I mentioned in a previous blogpost, having a weekly family meeting that includes reading a short book or a chapter of a longer book provides the opportunity to share family values or open a discussion. family-meetings-recipe-for-success.html

Books and stories provide the opportunity to visit a culture that we know little about, and widen our view of the world. Ann Patchett, renowned American author has said, “Reading fiction not only develops our imagination and creativity, it gives us the skills to be alone. It gives us the ability to feel empathy for people we've never met, living lives we couldn't possibly experience for ourselves, because the book puts us inside the character's skin.”

In addition, the most recent market research on how to sharpen our brain suggests that the easiest and most time-tested method is . . . READING! The very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better. Typically, when we read, we have more time to think. Reading gives us a unique pause button for comprehension and insight. With oral language—when we watch a film or listen to an audio story—we don’t press pause.

This is especially true for anyone who struggles with reading. Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University studied children ages eight to ten who were below-average readers. One hundred hours of remedial reading classes significantly improved the quality of their brains’ white matter—the tissue that carries signals between areas of gray matter, where information is processed. The researchers’ concluded that the brains of these children had begun to rewire themselves in ways that could benefit the entire brain, not only the reading-centric temporal cortex.

So, if you still have a present to buy for your child, a grandchild or a favorite niece or nephew, consider buying a book and read it to them, if you can. In the case that you have already purchased all of your holiday gifts, consider doing this for an upcoming birthday or other occasion. If you need some book suggestions, here is a list of some of my favorites that I have read to my children and students over the years. https://tinyurl.com/2p83c24j

And for parents, consider giving them 7 Gifts to Give Your Child: Parenting That Will Touch Their Future as a present to allow them to discover more wisdom for themselves.
SPECIAL PRICE THROUGH DEC. 30--$7.99 paperback/$2.99 Kindle  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09L7KS5VH

While writing my book, 7 Gifts to Give Your Child, a friend sent me a link to a 21-day meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra entitled Hope in Uncertain Times. During one of the sessions, Deepak speaks of the secret of finding hope—it happens when we shift our focus from the problem to the solution. In parenting and in life, most of us focus our attention on the challenge that lies in front of us. Deepak shares an analogy:
​
Imagine your problem is to find a book in a dark, cluttered basement. You cannot see clearly, and you keep banging your head. If you focus on the problem, you may try to protect your head and squint harder as you keep searching through every box. If you focus on the solution, you pause, find the light switch and turn on the light so that you can see everything clearly. And then you find the book.

As a parent, we need to begin by shining the light for ourselves. We often disengage from our story to protect ourselves from the many conflicts, disappointments, and failures we have experienced. But becoming a parent is an opportunity to be awakened to the areas that need our attention. We work on growth and healing so that we can learn to fully enjoy life and be present to our child.

In a pivotal scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is training Luke to be a Jedi warrior. Pointing to a dark cave, Yoda explains that the cave is dangerous and strong with the dark side, but he tells Luke, “In, you must go.” Luke asks what is in the cave, and Yoda replies, “Only what you take with you.”

When we begin to address the failures and wounds of our past, it may feel like we are walking into that cave in the swamp. With clammy hands and trembling knees, we must stop hiding the fears we have buried deep and venture into new territory.

Confronting our fears means we need to look at the messages we have assigned to our failures—defining who we are, how others perceive us, and what we tell ourselves about our own self-worth and value. Bit by bit, we need to acknowledge painful feelings and hard emotions—fear, anger, aggression, blame, and shame. While this can be incredibly difficult, the alternative of living in denial and disengaged from our emotions stunts our life and our relationship with others, especially our child. To harness the Force, in we must go!

Becoming the best parent we can be takes courage, honesty, and belief in our own goodness. Often, we spend our days trying to handle what lands in our lap, flies in our face, or loudly demands our attention. We find ourselves reacting to our child, partner, boss, and others.
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What if becoming your best self begins by taking a step back and illuminating your view of yourself and your child with compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and hope?

This is an excerpt from the chapter--The Gift of Being the Best Parent You Can Be in my book: 
7 Gifts to Give Your Child  Consider buying the book for yourself or for a gift this holiday season. Purchase it on Amazon here:
 www.amazon.com/Gifts-Give-Your-Child-Parenting/dp/B09LGWWXVZ