The Tug-of-War Between Us & We:   We all live in this quiet, constant tension between two of our deepest needs: attachment or connection and authenticity. On one hand, we are wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, we look to others for safety and belonging. On the other hand, we have an internal compass—that gut feeling that tells us who we really are and what we actually value. While one side pulls us toward others, the other pulls us toward ourselves.

When Love Gives You Wings:  When you feel truly secure in a relationship, these two forces actually work together. Think of it as having a "home base." When you know that your partner, friend, or parent has your back no matter what, you feel braver. You don’t have to "perform" or hide the messy parts of your personality because you aren't afraid they'll leave if you show your true colors. In these healthy spaces, being close to someone actually helps you grow into more of who you are, not less.

The Cost of Playing a Part:  But when we feel "shaky" or insecure, authenticity is usually the first thing we sacrifice. It’s a survival instinct:

• The People Pleaser: You might swallow your own opinions or hide your needs just to keep the peace, terrified that being "difficult" will drive people away.
• The Lone Wolf: You might pull away or shut down your emotions to protect your independence, thinking that being "real" makes you too vulnerable.

In both cases, we end up wearing a mask to keep the connection alive. But over time, that mask gets heavy. You might still be in the relationship, but you start to feel like a stranger to yourself.

The Big Picture: Healthy love shouldn't feel like a cage where you have to shrink yourself to fit. And being your true self shouldn't mean you have to walk alone. The goal isn't to choose one over the other; it’s to find that sweet spot where you stay connected not because you’re hiding, but because you’re finally being seen. Which side of this tug-of-war do you find yourself leaning toward more often—sacrificing your "truth" to stay close, or keeping your distance to stay "you"?

Join me on Saturday, April 18, 10 am PT/1 pm ET for Self-Care Isn't Selfish to discover how to strike a more healthy balance in your life with some practical exercises that will get you started. Register here to get the zoom link:  tinyurl.com/April-18-Self-Care 

Below is an exercise to get you started. And look for next week's blog  about applying this topic to parenting. Parenting for both attachment and authenticity isn’t about choosing one over the other — it’s about creating safety and space at the same time. 

Learn to Say “And” Instead of “Or”.
Instead of saying:
• “If I’m honest, they’ll leave.”
• “If I stay connected, I can’t be fully me.”

Practice saying:
• “I can be honest and kind.”
• “I can disagree and stay connected.”
• “I can need space and care about you.”

Try out this cognitive shift this week to reduce the false binary between attachment and authenticity.

Each year, millions of people travel to mediterranean countries for their unique beauty and rich history and architecture. Many visit the numerous churches, basilicas, monasteries, and mosques and I had the privilege to be one of those visitors. I was struck by the massiveness of the churches, the beauty in the mosaics, windows and other decorations, and the reverence that most of the visitors displayed in these historic places. Since these highly ornate places of worship are not part of my church experience, I was curious about the history behind them and how one experiences God in these various buildings. Here is what I discovered:

Churches in the Mediterranean are highly ornate to serve as "books in stone," capturing the history and stories of the past. Historically, this style is rooted in Byzantine wealth, which allowed for lavish ornamentation, and the theological goal of creating a "heaven on earth" designed for sensory worship. Ornamentation is considered a method of glorifying God and uplifting the human soul, following the tradition of building an elaborate temple.

The use of stained-glass windows was primarily to educate, inspire, and create a sacred atmosphere by transforming natural light into a visual, spiritual experience. Historically, these windows, as well as mosaics and other art forms, served as a "visual Bible" to teach religious stories to illiterate congregations. Stained glass lets in natural light; light represents purity, the heavens, spirituality, and genesis. These windows are not merely decorations; they are considered a form of "light theology" that turns a building into a sanctuary. 

The famous Catalan architect, Antoni Gaudi, who helped to create the Basilica de la Sagrada Família in Barcelona said, "Architecture is the arrangement of light...Glory is light, light brings joy, and joy is the joy of the spirit.”  A deeply religious architect who believed his work was a collaboration with the Creator, Gaudi famously stated, "The straight line belongs to Men, the curved one to God". His work, particularly the Sagrada Família, was driven by nature and spirituality, aiming to return to the origins of design.

Gaudi intended that church to be a "cathedral for the poor". He wanted the church to dignify the industrial workers of Barcelona and serve as a place of refuge for them, ultimately dedicating the final years of his life to this vision without receiving any payment for it. Our tour guide said that Gaudi asked the Pope for permission to build the cathedral and the Pope answered, "As long as you can pay for it." Some say that's why it has taken so long to complete; the great thing is that all the tourists who visit are helping to fund that completion. My experience while sitting in the Sagrada Familia was definitely one of connecting with God through light and beauty.

God spoke to me through music as well whether it was hearing the performance of "The Prayer" on the cruise ship entertainment or attending an evening concert of Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" enthusiastically performed by Interpreti Veneziani, a baroque string ensemble, in a beautiful former church in Vivaldi's hometown of Venice. For inspiration, listen to Céline Dion & Andrea Bocelli sing "The Prayer":  
www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8DGuvab_Lc 
and the Interpreti Veneziani play Vivaldi's "Four Seasons."
www.youtube.com/watch?v=INPf9XUlCwU

​Another highlight for me was experiencing God through many of the people that we met on this adventure. One of our guides was originally from Peru. Coming to Barcelona for college, he fell in love with the culture and history and discovered his passion for sharing it with others as a tour guide. It turns out that his mother was going to a university in California and he attended high school for a couple of years in Castro Valley, CA, a town near where I live. He truly made the history of Montserrat Monastery, near Barcelona, come alive as he told us of the monks hiding themselves and significant statues including the Black Madonna--Virgin of Montserrat in the nearby caves during numerous invasions and wars. It is still Catalonia's most important religious retreat and groups of young people from Barcelona and all over Catalonia often make overnight hikes to watch the sunrise from the heights of Montserrat. 

Food for thought: Whether I acknowledge the presence of the divine as God, Heavenly Parent, my Higher Power, or another name, do I take time to notice the light and truth quietly animating the world around me, and when I do, how do I respond? We do not have to travel to distant locations to experience God if we are intentional in looking at nature, people, places, and even challenges through the 'Divine Lens.'

Did you know that children who know details about their family history--where their parents and grandparents grew up, how they overcame difficulties, what their hopes and dreams were as a child or teenager, where certain family traditions came from, how their parents and grandparents met, what their first car or house was like--are emotionally healthier and happier? Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush developed the “Do You Know…?” scale, sometimes called “The 20 Questions,” that tap into different kinds of family stories. The questions were designed as a starting point for sharing family stories and the result was that knowing about one's family history gave rootedness in something bigger than themselves. The process of families sharing stories about their lives provides bedrock upon which to build our own future. The links at the bottom of this blog give more details about the research.

As a child, I remember visiting my mother's parents in Doylestown, PA where my grandfather had a shoe store. My mother told me that in the beginning, my grandfather would buy shoes in Philadelphia and sell them out of the trunk of his car before he opened a store. I was impressed with his entrepreneurship! My father, as the youngest of ten children, became his family's historian and has authored several books that provide a rich history of where I come from. As a teenager, I enjoyed wearing bib overalls, much to the amusement of my father. I learned that he was eager to put wearing bib overalls behind him when he entered high school. As the youngest son of a farmer, it was a practical thing to wear and often, the clothes were handed down because times were hard during WW2. 

Whether you are a parent or a grandparent or even a beloved uncle or aunt, the children in your lives need to hear stories of where they came from.  Below are some questions to get you started in the family tradition of telling your stories.

• Do you know how your parents met?
• What traditions did they have growing up?
• What was their first job?
• What was their favorite vacation?
• What were they doing/where were they living when you were born?
• Why did they choose your name for you?
• Where did your grandparents meet?
• What kind of work did they do?
• What kind of car did they drive?
• Who in the family do you most look like?

Resources:
Dr. Marshall Duke at Emory University: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jE_oaW-ezc
Dr. Robyn Fivush:  www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-stories-our-lives/201611/the-do-you-know-20-questions-about-family-stories

This anonymous story has been appearing on the internet and whether it is a true story or a created one, it holds food for thought for all of those who are approaching the 4th quarter of our lives--60+.

My son called the police because he thought I had been kidnapped. He was tracking my phone location, and when he saw the blue dot blinking in the middle of the University District at 2:00 AM on a Tuesday, he panicked. He screamed into the phone, "Dad! Who has you? Are you okay?" I laughed, taking a sip of cheap domestic beer. "Nobody has me, Robert. I’m just waiting for my turn at the microphone. They’re playing John Denver next."

My name is Frank. I am 74 years old. And three months ago, I committed the most beautiful act of insanity of my entire life. I sold my four-bedroom suburban house—the one with the manicured lawn and the homeowner’s association fees—and I moved into a run-down, three-bedroom apartment with three college students.

My family thought I had lost my mind. We sat down for a "crisis meeting" at a diner. My daughter-in-law, looking at me with that pitying gaze people reserve for toddlers and the senile, said, "Frank, be reasonable. This is a mid-life crisis, just thirty years too late." I looked her in the eye and said, "No, Karen. This isn’t a crisis of age. It’s a crisis of silence."

You see, in America, we don’t talk enough about the silence. After my wife, Sarah, passed away two years ago, that big house in the suburbs didn’t feel like an achievement anymore. It felt like a tomb. It was as large as a stadium and as quiet as a library on a Sunday morning. The silence wasn't peaceful; it was heavy. It sat on my chest. I would watch the dust motes dance in the afternoon sun and realize the only voice I’d heard in three days was the news anchor on the television. I was dying. Not from heart disease or diabetes, but from the quiet.

So, I put up the "For Sale" sign. I sold the riding mower, the formal dining set nobody sat at, and the China cabinet full of plates we never used. I packed two suitcases and answered an ad on a community board: “Roommate wanted. Must pay rent on time. No drama.” When I showed up at the door, the three kids—Jackson, Mia, and Leo—stared at me like I was a health inspector.

Jackson, a tall kid with messy hair and a hoodie, blinked. "Uh, sir? Are you... the landlord?" "No," I said, handing him a six-pack of craft soda. "I’m Frank. I’m the new roommate. And I promise my check clears faster than yours."

The first week was a culture shock. It was chaos. There was music thumping through the thin walls at midnight. There were shoes everywhere except the shoe rack. The kitchen sink looked like an archaeological dig site of dirty dishes from the Jurassic period. They were suspicious of me. On the first night, sitting in the living room on a couch that smelled vaguely of corn chips, Leo asked, "So, Frank... you got any... you know, issues? You gonna tell on us if we have people over?"

I leaned back. "Kids, I survived the seventies. I’ve seen things that would make your hair curl. Unless you’re building a bomb or hurting someone, I didn't see a thing. But if you leave a milk carton empty in the fridge, we’re going to have words." Slowly, the dynamic shifted. I realized I wasn’t just the "old guy." I was the Keeper of the Order and the Master of the Skillet.

These kids... they are so stressed. That’s something older folks don’t get. We think they’re lazy. They aren’t lazy; they are terrified. They are drowning in student loans, working gig jobs, and trying to pass classes. They eat instant noodles not because they love them, but because they cost fifty cents.

I decided to intervene. One Tuesday, Jackson came home from a double shift, looking like a ghost. I had a pot roast slow-cooking for six hours. The smell hit him the moment he walked in. Real food. Meat, potatoes, carrots, rosemary. "Sit," I commanded. He ate three plates in silence. When he looked up, he had tears in his eyes. "My mom used to make this," he whispered. That was the breaking point. I became the "House Pop."

I wake them up when they sleep through their alarms for 8:00 AM exams. I taught Mia how to negotiate her car repair bill so the mechanic didn't rip her off. I showed Leo that you can actually iron a shirt instead of buying a new one. In exchange, they dragged me into the 21st century. They taught me how to use the "tap to pay" on my phone so I don't hold up the line counting change. They installed a music app for me and made me a playlist called Frank’s Jams. They taught me that "bet" means "yes" and "cap" means "lie."

I used to think the younger generation was glued to their screens because they were antisocial. I was wrong. They are glued to them because they are searching for connection in a world that feels incredibly lonely.

One Friday night, they told me to put on my best shirt. "We’re going out, Frank. No excuses." They took me to a dive bar near campus. Sticky floors, neon lights, and a crowd of twenty-somethings. When we walked in, Mia shouted to the bouncer, "He’s with us! He’s the OG!"

"Don't worry," Jackson said, handing me a drink. "It’s karaoke night." I haven't sung in public since Sarah’s sister’s wedding in 1998. But the energy... it was infectious. The noise wasn't annoying; it was electricity. It was life. When they called my name, I walked up to the stage. I didn't choose a modern song. I chose John Denver, "Take Me Home, Country Roads."

I started shaky. But then I looked at the crowd. I saw Jackson, Mia, and Leo holding up their phones, grinning like idiots. I belted it out. “Country roads, take me home...” The whole bar—two hundred college kids—stopped drinking and started singing with me. They wrapped their arms around each other, swaying. For three minutes, there was no generation gap. There was no "Boomer" or "Zoomer." There was just us, singing about belonging. Someone filmed it. Apparently, I am now "viral" on the video app. It has 400,000 likes. The top comment says: “I miss my grandpa so much. This guy is the vibe.”

I pay my share of the rent. I do the dishes because I wake up earlier than everyone else. And once a week, I leave a hundred-dollar bill in the jar on the counter. I told them it’s for "Emergency Pizza Funds." They don't know that I know they use it to pay for textbooks.

My son still asks me when I’m going to move into a "sensible" senior living community. He talks about safety, about stairs, about blood pressure monitors. I tell him no. "But Dad," he asks, "Don't you miss the house? Don't you miss the memories?"

I look around the apartment. There’s a textbook on the floor. There’s a half-eaten bag of chips on the table. Someone is laughing in the other room about a bad date. "No," I tell him. "The house held my memories, Robert. But memories are looking backward. Here, I have the noise. I have the mess. I have the future."

I am 74 years old. My joints hurt when it rains, and I take three different pills in the morning. But tonight, we are making tacos, and Mia needs advice on her art project, and Jackson needs to learn how to tie a tie for an interview.

I am not busy dying anymore. I am too busy living. If you are sitting in a big, silent house, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for permission to live... sell it. Find the noise. We aren't meant to fade away in the quiet. We are meant to sing "Country Roads" until our voices crack, surrounded by people who call us by our name, not our age.

If you would like to explore how to fully live the 4th quarter of your life, I recommend the book, "The Fourth Quarter of Your Life: Embracing What Matters Most" by Allen Hunt and Matthew Kelly.

God commands us to "remember the Sabbath," but is it realistic in today's fast-paced culture? Join us on Saturday, March 14, 2026, 10 am PST/1 pm EST where Shawna Kempf will share practical advice for having peaceful, close times with God. You will learn simple ways to be intentional about rest, ideas for tuning out distractions and tuning in God, and even how meals and other times with friends and family can be Sabbath experiences. Register here to get the zoom link: tinyurl.com/mrxhne88

Shawna Kempf is one of the core coaches that work together to create the monthly Self-Care Isn't Selfish webinars. She is a certified Generational Healing coach who cares deeply about supporting individuals and families in creating more fulfilling lives and including Heavenly Parent on a daily basis.

The overarching theme for our monthly webinars is "Heal Yourself, Heal Your Family, Heal the World." Making a change begins with me because that is the only person that I have control over. But the amazing truth is that as I make effort, I change my interactions with those I care about and often, that sparks change in others as well. Each month, we are creating a global community of connecting and support by showing up, sharing, and caring about each other. All past webinars are available on our YouTube Channel. We'd love to have you join us on Saturday, March 14, 2026.
www.youtube.com/@Self-Care.Isnt.Selfish/videos

How often do you spend time meditating when you feel overloaded at work, challenged as a parent, or trying to balance it all? Meditation has a way of gently bringing us back to ourselves when life feels loud or overwhelming. When I sit and slow my breath, I notice how much tension I’ve been carrying—often without realizing it—and how quickly it can soften when I give myself permission to pause. Over time, meditation has helped me relate to my thoughts with more kindness and less judgment. Instead of being pulled around by worry or self-criticism, I’m better able to stay present, listen inwardly, and respond to life with more clarity and steadiness.

On a deeper level, meditation supports our overall well-being in ways that ripple outward. It can help us sleep more soundly, feel less reactive under stress, and recover more quickly when things are difficult. That sense of inner calm doesn’t mean challenges disappear, but it can give us a stable place to meet them from. With continued practice, we can show up with more patience, compassion, and openness—not just for ourselves, but in our relationships and everyday moments as well.

Think that sitting still and meditating sounds too challenging? Check out this article "9 Meditation Hacks for People Who Can’t Meditate." It gives multiple  options including Walking Meditation and Animal Time. tinyurl.com/5d5x7vnh Try out the different methods of bringing more awareness and presence into your life to find the ones that resonate the most with you.

Lastly, breathing can serve as a simple yet powerful way to reconnect inwardly and return to the present moment. Find a place to sit quietly and take some deep, cleansing breathes. By bringing attention to the rhythm of the breath, awareness naturally settles into the body, creating a sense of grounding and stability. Each inhale invites openness and ease, while each exhale encourages the release of tension and mental clutter. In this way, breathing becomes a steady point of connection—always available—offering a calm, reliable path back to balance and self-awareness, even during moments of stress or uncertainty.

Finding the time and space to bring in presence, breathing, and self-awareness isn't easy but finding ways to incorporate it into your day can be life-changing. Consider taking 5 minutes in the morning before you get out of bed. Do some deep breathing on your drive or commute to work. Take a short walk on your lunch break. Teach your children about the importance of breathing--google some books for your age child about mindfulness or breathing. Try out an app on your phone like Insight Timer, Tapping Solution, or Headspace.

​Simon Sinek, American author, and inspirational speaker who focuses on leadership and business, has said that the closest thing to leadership is parenting and that we need to be an infinite student of parenting. He states that parenting is a lifestyle that begins with the commitment that "I am responsible for another human being." So how do we develop this lifestyle?

Sinek says that like great leaders, parents need to accept that it is a lifestyle that must include our commitment to learn and grow. Being a parent means learning how to be a better listener, find healthy ways to give and receive feedback, develop ways of effective confrontation, and use constructive discipline, when necessary. Maybe you might think that you are good at one or more of these areas. But the greatest way to grow in these areas is to be curious and willing to try. He makes the following suggestions:

• Ask advice from others--your parents, siblings, other parents, etc.
• Join parenting groups
• Read books, magazines, listen to podcasts. Here is my resource list of recommended books:  
  
• drive.google.com/file/d/1H_ihq2PJoMoWKs2DEmKfG5zb_VdWHQCM/view?usp=drive_link
• Stay curious. See the parenting journey as a path for growth and discovery no matter what stage you are in as a parent or grandparent. It is never too late to learn something new.!

To view the interview with Simon Sinek: www.youtube.com/watch?v=qepXx2SYRfs

Did you know that in addition to Valentine's Day, February is also American Heart Month--​a time when all people, especially women, are encouraged to focus on their cardiovascular health and Black History Month--celebrated in February to honor African American achievements and history, started by historian Carter G. Woodson in 1926?  That is a lot of good things to celebrate and remember. I would like to share a couple of resources that you, your significant other, and your family can use to create more connection, communication, and celebration.

First: There is a movement to switch the focus in February from Valentine's Day to "Generosity Day." It is an excellent way to keep it from becoming too commercial, focusing on candy, gifts, and cards. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, or friend, you can bring kindness to the forefront. "Doing Good Together" is an online resource for raising children and adults who care and contribute. They have a February 28 Day Kindness Challenge with suggestions for families to do something for others each day. You can discover more about this movement and simple ways to incorporate more kindness and generosity in your family here:
take-valentines-day-to-heart.html

Second: How you ever wondered how much time should you and your spouse spend together? How much time should you spend separately, doing your own thing? Like so many things in life, it’s all about balance. There’s no perfect equation, and every couple is unique. The sense of balance you find during one season of life may also look a lot different during another – that’s normal!

So what happens when you know you’re out of balance? Recognizing you need more “me” or “we” time is one thing, but how do you make the necessary adjustments, in a practical sense? Check out this article from Prepare Enrich to learn some practical tips to help you fit just a bit more “me or we” time into each day.
www.prepare-enrich.com/blog/me-time-or-we-time-squeeze-more-into-each-day/

​Third: Join the "Self-Care Isn't Selfish" webinar on Saturday, February 14, 10 am PT/1 pm ET. Our presenter, Kendra Stein will guide us to understand and use essential tools for connecting with true respect, uncompromising honesty, and ever-deepening love during her presentation "Fierce Intimacy, Part 2", based on Terry Real's book by the same title. Bring your partner or another family member to the zoom call.
To register and get the zoom link: 
tinyurl.com/Feb-14-Self-Care
To view the previous webinar, "Fierce Intimacy, Part 1": 
youtu.be/WvvOTPD0gLU?si=WkOLPrbooDQqMcl4
For more on Kendra Stein and her work: 
​www.apathtofamilyhealing.com/home

In her book, The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says, “Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t in control—with all the frustrations, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation.” We have many opportunities to get upset, react, or get triggered throughout our day--with our boss or a co-worker, while driving in traffic, with a friend, or our spouse. However, children seem to have the unique ability to know how to push our buttons! I'd like to point out that this gives us the opportunity to reparent ourselves.

There is a reason we are getting upset, giving in, or overreacting. Learning about what causes us to react and understanding why some things bother us more than others is an important part of parenting. Getting triggered is when we have an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Often something our child or someone else says or does connects us to a difficult childhood memory. 

We can begin by realizing that getting overly upset or triggered is something to pay attention to rather than be ashamed of. I like to think of such opportunities as "awakenings." These intense interactions uncover something in me that perhaps I already knew deep inside. Starting with this awareness, we can begin to see that there is more at stake than simply someone else's words or actions. At times, we can work through these challenges on our own, but sometimes we need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional, and that’s okay. 

Parenting and grandparenting give us the tremendous opportunity to reparent ourselves! Reparenting means to work through emotions, habits and experiences from our past that stand in the way of being our best selves right now and make different choices in our current relationships. 

To do this involves learning to:

• Avoid unnecessary conflict 
• Take responsibility for our less-than-ideal responses
• Bring more empathy into our lives and
• Grow together with those we care for and love 

For more on this: 
​www.prepare-enrich.com/blog/4-benefits-of-understanding-your-triggers/