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 In her book The Conscious Parent, Dr. Shefali Tsabary says, “Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t in control—with all the frustrations, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation.”
Back when I was still working in a classroom, one of my preschool students, Mandy, along with her mom, arrived on Monday morning to find out that she had been switched to the Orange Group for the last week of summer camp. Mandy didn’t adapt well to new situations and was a little anxious about the change. Since she had several friends in the Orange Group, I was sure that she would do fine with some time to settle in. However, the situation quickly escalated because her mother became upset and went to speak with one of the administrators, dragging Mandy with her. In front of her daughter, the mom complained loudly, with a few choice swear words thrown in, about how unfair this was to her daughter, demanding a refund for the week. Clearly, the daughter wasn’t the only one getting emotional! As parents, how often have we done this? We step in to speak for our child, fight their battles, or go to bat when we feel that a teacher or a friend is treating them unfairly. We have the best of intentions and we act out of love, but what kind of message are we really sending? Some experts call this being a “helicopter parent.” The parent hovers over their child and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live. To “protect” them, they take on the responsibilities of the child and give them the message that they cannot handle things. Instead, children need to hear this message from us: “I love you and you can do this. I believe in you, and I am here if you need my help.” If we are honest with ourselves, many times the challenges that our child faces trigger feelings within us of fear, anxiety, and being unworthy or inadequate. We may connect with memories of being bullied or misunderstood. Starting from our own self-awareness, we need to stop and ask ourselves, “Am I dealing with my child in a healthy manner, or am I being triggered by something from my own past?” There is a reason we are getting upset, giving in, or overreacting. Learning about what causes us to react and understanding why some things bother us more than others is an important part of parenting. Getting triggered is when we have an intense physical or emotional reaction to an event or interaction. Often something our child or someone else says or does connects us to a difficult childhood memory. At times, we can work through these challenges on our own, but sometimes we need the support of a friend, coach, or mental health professional, and that’s okay. Parenting and grandparenting gives us the tremendous opportunity to reparent ourselves! If you are interested in gettting support in this process, visit my website and see the tools that I use in my coaching practice. Coaching With Myrna Comments are closed.
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